Serenity

So I have given you peaces of my darker sides. I want to give you some parts of me that is more representative to what I think about. I still have dark days, and probably will have for the rest of my life. But I want to compensate with more of the daily me.

I can't begin to tell you how many times I have decided to stop being a Christian.

When I was 6 years old I got baptized in my Pentecostal Church. I was a bit younger then most people was when they was baptized. I had heard someone talk about how the will to be baptized was planted as a seed by the Holy Spirit and I wanted some prof that I was truly Christian so I told my parents that I wanted to be baptized.

After a submersion in cold water in the chapel besides the home of my childhood I stood in front of the parish and sang a song called "Jag har beslutat att följa Jesus"/"I have decided to follow Jesus". I remember how I asked what "beslutat"/decided meant. It is a word more like determine in swedish but means roughly the same. I remember how I felt that I didn't mean what I sang. I hadn't decided to follow Jesus. I had always been a Christian. It felt like saying that I had chosen to be my parents child. It was just the way it was. It felt particularly weird to sing "och aldrig mer tillbaka gå"/"no turning back, no turning back" (or literally "and never again turn back" (or if you want the swedish word by word, "and never more back go" well, back to the point)). Turn back to what? Not being baptized but still believe in Jesus? Well. I sang the song and was very happy to officially be in the family of Christ.

During the years I have tried to choose not to be a Christian. Because I never found grace I have to many times viewed my faith as something that almost me and I just had to be Christian because I didn't want to burn forever. But even if I did decide to stop being a Christian I have never felt like it worked for longer than until I fell a sleep. A few hours went OK but with a good nights sleep I always woke up and prayed and didn't remember I didn't believe in that and I accepted that my faith was still there.

A couple of years ago when I accepted fully that I am transsexual and always will have this glitch between body and mind if I don't change my body, I assumed God hated all transpeople that gave in to who they where. When I came to the point where I cried to God and said that I was truly sorry for being this way but that I still was the way I am and that I couldn't change and that I hope God could make me different before I died so I could be welcomed again. Like a sort of sabbatical leave for most of my lifetime and then God would come and re-save me at the autumn of my life.

For the first time I felt peace and I felt a very strong feeling of presence and for the first time I felt sure that God loved me no matter what.

When I came out to my parents i.e. my mom I had the same feeling. I was heartbroken and sure that it would be the beginning of the end of our relationship. When I came out I surely gave her a big chock but since then I have learned that both my parents truly loved me. Unfortunately I didn't know that earlier but it wasn't until I came to the crossing point and said "this is me and you have to take it or leave it" I finally could understand that I was loved. Both by my parents and by God.

I have always found the "take it or leave it"-mentality to be annoying and egoistic. But for me it turned out to be essential. I started this blog in the same spirit and what it has given me is not only new friends from around the world but also a much better contact with my relatives.

It can seem to self centered to focus as much as I do on myself and give in to my fallen nature. But since I started I have grown not only as a person but on every level and mostly spiritual. For the first time in my life I feel certain that I will forever be a Christian, not only because I don't know how to unChristianize myself but because it is the part of me I like the most and without it I wouldn't be me. It's the light of my life and I finally understand what Jesus talked about in John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." Even if I seem troubled and afraid I have a deeper knowledge than I had before I accepted myself that I am not only accepted, but loved because of who I am.