I don't know what to do with my money

I like that title. But no, I am not as rich as it imply, well I am rich but not counted in money, my assets arent material.

Still, the title is correct, I do have a problem with what to do with my money.

My parents like their parents are pentecostals. Growing up inside that movement being trans or gay wasn't an option. Maybe as an adult I could go back and consider being open but I can't see that it was a possibility back in my teens. Jesus and Satan was all that mattered. They where both two very real persons lurking about all the time. Everything good was of Jesus and everything bad or great was of Satan. Yes, everything great. Not only was everything bad that happend evil, even the really good things was bad. I remember when a big role model to me said she wanted to eat a whole block of chocolate, they come in 100 gram/3,5 oz blocks here. She knew she was a model for me and the moment she said it got devastated that she had said something so stupid. Of course a Christian wouldn't and shouldn't do or even talk about something like that. So we prayed that Jesus would take care of her craving that Satan given her.

Now, I know that I have some different readers and I think I can devide you into three groups. The first group will shout out or maybe laught ot a "what?!" and if I tell you about the first exorsism I attended was to drive away Satan from a 13 year old boy because a pastor found a Metallica CD you will stare at me trying to see if I am making fun of you. The second group are the ones saying "wow" and think back on your own expiriences or people you knew who reasoned that way and remember the fear and frustration is gives to live with so much energy focused on living as perfect as possible. The third group are the "well"s and you will follow your well with a explanation how sugar is bad for you and that eating a lot of chocolate really are bad for you and that it is always good to pray. Her behavior was pretty normal to you and I am pretty sure you will pray for me today.

I don't have a clue how many of you what, wow and wells that reads this and thats why I have written 2169 caracters so far and not even begun to explain the title. I just want you all to follow me.

There was many sermons about giving and how you had to pay you tithes gross or net. There was a lot to learn. You had to give more then others who were in the same economical situation as you but it was never allowed to ask how much others gave. You had to give with a loving hart and was never to feel like it was a obligation but you where obligated to give at least more then you saved every month. If you felt obligated it was because you didn't love Jesus enough. Satan was in control of you. This was such a big thing that people made a habit of spending all money at payday and repent the day after just because it was to hard to understand what the Church really wanted you to do.

When I started to question Evangelicalism, that was about two years ago, I started to question the tithes, the shame I had regaring the requirements to give. I have felt shame regardless if I have given 2 or 20%, no matter how much I give there is always someone who has less and do I really need 12 forks? Maybe I should give some of them... When I questioned my guilty conscious about giving I stopped giving money and I was afraid that alone would chrush my faith but I was sickend by always thinking about giving. When I did my grosserys it made me go crazy. Should I by the more expensive local goods to satisfy my will to reduce the environmental pressure or should I buy the Brazilian honey to get some kronor (the swedish currency) over to give away to the poor, the poor needs the money more then the Swedish farmers. Okej, the Swedish honey, but what about the beans. Is it okey to buy Chinse soy beans? Soy doesn't grow in Sweden... It easily becomes 500 questions during one day and the two things I knew for sure is that I have to be obsessed in order to figure all the unwritten rules and that it is wrong to obsess. So I stoped giving anything. For the first time ever I felt blessed and money was given to me from strangers and I could feel that God liked that I put the fear of not giving enought behind.

Now when I have found peace with not giving anything a more healty need to share of my surplus has grown stronger. And at the same time I have realized that money is a small matter, what really matters is what I do with my other talents.

Now I do have a will to give some money, even if it is not much, but I don't know where to put it. During the last years when I have found out more about who I am I have gotten maybe too picky. I want to support some organisation that knows that woman are people. I want "my" organisation to know something about LGBITQ-issues. They don't have to be perfect but if I give money to a orpanage in some African country I want to know that a teenager can be openly gay inside the orpanage. Sure, I knoe that I can't have to high expectatios but at the same time, if nobody never had high expectations nothing would evolve and get better. Money is power and if I can I want to give that power to as good organisations as possible. I don't like the way it is now, giving my money to organisations I know haven't dealt with those issuses yet and just pray to God that my money wont go to some missionary who preaches that homosexual persons are demonic. I give some money to Swedish political organisations just because I know what they will do with it but personally I want to give my money to some organisation or just someone who are Christian. But I would get to sad if I realized that my money supported the opression I felt in my early years.

Maybe I have to buy fair trade chocolate for every single krona I have and just glutton. It would be stupid but I am glad to know that my salvation aren't at risk by the amount of chocolate I eat or how much I enyoy it.