Faliure

Yesterday I got some frustrating news.

In Sweden the equivalent to high school is called gymnasium. I did not graduate the gymnasium in my teens but dropped out. To be able to study at a higher level you have to graduate and get a diploma called slutbetyg - a name an English teacher student I had once translated not to final grade or school-leaving certificate but to slut grade.

The rules surrounding this slutbetyg is complicated and differs if you are young, have finished some high school or non at all. A couple of days ago I heard from another student that a rule I thought I had gotten right actually was different and that I then would not qualify for higher education after this term. So I went to the guidance office to seek some answer and was very relieved to learn that I had got the rule right. For a second or so I felt really good but then she looked closer on my report cards I brought and told me that I missed a required coarse. My last guidance council told me I didn't have to take that coarse but I learned that she probably thought I hadn't any previous high school and I do so the rules force me to take that coarse and now it is to late to do this term so there is no chance of going to the university this fall.

I felt so stupid for not double check the first info I got. If I had known this earlier it wouldn't have been any problem. It is a coarse I wanted to take every term but it never really worked well with my schedule.

The problem for me now is not that I have to take this coarse. The problem is that I completely lost motivation and inspiration to finish this term. I have been on reserve energy for a while and now I just feel empty.

I got a profound sense of worthlessness and meaninglessness I didn't go to todays class even if I really need them. Tomorrow is my first final and I know I will go but I feel like such a failure even in advance so I doubt it will go well. It's the first of two English class finals and it is 90 minutes of essay writing. It will probably result in me writing even less on this blog for a while. The main reason for my infrequent posts here is my English class and getting language "skills" graded. I should focus my energy onto something I do well instead. Unfortunately I haven't found much of that. My talents are above average in much areas but I am not really good at anything.

I detest our school system right now. I am so stupid but the system seems to be even more stupid. I have studied so much and so hard and I scored so high on the högskoleprov, our national university aptitude test and still I can't get in because of a short and irrelevant coarse I will never need for knowledge just for the qualification. It is a science coarse and I will study history and philosophy.

Graduation seems to be for others than me. But I know I will finish it. I have failed enough and I got more than enough of stubborn genes and I will do this. I just have to get the frustration out on something and now it gets to be you.

Mom, don't get worried, I am just sad and frustrated. Many things are very good as well. The spring is coming at last. If you squint you hardly see any ice on the shore in this photo on our Nydalasjön