Some heavy stuff

I like to move because it gives me a great opportunity to evaluate my life and sort out clutter both physically and mentally. At the same time I hate moving. Because when I evaluate my life I come back to the main issue in my life. How to survive myself. I am one of those who really have to struggle to stay alive. I know it probably will pass when I am finished transition. For most transpeople it does. I don't know if you readers know that transpeople have a extremely high suicidal percentage. I have met many "Christians" that have told me that it is Gods punishment for breaking some divine gender rule. That is statistically easy to see is just bullshit because after transition transpersons gets as eager to survive as non transpeople. The problem is not, let me repeat, NOT Gods punishment. Then it would just be as hard to survive after transition. The problem is much easier and at the same time much harder. The problem is how society, the family and one self can't accept this problem.

As so many transpeople I have been hated by so many for no peculiar reason. Even long before I came out as trans. Most people have noticed that something has been wrong with me anyway. I have never until I came out as trans liked myself so I can't blame others for acting the same way.

I have had three big reasons to keep on going.

1. My huge fear of the evil God I grew up with. My parents didn't give me that image of God intentionally, they where relatively quiet about God and just said prayers with us. I think they wanted me to form my own image of God but instead others gave me a very false image of a evil God that hates almost everybody. I have been scared of hell since I was 6 years old and have feared dying since then. I remember since I was seven how I have longed to die but at the same time being extremely scared of hell. A few years later an uncle to my dad died and I remember mom telling me that he was in heaven now and how I was scared for her ending up in hell just for telling me that he was going to heaven when I knew he had been a alcoholic and therefore by default was going downstairs. When I was a teenager I remember how my parents showed some bible cartoons to my little siblings where Jesus was portrayed as a nice and loving person who wanted everybody just to be nice. I secretly hide those tapes because I was afraid my siblings would be growing up and just be them self's and end up in hell. Nowadays of course I hope that they do think that God is loving but just 10 years ago that was one of my biggest fears. I knew I was screwed but I wanted my beloved siblings to walk the right path of ice cold fear.

2. My second previous reason to keep on was the humiliation I would feel if I tried to end things but would end up at the hospital and everyone would know that I was the freakish failure that could even kill my self. I have failed at almost everything I tried to do in life so I figured it wouldn't be surprising if I failed even that.

3. My last big thing was a fear of a funeral that would include some family members that felt obligated to attend and that no one would miss me.

Now I am fairly sure that if God exists then God is loving and the most I would see of hell was by living. I know I am loved by many and that the memory of me would last for a very long time.

I few weeks ago my mom asked me why people doesn't cry out for help and let people help them when they are suicidal. I think I said that I didn't know. I do know. I know I don't want people to know that I struggle with these questions. I know people will look at me differently after they have read this. I don't want people to come with easy answers and think that everything will be alright if they just tell me that they love me or that my children needs me.

Part of hating one to the level of wanting to end ones life include the standard answer to that. People love me because they don't know me, if I die they will live on with the memory of a fairly good me, not the real me. And as far as the kids goes. Of course I think they would be better of without me. How can people think that I or anyone else wouldn't think of this kind of things. Not just one or two times but for hours and hours.

If I was close to doing anything I wouldn't even be writing this. I would be sure to make it look as something my insurance would cover so I wouldn't be as much trouble for my family.

But lately I have started to think that maybe a reason to keep living is to talk about things like this. How it is to live in the shadow lands, how it is to be someone that other fears. But even if I get a thousand reasons I fear that I will have to really, really struggle with this for a long time. Sometimes every day, sometimes just a few time a month.

What I want people to understand is that myself and people like me do not need your fear. We have more then enough ourselves. What I need and many I have spoken to, is to know that we are accepted without change. That even our dark sides are welcome. I can be nice to people. I don't need to know that my politeness is loved. I need to know that there are places where I, the whole me, is welcomed. Where my story is something important and not just scary.

We are all the same. We all want to be loved. Even if some of us have a hard time accepting the fact that we already are.

I hate the fact that I hate myself. I am so ashamed of it. I don't want anyone to know it. I don't want anyone to fear me. I don't want anyone to think that I am to much to handle and that they don't have anything to give me.

When people ask what they can do for me I so badly want to have a good answer. But I don't. There are no easy answers. But to not do anything is always a bad thing. Passivity can be deadly. It gives the wrong people the power. It is like when my parents told me that God existed but didn't tell me about God. Even if they believe in a good God they remained silent towards me, probably in fear of being wrong, and gave others the power of defining God. I think that it is important to share our beliefs and our stories to one and others so that we can understand that there are never easy solutions. Life is complex and that is a good thing. I think that we too often feel ashamed of our prior wrongs or fear future ones so that to many of us accept silence. I think that shame and fear both are the opposite of what God wants.