Serenity

So I have given you peaces of my darker sides. I want to give you some parts of me that is more representative to what I think about. I still have dark days, and probably will have for the rest of my life. But I want to compensate with more of the daily me.

I can't begin to tell you how many times I have decided to stop being a Christian.

When I was 6 years old I got baptized in my Pentecostal Church. I was a bit younger then most people was when they was baptized. I had heard someone talk about how the will to be baptized was planted as a seed by the Holy Spirit and I wanted some prof that I was truly Christian so I told my parents that I wanted to be baptized.

After a submersion in cold water in the chapel besides the home of my childhood I stood in front of the parish and sang a song called "Jag har beslutat att följa Jesus"/"I have decided to follow Jesus". I remember how I asked what "beslutat"/decided meant. It is a word more like determine in swedish but means roughly the same. I remember how I felt that I didn't mean what I sang. I hadn't decided to follow Jesus. I had always been a Christian. It felt like saying that I had chosen to be my parents child. It was just the way it was. It felt particularly weird to sing "och aldrig mer tillbaka gå"/"no turning back, no turning back" (or literally "and never again turn back" (or if you want the swedish word by word, "and never more back go" well, back to the point)). Turn back to what? Not being baptized but still believe in Jesus? Well. I sang the song and was very happy to officially be in the family of Christ.

During the years I have tried to choose not to be a Christian. Because I never found grace I have to many times viewed my faith as something that almost me and I just had to be Christian because I didn't want to burn forever. But even if I did decide to stop being a Christian I have never felt like it worked for longer than until I fell a sleep. A few hours went OK but with a good nights sleep I always woke up and prayed and didn't remember I didn't believe in that and I accepted that my faith was still there.

A couple of years ago when I accepted fully that I am transsexual and always will have this glitch between body and mind if I don't change my body, I assumed God hated all transpeople that gave in to who they where. When I came to the point where I cried to God and said that I was truly sorry for being this way but that I still was the way I am and that I couldn't change and that I hope God could make me different before I died so I could be welcomed again. Like a sort of sabbatical leave for most of my lifetime and then God would come and re-save me at the autumn of my life.

For the first time I felt peace and I felt a very strong feeling of presence and for the first time I felt sure that God loved me no matter what.

When I came out to my parents i.e. my mom I had the same feeling. I was heartbroken and sure that it would be the beginning of the end of our relationship. When I came out I surely gave her a big chock but since then I have learned that both my parents truly loved me. Unfortunately I didn't know that earlier but it wasn't until I came to the crossing point and said "this is me and you have to take it or leave it" I finally could understand that I was loved. Both by my parents and by God.

I have always found the "take it or leave it"-mentality to be annoying and egoistic. But for me it turned out to be essential. I started this blog in the same spirit and what it has given me is not only new friends from around the world but also a much better contact with my relatives.

It can seem to self centered to focus as much as I do on myself and give in to my fallen nature. But since I started I have grown not only as a person but on every level and mostly spiritual. For the first time in my life I feel certain that I will forever be a Christian, not only because I don't know how to unChristianize myself but because it is the part of me I like the most and without it I wouldn't be me. It's the light of my life and I finally understand what Jesus talked about in John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." Even if I seem troubled and afraid I have a deeper knowledge than I had before I accepted myself that I am not only accepted, but loved because of who I am.

What is a poem?

So in English class we got to work with the homework in small groups. One assignment was to make a poem out of some of the words in the very long list I posted previously. We were allowed to use some additional words for it to make sense.

I used half of our words and wrote

disaproval at your disposal
emphasize various and regular insults
frequently clenched fists
never recall
just assume


I thought I had written a poem. Of course I would have written otherwise if I hadn't been limited in my choices of what word to write. But I think it has a meaning. But for the first time in a while I just got laugther back at me. Well, I did my homework and will surly never read another poem in that class. I will keep them for myself as usual.

Then we got more homework, so now I have to go back to that.

I am sitting at my library. With my I refer to the central public library of Umeå.

When I moved away from home a few days after my not so sweet 16 I moved to this city 230 km/143 miles away from my parents. It was as far away I could get back then. Since then a lot has happened. Not only has almost 12 years gone by, I have changed in many ways.

This time I moved as close as possible to the place I couldn't wait to get away from.
Contrary to me, this public library hasn't changed a lot. I have been sitting in this very chair many times before.

I liked to sit here when I was a teenager as well as now. It is a big round table with comfortable chairs between the book shelfs for religion and for foreign talking books. It is a quiet corner of the library and the few people who comes to this two shelfs is always interesting to observe. The chair I am sitting in is placed in a oriel that gives me a view over the avenue. Across the avenue I can see the window of the youth health clinic where I first understood that I truly am a human being.

I met a psychiatrist there about this time of year 11 years ago and first we chitchatted for a while and talked about my boyfriend, my parents and siblings. They are all good people but she picked up that there was something else and I felt comfortable enough to tell her a bit of what separated me from the rest of humanity. She immediately wrote a referral to the hospital and I got very good help to start to understand myself. Back then I didn't have words nor feelings to explain what made me feel like a bomb ready to detonate.

Now, a decade later I have learned how to allow myself to feel and to put words not only in my mother tongue but in a foreign language as well. That closes one chapter in the book of me and opens others. I am happy that chapter wasn't the only one in my story.

It gives me a special joy to sit here with Webster's 3rd and learn the words for todays English lesson. I am not at all against technology, on the contrary, I would use a online dictionary without a doubt if I had Internet here. But it surely is a wonderful feeling to have a huge dictionary in front of you and find ori•el on page 1591 for this post with a nice little illustration to show me that it really is the right word. Before today I didn't know that thinghood was a word. But Webster teach me on page 2376 : thinghood 1: the quality or state of being a thing. 2: something that constitutes a ting as such (~ must also include objective change - C.I. Lewis).

Now I have to study for my English class. My homework for this week is to read eight pages of a test about how we learn language and how the English language don't have a good word for a live-in partner. Then we have some words we have to know. If anyone want to learns some Swedish, here they are:

adult -- vuxen
mother tongue -- modersmål
cope with -- klara av, reda sig i
environment -- omgivning, miljö
context -- sammanhang
suitable -- lämplig
subject -- ämne
experience -- erfara, uppleva
sense -- sinne
approach -- närma sig, angripa
purpose -- syfte, ändamål
assume -- anta
level -- nivå
correspond -- motsvara
course -- kurs
achieve -- uppnå, åstadkomma
otherwise -- annars
whereas -- medan
require -- kräva
vocabulary -- ordförråd
regular -- regelbunden
generalization -- generalisering
regularity -- regelbundenhet
set forth -- lägga fram, presentera
consistent -- sammanhängande, konsekvent
systematize -- systematisera
finite verb -- verb som står i nutids- eller dåtids-form; i texten avses nutidsformen
hold for -- gälla
innumerable -- otalig
unsystematic -- osystematisk
go about -- bära sig åt, gå tillväga med
unconsciously -- omedvetet
handle -- behandla
disposal -- förfogande
carry over -- överföra
case -- fall
bother -- besvära, bekymra
whenever -- närhelst
differ from -- vara olik, skilja sig från
create -- skapa
apply -- tillämpa
above all -- framför allt
furnish -- förse, tillhandahålla
concrete -- konkret
go on -- gå efter, rätta sig efter
analyse -- analysera
thus -- sålunda
master -- behärska
abstract -- abstrakt
on the other hand -- å andra sidan
limit -- begränsa
educated -- bildad
clumsy -- klumpig, otymplig
laborious -- mödosam, tung
set -- uppsättning
the sheer number -- bara (blotta) antalet
various -- olika
peculiarity -- egenhet
time-consuming -- tidskrävande
essential -- väsentlig
unless -- om inte
grasp -- fatta, begripa
mainly -- huvudsakligen
tend -- tendera, ha en tenden
occur -- förekomma, uppträda
recall -- erinra sig, påminna sig
efficient -- effektiv
store -- lagra, bevara
means -- medel
connect -- förbinda
be similar -- likna
inner -- inre
structure -- struktur, uppbyggnad
stand to -- förhålla sig till
logical -- logisk
etymology -- etymologi
that we are likely to read about -- som vi sannolikt kommer att läsa om
hence -- därför
policy -- politik: tillvägagångssätt
concentrate on -- konsentrera sig på
frequent -- vanlig, ofta förekommande
by contrast -- däremot
argument -- resonemang
connected -- sammanhängande
substance -- substans, innehåll
whether...or -- vare sig...eller
naturally -- naturligt
fluently -- flytande
revise -- repetera
fix in our minds -- inpränta
worth while -- mödan värd
wag -- vifta på
rub -- gnida
wave -- vifta med
antenna -- känselspröt
linguist -- språkvetenskapsman
gesture -- gest
cave -- grotta
signal -- signalera till
standardize -- standardisera
communicate -- kommunisera
series -- serie
symbolize -- symbolisera
emphasize -- framhäva
punch -- kraft
emphasis -- eftertryck
obscene -- oansträndig
gladiator -- gladiator
clench -- knyta
fist -- knytnäve
extend -- sträcka ut
approval -- gillande
disapproval -- ogillande
approve -- gilla, godkänna
wink -- blinka
cooperate -- samarbeta
shrug the shoulders -- rycka på axlarna
dramatic -- dramatisk
indicate -- ange
first finger, index finger -- pekfinger
chest -- bröst(korg)
curl -- rulla: böja upp
tease -- reta
disrespect -- ringaktning
adult -- vuxen
snap -- knäppa med

If anyone still wonders why I don't post as much I just will say that this is my shortest HW in the three courses I have started, in two weeks I will start another course. But actually I work the other way around. With much to do I am more likely to write here. So maybe I will post more frequently during February.

Exodus International is lying

Alan Chambers is lying about my country. That makes me frustrated. First I thougt it was a missunderstanding but it seems to be nothing less than just a cheap lie to score easy points to a audience unable or unwilling to check the facts.

Today is the Religious Freedom Day and Exodus International is celebrating this with lies about Swedish laws. I first read about this on Tor Billgrens Swedish blog antigayretorik who quoted Exodus press release:

Chambers notes that there have been many examples of this in the United States and around the world. Canada, Australia, Sweden and other European nations have used hate crimes law to punish, even imprison preachers for speaking out against protected persons. Preachers have been fined or jailed in Canada and Sweden for quoting passages from the Bible about homosexuality.

No preacher in Sweden has been jailed for quoting passages from the Bible about homosexuality. It is a lie. Åke Green and Leif Liljeström was prosecuted but freed on the charges concerning quoting the bible in order to oppress homosexual persons.

Snow!

I have had some fights with blogger. Blogger refuse to upload pictures from me this weekend and I have tried to post just text twice but got errors even from that.

But now the pictures will load so maybe I have some luck with the posting as well.

I am back in the village I grew up. My parents moved away from here a couple of years ago down to Stockholm but they have kept this place and now my father is here for a few days and we drove up for the weekend.

This place is three hours up north from Umeå where we live. It is a very small village in a rather harsh climate. Usually it is snow on the ground from October until the end of April but most winters there are some snow left a lot longer. My birthday is June 5th and it wasn't many birthdays my neighbor didn't find some snow to make a birthday snowball to throw at me. Right now it is about a meter of snow here and -15°C/5°F. I am glad we didn't come two days earlier when it was -25°C/-13°F. I love the snow but I think it is hard to enjoy it when it is as cold as that.

The two images above is just taken with my phone camera from the car when we arrived yesterday. It doesn't make the spectacular sunset any justice. The house is where I grew up and the hill below is just to the right, you can see how they fit together.

I can now spell acclimatization without hesitating

So yesterday my kids started at their new preschool. I don't really know if preschool is the right name. My dictionaries are mostly online and my paper dictionaries do not make a difference between preschool, daycare and kindergarten. It is a place for kids between age 1-5 with educational activities a few hours but mostly just a place to be at when the parents work or like me, go to school.

I knew they had my old name in their papers and we hadn't told them anything about my transition before we arrived. I think it is good to meet people in person when I tell them about transgender stuff. That helps many people not to do the big you-are-a-sick-bastard-thing. When you meet someone eye to eye most people really tries to listen.

That is mostly the thing I want to avoid. People calling me names in front of the kids. So we went to the preschool knowing nothing about them except for the time and place to arrive. We knew that we will have a two week acclimatization period when we get to know the teachers and the kids get a chance to a slow introductory period. So I will meet the personal quite a lot for a few days now.

We arrived and a preschool teacher said hello, reached out to shake hands and presented herself. I will call her Y. We all said our names and I added "In your papers it says oldname. I was born in a more female body but felt like I needed to look more like I felt. In a couple of months I will get the name in order". That is about how much I think one can say before having to take a break and se how it was received. Y just looked cool and nodded and said "that is good to know". Then she turned to the kids and started go give them the grand tour. Then it didn't come up more in any way yesterday.

Today Y told me that they have spoken about same sex parents with the children earlier but she thinks that the kids are so alike both me and Noa that it is obvious that we both are the birth parents and she wanted to know how I wanted the personnel to respond to the the other kids and parents questions. I told her that most of the times our kids give good answers them self but if anyone asks the teachers I want them to answer as openly and direct as possible. Y exhaled and looked relieved. She said that she thought that most people would understand these things if they only was educated. She had watched a documentary about a transwoman with wife and three kids and said that she thought it was obvious that the woman was feeling much better by the transition. Then we talked on for a bit and I felt so happy that she will be in daily contact with my children.

The acclimatization goes well so far not only for me but for the kids to. Frode cried when he realized we were going home and the oldest just asked me if I could promise that they stay longer tomorrow.

Other than that. The weather is crazy. The little snow we had is melting, yesterday it rained! I love the sunsets from my bedroom but tomorrow we have to be at the preschool at 9 a.m. and the sun doesn't rise until after, maybe 9.15, maybe some minutes later. Then it sets again a few minutes after 2 p.m..

The picture at the top is from this mornings sunrise. They are building a few new houses nearby and I have this thing for constructions sites. It is a magical world for me. My father was working a lot when I grew up and he made stucco elements. The times when I got to visit him at construction sites was always very special to me and I still feel happy when I see houses being built.

First time on skates

If you are bored by parental pride, this is not the video for you! Surf away and come back later.

Our three children got skates from our very generous friend Gnu. Her kids had grown out of them and our kids has never tried skating before. I shot a short movie on Frode, our youngest.

If anyone want a high resolution version and can play .mov this is the place to go

Some heavy stuff

I like to move because it gives me a great opportunity to evaluate my life and sort out clutter both physically and mentally. At the same time I hate moving. Because when I evaluate my life I come back to the main issue in my life. How to survive myself. I am one of those who really have to struggle to stay alive. I know it probably will pass when I am finished transition. For most transpeople it does. I don't know if you readers know that transpeople have a extremely high suicidal percentage. I have met many "Christians" that have told me that it is Gods punishment for breaking some divine gender rule. That is statistically easy to see is just bullshit because after transition transpersons gets as eager to survive as non transpeople. The problem is not, let me repeat, NOT Gods punishment. Then it would just be as hard to survive after transition. The problem is much easier and at the same time much harder. The problem is how society, the family and one self can't accept this problem.

As so many transpeople I have been hated by so many for no peculiar reason. Even long before I came out as trans. Most people have noticed that something has been wrong with me anyway. I have never until I came out as trans liked myself so I can't blame others for acting the same way.

I have had three big reasons to keep on going.

1. My huge fear of the evil God I grew up with. My parents didn't give me that image of God intentionally, they where relatively quiet about God and just said prayers with us. I think they wanted me to form my own image of God but instead others gave me a very false image of a evil God that hates almost everybody. I have been scared of hell since I was 6 years old and have feared dying since then. I remember since I was seven how I have longed to die but at the same time being extremely scared of hell. A few years later an uncle to my dad died and I remember mom telling me that he was in heaven now and how I was scared for her ending up in hell just for telling me that he was going to heaven when I knew he had been a alcoholic and therefore by default was going downstairs. When I was a teenager I remember how my parents showed some bible cartoons to my little siblings where Jesus was portrayed as a nice and loving person who wanted everybody just to be nice. I secretly hide those tapes because I was afraid my siblings would be growing up and just be them self's and end up in hell. Nowadays of course I hope that they do think that God is loving but just 10 years ago that was one of my biggest fears. I knew I was screwed but I wanted my beloved siblings to walk the right path of ice cold fear.

2. My second previous reason to keep on was the humiliation I would feel if I tried to end things but would end up at the hospital and everyone would know that I was the freakish failure that could even kill my self. I have failed at almost everything I tried to do in life so I figured it wouldn't be surprising if I failed even that.

3. My last big thing was a fear of a funeral that would include some family members that felt obligated to attend and that no one would miss me.

Now I am fairly sure that if God exists then God is loving and the most I would see of hell was by living. I know I am loved by many and that the memory of me would last for a very long time.

I few weeks ago my mom asked me why people doesn't cry out for help and let people help them when they are suicidal. I think I said that I didn't know. I do know. I know I don't want people to know that I struggle with these questions. I know people will look at me differently after they have read this. I don't want people to come with easy answers and think that everything will be alright if they just tell me that they love me or that my children needs me.

Part of hating one to the level of wanting to end ones life include the standard answer to that. People love me because they don't know me, if I die they will live on with the memory of a fairly good me, not the real me. And as far as the kids goes. Of course I think they would be better of without me. How can people think that I or anyone else wouldn't think of this kind of things. Not just one or two times but for hours and hours.

If I was close to doing anything I wouldn't even be writing this. I would be sure to make it look as something my insurance would cover so I wouldn't be as much trouble for my family.

But lately I have started to think that maybe a reason to keep living is to talk about things like this. How it is to live in the shadow lands, how it is to be someone that other fears. But even if I get a thousand reasons I fear that I will have to really, really struggle with this for a long time. Sometimes every day, sometimes just a few time a month.

What I want people to understand is that myself and people like me do not need your fear. We have more then enough ourselves. What I need and many I have spoken to, is to know that we are accepted without change. That even our dark sides are welcome. I can be nice to people. I don't need to know that my politeness is loved. I need to know that there are places where I, the whole me, is welcomed. Where my story is something important and not just scary.

We are all the same. We all want to be loved. Even if some of us have a hard time accepting the fact that we already are.

I hate the fact that I hate myself. I am so ashamed of it. I don't want anyone to know it. I don't want anyone to fear me. I don't want anyone to think that I am to much to handle and that they don't have anything to give me.

When people ask what they can do for me I so badly want to have a good answer. But I don't. There are no easy answers. But to not do anything is always a bad thing. Passivity can be deadly. It gives the wrong people the power. It is like when my parents told me that God existed but didn't tell me about God. Even if they believe in a good God they remained silent towards me, probably in fear of being wrong, and gave others the power of defining God. I think that it is important to share our beliefs and our stories to one and others so that we can understand that there are never easy solutions. Life is complex and that is a good thing. I think that we too often feel ashamed of our prior wrongs or fear future ones so that to many of us accept silence. I think that shame and fear both are the opposite of what God wants.

Short update

I still don't have a internet connection at home and it can take some time for me to answer e-mails and update my blog. We are waiting for the painter to do some work at home before we can unpack the rest of our things but most things are in order. I love this place more and more. I can see the sunrise over the snow covered tree tops from our bed and the sunset from the living room.

Homemaking

Now everything we own is in the right city. Yesterday we arrived and almost everything in the kitchen is unpacked and later today I will put together the beds so that we can sleep at home. Tonight we slept at a dear friend and right now I am using her internet connection. We don't have our lines up yet. Our ISP have promised to have it up and alive in 1-3 weeks. How will i survive? Well, I guess that time is meant to get things in order, like buying more lamps. Who could have guessed that you need more lamps in a apartment twice the size?

It's already 9.20 am and I really have to get dressed, pack up the kids and go home!