My Father?

Ohh Father in heaven, are you there? Can you hear me? Can you be here?
If your name is hallow, what are then a name? Are words really hallow? Or is the name-thing about more then just your name?
Why didn't you make a easier prayer? One who I understand.

Is it because I do not know your name? I just have a bunch of titles for you, not a name...

I hope that you know that I want to know it.

I hope that you know mine.

However...

Let thy kingdom come.
Let me be a part of it.
Help me to enjoy it and not worry about tomorrow
Let me lay my worries down before you so that I without burdens can come before you.

Let me be a part of your will, a part of your plan.
I know you are God and everything and that you probably has a lot on your mind but I would like it if you would like me.

I hope that you like me even if I am who I am.
I hope that you like me because of who I am.
No, I will not try to lie to You.
The chances are You are omnipotent and I guess you don't like lies.
But I do want to have that hope.
That you would like me not despite but because of who I am.


Are you in heaven? What are you doing up there? Come join us down here instead?
I guess you have a great plan. I hope that your will is done both up there and down here.

I hope your not mad at me for not eating bread. It is such a good analogy and I feel bad sometimes for not eating bread when it painted up as being the most basic of needs in The Book. At the same time it feels like my life in a nutshell. The Bible is full of pictures that just doesn't talk to me. Or just babble rubbish. Like that you should give me my daily bread when I don't eat any. Or that Jesus is the bread of life and that I just use bread to feed my fishes.

Don't dismiss me just for not eating bread please.

Please don't dismiss me at all. I hope you like me more than I like myself. That you don't obsess about my sins like I do. Forgive my sins like I forgive those who sin against me. Let me learn how to forgive myself.

Hold on to me, save me from too much danger and let me know what is right and wrong. I want to do right and in order to do that I need you to help me to understand what is what. Or just do your magic thing and deliver me from evil in every way.

Im just rambling. Lets come back to the basic, You are The man. You have the power and don't screw it up like others but still has the glory. I want to be a part of your team. Please let me!


Amen.

evaluation 0.1

It's not that I am against heterosexuality and monogamy, I think people should be free to express them self's in any way they want, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone, but there has to be limits. People needs boundaries. I spent the Christmas with my extended family and in it there is these three beautiful and intelligent girls who is in their teens. Already they are experimenting with both heterosexuality and monogamy. I mean, don't they know that a mono heterosexual relationship are the most dangerous sort of relationship there is? Couldn't they start out with a more safe and healthy form of relationship? As lesbians they would minimize the risk of both STDs and violence. Or take Pauls advice and just go asexual. If it is possible to change, why not choose the apostle way and just say no to all sexuality?

I really hope that the conservatives can take a step back and see their argumentation from a different angel...

I like irony and satire. No, that is a understatement, I need it. It is a great part of me. I spent the xmas with my husbands family. They are very nice people all of them and I do love them a great deal. But, and this is a great but, they don't get my sense of humor at all. Today I spent a few hours at my parents and it was great to get the homy feeling of satire. Mean is the new kind! I can be nice to almost anyone but there is just a few that I dare to be snotty to.

I met a aunt and uncle I haven't met as Alex yet. I knew they knew but I just chickened out and didn't dare to talk about my change even if it is quite obvious, I hadn't shaved that day, my kids calling me dad and my husband using the right pronouns, so it wasn't like they didn't noticed. But nether them nor I said anything. I don't know why. People I care about I often talk more deeply to but unfortunately I chickened out.

Maybe I can blame it on me being tired. The last three days me and husband has driven almost 1200 miles, and 1000 of them with a trailer filled with our belongings. Now most of our household is up in Umeå. A few days so will we be. In some ways it is a huge step. In other ways I still live a such a big part of my life online so it doesn't really make a huge difference. But I will surly miss my sister Maria who lives here. I miss her even now when she is a few minutes away.

But it is nice to move. To pack up your life and evaluate it. Throw out what you don't like and dream about how things should be. I have never moved and felt this good about myself. When I pack up my things I don't feel panic as earlier times when I just flied. Now I just tidy up something I like and make it more beautiful. I love aging. Youth is highly overrated. Life, here I come!

This might be the last post from this apartment. I am always sitting in bed, often with my headphones in my ears. Right now Jack Johnson's album brushfire Fariytales is playing and I am dreaming of a village where everyone I love is living. I am happy that this is one of the days that I am happy about the fact that my village would be crowded if it was more than a dream. The last days I have mostly mourn that it is just a dream.

Julafton - Christmas Eve

After the Christmas Eve dinner we went for a walk












My dapper dog, my handsome husband, my stylish sister-in-law and my sleepy son

the sound track of my night

I can't go to sleep tonight. 2.28 AM right now. Early morning tomorrow but I have to much on my mind. As always much at this hour is about myself but some others as well, mostly God.

Now playing: Coldplay - X&Y

Have I been here before?
I can't remember but this feels familiar

Have I been running in circles or never left this place?
Or am I drifting in a unknown sea?

I am trying to hard to repair broken sounds that my hart gives me.
pasting syllables back to words

Letters becomes words
From nothing to something
Back to something

Is this part of a plan?

Why do I have so many questions?

They smile and say
In due time dear
In due time

Is this my time?
What is time?
Is my journey my goal?

I want to love You
I need to love me

I don't know if I have it in me

I give in and beat myself bloody
A good spank is what I need

Next time I will know what to do
Next time everything will be better


Now playing: Diana Ross - Ain't No Mountain High Enough


They built a fifty foot high wall
To keep me away from You

They dug a moat wide as a sea
To keep me away from You

You just sighed and gave me a brand new pair of wings.


Now Playing: Jonas Gardell - Det tror jag på

I believe

I don't know in who
I do know in what

I believe in faith
I believe in honesty
I believe in mercy
and to give it one more try

I believe in anonymity
I believe in standing up and raise my voice
I believe in the power in art
and to respect creativity

I believe in forgiveness
I believe in blind faith
I believe in questioning it all
and to let some questions rest even when people demands answers

I believe in love
I believe in loving
I believe in lovers
and to let love free


Now playing: Leonard Cohen - I'm Your Man

you brighten up my days
you disturb my nights

I could be the answers to most of your questions
and a distraction from the rest

you make me feel like more then a man
you make me sure that I am your man


Now playing: K's Choice - A Virgin State of Mind

There is a place
It is my place
I know what I will get here in my place
The most safe thing I've got
This is my endless well of
Fear
Dread
Hopeless loneliness
Despair

I know this maze
I have build it to get myself lost in the darkness
The only thing I don't know is to let this place go


Now playing: Morphine - I Know You (Part III)

I know how you want your coffee
You know how I want mine

You know not to touch my tears
I know how to kiss yours away

You know I need you to ask questions and to explain
I know how you need me to lie still and hold you

I don't know where I end and you begin

I love that I know what most of your breaths means
I love that I don't know them all

This is just the beginning
I love we are not alone in this

carpe diem quam minimum credula postero

This is a post that I have written and re written a few times. The word just simply don't come. I don't know if the thoughts are clear.

A little bit more than a year ago I met some transmen for the first time. I lived closeted for a very long time and it was a huge step for me to meet others like me. I liked them all and a few made a big impression on me. But I didn't get to know anyone of them. Not more then "wave and say hello when you see each other"-know. One man in particular really seemed to be interesting and I wanted to speak more to him but just didn't. I met him a few times during this last year and got more and more interested in getting to know him. I realized that I wouldn't change and start talking IRL so I found him on the internet to contact him online. I started to write on a message that I never sent and told myself that I would contact him when my semester ended. Now it has, but today I found out that so has he. He is no more and I never took the chances that was given to me to get to know him.

As a transperson I know to many that didn't survive but every time it really tears me apart. For so long I thought it was only me struggling to survive and I so bad wanted to know someone that knew how I feel. Now I am devastated by how many we are and I kind of wish that it was only me.

I am truly grateful for being trans and get to see myself and society from different views but these dark sides that I share with so many brothers breaks my hart over and over.

Gott tagged

Peterson tagged me and I am supposed to tell you about things that are weird about me. But I am tiered and don't really like chain letters at all. So I won't tell you anything. If I had done in, how would I do?
Would I do like Peterson did and write five things on the same subject as the tagger. No, I am not in the mood to write about my tic and that I bite, or almost plane my lips with my teethes each and every moment. For how long would I have to google to find a correct term to explain that where the upper inner tendon of gluteus maximus meet the pelvis is my favorite spot on the human body? That is just not worth the time it would take. Who would be interested in knowing that I have a phobia for newly changed tires? We have to change between winter and summer tires by law and the first 500 miles are really tough for me. I am convinced that they will fall off even if I now that the bolts are fixed.

I have no interest in telling you that I don't like potatoes unless it is served with fermented fish and that I don't like fermented fish without potatoes.

I most certainly will not tell you about the imaginary friends that I still have. I will never confess to the long dialogues I have with my "friends". Earlier on I called them Friends instead an that made everything fun when I met my beloved friend Peterson and started to learn about quakers and that they call them self Friends. I still think about imaginary friend when I see him and others write about Friends.

Well, I don't think I will answer the questions the way Peterson did. I just don't feel like it.

Do I want to tell you different details that I think that others would think is weird with me? It is a big difference between what I think is weird with me and what other react to. I think it is very weird to have pets (like I do) but people never think that is strange. Instead they thing that something as normal as the fact that I am a man who have given birth is weird.

I think it is really weird that I some times buy magazines. They only exists to make me want to buy more by telling me everything that I am not but should be. Why do I read them even once in a while? Why do I give money to them and why do I enjoy the reading when I know the aftertaste? But few realizes the weirdness of magazines and react to other things like the amounts of dark chocolate that I eat. A day with less then 5 ounces of chocolate with at least 70% cacao is an empty day.

Another thing I think is very strange with me is that I often excuse myself when admit to prejudice thoughts. I have noticed that many think that it is good to feel ashamed when they discover prejudice thoughts with them self's but I think it is wrong to react with shame on ones biases. Everybody needs to simplify life and prejudice is a back side of that. I think that it is impossible to be unprejudiced but that we would want to strive to be as open as possible and that the obvious thing when we met one of our prejudice sides we would be happy to know that we have the possibility to become better persons and conclude with the bias inside. But few think that it is weird when I feel shame when I meet prejudice within myself. Instead people think that I am weird thinking about stuff like this.

No, I am still not convinced. I don't to write a post about my weirdness neither what I consider weird nor what I think that others think about me.

Home free?

I have used the last half hour to google the term "home free". I am not sure how to use it and google don't really give me any help. Do you know what that means? I can use half an hour to do something totally meaningless. I realized after one minute that I wouldn't get any good answers but I kept on reading. You know why? I am finished with my studies for this year! I did it!

(long pause)

I'm sitting at the library as usual. Just besides me three girls who are in 9th grade which make them 15 yrs old. A couple of minutes ago one of them told the third (the second one seemed to already know) about her weekend.

girl: Have you heard what happened this weekend?
friend: No, anything special?
girl: You know Hannah, my best friend?
friend: Hannah, Hannah?
girl: Yeah, Hannah.
friend: What?
girl: She slept with Jimmy friday night.
friend: You're kidding? (her voice got really serious)
girl: No. He is my boyfriend and she is my best friend.
friend: How do you know?
girl: She was supposed to sleep at my place but mom caught us smoking and said that Hannah had to leave. Her mother didn't want to get her and she didn't have anyone to go to so we asked Timmy to lend her his sofa. She promised not to do anything with her but then on saturday she called me and told that they had slept together.
friend: That sucks
girl: I know. I tried to take my life and slept at the psych. ward. I don't know what to do. I don't want do die anymore, he is not worth it. But I can't go back to either mom nor dad. Social services is going to call me in a few hours to tell me if they have any place for me to sleep for a few nights. I don't want to sleep at the hospital any more.
friend: You can't kill your self
girl: I know
friend: I don't know what to say

(Hannah and Jimmy isn't the names she used)

Then they talked about other stuff for a while and I wrote this. Then they was quite for a while.

girl: Mom is pregnant. She can't take care of us two she already have but now she will start over with a third.
friend: Three is not that much
girl: I don't get why she wants another when she doesn't want us and says that she can't handle us
friend: It can be nice with a baby
girl: If she let me stay.

Then they went on with hair styles and make-up.

girl: I wonder what I am supposed to do know
the friends starts to joke.
girl: I have to go home now and pack a bag before mom gets home.



This is probably the first time I miss looking like a woman. As a woman it would be easer just to start talking to her, buy her a cup of tea and try give some support.

What is the right thing to do? To just sit here, stealing her words thinking about me. I think I am a part of her hell, having heard what I heard and choose not to do anything. But I honestly have no idea what would be a good thing to do. The friends didn't hesitate to follow her when se had to go so she is not completely alone, but she surely could need some adult that wouldn't fuck with her or her feelings.

What would have been the right thing to do? The way she told the story told me that it was true and that this is how her life has been for many years. Her love for her younger sister that came up in other discussions with her friends seems to be what keeps her going. I hope that she will meet someone more mature and caring than me. I hope I will grow to show compassion. I wish I knew how to be a Christian and I am happy that my sins are forgiven so that I not will be judged as I deserve. I hope that God listens to prayers and that my prayers for her can do something better for her, not only calm my mind.

What would have been the right thing to do? My conscious only gives me a lot of wrong things that I don't want to do. I know not what to do.

You can't buy social status

In the news a few days ago they talked about what people thinks gives others high social status here in Sweden. They did a list of 100 things you can be or you can have. Then they made a lot of people grade this qualities from 1-5 on a scale with 5 to the things they thought as making people have high social status gives a high social position and 1 for what brings your social status down.


Top 10
1. Be allmänbildad That's a good word that I miss in English so I keep it without translating. It means to be well-infomed and well-read on many diffrent subjects.
2. Be an involved and good parent
3. Have a capital you have earned by hard work
4. Be an accomplished professional
5. Speak many languages
6. Have the opportunity to take the whole summer off from work
7. Spend time and money on charity and helping people in need
8. Have many friends
9. Live in a spacious house or apartment
10. Have your own style

Bottom 10
91. Plays tennis
92. Have a fully booked schedule
93. Be good at poker or games like that
94. Have an intense party life/night life
95. Be a good amateur DJ
96. Being single and have an intense love life
97. Have attended private school
98. Have a nanny or cleaner without paying proper taxes for your employee
99. Have a fur
100. Have a 15 year younger partner

It is quite impossible to be the whole top ten but still, I like what my coutrymen sees as an ideal person. But the last ten surprises me. I wouldn't have guessed that we have this aversion against tennis. Or that it is a bad thing to be a great DJ.

The one thing that confuses me the most is: How the **** are you suppose to score a full top ten without having a fully booked schedule, the 92nd thing?

I am happy that a high social status aren't on my personal top ten.

the older, the smarter?

Yesterday and today me and my kids did a very small but still gingerbread town. They are only front side and that gave me the opportunity to try to explain dimensions to a five year old. She wanted to do a regular house with four walls and a roof but I said that we would do them 2D instead of 3D. For a minute I thought that she would accept that but of course she asked what dimensions was and there wasn't many minutes until she could tell me that what we where baking was in 3D. I should have learned by now that I can't fool them and come with easy answers. When my English speaking readers will visit us I feel pretty sure that the very first word you will learn is varför why.

Our sugary town has seven buildings. Two of them is churches, one is a school and the rest is toy stores. I made a cross to make a church and then Ella, the middle child, wanted to do a cross too. First she told me that it was a one church with two buildings but then she got quiet for a while and changed her mind and said that it was two different churches, one for some and one for the ones that are not allowed in the first one.

It hurts that she is four years old and thinks of that sort of things. We have tried to not talk about not being welcome in our old Church and said that we wanted to change Church. But they are bright and observant all three of them. But I got happy right away when she said that my Church had to be the boring one because everyone was welcome at her Church. She gave me the tip later on that I should only have one color candy on my Church so everyone could see that it is a more boring place.

I realized that I can't project my own feelings of being rejected to her. She wasn't sad at all. She just felt that it was strange but natural with people that wants to be alone with people just like them and that she felt like it was their loss to miss a wonderful world of diversity. I hope that I will be as tolerating as her some day.

Inspiration!

Finally I have accomplished something! I have had a mental blackout for the last week. This might have been the worst week not to perform anything. I had to drop some courses and still have to much ahead. But today things started to fall into place and I have finished one analysis that will get me 100 points in my grade. I our system one hour represents one point and I need 2071 points to get a high school grade and be able to go on to college. Now I have two philosophy essays left and one on modern literature. Yesterday I was pretty sure I wouldn't make it but today it feels like I am going to be able to finish it.

Next term I will study at the same school that I started high school in 11 years ago. I haven't told them I am a man yet. In their paper I am the same as when I started all those years ago. Next week I will write a letter. I remember when I started at the school I am at now. It was in january this year and it feels like a lifetime ago. I had dislocated my right knee a few weeks earlier and walked with crutches. I didn't dare to say that I was male nor female in class. The first one to say any pronoun to me was the same teacher that I just have finished my analysis to. She never doubted, no one never did. The only one at that school to think that I might look feminine has been me. She has become very special to me. She said that it feels like an honor to read my papers which has made me be more and more personal. Her care tricked me into loving history as well. I was pretty sure that I hated history. It only made me feel ashamed of being human. But she ruined that...

Now I will finish the next assignment and write about René "I think, therefore I am" Descartes and his ontological proof of a benevolent God. If I finish that tonight I will reward myself with recording a voice message to Kentie. If you haven't listen to Flatus Show 73 you just have to! One of the topics is my favorite subject; myself.

unlife

Yesterday I got another niece. I will never meet her in this life.

It is strange with loss of someone you never knew. Dreams and hopes that never will be. It should never be like this.

I hope there is gingerbread houses in heaven, and butterflies, and cousins to loan, and birches to clime up in until the tummy tickles.

...emptiness...

Happy new year!

Today it is the first day of the Christian year. The new liturgical year that my lutheran Church follows begins today but I actually spent it in my parents pentecostal Church, who don't follow any liturgy in a strict sense of the word. But sure as many they have traditions a order of worship that everyone knows of and follows almost as strict as any defined liturgy. Well, the Sunday service I attended there today was very moving and fruitful. I don't know how much I read into it myself but it was very focused on the importance of being truthful, forgiving and honest to others but to one self to in order to focus on spreading the Word. That is something I have thought about a lot for the last year and it was good to hear someone else talk about it for a while.

This week I have met all four of my siblings, my three, soon to be four nieces and nephews my brothers in law and my parents. Not everyone at the same time at once, but still, all of them in a week. That's very nice.

Now I have to find some sleep. I have two weeks of intense school work left until I have a few weeks of holiday vacation when we will move up north. I don't know how much I will be writing, I shouldn't post here until I know that I will have the time and energy to do everything I have to get my grades. I have two distance courses I haven't got a hold on yet.