Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Grown up, grown cynical or just changed.

Today my daughters had a friend over to play. That was the first time they brought home a friend by them self since we moved up here more than 3 months ago. I am happy to learn that they make new friends here at the block. The friend seems nice.

The first thing I did was to go to the kitchen and clean up a bit and then pick up a few things that was lying on the floor. I thought the familiar thought "why is it always a mess at home?" and then I remembered how it was about a year ago. Everything in the sink was from the last meal we ate. Last year I was happy if the sink even was showing under all the mess. Today I picked up 5-10 things from the floor and nothing was left. A year ago 5-10 things wouldn't had made a big difference at all.

It is not that I have a spotless home, not at all. We still have a entire living room filled with junk, cartons, clutter and it is not at all moved into. But the rooms we have moved into is in rather good shape.

But still. When someone came over I got the exact same feeling of messy guilt as I got 1 or 10 years ago. What was normal then is not normal to me now. What is normal to me now was unthinkable to much work with a one-year-old and much less energy.

5 years ago we was conservative Christians starting up a Vineyard Church in a city far, far away. What was normal for me then seems so far away now. If I had known what would come I don't know what I would have done. I think that I would have regarded myself as a transitioned male living in the relation I do as the worst nightmare possible. Now I think of that time as so painful and soul-limiting and spiritually smothering. I feel so much more alive now and it feels like I can breath more freely (not only because I just vacuumed most of the apartment something seldom done back then). I wasn't very mainstream conservative Christian then. I was very annoying saying and doing things people questioned but mostly I questioned everything. I wondered what the Bible said and how to live by it and my leaders gave me good answers for a while and when they didn't have any more answers they just said "good question, lets pray together about that" and I was called prophet and leader because I dared to question as long as I did it in the right way.

Now I ask as many questions but I do not do it in the same way. I question things that we agreed was unquestionable. I am no longer a role model but a heretic and danger. I am someone to keep children away from.

What is it that makes me so dangerous now? Besides from gender and other outside changes I think that the danger mostly is this: I now question how I should live to embrace myself and regard that as a positive thing. 5 years ago "me" and "myself" was almost dirty words. The question had to be how to live by The Word or how to spread the Kingdom, how to save more souls. To focus on me and to feel good was just plain foolishness.

Speak about foolishness...

When I see my children play with their new friend I feel so happy. Why? It is simple, because they seem happy. If they are happy I am happy. I am a parent and of course I enjoy it when they grow and learn new things and get new nice friends. Some times it is a bit more complex but when it comes down to it that is how it is. I can not understand how I thought God would be happy if I did things against my will to please God. I am very happy that life took me here. Even if I surly know much less now than I did 5 years ago. Back then I new a lot and had a opinion on everything. Now I don't , but now I now how to enjoy the days as never before and at the same time at least ever other week have a rather nice apartment at the same time.

(last week I was kitty-sitter for my friends J&J:s cats Ester and Pius. They are about 7 months (I think -- bad kitty-sitter don't remember))



6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Åh så härligt sommarblond du ser ut på bilden! ;-)

Så roligt att tjejerna hittar kompisar. Tea är ju aaaningens liten för sånt än, men jag ser med spänning fram emot den dagen hon själv kommer att välja vänner att ta hem. (Och vad vad VAD gör man om ungen drar hem någon som är fullkomligt gräslig!? Skönt att veta att man har mer erfarna föräldrar omkring sig att fråga om råd...)

Livet har en förmåga att vända upp och ned på det man ansett som "sant" och evigt. Ibland kan jag önska att jag kunde vara mer åt det bokstavstroende hållet, på vissa sätt verkar det enklare. Men samtidigt inser jag ju att det livet både är trängre och svårare, för regler föder regler som föder regler, och till sist är det svårt att röra sig för alla paragrafer.

Jag försöker påminna mig om att kärleken faktiskt är störst, och med den acceptansen och förståelsen.

Allt gott till dig och familjen!

Unknown said...

Good cat-sitter! :) The cats were born Oct 6'th, so they are a little bit more than 6 months old right now.

We don't just have cats, we have an espresso machine as well. Come over for a date with all of us...?

M said...

First of all, congrats on being willing to be true to yourself, that's harder than anything in this world.

Second, in that first picture of the cats, I couldn't decide if they were house cats or wild cats. *laugh* They looked huge.

Nina Johansson said...

Hej! Välkommen till EDM, jag är åxå med där.
Jag har läst jättemycket på din blogg, otroligt intressant, både trosfrågor och dina erfarenheter med att bli man (mer dig själv, som det verkar av ditt skrivande) och andra allmänna tankar å funderingar. Det är sällan man hittar så genuint ärliga och öppenhjärtiga bloggare som vågar dela med sig.
Och en annan intressant grej är att jag tycker mig känna igen vinterbilderna längre ner på bloggen, ser ju precis ut som Fjärdgrund utanför Holmsund? Jag kommer i princip därifrån, fast andra sidan älven. Bor i Stockholm numer.
Hoppas du postar mer teckningar också, den första var jättefin.
Ha det gott!

Anonymous said...

Hey,

I stumbled upon your blog while reading some ex-gay website.

The kitties you were sitting looked really big at first - I thought they were wild cats, too.

Your English is pretty good.
My girlfriend, Piper, and her roommate, Borge, are from Norway, so your language accidents make me smile.

Thank you for being you. You do a service not only to yourself but to the rest of the world.

You are brave.

You are beautiful.

- Casey Lee
(a lesbian and activist)

Alex Resare said...

Thanks for the comments all of you!

tea: blondheten var nog mest en snäll kamera. I själva verket är jag dystert blek efter allt för många lata dagar inomhus.

josefin: I will take you up on that offer more than a couple of times... :)

m: I don't know if I am true to myself but at least I am open to my self about me not knowing anything and that is a good start.

nina: Du har god koll på vyerna. Visst är det Holmsund. Sedan årsskiftet så är vi Umeåbor och det har blivit ett par turer ut till kusten. Vansinnigt vackert både här och var.

Casey Lee: Thank you so much for your comment.