carpe diem quam minimum credula postero
This is a post that I have written and re written a few times. The word just simply don't come. I don't know if the thoughts are clear.
A little bit more than a year ago I met some transmen for the first time. I lived closeted for a very long time and it was a huge step for me to meet others like me. I liked them all and a few made a big impression on me. But I didn't get to know anyone of them. Not more then "wave and say hello when you see each other"-know. One man in particular really seemed to be interesting and I wanted to speak more to him but just didn't. I met him a few times during this last year and got more and more interested in getting to know him. I realized that I wouldn't change and start talking IRL so I found him on the internet to contact him online. I started to write on a message that I never sent and told myself that I would contact him when my semester ended. Now it has, but today I found out that so has he. He is no more and I never took the chances that was given to me to get to know him.
As a transperson I know to many that didn't survive but every time it really tears me apart. For so long I thought it was only me struggling to survive and I so bad wanted to know someone that knew how I feel. Now I am devastated by how many we are and I kind of wish that it was only me.
I am truly grateful for being trans and get to see myself and society from different views but these dark sides that I share with so many brothers breaks my hart over and over.
4 comments:
A dear friend of mine died about a month ago (maybe the guy you were going to contact?), and it's so tragic. Life seems to be harder on our brothers and sisters.
linderholm: I am so sorry for your loss. I think it might be the same man we miss.
Well, I'm still here, Alex. I know that there are many Transmen and Transwomen who are leaving this world way too soon. I was a wreck at the Transgender Day of Remembrance services that I attended. I totally lost my composure. But there were 2 things that really impressed me about the Trans community and myself that came out of such an emotional night:
1) I learned that I can find an uncommon strength to carry on in this fight for my rights and the rights of so many other Transpeople in the anger and sadness that I feel about losing people that I might not have known and probably never would have met. It's sort of a "diamond in the rough" effect, I think.
2) I learned that we as Transpeople have to stick up for each other and fight as hard as we can for one another because what it all comes down to is that we're all each other's got (in some ways) and if we don't have that connection with our Chosen Families, we're as good as dead ourselves because we're alone. It's not good to be alone when you're in our situation. It's not good at all.
I've revisited this post four different times, not sure how to respond. It feels me with both profound sadness and hope. Maybe the hope comes from knowing folks like you and elliot and diana and seeing your light and strength. But still this loss is profoundly sad.
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