Friday in Stockholm

I'm on a short vacation down in Stockholm and will not write much just deliver another monster. I hope y'all are having a good time. A special thought to everyone in Irvine at the bXg conference.

click to view in a readable size:

Friday? Really?

Yeah, seems to be Friday at last... (click for enlargement)





For a few weeks just with the kids color pencils and no water color but maybe that will change back in time. I hope the Fridays will come more regularly for a time now.

Just a little bit of summer

My parents-in-law came and made the kids summer even more fun. The last few days happened to be filled with many animals. I have no time to sit down and write more but you can take a look at some photos from the last couple of days and make your own story.

That dude, what's his name?

I have an interesting problem/milestone. I am sitting here with the application form for my legal sex change. After a couple of years it just comes down a simple one-paged form with a number of boxes and lines. I have to fill in this form to apply for a permit to do more surgery, to get my new names and then finally get my new male personnummer and then I'm done.

I have to send this form tomorrow and before I send it in I have to decide what my new names will be. My first name Alexander feels good but i want to have to other names as I do now and as most people around me have.

I have thought of what names I should take for several years and two times earlier I have applied for just a name change but those requests was turned down because of bureaucracal mistakes or inexperience from my side.

When we expected our first child we had a number of names possible for that child and when she was born and got her name we saved the list of names for future children. When the next one was on her way all the old names still was beautiful but seemed strange to think of again.

I feel sort of the same way now. The old names I thought of for me seems strange to use and now when I sit here with the surreal application form I don't know what to choose or what to write.

I feel pretty comfortable with Alexander, the only hesitation there is that my father seems a bit skeptical and the name is after his father and parents have a lot to say when it comes to name to wear.

So what shall I write on that little line on this little form? Any suggestions will be thoughtfully considered even if I obviously have the last word. Please help me now friends and family! :)

Colors

Peterson Toscano wrote a very good post about being a refugee and I made a comment there and got thinking about personality and what it is that make me like some people/churches/clubs/situations/whatever and dislike others.

In the comment I wrote "I am my own color on Gods palette. There might not be other colors like me but I match well with other nuances and even some contrast colors." The more I think about it the more I like that image.


I have two friends that are divorced and have a ugly fight over the children right now. They are a really bad match and they only have two things in common. They both love the kids and how they both think that the other parent is the worst being on the earth. They both have good and bad qualities and watching them makes me more and more convinced that most people are equally good and bad just in different ways and it is just a matter of finding people you get along with.

In one way this seems like something most people would agree on but at the same time we grade people differently all the time. On what seems to be a linear scale. We don't have to look far to hear comments like "1st person isn't good enough for 2nd person".

If we could look upon our fellow creatures more like colors that might change. Different colors matches with each other and some colors are more popular than others but few can argue and say that purple is an objectively worse color off less worth in the world than green or that a warm nuance of red have a bigger value for the world than a colder red. I think that most people think that it is good that every color exists. At the same time I think that everyone would agree that they don't want every color in the world on their walls in their living room. It is widely accepted that different people can like and dislike different colors and match them together as they like without wanting to change what colors should exist in the world.

I like a lot of people and I dislike some. The ones that I dislike are just colors I don't want to combine my own color with. They might fit well in others living rooms but not mine. My color is beautiful with with my husbands but far from all colors that are beautiful with his is beautiful with mine.

Different people likes different colors together, some think that pink and red are beautiful together, others think it is a terrible combination. Some people I like myself with don't agree and some that think their color goes well with me I don't really see as beautiful.

Some colors you want to have around you all the time, some colors are nice for shorter amounts of time.

Yes, I think I will keep this image.

Happy New Year

Today 109 years ago Federico García Lorca was born in Granada. I couple of days I didn't know about him at all and when I read about him I learned that we share the same birthday so I had to read a bit about him. He was a multi talented Spanish poet and dramatist. At the age of 38 he was killed by the nationalists. In the Wikipedia article about him it says:

He was executed, shot by Falange militia on August 19, 1936. The executioner is reputed to have said "I fired two bullets into his arse for being a queer."

I wish I could say that much has happened since then...

But today all is good up here. I have had a wonderful day today. Perfect weather, nice company, really good vegan food, thoughtful gifts and I feel so glad that I am who I am where I am today.

As I always do on birthdays I evaluate the last year and make dreams for the next year. It is interesting to see how much my dreams can change from year to year and how I seem to learn at least a bit every now and then. After I have posted this I shall relax and listen to some new music and read some more poems until the sun rises again. Not very smart but after a day with tired kids and many impressions it is nice to be awake all alone.

If there is more out there that didn't know Lorca before here is one of his poems for you:

Sonnet of the Sweet Complaint

Never let me lose the marvel
of your statue-like eyes, or the accent
the solitary rose of your breath
places on my cheek at night.

I am afraid of being, on this shore,
a branchless trunk, and what I most regret
is having no flower, pulp, or clay
for the worm of my despair.

If you are my hidden treasure,
if you are my cross, my dampened pain,
if I am a dog, and you alone my master,

never let me lose what I have gained,
and adorn the branches of your river
with leaves of my estranged Autumn.

--Federico García Lorca


I hope you all have a good day. Tomorrow is our national holiday. It is not celebrated much at all, at least not by the people I know. Only way it effects me is that I always can sleep in the day after my birthday. On TV they will probably sing our national anthem and humble as I am I always get the same thought when I hear that tune -- I may not know much but I am not as stupid as that song. This is how it goes:


You ancient, you free, you mountainous North
You quiet, you joyful beauty
I greet You, most beautiful land upon earth
Your sun, Your sky, Your meadows green


You throne upon memories of great olden days
When honoured Your name flew over the world
I know that You are and will be as you were
Yes, I want to live I want to die in the North


First of all. The most beautiful land? The idea of beauty as something objective where one thing can be the most beautiful as that doesn't match my way of understanding. Second of all I don't like the idea of throning on old great wars. I can't be less proud of wars. But it is the penultimate line that makes me sigh and wonder what they where thinking. I know that You are and will be as you were. I may not know who I am but at least I know that nothing will ever be as it always where. And that is good, change is good.

Lunch break

So I'm on my lunch break from work. Yes! It has been a long time since I had a job more than a few hours here and there so it is sweet to be able to say that: I am on my lunch break.

When I work I sit in my bed with my laptop on my lap and now on my break I sit here in my bed with my laptop on my lap. More specifically my job is at a company called Voxbiblia who sell the Bible on audio files in different ways. Right now I am sitting and cutting files following our Swedish Lectionary.

Noa, my husband also work at Voxbiblia and has recently made a nice little embedded player that I want to try out.



Now my break is over and I will go back to work.

Tinky Winky in trubble again

Polands official spokesperson for children's rights, Ewa Sowinska wants psychologists to examine if Tinky Winky, the purple Teletubbie is gay and should be banned from public television in Poland. Ewa Sowinska had watched Teletubbies and didn't realise he was a boy at first and was very concerned when she understood that it was a boy that carried a handbag. You probably remember the same argumentation from Jerry Falwell many years ago.

From a BBC article:

Ms Sowinska wants the psychologists to make a recommendation about whether the children's show should be broadcast on public television.

Poland's authorities have recently initiated a series of moves to outlaw the promotion of homosexuality among the nation's children.

It is strange that a country can spend so much energy on the wrong things but I think it is even more strange that so many thinks that a handbag makes someone gay. I know a lot of gay men and only one of them have I ever seen carrying a handbag. Men carrying handbags are often transvestites and they are most often heterosexual. As so often the conservatives are not mainly afraid of homosexuality but of non-heteronormality.

Lite på svenska

So here's a post mostly in Swedish. I wrote a fictional letter and I don't think I can translate it to English but I know many of you know Swedish so here it is:

Min älskade

Nu ligger jag nedbäddad i din säng. Jag kommer hit varje dag och låter minnena av dig skölja över mig. Det var länge sedan de sista doftfragmenten av din underbara kropp försvann men jag letar ändå långsamt och noggrant mig fram med slutna ögon och tänker att om jag bara kan känna ett uns av din doft så finns du kvar här hos mig.

Hur kunde jag låta mig bli så hals över huvud förälskad i dig? Förtvivlan över att vi aldrig hann dela våra tankar om tiden innan. Tankarna om varandra under den första tiden tillsammans. Du vet hur man ofta en bit in i relationer går tillbaka och väver ihop minnena från de första stegen tillsammas. När visste du första gången att du var dragen till mig? Visste du redan när jag kom fram till dig den där första gången att jag redan fallit för dig? Visste du någonsin att jag redan innan vi sagt ett ord till varandra hade tappat fotfästet och var bortom all räddning?

Minns du när vi kysstes första gången? Det är klart att du gör. Men vet du hur det var för mig? Jag började tappa hoppet om att någonsin komma dig nära då du böjde dig fram och kysste mig. En stilla kyss, kanske bara ett kort farväl från din sida. Jag är så ledsen att jag aldrig fick berätta för dig hur du fick mig att för ett ögonblick glömma allt annat. Hur det bara var du och jag i hela världen. Inga bekymmer, inga sjukdomar, ingen annan någonstans. Det var bara du och jag kvar i hela världen.

Jag önskar att jag kunde sätta mig ner och berätta hur mycket den kyssen betydde för mig. Av alla ögonblick som byggt mitt liv är det den stunden som jag allra helst minns. I det ögonblicket var allt bara lycka.

Allt stannade upp.
Allt stannade kvar.

I den stunden vad vi de enda som fanns, de enda som räknades. Du var allt för mig och jag tror att jag var allt för dig

Men det är något jag aldrig kommer att få veta. Jag hoppas att du fick veta vad jag tänkte. Jag hoppas att du vet, verkligen vet, hur du stannade upp lela min tid, hela mitt jag. Men jag är rädd att du inte ens anar. Att det inte finns någon eller något som berättar allt det här för dig.

Det finns ingen doft kvar av dig i dag heller. Den här sängen är bara sängen du sov i, inte sängen du finns kvar i.

Min älskade, jag hoppas att jag får kalla dig min älskade. Visste du att jag älskade dig? Eller var vi bara en stund av verklighetsflykt och gemensamma drömmar för dig? När du kysste mig den första gången, kände du då också att hela världen stannade eller fyllde världen dig med skam och skuld över den börda du la på mig? Trodde du att du kunde välja om jag skulle älska dig eller inte? Trodde du att du la ditt ok på mig?

Min älskade, om jag har en önskan i mitt liv så är det att du får veta, verkligen veta, att det du gett mig var allt igenom min gläde att bära. Ingenting av det du lagt på mig var en börda. Om allt jag fått av dig var en kyss vore jag för evig tid glad. Nu fick jag oändligt mycket mer och varje dag är en dag då jag tackar gudarna att jag fick träffa dig.

När jag var barn berättade min farfar de mest fantastiska historier om tiden före vår, när magiska varelser härskade på vår jord och alla sagorna skrevs ner. Jag trodde att sagornas tid var förbi, att allt i vår tid var utan magi. Skulle inte varje väsen från alla tider avundas oss, alla tidigare historier blekna när vår blev berättad?

Den första kyssen du gav mig innan vår resa formade allt det jag är. Resten av vår saga gav oss mig alla nyanser till den tavla som nu är vårt liv. Du och jag. Allt något så stort kan vara så kort.

Varken du eller jag var perfekta. Ändå blev vi tillsammans det vackraste som någonsin funnits. Det som för evig tid kommer att eka mellan bergen. Sagan som alltid lever kvar.

Vi trodde båda att livet var över, vi trodde båda att allt var stora var för andra. Men det vi fick var den största av skatter. Att två liv kan få vävas ihop så nära, att två liv faktiskt kan bli ett. Det måste vara den största gåvan någonsin given samtidigt det som nu förbannat mig till att för evig tid vara halv.

Att ligga i dina armar och veta att jag var för evigt trygg. Att känna mig helt säker, helt trygg och allt igenom hel. Det var mer än jag någonsin kan önska.

När du låg där i min famn och hela världen var vår, när plötsligt en tår föll ner för din kind och landade på mitt bröst. Visst ville jag för alltid stanna kvar i min dröm men att få möta verkligheten med dig var en större smärta än jag kunde bära men samtidigt mer ljuvt än allt jag tidigare drömt om.

Jag önskar att du finns där ute och fått höra hur ren och klar min kärlek för dig var i ögonblicket då du berättade för mig. Jag minns med smärta den tystnad och den sorg jag kanske visade. Min vän. Min tystnad och stillhet var inte i på något sätt skapad av besvikelse. Den tid vi fick tillsammans fick aldrig smaka ett ögonblick av besvikelse.

Jag borde ha lyft upp dig i en virveldans, kysst dig och berättat högt och klart att jag var din. Men trots att jag bara låg där stilla och tyst fick jag vara din tills all din tid var slut. Min vän, min värld, mitt allt. Att våra dagar inte ens hann bli räknade. Att din tid redan var slut. Att jag ligger här och letar fragment av din doft i den säng där vår saga fick sitt slut. Att den sjukdom redan ägde allt so var du. Allt detta innan vi knappt fick börja vårt liv tillsammans.

Nu är du borta och jag ligger här. Med papper och penna du lämnat mig skriver jag ett brev som du aldrig kan läsa. Du och jag hade allt. Kanske var det därför vi aldrig kunde bli mer. Det var rätt redan från början. Nu ligger jag här i din säng som bara bär doften av mig och min desperata längtan efter mer av dig. Du är för alltid borta och jag är för evigt bara halv.

Make adverbs, not jokes

Last week I had a English class lead by a very nervous teachers student. He held a lesson on how to make adjectives into adverbs. Many if not everyone of us students had heard about this several times before but he was to nervous to notice that. In the end of the lesson we got a few adjectives to make adverbs out of by our selves for a few minutes and then he questioned us how we did. Still very nervous he didn't hear what we were answering and asked the same question over and over again.

Actual excerpt:

Teacher: If the adjective is hard, what is the adverb?
Me: Hard.
Teacher didn't hear me and continued: Did anybody write hardly?
Me: Hardly...
Teacher: But that is wrong Alex, the adjective is hard. Does anybody know what hardly means?
Me: Hardly.
Teacher: Yes, do you know what hardly mean?
Me: Hardly.
Teacher: Yes, do you know what it means?
Me: Almost not at all. I barely have an idea of what it means.

Teacher explains it in Swedish since he is sure I don't know.

Teacher: Can anyone make a adverb out of sarcastic?
Me: Sarcastically I can't.
Teacher: What?
Me: Sarcastically...
Teacher: That is correct, great Alex.

And so the lesson went on.

I am glad my term is coming to an end. I have just gotten a great job and might not be coming back to school this fall. But that is another post.

Spring-time happiness or just another post.

So right about now the fabulous mr Peterson Toscano is performing a stand-up performance in my town and I am sitting here at home missing out on it. Strangely that feels rather good. The reason why Im here and not there is because I have three kids I get to spend the evening with. Right now I am listening to Rufus Wainwrights new album Release the Stars and as soon as the kids are asleep I will watch a episode of one of my favorite TV-show with a glass of wine left over from the dinner we had yesterday with the whole apartment filled with people I like and love. No, I am not even close to complaining I just feel blessed.

I know I haven't been writing much here lately. That is mostly because my life has been crazy busy with the end of my term. My last final is tomorrow and than things might be slowing down. Another reason I am not writing as much is that much of what Im thinking about is on a personal level and I don't really know where I stand and then it can be even more confusing to write about it and share it with others.

Yesterday I finished my utredning/inqury that is obligatory to make a legal sex change in Sweden. I finished all of it except for this last step last spring and now I am finally finished with all of it. Now it is mostly waiting left. And a thousand other things. But it is a huge step and relief to be where I am now.

I have a thousand wishes regarding how my life could improve but at the same time I am so happy to be where I am now. More and more often I get the priceless feeling that I am just the person I should be right in the place I should be in.

Faliure

Yesterday I got some frustrating news.

In Sweden the equivalent to high school is called gymnasium. I did not graduate the gymnasium in my teens but dropped out. To be able to study at a higher level you have to graduate and get a diploma called slutbetyg - a name an English teacher student I had once translated not to final grade or school-leaving certificate but to slut grade.

The rules surrounding this slutbetyg is complicated and differs if you are young, have finished some high school or non at all. A couple of days ago I heard from another student that a rule I thought I had gotten right actually was different and that I then would not qualify for higher education after this term. So I went to the guidance office to seek some answer and was very relieved to learn that I had got the rule right. For a second or so I felt really good but then she looked closer on my report cards I brought and told me that I missed a required coarse. My last guidance council told me I didn't have to take that coarse but I learned that she probably thought I hadn't any previous high school and I do so the rules force me to take that coarse and now it is to late to do this term so there is no chance of going to the university this fall.

I felt so stupid for not double check the first info I got. If I had known this earlier it wouldn't have been any problem. It is a coarse I wanted to take every term but it never really worked well with my schedule.

The problem for me now is not that I have to take this coarse. The problem is that I completely lost motivation and inspiration to finish this term. I have been on reserve energy for a while and now I just feel empty.

I got a profound sense of worthlessness and meaninglessness I didn't go to todays class even if I really need them. Tomorrow is my first final and I know I will go but I feel like such a failure even in advance so I doubt it will go well. It's the first of two English class finals and it is 90 minutes of essay writing. It will probably result in me writing even less on this blog for a while. The main reason for my infrequent posts here is my English class and getting language "skills" graded. I should focus my energy onto something I do well instead. Unfortunately I haven't found much of that. My talents are above average in much areas but I am not really good at anything.

I detest our school system right now. I am so stupid but the system seems to be even more stupid. I have studied so much and so hard and I scored so high on the högskoleprov, our national university aptitude test and still I can't get in because of a short and irrelevant coarse I will never need for knowledge just for the qualification. It is a science coarse and I will study history and philosophy.

Graduation seems to be for others than me. But I know I will finish it. I have failed enough and I got more than enough of stubborn genes and I will do this. I just have to get the frustration out on something and now it gets to be you.

Mom, don't get worried, I am just sad and frustrated. Many things are very good as well. The spring is coming at last. If you squint you hardly see any ice on the shore in this photo on our Nydalasjön

Grown up, grown cynical or just changed.

Today my daughters had a friend over to play. That was the first time they brought home a friend by them self since we moved up here more than 3 months ago. I am happy to learn that they make new friends here at the block. The friend seems nice.

The first thing I did was to go to the kitchen and clean up a bit and then pick up a few things that was lying on the floor. I thought the familiar thought "why is it always a mess at home?" and then I remembered how it was about a year ago. Everything in the sink was from the last meal we ate. Last year I was happy if the sink even was showing under all the mess. Today I picked up 5-10 things from the floor and nothing was left. A year ago 5-10 things wouldn't had made a big difference at all.

It is not that I have a spotless home, not at all. We still have a entire living room filled with junk, cartons, clutter and it is not at all moved into. But the rooms we have moved into is in rather good shape.

But still. When someone came over I got the exact same feeling of messy guilt as I got 1 or 10 years ago. What was normal then is not normal to me now. What is normal to me now was unthinkable to much work with a one-year-old and much less energy.

5 years ago we was conservative Christians starting up a Vineyard Church in a city far, far away. What was normal for me then seems so far away now. If I had known what would come I don't know what I would have done. I think that I would have regarded myself as a transitioned male living in the relation I do as the worst nightmare possible. Now I think of that time as so painful and soul-limiting and spiritually smothering. I feel so much more alive now and it feels like I can breath more freely (not only because I just vacuumed most of the apartment something seldom done back then). I wasn't very mainstream conservative Christian then. I was very annoying saying and doing things people questioned but mostly I questioned everything. I wondered what the Bible said and how to live by it and my leaders gave me good answers for a while and when they didn't have any more answers they just said "good question, lets pray together about that" and I was called prophet and leader because I dared to question as long as I did it in the right way.

Now I ask as many questions but I do not do it in the same way. I question things that we agreed was unquestionable. I am no longer a role model but a heretic and danger. I am someone to keep children away from.

What is it that makes me so dangerous now? Besides from gender and other outside changes I think that the danger mostly is this: I now question how I should live to embrace myself and regard that as a positive thing. 5 years ago "me" and "myself" was almost dirty words. The question had to be how to live by The Word or how to spread the Kingdom, how to save more souls. To focus on me and to feel good was just plain foolishness.

Speak about foolishness...

When I see my children play with their new friend I feel so happy. Why? It is simple, because they seem happy. If they are happy I am happy. I am a parent and of course I enjoy it when they grow and learn new things and get new nice friends. Some times it is a bit more complex but when it comes down to it that is how it is. I can not understand how I thought God would be happy if I did things against my will to please God. I am very happy that life took me here. Even if I surly know much less now than I did 5 years ago. Back then I new a lot and had a opinion on everything. Now I don't , but now I now how to enjoy the days as never before and at the same time at least ever other week have a rather nice apartment at the same time.

(last week I was kitty-sitter for my friends J&J:s cats Ester and Pius. They are about 7 months (I think -- bad kitty-sitter don't remember))

My first EDM challenge

This is my first contribution to the weekly EDM challenge. A community I got interested in by my sister who have done several EDM challenges and have them on her blog Depict.

EDM #114 "Draw something ugly that you love for it's sentimental value,
journal about the object."

It is also the first time I use a dip pen and ink instead of regular pens.

Patient

So I had surgery 10 days ago. Nothing major and nothing minor. Or maybe both major and minor. The OR was cancelled 13 hours before I was supposed to check myself in. Besides the immediate frustration to get a phone call canceling something I just drove 500 miles to do I was disapointed on a deeper level and I felt really broken. I have waited for almost two years to get this chest surgery and I have always told myself it is no big deal but just practical to get it done so I don't have to care about binders and stuff. But when I got the call telling me it was canceled I got beyond sad and maybe close to mad. But magic happened and I got my surgery. It went fine and the first day was tough pain wise but now I have no pain left. I am just tired and the scars itch as it heals.

Just one tiny complication. One of my nipples doesn't get what it wants and is a bit cranky. I have been to the ER three times the last three days and had several phone calls and now most people involved agrees that it is no infection and just bad circulation and hopefully rest of my body can share some blood and the tissue can start to heal. It is a very different feeling to look down on a body part and see how it turnes blue, purple and now black just hoping that something good will happen and that it will not die and fall off. I have some good blood, why can't I force my body to just share some more with the nipple? It is so easy to think that you are in charge of your body. This is my body I decide where the blood goes! If it wasn't ice on every lake I would seriously go looking for leeches. I am not good at just sitting and waiting to see if pieces of me will heal or fall off.

Tomorrow morning the eastern weekend is over and I will contact the plastic surgery clinic at the huge local teaching hospital and I hope that the step from ER:s to regular wards at regular hours get more rewarding comments than "that looks bad but there's nothing we can do". But mostly happy I don't have any pain. I feel free and n the right track. To annoy any (every) American trans person I can tell you that the total cost for my surgery, the three er-consultations and the many phone-calls up till now have reached a total of 0 kr. That is about $0 in your currency. The bright side of our almost socialism. Well I have spent some money on gas to get to the hospitals and the same almost socialism makes the gas cost more than twice as much here. To be fair I have spent 300-400 kr/~$50 on antibiotics and Panodil/Panadol. But now I have reached the limit for how much I have to pay on prescribed medications this year. Free health care for everyone is better than good.

Now I have to post this and jump in the shower. The kids and I have eastern break for a week and now when the clock has turned 8.50 am they think I am almost evil not having done anything funny yet. Not to mention how deeply unjust it is that the store we have plans on going to not opens before 10. How on earth could my offspring become early birds?

Did I want to become a man?

"So you have always wanted to be a guy?" The question is as far as I know inevitable. Almost always I go the easy way and give people the answer they are looking for. "Yes, for as long as I can remember, at least since I was 4" They often nod and says something like "wow" and act surprised even if it is just the answer they where looking for.

What people often want is that things or people outside of the norm still is at least some what predictable. We strive for all our life to minimize the unknown around us. I think it is a profound human thing to do. I do it as well. I know how people react to my standard answers to most questions. So I give the easy ones.

Have I always wanted to be a guy? Absolutely not! Most of my life I have used all my energy trying to be a woman. I have not wanted anything as much as I have wanted to be a woman and stop having my unwanted male identity.

My partner Noa is left-handed. Has he always wanted to be wired that way? Probably not. It is not a big deal but it is rather impractical and it would have been easier to write without smudging with his right. But he is not right-handed even if it seems smarter considering the consequences. He just is. No why or how questions answered he just write better with the left hand.

I did a good job as a woman, most people that knew me then can assure you. Mostly I am the exact same person now as then with just some slightly changes.

A few days ago I did a change that seems major to many. I did my chest surgery after years of binding. For my identity it is not a big change. Personally it is just a way to avoid the physical pain of binding and because the breast only felt in the way and gave me an unnatural feeling hard to explain. My big change was when people I met started to see me as the man I am. As the man I think I was born to be.

When I decided to transition it was not because I wanted to be a man, it was that I had no energy left for trying to be a woman. I know many think I did a splendid job but for me being a man or a woman is something deeper than appearance. I know many that do not feel that they have to be labeled as man nor woman but I am not one of them. I have tried but that is just not who I am.

The last year I have more and more learned that I do not only accept myself as male but like myself. I have more energy then before and learn new things about myself every day. One of the things I still learning is the fine and hard balance between choosing who and what you are and accepting the same. That is not a easy thing. I can choose much in life to some extend but others are forced upon me. I could choose to try to make a carrier in singing and it would go terrible. I can't hold a tune. But I sure have other blessings and pieces that in the end is what is me.

To express myself as male is one piece in my puzzle that seemed so wrong and frightening at first but at the same time inevitable. Now when I have accepted this piece I am more and more happy about it and embrace it but at the same time it is getting a less and less deal for me. When I meet new people (and out my transgendership) my genderhistory always is something that they define by. For me that is not that important. Things I wounder about is the pieces important to me right now. How to be a good (or at least ok) parent, how to live in relationships and even rules regarding derivative and my math class is more central in what defines me at the moment.

Another thing I have learned maybe from being transgendered and so "abnormal" is how both very alike and very different we all are. Just as the Friday monsters most of us share the same fears of being rejected or too odd. At the same time there are so very different situations and dilemmas that scares us. It is both remarkable and beautiful. Diversity is beautiful and enriching but knowledge has to be a part of it. Without knowledge hate and fear grows and we only accept when people answers with the answer we expect them to.

If I would just answer "no" to the next person asking me if I always wanted to be a man it would rise some eyebrows. If I give them the time to explain myself and provide some knowledge the understanding between us would be far better than if I just answered "yes". But if I would just say "no" and not go any further people would probably think I was crazy or lie. Because they "know" what the supposed right answer should be to that question and if I would answer wrong and not explain myself the fear of the unknown would drive us more apart.

Sometimes I would like to have the long and correct answer to all the regular questions in a easy format where people asking the same question for the thousand time could get a clue of who I am. Ohh, wait. Isn't this blog just that? :)

Exhausted

When I woke up today I had an e-mail waiting from my social studies teacher telling me no major corrections had to be made in my paper about UN and terrorism that was due to day at noon. So I did a few changes and handed it in more than an hour before deadline. 14 pages and I was totally exhausted. Not the best of times to be tired because not even two hours later I had the incredibly fun honor to have a class of teacher students at the university forced to listen to me for over two and a half hour. It was a requirement for them to be there and they was a bit negative at the beginning but at the end the questions came flowing and I had no chance to answer them all in just a few hours. But I feel rather drained now. I sat down for a minute and planned to do two lab reports to my science class (deadline tomorrow morning 9 a.m). But instead I had to do something with my hands and I feel to tired to paint so I sew curtains to the kids playroom. Very cute green fabric with spiders which made the kids force me to sing Itsy Bitsy Spider 50 times altering between English and Swedish.

Tomorrow morning I have to be up by 6.30 to write that lab reports and Wednesday I first have a vocabulary test for two hours followed by a oral presentation of my terrorism paper.

I will sleep very well this weekend!

Next week I will be out of town for a while. I will undergo some surgery on Tuesday and any prayers, thoughts and/or good vibrations will be appreciated. I am sorry for not posting as much as I want. I have had some problems with time, life and getting it all together. Today my 6-year old told me she is happy that I am not as angry as I use to be and that feels good. I have had a few rough weeks but now but I do feel better now.

Tried and failed on the friday monster

Didn't have any time to do a monster for today this week. I have had too much work and some private issues to deal with. On top of that we have had a painter here to hang some new wallpaper in four rooms and that stole some energy as well.

Today I had a meeting with a teacher about a paper I am writing for next Monday. Only 10 days left made me a bit nervous but I got some extra minutes to do a sketch for a monster. When I came home it was ruined by some water even though it is waterproof ink in the pen I used. So I take it that this will be a monster free week. So this is not a friday monster but just a ruined skech:






Now I have to write my paper about the U.N.s definition of terrorism and how their work changed with 9/11 and how hard it is for 192 countries to compromise and agree on one definition on terrorism. Everybody thinks terrorism is wrong. Nobody agrees on what terrorism is. Fun, interesting but it will take some time. Fortunately I have until next Monday. Or so I thought until I met my teacher who told me it is this Monday in three days we have our deadline. I have some serious reading and writing to do.

Wonderful weekend

I am up at home in Lapland. I don't have a cable with me so I can't share my photos with you. Instead you get a colored drawing of my childhood playhouse. My grandfather Alex built it to my aunt when she was little and now my children are playing in it. Well not now in all the snow but in the summertime.

copyright and stuff

Now I have some copyright on my stuff. If someone want to do anything against the copyright just contact me. I am probably up to anything as long as I can get some personal flattering.

My monsters and other drawings is now under a pretty strict creative commons to save some rights to me.

Another Friday

Sports holiday

I have a few days off and am totally exhausted. I have to little energy left and every time I tries to write something I just get stuck in grammar and nothing gets posted.

Tomorrow I will go up to home-home and enjoy total silence and air so fresh it feels strange to breath.

A few days ago it was a snow sculpturing contest here:






The first one was a beautiful piece named Utopia. What doesn't show on the image is that on one side of the building different people with different sizes are walking in and they came out on a straight line all the same on the other side of the building.

Friday monster

Most monsters have a lot in common.

Friday monster

Already Friday again. I hope you all will have a good weekend. I have a very nice couple of days planned.

How long can a blog-entry be?

The image above has nothing to do with the text below. It is just a little girl (who was eating a semla. Semla is a pastry we eat mainly on fettisdagen/Mardi Gras (Swedish and French for the fat day) the day before Ash Wednesday.


Yesterday I started to more seriously look at what I can do if everything goes according to schedule and I have the grades that qualify me to study at the university. My problem wasn't low grades but not grades enough. I have to finish more high school courses and I will have everything I need by the end of May.

I just browsed through the catalogue and I have no idea what to apply for. I have rather good grades and can choose what I want except for becoming a physician, psychiatrist or physiotherapist. If I wanted to be a ph-something I would have to improve my grades for another year but I am not at all interested in that.

Right now I am thinking of studying history of ideas but theology, philosophy and so many other things seems to be interesting as well. I will take one or two summer courses to learn more about what I want to learn.

But just to choose two summer coarses is impossible for me. This is the list of courses that I really want to take but I can only do two at once so I have until March 15 to decide what to study:

Filosofihistoria - The history of Philosophy
Från vikingar till välfärd:Svensk idéhistoria under tusen år - From Vikings to wellfare: Swedish history of ideas during thousand years
Historia - History
Logik och kritiskt tänkande - Logic and critical thinking
Maktens och motståndets kulturer - The cultures of power and opposition
Människosyn och moral - View of humanity and ethics
Nya religiösa rörelser och nyreligiositet - New religious movements and new religious expressions
Religion och mystik - Religion and mysticism
Allmän anatomi - General anatomy (basic human anatomy)
Freds- och konfliktstudier - Peace and conflict studies
Humanekologi och hållbar utveckling - Human ecology and a sustainable development
Vardagens mysterier förklarade - The everyday mysteries explained
Gruppvägledning - att leda grupper till utveckling - Group counseling - to lead groups to development.
Svåra samtal i professionella möten - Difficult conversations in professional meetings/situations.

Something I will not become when I grow up is a translator but if I am off to wrong on the coarse translations maybe someone can make a comment with more accurate names. Just do not complain on my grammar. I have had way to much of that this week from my English teacher.

That brings me into another subject. Grammar and normality. My English teacher is focusing a lot on grammar and pronunciation. I think that both grammar and pronunciation is good to know because it helps learning to communicate unhindered. But there me and my teacher does not seem to agree. For me language has only one goal - to help with communication. For my teacher, who deeply loves grammar and pronunciation, languages has an end in itself. We have to use British English and preferably RP and there are a thousand rules just to learn for the sake of it. If she was focused on grammar and focused on how good it is to know when we have to write reports in English at the university it would have been one thing, but now she just sigh and tell us how basic our errors are and how this is an advance class. As the coward I still am I just smile but on the inside I sigh an tell her how languages are made to communicate and how good it is that we try and that every time we can connect and interact in a foreign language that is good and grammar and pronunciation is a good way of learning how to interact more smoothly with one and other.

In todays class I did the connection between her attitude towards language and the society's attitude towards normality.

I think that many people when they express them selfs have a image that can be described as normal and because of that normality can be good. But when we turn it over and say that someone should be normal because that is the way people are it just becomes wrong. When my teacher grunt and correct someones comm-I-tment [kə'mĩtmənt] to a correct commitment [kə'mitmənt]. I can understand why it is good to pronounce well but everybody understood him and the next time she asked him a question he just shook his head and stayed quiet.


If I should go back and re-read this and check up the grammar it would probably take me a week or two to post this I would never try to write anything. But I post my entries with my basic (and advanced) grammatical errors, misspellings and bad allusions (I don't even want to try to think on more errors I do in my posts). If I don't write in English I surly will not improve at all and so what if I have the wrong tense? I get to tell my story and most of you understand me just fine.

Well, I now I can't even put words of how I thing her behavior is very alike society's thoughts on normality. But the feeling of someone having to follow the rules just because the rules are there. But neither language nor normality are static. The rules are there to help us understand how language and society works, not to bind us down and make us feel useless.

Lets change subject again. That one never got good enough.

Today me and Noa test drove a Ford and took a quick drive out to the sea (Kvarken) and I took some pictures. Everyone is talking about how very little snow it is this winter but I am just happy there are snow at all after 10 years in a milder climate that just had snow for some weeks every year.

Re-define

When I started to come out many people took my transsexuality well. It seems like it is ok to be a man if I just promise to go all the way and be a butchy mans man. Like gender is binary and crossing those lines is the worse thing a person can do if you don't flip totally and hide out on the other side.

What if I wanted to wear lipstick? I don't at the time but what in the world would be horrible with that? This world needs more diversity not less!

Friday monster

was to tired when I did the coloring and smudged it badly but I hadn't the energy or even will to redo it.

I was sitting drinking a glass of bitter but fair trade coffee latte at the cafe next to the public library at a ugly red table and tried to write a normal post but failed once again. I have some thoughts I am trying to get a grip on to share with you but I am not there just yet.

Got a overwhelmed thinking of you all and I just want to say that I am so very grateful for all the comments you have given my previous posts and given new angles to my thoughts (and/or nice company during times of not that interesting thoughts)

So I fell into the Valentine love theme today and just want to say that I am thinking of you all:



I am very grateful to all the readers but here is a special thanks to some of you:

Calia77: Are you still around? Miss you and hope all is well.
Diana_CT: Interesting but hard to read post on partners to transpeople you had the other day.
Elliot: Love you're new blogger photo, you're so cute.
Eric: I am happy to read about your experience from transgendered Christians. I am in the same place of not being surprised but amazed of what the Lord show me.
Heath: I miss reading your blog. Gimme more! :)
Jacob: Did your back hurt enough or will you join me tomorrow and assure some sever leg pain to enjoy during the weekend?
Jami: Just loved the trans fat comic! Have it om my desktop and still giggle every time I see it.
Jay: Hope you are well, haven't seen you for a while.
Jeanette: Didn't ever thank you for the very kind comment on the post I erased. Your words made me keep posting.
Joe (not the G-one): Don't know much about you but thanks for the comment!
Joe G: I really, really miss Beppe Podcast. Didn't remove my bookmark until last week. Don't you have any respect for us who need you?
Koan: Don't know if you are online at all anymore. Miss your blog. Wish you all the best!
Linderholm: I have a problem with the feed from your blog, I don't get new posts so I have to manually visit your post. If you get 10 hits a day from Umeå I not stalking you, just well, uhm,
almost staling you.
Linster: Love you, miss you, and don't call. Have we heard that before? Hope things are good. It's still strange being at Mimer every day without you.
M: I love your blog. Hope you will post again soon. You write things I need to read so it's just a ego wish I have to read more. Glad you made that comment so I found you.
Malgul: Miss you a lot! *hugs*
Mamma: hope you will come by and see our new home some time. Thanks for all your comments. I am so happy you found the blog!/Hoppas att du kan komma förbi och se vår nya lya någon gång. Tacc
k för alla dina kommentarer. Jag är så glad att du hittade till bloggen!
Maria: look what you have done! If you hadn't given me that Christmas gift wouldn't have started to draw or paint.
Marika82: You and me baby, and a couple of ears, knifes, gnu and brute force. I look forward to your visit :)
Nillo: You are an inspiration and you have broaden my horizon!
Ninja: Got almost sick listening to the evangelist in #87. I was glad to be with you on the trip to Cleveland. :)
Noa: You not only rock, you are my rock!
Olov: I am glad you found me. I will tell my story if you tell me yours... :)
Paul: I'm hope all is well. I still think of you almost every time I drink single malt, and that would be more than once in a while :)
Peterson: You make the world a better place. I cannot find any better thing to say (besides wishing you a great birthday week)
Puck: Lost the link to your blog a while ago and miss it. :(
Scotmagicman: Thanks for your comments! I will come back with a report on the books I bought in november and promised you to talk about when they was read. I forgot it until today when I re-read your comment.
Sloopy: Your comment really made a big impact on me. You are a great example on how sharing burdons can make the life so much more manageable.
Tj: Thinking of you daily! Big hugs to you, Anders and Hannes.
Ull: Thanks for loving the dino, I needed that tonight! (K)
Valorie: You are an inspiration when it comes to share love and compassion. Thanks for your comments!

another monster

Expences

My bookstore has a big shelf with Moleskine notebooks and I did resist the urge to buy one for more than a month. "They are to expensive and you have other paper to paint on" I tried to tell myself. But yesterday I gave in and bought it. Then I just happen to buy a set of water colors. I haven't had good water colors since I moved away from home. And then just a new pen, ooh, they had a special price if I buy four. Great. Maybe a new pencil. I just need a rubber too...

I had a honest feeling that it would be enough there. But no. Today the obvious next step arrived. I had to get a image scanner so I can scan what I draw.

Conclusion: Do not, I repeat: NOT, buy a Moleskine. They come with so many expenses. :)

another nice day

It says that a picture says more than a thousand word. So this is what I have done today:

(if you are not interested in hand crafts and other fun stuff you can at least notice my almost noticable side burns. I can understand that I have gone from 19 to 22-23 in age when people guess how old I am)