Did I want to become a man?
"So you have always wanted to be a guy?" The question is as far as I know inevitable. Almost always I go the easy way and give people the answer they are looking for. "Yes, for as long as I can remember, at least since I was 4" They often nod and says something like "wow" and act surprised even if it is just the answer they where looking for.
What people often want is that things or people outside of the norm still is at least some what predictable. We strive for all our life to minimize the unknown around us. I think it is a profound human thing to do. I do it as well. I know how people react to my standard answers to most questions. So I give the easy ones.
Have I always wanted to be a guy? Absolutely not! Most of my life I have used all my energy trying to be a woman. I have not wanted anything as much as I have wanted to be a woman and stop having my unwanted male identity.
My partner Noa is left-handed. Has he always wanted to be wired that way? Probably not. It is not a big deal but it is rather impractical and it would have been easier to write without smudging with his right. But he is not right-handed even if it seems smarter considering the consequences. He just is. No why or how questions answered he just write better with the left hand.
I did a good job as a woman, most people that knew me then can assure you. Mostly I am the exact same person now as then with just some slightly changes.
A few days ago I did a change that seems major to many. I did my chest surgery after years of binding. For my identity it is not a big change. Personally it is just a way to avoid the physical pain of binding and because the breast only felt in the way and gave me an unnatural feeling hard to explain. My big change was when people I met started to see me as the man I am. As the man I think I was born to be.
When I decided to transition it was not because I wanted to be a man, it was that I had no energy left for trying to be a woman. I know many think I did a splendid job but for me being a man or a woman is something deeper than appearance. I know many that do not feel that they have to be labeled as man nor woman but I am not one of them. I have tried but that is just not who I am.
The last year I have more and more learned that I do not only accept myself as male but like myself. I have more energy then before and learn new things about myself every day. One of the things I still learning is the fine and hard balance between choosing who and what you are and accepting the same. That is not a easy thing. I can choose much in life to some extend but others are forced upon me. I could choose to try to make a carrier in singing and it would go terrible. I can't hold a tune. But I sure have other blessings and pieces that in the end is what is me.
To express myself as male is one piece in my puzzle that seemed so wrong and frightening at first but at the same time inevitable. Now when I have accepted this piece I am more and more happy about it and embrace it but at the same time it is getting a less and less deal for me. When I meet new people (and out my transgendership) my genderhistory always is something that they define by. For me that is not that important. Things I wounder about is the pieces important to me right now. How to be a good (or at least ok) parent, how to live in relationships and even rules regarding derivative and my math class is more central in what defines me at the moment.
Another thing I have learned maybe from being transgendered and so "abnormal" is how both very alike and very different we all are. Just as the Friday monsters most of us share the same fears of being rejected or too odd. At the same time there are so very different situations and dilemmas that scares us. It is both remarkable and beautiful. Diversity is beautiful and enriching but knowledge has to be a part of it. Without knowledge hate and fear grows and we only accept when people answers with the answer we expect them to.
If I would just answer "no" to the next person asking me if I always wanted to be a man it would rise some eyebrows. If I give them the time to explain myself and provide some knowledge the understanding between us would be far better than if I just answered "yes". But if I would just say "no" and not go any further people would probably think I was crazy or lie. Because they "know" what the supposed right answer should be to that question and if I would answer wrong and not explain myself the fear of the unknown would drive us more apart.
Sometimes I would like to have the long and correct answer to all the regular questions in a easy format where people asking the same question for the thousand time could get a clue of who I am. Ohh, wait. Isn't this blog just that? :)
11 comments:
Välkommen hem igen. Hoppas att allt gick bra.
Det är (som alltid) oerhört intressant att läsa dina tankar kring identitet, genus, skapandet av dessa och sambandet dem emellan. Tack för att du vågar vara så personlig.
Vi skulle gärna träffa dig och resten av familjen igen, om tid och lust finns.
Veldig bra skrevet! Jeg føler meg stadig pressa til å svare ja på spørsmålet om jeg alltid har villet være mann. Stort sett prøver jeg å unngå spørsmålet av frykt for å ikke bli tatt alvorlig, ikke få behandling etc. Skal skrive om det på bloggen min. Hvis jeg tør.
Skönt att höra att ni är hemma och att allt gått bra. Har tänkt en hel del på dig dessa dagar!
Så skönt att du är ärlig mot dig själv.
Många kramar till er alla från Hedbom´s
You know, Alex, reading this particular posting, I realized just how much I respect you. You're a terrific man.
jag nickar igenkännande och instämmer i dina funderingar.
för egen del så har jag inte kämpat för att va kvinna,snarare kämpat för att va könlös. men insett att jag inte kan eller vill vinna den kampen. tack för fin läsning
I sure can relate to your questioning of that question. Sure, I told my parents over and over that I wanted to be a boy when I was 5, and acted in stereotypically boyish in a lot of ways (and not in others). But it isn't quite as simple as that. I really never knew what I was doing between the ages of 8-18, because it contained acting female (pretty successful I guess, but I was really uncomfortable), acting oddball (using really weird clothing takes focus away from your body...), and being a rejected weirdo who was weird in every aspect (which of course took focus from my gender or sex). I was neither sure when I was doing things for myself or for the benefit of others, so it was mostly a terrible, confusing mess, which I never want to relive.
You think people would understand that explaination? ;D
I like giving people answers they don't expect sometimes.
When someone says, "How are you?" they seem to wake up if I say, "Actually, it's been a bad day, but it's getting better."
Or when the question is, "Did you feel you had to pretend to love your wife?" my reply is along the lines of, "No, loved her deeply in all ways, but I didn't feel I was able to be as authentic in the relationship with her as I've been in relationships with men."
Not that it's easy. I hear you, Alex, when you speak of sensing what people want to hear. Sometimes I am tired, or tired of explaining myself, or tired of taking the risk of getting a negative reaction.
Maybe you'll find your comfort level growing as you keep telling your story. You've answered the question beautifully here, and I'll bet people will appreciate hearing it.
Take care...
Alex, I so appreciate your Integrity. I like how you take complex issues and allow them to be complex. No need to simplify something just to make others feel they got a satisfactory answer.
I appreciate this post a lot. This one line jumped out at me about my own experience, "The last year I have more and more learned that I do not only accept myself as male but like myself. I have more energy then before and learn new things about myself every day."
I love seeing you become you.
In response to... "I am a transgendered pansexual and a relation revolutionist."
Hi Alex... I found you on the new beyondexgay site which I suppose I need to get my own story on at some point.
I am intrigued by your thoughts and way of life... especially in the sense that I consider myself a non-practicing but curious pansexual and some kind of queerish being. :) I'd love to hear more about what being a "relation revolutionist" means to you.
Best!
Ali(c)
http://www.myspace.com/alitzia
I think people are scared that you're making an irreversible (or close to) change, altering your physical appearance forever, and maybe not always having been sure that this is what you want to do. Change is such a frightening thing, and even if the people I tell about you doesn't even know who you are the mere thought of you taking your life in a whole different direction (even though we know you don't, really) is so upsetting they need reassurance the decision is very well-founded. They don't want you to regret it, and they realize it must be a difficult decision considering the extent of the consequences. Categorizing is one thing, but on some level it might as well be love. On some level.
"Have you always wanted to be a man?"
Possible responses:
"No, this is just something I thought I would try out"
"Not until last week"
Just for fun
*wink
Great blog by the way :)
Monika (from Canada)
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