Not good enough

I don't suffer from stage fright, I like being on stage and in the spot light. My performance anxiety lies in my writing. I really don't like to show others what I have written. I don't know if you knew but blogging actually includes other people reading what I have written... I think I missed that myself when starting my blog.

Today I got a paper back in school. I saw that she had written "VG" on it. VG is our next best grade, like a B would be for you Over There. I got a small anxiety attack, blurry vision, my hart was pounding and I got very self-conscious. Everyone got to go outside the classroom to get a few minutes of private comments from the teacher. I had a hard time even getting up and go outside. She smiled at me and said that this was the first paper I have written to her that wasn't perfect so she wrote "VG" just to separate it from the others so I would know that she really notice what I write and that the "VG" just was a way to say that she knows that I can do better and if the paper was by any other it would be marked as a "MVG" (top grade) and that my grade in her notes said "MVG".

I think I was the only one to get a MVG but still, a couple of hours later, I feel embarrassed and think I should have worked with the paper a few hours more. I don't want anyone to read what I have written if it isn't perfect. I still feel bad for the only VG I got the last semester and this was the first time I got even close to get a VG this term.

When I am writing this I feel really embarrassed about my perfectionism when it comes to writing. I don't like perfectionists. Perfection kills inspiration. I really believe that. With creativity you have to open up for making mistakes, if you think you can do everything perfect you limit your ability to grow and develop.

Why did I start a blog when I can't handle my short comings? I know my english isn't perfect. It is understandable. I really don't know. I know that I have seven different drafts of posts I never published because I had to high expectations myself. But I know that this is a great way for me to get better at English and by conquering a foreign language my whole world grows.

I wonder if my high expectations on myself is related to being as far away from the norm as I am. In Christian circles I am obviously not normal as trans and gay. Gay people often don't like transmen or Christians and transpeople think I am weird being happily married with three kids. The more I think about it the more I think I want to be perfect in order to give my self the right to exist even if I am a freak. I think that reveals a few ugly sides I have. 1: I think that the prejudices of my surroundings shall define what I do and 2: I think that people outside of the norm has to be successful. I am just as bad as the ones calling me a freak or a monster. I get frighten by myself. I despite myself and others like me. That is just wrong on so many levels.

If I just had written that paper perfectly I wouldn't had thought about this. I should have worked on the paper some more...

To dare myself I am acctually going to post this. I have to work with both my self image and my view on others.