Solitare?
I have tried to write a new post for four days. It seems like I can't finish it. The subject for the post has changed a few times but it circles around what sexuality is. One of the big problems is that I don't have any idea at all. Most people seems to know who they are attracted to and I actually do not have any idea of what sexuality is and who I am. If you don't have guessed this already I have to warn you: This will contain details of my sex life and feelings regarding sex. If you are not comfortable with this, wait a few days and read another post.
I guess the trans-thing makes life a bit different even in the matter of sexuality. It is harder to know who you want to have in bed if the only thing you know for sure is that you don't are enough. I don't want my body to be a part of my life. When I fantasize about sex my actual body never is a part of my thoughts. During my life I have suspected my self to be a lesbian, a heterosexual female, gay, a heterosexual male, bisexual and pansexual. Nowadays I just says "queer" if any one asks and hope that nobody ever asks anything about what that means.
I really try to like myself and in most ways I do. But when it comes to sex. I have heard a quite a few gay men describing really trying to have sexual relations with a woman and wanting to like it but just hated it. I think I feel the same way but regarding myself. It is not like I am asexual and don't have a sex drive, God most certainly gave me enough of that, but when I have sex I always has to fill up my thoughts with other images so I don't get to turned off by being so close to myself.
I don't hate myself, I like myself. I like my body in many ways. I am not ashamed of myself but still I have this problem.
I wonder if I'm alone with this sort of feelings or if this is common for transgendered people. Or does it occur even with non trans people? If you have some thoughts about this and don't want to post a comment please email me at alex at resare dot com because right now I am just fed up with being this confused on my own.
I always thought not liking your self in this way was connected to low self-esteem. I feel frustrated discovereing that I was wrong on that one to. I miss the good old days when I knew almost everything. :)
5 comments:
Alex, I cannot say for sure, but from our previous talks about your childhood and from what you describe, I think I can relate to what you are talking about.
When I have sex with someone I care about and with whom I have a relationship, I struggle to stay in that moment and enjoy it. it is like I am trying to escape my body into my ind and turn to images and fantasy to get thriugh the experience. I believe it is called dissasociation.
Because of abuse in my past, both sexual and religious, sex can feel dirty and can frighten me somewhere in my body like a memory is locked away somewhere that gets triggered by sexual intimacy.
This topic can be too hot to handle on my own and has required that I get professional help to address it. It also requires me talking to my lover about it making him or her aware of what can easily happen during sexual intimacy. That can be scary to do because it rquires me being that much more vulnerable.
I do not pretend to assume that your situatuin is identical to mine or that I can diagnose anything, but I guess I want to say that you do not need tto be hard on yourself. You are unwraping many layers in your life and it takes work and time and often loving and skilled assistance. You know better than anyone the grave clothes that held you bound. They don't just go away and sometimes we pull at one part and it reveals a mess that we might bot be prepared to deal with immediately.
peterson
My childhood is a aspect I accually did not think about. I have had professional help for years and that is something I recommend everyone.
Maybe my past is a bigger part of this than my pshysical short comings.
Well, I know this is not anything that has a easy fix and I am in a good place now, I just think it's wierd problem.
Interesting discussion. I'm not really sure I can make a substantive contribution here, but I'll say that for me, being transgendered has never really entered into my sex life. I've always been attracted to people, not their gender, and when that attraction becomes a relationship that involves sex, it's simply sex. I enjoy it - a lot - and half the fun is figuring out how to maximize pleasure depending upon who has what body parts to play with, who like what where, etc. Once I got past my confusion about realizing that I liked men and women and that I didn't look like the person I felt i was (I got past my appearance, in other words), sex became something fun.csk
wow Alex.
your story and your blog absolutely stretches me.
there is so much about this world, other people, relationships, even myself that i do not understand.
as you ended your post, 'i miss the good old days when i knew almost everything.'
Yep, I sure can enjoy sex, but I'm my own worst turnoff, and it's quite confusing!
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