Lunch break

So I'm on my lunch break from work. Yes! It has been a long time since I had a job more than a few hours here and there so it is sweet to be able to say that: I am on my lunch break.

When I work I sit in my bed with my laptop on my lap and now on my break I sit here in my bed with my laptop on my lap. More specifically my job is at a company called Voxbiblia who sell the Bible on audio files in different ways. Right now I am sitting and cutting files following our Swedish Lectionary.

Noa, my husband also work at Voxbiblia and has recently made a nice little embedded player that I want to try out.



Now my break is over and I will go back to work.

Tinky Winky in trubble again

Polands official spokesperson for children's rights, Ewa Sowinska wants psychologists to examine if Tinky Winky, the purple Teletubbie is gay and should be banned from public television in Poland. Ewa Sowinska had watched Teletubbies and didn't realise he was a boy at first and was very concerned when she understood that it was a boy that carried a handbag. You probably remember the same argumentation from Jerry Falwell many years ago.

From a BBC article:

Ms Sowinska wants the psychologists to make a recommendation about whether the children's show should be broadcast on public television.

Poland's authorities have recently initiated a series of moves to outlaw the promotion of homosexuality among the nation's children.

It is strange that a country can spend so much energy on the wrong things but I think it is even more strange that so many thinks that a handbag makes someone gay. I know a lot of gay men and only one of them have I ever seen carrying a handbag. Men carrying handbags are often transvestites and they are most often heterosexual. As so often the conservatives are not mainly afraid of homosexuality but of non-heteronormality.

Lite på svenska

So here's a post mostly in Swedish. I wrote a fictional letter and I don't think I can translate it to English but I know many of you know Swedish so here it is:

Min älskade

Nu ligger jag nedbäddad i din säng. Jag kommer hit varje dag och låter minnena av dig skölja över mig. Det var länge sedan de sista doftfragmenten av din underbara kropp försvann men jag letar ändå långsamt och noggrant mig fram med slutna ögon och tänker att om jag bara kan känna ett uns av din doft så finns du kvar här hos mig.

Hur kunde jag låta mig bli så hals över huvud förälskad i dig? Förtvivlan över att vi aldrig hann dela våra tankar om tiden innan. Tankarna om varandra under den första tiden tillsammans. Du vet hur man ofta en bit in i relationer går tillbaka och väver ihop minnena från de första stegen tillsammas. När visste du första gången att du var dragen till mig? Visste du redan när jag kom fram till dig den där första gången att jag redan fallit för dig? Visste du någonsin att jag redan innan vi sagt ett ord till varandra hade tappat fotfästet och var bortom all räddning?

Minns du när vi kysstes första gången? Det är klart att du gör. Men vet du hur det var för mig? Jag började tappa hoppet om att någonsin komma dig nära då du böjde dig fram och kysste mig. En stilla kyss, kanske bara ett kort farväl från din sida. Jag är så ledsen att jag aldrig fick berätta för dig hur du fick mig att för ett ögonblick glömma allt annat. Hur det bara var du och jag i hela världen. Inga bekymmer, inga sjukdomar, ingen annan någonstans. Det var bara du och jag kvar i hela världen.

Jag önskar att jag kunde sätta mig ner och berätta hur mycket den kyssen betydde för mig. Av alla ögonblick som byggt mitt liv är det den stunden som jag allra helst minns. I det ögonblicket var allt bara lycka.

Allt stannade upp.
Allt stannade kvar.

I den stunden vad vi de enda som fanns, de enda som räknades. Du var allt för mig och jag tror att jag var allt för dig

Men det är något jag aldrig kommer att få veta. Jag hoppas att du fick veta vad jag tänkte. Jag hoppas att du vet, verkligen vet, hur du stannade upp lela min tid, hela mitt jag. Men jag är rädd att du inte ens anar. Att det inte finns någon eller något som berättar allt det här för dig.

Det finns ingen doft kvar av dig i dag heller. Den här sängen är bara sängen du sov i, inte sängen du finns kvar i.

Min älskade, jag hoppas att jag får kalla dig min älskade. Visste du att jag älskade dig? Eller var vi bara en stund av verklighetsflykt och gemensamma drömmar för dig? När du kysste mig den första gången, kände du då också att hela världen stannade eller fyllde världen dig med skam och skuld över den börda du la på mig? Trodde du att du kunde välja om jag skulle älska dig eller inte? Trodde du att du la ditt ok på mig?

Min älskade, om jag har en önskan i mitt liv så är det att du får veta, verkligen veta, att det du gett mig var allt igenom min gläde att bära. Ingenting av det du lagt på mig var en börda. Om allt jag fått av dig var en kyss vore jag för evig tid glad. Nu fick jag oändligt mycket mer och varje dag är en dag då jag tackar gudarna att jag fick träffa dig.

När jag var barn berättade min farfar de mest fantastiska historier om tiden före vår, när magiska varelser härskade på vår jord och alla sagorna skrevs ner. Jag trodde att sagornas tid var förbi, att allt i vår tid var utan magi. Skulle inte varje väsen från alla tider avundas oss, alla tidigare historier blekna när vår blev berättad?

Den första kyssen du gav mig innan vår resa formade allt det jag är. Resten av vår saga gav oss mig alla nyanser till den tavla som nu är vårt liv. Du och jag. Allt något så stort kan vara så kort.

Varken du eller jag var perfekta. Ändå blev vi tillsammans det vackraste som någonsin funnits. Det som för evig tid kommer att eka mellan bergen. Sagan som alltid lever kvar.

Vi trodde båda att livet var över, vi trodde båda att allt var stora var för andra. Men det vi fick var den största av skatter. Att två liv kan få vävas ihop så nära, att två liv faktiskt kan bli ett. Det måste vara den största gåvan någonsin given samtidigt det som nu förbannat mig till att för evig tid vara halv.

Att ligga i dina armar och veta att jag var för evigt trygg. Att känna mig helt säker, helt trygg och allt igenom hel. Det var mer än jag någonsin kan önska.

När du låg där i min famn och hela världen var vår, när plötsligt en tår föll ner för din kind och landade på mitt bröst. Visst ville jag för alltid stanna kvar i min dröm men att få möta verkligheten med dig var en större smärta än jag kunde bära men samtidigt mer ljuvt än allt jag tidigare drömt om.

Jag önskar att du finns där ute och fått höra hur ren och klar min kärlek för dig var i ögonblicket då du berättade för mig. Jag minns med smärta den tystnad och den sorg jag kanske visade. Min vän. Min tystnad och stillhet var inte i på något sätt skapad av besvikelse. Den tid vi fick tillsammans fick aldrig smaka ett ögonblick av besvikelse.

Jag borde ha lyft upp dig i en virveldans, kysst dig och berättat högt och klart att jag var din. Men trots att jag bara låg där stilla och tyst fick jag vara din tills all din tid var slut. Min vän, min värld, mitt allt. Att våra dagar inte ens hann bli räknade. Att din tid redan var slut. Att jag ligger här och letar fragment av din doft i den säng där vår saga fick sitt slut. Att den sjukdom redan ägde allt so var du. Allt detta innan vi knappt fick börja vårt liv tillsammans.

Nu är du borta och jag ligger här. Med papper och penna du lämnat mig skriver jag ett brev som du aldrig kan läsa. Du och jag hade allt. Kanske var det därför vi aldrig kunde bli mer. Det var rätt redan från början. Nu ligger jag här i din säng som bara bär doften av mig och min desperata längtan efter mer av dig. Du är för alltid borta och jag är för evigt bara halv.

Make adverbs, not jokes

Last week I had a English class lead by a very nervous teachers student. He held a lesson on how to make adjectives into adverbs. Many if not everyone of us students had heard about this several times before but he was to nervous to notice that. In the end of the lesson we got a few adjectives to make adverbs out of by our selves for a few minutes and then he questioned us how we did. Still very nervous he didn't hear what we were answering and asked the same question over and over again.

Actual excerpt:

Teacher: If the adjective is hard, what is the adverb?
Me: Hard.
Teacher didn't hear me and continued: Did anybody write hardly?
Me: Hardly...
Teacher: But that is wrong Alex, the adjective is hard. Does anybody know what hardly means?
Me: Hardly.
Teacher: Yes, do you know what hardly mean?
Me: Hardly.
Teacher: Yes, do you know what it means?
Me: Almost not at all. I barely have an idea of what it means.

Teacher explains it in Swedish since he is sure I don't know.

Teacher: Can anyone make a adverb out of sarcastic?
Me: Sarcastically I can't.
Teacher: What?
Me: Sarcastically...
Teacher: That is correct, great Alex.

And so the lesson went on.

I am glad my term is coming to an end. I have just gotten a great job and might not be coming back to school this fall. But that is another post.

Spring-time happiness or just another post.

So right about now the fabulous mr Peterson Toscano is performing a stand-up performance in my town and I am sitting here at home missing out on it. Strangely that feels rather good. The reason why Im here and not there is because I have three kids I get to spend the evening with. Right now I am listening to Rufus Wainwrights new album Release the Stars and as soon as the kids are asleep I will watch a episode of one of my favorite TV-show with a glass of wine left over from the dinner we had yesterday with the whole apartment filled with people I like and love. No, I am not even close to complaining I just feel blessed.

I know I haven't been writing much here lately. That is mostly because my life has been crazy busy with the end of my term. My last final is tomorrow and than things might be slowing down. Another reason I am not writing as much is that much of what Im thinking about is on a personal level and I don't really know where I stand and then it can be even more confusing to write about it and share it with others.

Yesterday I finished my utredning/inqury that is obligatory to make a legal sex change in Sweden. I finished all of it except for this last step last spring and now I am finally finished with all of it. Now it is mostly waiting left. And a thousand other things. But it is a huge step and relief to be where I am now.

I have a thousand wishes regarding how my life could improve but at the same time I am so happy to be where I am now. More and more often I get the priceless feeling that I am just the person I should be right in the place I should be in.

Faliure

Yesterday I got some frustrating news.

In Sweden the equivalent to high school is called gymnasium. I did not graduate the gymnasium in my teens but dropped out. To be able to study at a higher level you have to graduate and get a diploma called slutbetyg - a name an English teacher student I had once translated not to final grade or school-leaving certificate but to slut grade.

The rules surrounding this slutbetyg is complicated and differs if you are young, have finished some high school or non at all. A couple of days ago I heard from another student that a rule I thought I had gotten right actually was different and that I then would not qualify for higher education after this term. So I went to the guidance office to seek some answer and was very relieved to learn that I had got the rule right. For a second or so I felt really good but then she looked closer on my report cards I brought and told me that I missed a required coarse. My last guidance council told me I didn't have to take that coarse but I learned that she probably thought I hadn't any previous high school and I do so the rules force me to take that coarse and now it is to late to do this term so there is no chance of going to the university this fall.

I felt so stupid for not double check the first info I got. If I had known this earlier it wouldn't have been any problem. It is a coarse I wanted to take every term but it never really worked well with my schedule.

The problem for me now is not that I have to take this coarse. The problem is that I completely lost motivation and inspiration to finish this term. I have been on reserve energy for a while and now I just feel empty.

I got a profound sense of worthlessness and meaninglessness I didn't go to todays class even if I really need them. Tomorrow is my first final and I know I will go but I feel like such a failure even in advance so I doubt it will go well. It's the first of two English class finals and it is 90 minutes of essay writing. It will probably result in me writing even less on this blog for a while. The main reason for my infrequent posts here is my English class and getting language "skills" graded. I should focus my energy onto something I do well instead. Unfortunately I haven't found much of that. My talents are above average in much areas but I am not really good at anything.

I detest our school system right now. I am so stupid but the system seems to be even more stupid. I have studied so much and so hard and I scored so high on the högskoleprov, our national university aptitude test and still I can't get in because of a short and irrelevant coarse I will never need for knowledge just for the qualification. It is a science coarse and I will study history and philosophy.

Graduation seems to be for others than me. But I know I will finish it. I have failed enough and I got more than enough of stubborn genes and I will do this. I just have to get the frustration out on something and now it gets to be you.

Mom, don't get worried, I am just sad and frustrated. Many things are very good as well. The spring is coming at last. If you squint you hardly see any ice on the shore in this photo on our Nydalasjön

Grown up, grown cynical or just changed.

Today my daughters had a friend over to play. That was the first time they brought home a friend by them self since we moved up here more than 3 months ago. I am happy to learn that they make new friends here at the block. The friend seems nice.

The first thing I did was to go to the kitchen and clean up a bit and then pick up a few things that was lying on the floor. I thought the familiar thought "why is it always a mess at home?" and then I remembered how it was about a year ago. Everything in the sink was from the last meal we ate. Last year I was happy if the sink even was showing under all the mess. Today I picked up 5-10 things from the floor and nothing was left. A year ago 5-10 things wouldn't had made a big difference at all.

It is not that I have a spotless home, not at all. We still have a entire living room filled with junk, cartons, clutter and it is not at all moved into. But the rooms we have moved into is in rather good shape.

But still. When someone came over I got the exact same feeling of messy guilt as I got 1 or 10 years ago. What was normal then is not normal to me now. What is normal to me now was unthinkable to much work with a one-year-old and much less energy.

5 years ago we was conservative Christians starting up a Vineyard Church in a city far, far away. What was normal for me then seems so far away now. If I had known what would come I don't know what I would have done. I think that I would have regarded myself as a transitioned male living in the relation I do as the worst nightmare possible. Now I think of that time as so painful and soul-limiting and spiritually smothering. I feel so much more alive now and it feels like I can breath more freely (not only because I just vacuumed most of the apartment something seldom done back then). I wasn't very mainstream conservative Christian then. I was very annoying saying and doing things people questioned but mostly I questioned everything. I wondered what the Bible said and how to live by it and my leaders gave me good answers for a while and when they didn't have any more answers they just said "good question, lets pray together about that" and I was called prophet and leader because I dared to question as long as I did it in the right way.

Now I ask as many questions but I do not do it in the same way. I question things that we agreed was unquestionable. I am no longer a role model but a heretic and danger. I am someone to keep children away from.

What is it that makes me so dangerous now? Besides from gender and other outside changes I think that the danger mostly is this: I now question how I should live to embrace myself and regard that as a positive thing. 5 years ago "me" and "myself" was almost dirty words. The question had to be how to live by The Word or how to spread the Kingdom, how to save more souls. To focus on me and to feel good was just plain foolishness.

Speak about foolishness...

When I see my children play with their new friend I feel so happy. Why? It is simple, because they seem happy. If they are happy I am happy. I am a parent and of course I enjoy it when they grow and learn new things and get new nice friends. Some times it is a bit more complex but when it comes down to it that is how it is. I can not understand how I thought God would be happy if I did things against my will to please God. I am very happy that life took me here. Even if I surly know much less now than I did 5 years ago. Back then I new a lot and had a opinion on everything. Now I don't , but now I now how to enjoy the days as never before and at the same time at least ever other week have a rather nice apartment at the same time.

(last week I was kitty-sitter for my friends J&J:s cats Ester and Pius. They are about 7 months (I think -- bad kitty-sitter don't remember))

My first EDM challenge

This is my first contribution to the weekly EDM challenge. A community I got interested in by my sister who have done several EDM challenges and have them on her blog Depict.

EDM #114 "Draw something ugly that you love for it's sentimental value,
journal about the object."

It is also the first time I use a dip pen and ink instead of regular pens.

Patient

So I had surgery 10 days ago. Nothing major and nothing minor. Or maybe both major and minor. The OR was cancelled 13 hours before I was supposed to check myself in. Besides the immediate frustration to get a phone call canceling something I just drove 500 miles to do I was disapointed on a deeper level and I felt really broken. I have waited for almost two years to get this chest surgery and I have always told myself it is no big deal but just practical to get it done so I don't have to care about binders and stuff. But when I got the call telling me it was canceled I got beyond sad and maybe close to mad. But magic happened and I got my surgery. It went fine and the first day was tough pain wise but now I have no pain left. I am just tired and the scars itch as it heals.

Just one tiny complication. One of my nipples doesn't get what it wants and is a bit cranky. I have been to the ER three times the last three days and had several phone calls and now most people involved agrees that it is no infection and just bad circulation and hopefully rest of my body can share some blood and the tissue can start to heal. It is a very different feeling to look down on a body part and see how it turnes blue, purple and now black just hoping that something good will happen and that it will not die and fall off. I have some good blood, why can't I force my body to just share some more with the nipple? It is so easy to think that you are in charge of your body. This is my body I decide where the blood goes! If it wasn't ice on every lake I would seriously go looking for leeches. I am not good at just sitting and waiting to see if pieces of me will heal or fall off.

Tomorrow morning the eastern weekend is over and I will contact the plastic surgery clinic at the huge local teaching hospital and I hope that the step from ER:s to regular wards at regular hours get more rewarding comments than "that looks bad but there's nothing we can do". But mostly happy I don't have any pain. I feel free and n the right track. To annoy any (every) American trans person I can tell you that the total cost for my surgery, the three er-consultations and the many phone-calls up till now have reached a total of 0 kr. That is about $0 in your currency. The bright side of our almost socialism. Well I have spent some money on gas to get to the hospitals and the same almost socialism makes the gas cost more than twice as much here. To be fair I have spent 300-400 kr/~$50 on antibiotics and Panodil/Panadol. But now I have reached the limit for how much I have to pay on prescribed medications this year. Free health care for everyone is better than good.

Now I have to post this and jump in the shower. The kids and I have eastern break for a week and now when the clock has turned 8.50 am they think I am almost evil not having done anything funny yet. Not to mention how deeply unjust it is that the store we have plans on going to not opens before 10. How on earth could my offspring become early birds?

Did I want to become a man?

"So you have always wanted to be a guy?" The question is as far as I know inevitable. Almost always I go the easy way and give people the answer they are looking for. "Yes, for as long as I can remember, at least since I was 4" They often nod and says something like "wow" and act surprised even if it is just the answer they where looking for.

What people often want is that things or people outside of the norm still is at least some what predictable. We strive for all our life to minimize the unknown around us. I think it is a profound human thing to do. I do it as well. I know how people react to my standard answers to most questions. So I give the easy ones.

Have I always wanted to be a guy? Absolutely not! Most of my life I have used all my energy trying to be a woman. I have not wanted anything as much as I have wanted to be a woman and stop having my unwanted male identity.

My partner Noa is left-handed. Has he always wanted to be wired that way? Probably not. It is not a big deal but it is rather impractical and it would have been easier to write without smudging with his right. But he is not right-handed even if it seems smarter considering the consequences. He just is. No why or how questions answered he just write better with the left hand.

I did a good job as a woman, most people that knew me then can assure you. Mostly I am the exact same person now as then with just some slightly changes.

A few days ago I did a change that seems major to many. I did my chest surgery after years of binding. For my identity it is not a big change. Personally it is just a way to avoid the physical pain of binding and because the breast only felt in the way and gave me an unnatural feeling hard to explain. My big change was when people I met started to see me as the man I am. As the man I think I was born to be.

When I decided to transition it was not because I wanted to be a man, it was that I had no energy left for trying to be a woman. I know many think I did a splendid job but for me being a man or a woman is something deeper than appearance. I know many that do not feel that they have to be labeled as man nor woman but I am not one of them. I have tried but that is just not who I am.

The last year I have more and more learned that I do not only accept myself as male but like myself. I have more energy then before and learn new things about myself every day. One of the things I still learning is the fine and hard balance between choosing who and what you are and accepting the same. That is not a easy thing. I can choose much in life to some extend but others are forced upon me. I could choose to try to make a carrier in singing and it would go terrible. I can't hold a tune. But I sure have other blessings and pieces that in the end is what is me.

To express myself as male is one piece in my puzzle that seemed so wrong and frightening at first but at the same time inevitable. Now when I have accepted this piece I am more and more happy about it and embrace it but at the same time it is getting a less and less deal for me. When I meet new people (and out my transgendership) my genderhistory always is something that they define by. For me that is not that important. Things I wounder about is the pieces important to me right now. How to be a good (or at least ok) parent, how to live in relationships and even rules regarding derivative and my math class is more central in what defines me at the moment.

Another thing I have learned maybe from being transgendered and so "abnormal" is how both very alike and very different we all are. Just as the Friday monsters most of us share the same fears of being rejected or too odd. At the same time there are so very different situations and dilemmas that scares us. It is both remarkable and beautiful. Diversity is beautiful and enriching but knowledge has to be a part of it. Without knowledge hate and fear grows and we only accept when people answers with the answer we expect them to.

If I would just answer "no" to the next person asking me if I always wanted to be a man it would rise some eyebrows. If I give them the time to explain myself and provide some knowledge the understanding between us would be far better than if I just answered "yes". But if I would just say "no" and not go any further people would probably think I was crazy or lie. Because they "know" what the supposed right answer should be to that question and if I would answer wrong and not explain myself the fear of the unknown would drive us more apart.

Sometimes I would like to have the long and correct answer to all the regular questions in a easy format where people asking the same question for the thousand time could get a clue of who I am. Ohh, wait. Isn't this blog just that? :)

Exhausted

When I woke up today I had an e-mail waiting from my social studies teacher telling me no major corrections had to be made in my paper about UN and terrorism that was due to day at noon. So I did a few changes and handed it in more than an hour before deadline. 14 pages and I was totally exhausted. Not the best of times to be tired because not even two hours later I had the incredibly fun honor to have a class of teacher students at the university forced to listen to me for over two and a half hour. It was a requirement for them to be there and they was a bit negative at the beginning but at the end the questions came flowing and I had no chance to answer them all in just a few hours. But I feel rather drained now. I sat down for a minute and planned to do two lab reports to my science class (deadline tomorrow morning 9 a.m). But instead I had to do something with my hands and I feel to tired to paint so I sew curtains to the kids playroom. Very cute green fabric with spiders which made the kids force me to sing Itsy Bitsy Spider 50 times altering between English and Swedish.

Tomorrow morning I have to be up by 6.30 to write that lab reports and Wednesday I first have a vocabulary test for two hours followed by a oral presentation of my terrorism paper.

I will sleep very well this weekend!

Next week I will be out of town for a while. I will undergo some surgery on Tuesday and any prayers, thoughts and/or good vibrations will be appreciated. I am sorry for not posting as much as I want. I have had some problems with time, life and getting it all together. Today my 6-year old told me she is happy that I am not as angry as I use to be and that feels good. I have had a few rough weeks but now but I do feel better now.

Tried and failed on the friday monster

Didn't have any time to do a monster for today this week. I have had too much work and some private issues to deal with. On top of that we have had a painter here to hang some new wallpaper in four rooms and that stole some energy as well.

Today I had a meeting with a teacher about a paper I am writing for next Monday. Only 10 days left made me a bit nervous but I got some extra minutes to do a sketch for a monster. When I came home it was ruined by some water even though it is waterproof ink in the pen I used. So I take it that this will be a monster free week. So this is not a friday monster but just a ruined skech:






Now I have to write my paper about the U.N.s definition of terrorism and how their work changed with 9/11 and how hard it is for 192 countries to compromise and agree on one definition on terrorism. Everybody thinks terrorism is wrong. Nobody agrees on what terrorism is. Fun, interesting but it will take some time. Fortunately I have until next Monday. Or so I thought until I met my teacher who told me it is this Monday in three days we have our deadline. I have some serious reading and writing to do.

Wonderful weekend

I am up at home in Lapland. I don't have a cable with me so I can't share my photos with you. Instead you get a colored drawing of my childhood playhouse. My grandfather Alex built it to my aunt when she was little and now my children are playing in it. Well not now in all the snow but in the summertime.

copyright and stuff

Now I have some copyright on my stuff. If someone want to do anything against the copyright just contact me. I am probably up to anything as long as I can get some personal flattering.

My monsters and other drawings is now under a pretty strict creative commons to save some rights to me.

Another Friday

Sports holiday

I have a few days off and am totally exhausted. I have to little energy left and every time I tries to write something I just get stuck in grammar and nothing gets posted.

Tomorrow I will go up to home-home and enjoy total silence and air so fresh it feels strange to breath.

A few days ago it was a snow sculpturing contest here:






The first one was a beautiful piece named Utopia. What doesn't show on the image is that on one side of the building different people with different sizes are walking in and they came out on a straight line all the same on the other side of the building.

Friday monster

Most monsters have a lot in common.

Friday monster

Already Friday again. I hope you all will have a good weekend. I have a very nice couple of days planned.

How long can a blog-entry be?

The image above has nothing to do with the text below. It is just a little girl (who was eating a semla. Semla is a pastry we eat mainly on fettisdagen/Mardi Gras (Swedish and French for the fat day) the day before Ash Wednesday.


Yesterday I started to more seriously look at what I can do if everything goes according to schedule and I have the grades that qualify me to study at the university. My problem wasn't low grades but not grades enough. I have to finish more high school courses and I will have everything I need by the end of May.

I just browsed through the catalogue and I have no idea what to apply for. I have rather good grades and can choose what I want except for becoming a physician, psychiatrist or physiotherapist. If I wanted to be a ph-something I would have to improve my grades for another year but I am not at all interested in that.

Right now I am thinking of studying history of ideas but theology, philosophy and so many other things seems to be interesting as well. I will take one or two summer courses to learn more about what I want to learn.

But just to choose two summer coarses is impossible for me. This is the list of courses that I really want to take but I can only do two at once so I have until March 15 to decide what to study:

Filosofihistoria - The history of Philosophy
Från vikingar till välfärd:Svensk idéhistoria under tusen år - From Vikings to wellfare: Swedish history of ideas during thousand years
Historia - History
Logik och kritiskt tänkande - Logic and critical thinking
Maktens och motståndets kulturer - The cultures of power and opposition
Människosyn och moral - View of humanity and ethics
Nya religiösa rörelser och nyreligiositet - New religious movements and new religious expressions
Religion och mystik - Religion and mysticism
Allmän anatomi - General anatomy (basic human anatomy)
Freds- och konfliktstudier - Peace and conflict studies
Humanekologi och hållbar utveckling - Human ecology and a sustainable development
Vardagens mysterier förklarade - The everyday mysteries explained
Gruppvägledning - att leda grupper till utveckling - Group counseling - to lead groups to development.
Svåra samtal i professionella möten - Difficult conversations in professional meetings/situations.

Something I will not become when I grow up is a translator but if I am off to wrong on the coarse translations maybe someone can make a comment with more accurate names. Just do not complain on my grammar. I have had way to much of that this week from my English teacher.

That brings me into another subject. Grammar and normality. My English teacher is focusing a lot on grammar and pronunciation. I think that both grammar and pronunciation is good to know because it helps learning to communicate unhindered. But there me and my teacher does not seem to agree. For me language has only one goal - to help with communication. For my teacher, who deeply loves grammar and pronunciation, languages has an end in itself. We have to use British English and preferably RP and there are a thousand rules just to learn for the sake of it. If she was focused on grammar and focused on how good it is to know when we have to write reports in English at the university it would have been one thing, but now she just sigh and tell us how basic our errors are and how this is an advance class. As the coward I still am I just smile but on the inside I sigh an tell her how languages are made to communicate and how good it is that we try and that every time we can connect and interact in a foreign language that is good and grammar and pronunciation is a good way of learning how to interact more smoothly with one and other.

In todays class I did the connection between her attitude towards language and the society's attitude towards normality.

I think that many people when they express them selfs have a image that can be described as normal and because of that normality can be good. But when we turn it over and say that someone should be normal because that is the way people are it just becomes wrong. When my teacher grunt and correct someones comm-I-tment [kə'mĩtmənt] to a correct commitment [kə'mitmənt]. I can understand why it is good to pronounce well but everybody understood him and the next time she asked him a question he just shook his head and stayed quiet.


If I should go back and re-read this and check up the grammar it would probably take me a week or two to post this I would never try to write anything. But I post my entries with my basic (and advanced) grammatical errors, misspellings and bad allusions (I don't even want to try to think on more errors I do in my posts). If I don't write in English I surly will not improve at all and so what if I have the wrong tense? I get to tell my story and most of you understand me just fine.

Well, I now I can't even put words of how I thing her behavior is very alike society's thoughts on normality. But the feeling of someone having to follow the rules just because the rules are there. But neither language nor normality are static. The rules are there to help us understand how language and society works, not to bind us down and make us feel useless.

Lets change subject again. That one never got good enough.

Today me and Noa test drove a Ford and took a quick drive out to the sea (Kvarken) and I took some pictures. Everyone is talking about how very little snow it is this winter but I am just happy there are snow at all after 10 years in a milder climate that just had snow for some weeks every year.

Re-define

When I started to come out many people took my transsexuality well. It seems like it is ok to be a man if I just promise to go all the way and be a butchy mans man. Like gender is binary and crossing those lines is the worse thing a person can do if you don't flip totally and hide out on the other side.

What if I wanted to wear lipstick? I don't at the time but what in the world would be horrible with that? This world needs more diversity not less!

Friday monster

was to tired when I did the coloring and smudged it badly but I hadn't the energy or even will to redo it.

I was sitting drinking a glass of bitter but fair trade coffee latte at the cafe next to the public library at a ugly red table and tried to write a normal post but failed once again. I have some thoughts I am trying to get a grip on to share with you but I am not there just yet.

Got a overwhelmed thinking of you all and I just want to say that I am so very grateful for all the comments you have given my previous posts and given new angles to my thoughts (and/or nice company during times of not that interesting thoughts)

So I fell into the Valentine love theme today and just want to say that I am thinking of you all:



I am very grateful to all the readers but here is a special thanks to some of you:

Calia77: Are you still around? Miss you and hope all is well.
Diana_CT: Interesting but hard to read post on partners to transpeople you had the other day.
Elliot: Love you're new blogger photo, you're so cute.
Eric: I am happy to read about your experience from transgendered Christians. I am in the same place of not being surprised but amazed of what the Lord show me.
Heath: I miss reading your blog. Gimme more! :)
Jacob: Did your back hurt enough or will you join me tomorrow and assure some sever leg pain to enjoy during the weekend?
Jami: Just loved the trans fat comic! Have it om my desktop and still giggle every time I see it.
Jay: Hope you are well, haven't seen you for a while.
Jeanette: Didn't ever thank you for the very kind comment on the post I erased. Your words made me keep posting.
Joe (not the G-one): Don't know much about you but thanks for the comment!
Joe G: I really, really miss Beppe Podcast. Didn't remove my bookmark until last week. Don't you have any respect for us who need you?
Koan: Don't know if you are online at all anymore. Miss your blog. Wish you all the best!
Linderholm: I have a problem with the feed from your blog, I don't get new posts so I have to manually visit your post. If you get 10 hits a day from Umeå I not stalking you, just well, uhm,
almost staling you.
Linster: Love you, miss you, and don't call. Have we heard that before? Hope things are good. It's still strange being at Mimer every day without you.
M: I love your blog. Hope you will post again soon. You write things I need to read so it's just a ego wish I have to read more. Glad you made that comment so I found you.
Malgul: Miss you a lot! *hugs*
Mamma: hope you will come by and see our new home some time. Thanks for all your comments. I am so happy you found the blog!/Hoppas att du kan komma förbi och se vår nya lya någon gång. Tacc
k för alla dina kommentarer. Jag är så glad att du hittade till bloggen!
Maria: look what you have done! If you hadn't given me that Christmas gift wouldn't have started to draw or paint.
Marika82: You and me baby, and a couple of ears, knifes, gnu and brute force. I look forward to your visit :)
Nillo: You are an inspiration and you have broaden my horizon!
Ninja: Got almost sick listening to the evangelist in #87. I was glad to be with you on the trip to Cleveland. :)
Noa: You not only rock, you are my rock!
Olov: I am glad you found me. I will tell my story if you tell me yours... :)
Paul: I'm hope all is well. I still think of you almost every time I drink single malt, and that would be more than once in a while :)
Peterson: You make the world a better place. I cannot find any better thing to say (besides wishing you a great birthday week)
Puck: Lost the link to your blog a while ago and miss it. :(
Scotmagicman: Thanks for your comments! I will come back with a report on the books I bought in november and promised you to talk about when they was read. I forgot it until today when I re-read your comment.
Sloopy: Your comment really made a big impact on me. You are a great example on how sharing burdons can make the life so much more manageable.
Tj: Thinking of you daily! Big hugs to you, Anders and Hannes.
Ull: Thanks for loving the dino, I needed that tonight! (K)
Valorie: You are an inspiration when it comes to share love and compassion. Thanks for your comments!

another monster

Expences

My bookstore has a big shelf with Moleskine notebooks and I did resist the urge to buy one for more than a month. "They are to expensive and you have other paper to paint on" I tried to tell myself. But yesterday I gave in and bought it. Then I just happen to buy a set of water colors. I haven't had good water colors since I moved away from home. And then just a new pen, ooh, they had a special price if I buy four. Great. Maybe a new pencil. I just need a rubber too...

I had a honest feeling that it would be enough there. But no. Today the obvious next step arrived. I had to get a image scanner so I can scan what I draw.

Conclusion: Do not, I repeat: NOT, buy a Moleskine. They come with so many expenses. :)

another nice day

It says that a picture says more than a thousand word. So this is what I have done today:

(if you are not interested in hand crafts and other fun stuff you can at least notice my almost noticable side burns. I can understand that I have gone from 19 to 22-23 in age when people guess how old I am)

Had a nice day

So I spent the day as a living book. I went there with the mind set of changing others and came there changed myself. Love it when that happens.

Besides me there was a girl with CP, a Kurd, a Policewoman, a female preist, a former criminal and drug addict, a Sami, a muslim woman from Somalia, a person on longterm sick leave, a animal rights activist, a lesbian and a white middelaged man.

Can you imagen a more fun group of people to spend almost 6 hours with? It was interesting to meet peoples prejudices when we got borrowed but to sit down and talk with the other books about their life and the prejudices they meet was so fun!

I am already booked as a book for next years living book project.

I have learned so much today.

Now I have to go and eat some real food. I have had russian, ethiopian, finnish and asian fikas. You don't have a good word for having a coffee or tea break with something sweet to it so you can have our fika. But still no proper food.

Want to borrow a living book or 12?

On Saturday on a event called Midvinterfestival (Mid winter festival (did you really need to read the translation for that?!)), a public library is giving the citizens here in Umeå the chance to borrow another citizen. Yes, up for lending is 12 people. You can borrow one of them for 45 min and you get to sit down and chat with someone often biased. The event is the 2nd annual "Borrow a prejudice - and get rid of it" The 12 persons you can lend is a Kurd, a lesbian, a female priest, a imam, a person with CP, a policeman, a animal rights activist, a former addict and criminal, a Sami, a muslim woman from Somalia, a middle aged white heterosexual man and last a transsexual man. They are called living books and the meaning of the arrangement is to help people not to judge a book by its cover.

The event was a big success last year and the borrowers specifically asked for transpersons when asked what could make the happening better for next year. So now they have a transsexual man and the other new books are the animal rights activist and the white man.

It will be very interesting. I'll probably report more about it on Saturday evening.

Serenity

So I have given you peaces of my darker sides. I want to give you some parts of me that is more representative to what I think about. I still have dark days, and probably will have for the rest of my life. But I want to compensate with more of the daily me.

I can't begin to tell you how many times I have decided to stop being a Christian.

When I was 6 years old I got baptized in my Pentecostal Church. I was a bit younger then most people was when they was baptized. I had heard someone talk about how the will to be baptized was planted as a seed by the Holy Spirit and I wanted some prof that I was truly Christian so I told my parents that I wanted to be baptized.

After a submersion in cold water in the chapel besides the home of my childhood I stood in front of the parish and sang a song called "Jag har beslutat att följa Jesus"/"I have decided to follow Jesus". I remember how I asked what "beslutat"/decided meant. It is a word more like determine in swedish but means roughly the same. I remember how I felt that I didn't mean what I sang. I hadn't decided to follow Jesus. I had always been a Christian. It felt like saying that I had chosen to be my parents child. It was just the way it was. It felt particularly weird to sing "och aldrig mer tillbaka gå"/"no turning back, no turning back" (or literally "and never again turn back" (or if you want the swedish word by word, "and never more back go" well, back to the point)). Turn back to what? Not being baptized but still believe in Jesus? Well. I sang the song and was very happy to officially be in the family of Christ.

During the years I have tried to choose not to be a Christian. Because I never found grace I have to many times viewed my faith as something that almost me and I just had to be Christian because I didn't want to burn forever. But even if I did decide to stop being a Christian I have never felt like it worked for longer than until I fell a sleep. A few hours went OK but with a good nights sleep I always woke up and prayed and didn't remember I didn't believe in that and I accepted that my faith was still there.

A couple of years ago when I accepted fully that I am transsexual and always will have this glitch between body and mind if I don't change my body, I assumed God hated all transpeople that gave in to who they where. When I came to the point where I cried to God and said that I was truly sorry for being this way but that I still was the way I am and that I couldn't change and that I hope God could make me different before I died so I could be welcomed again. Like a sort of sabbatical leave for most of my lifetime and then God would come and re-save me at the autumn of my life.

For the first time I felt peace and I felt a very strong feeling of presence and for the first time I felt sure that God loved me no matter what.

When I came out to my parents i.e. my mom I had the same feeling. I was heartbroken and sure that it would be the beginning of the end of our relationship. When I came out I surely gave her a big chock but since then I have learned that both my parents truly loved me. Unfortunately I didn't know that earlier but it wasn't until I came to the crossing point and said "this is me and you have to take it or leave it" I finally could understand that I was loved. Both by my parents and by God.

I have always found the "take it or leave it"-mentality to be annoying and egoistic. But for me it turned out to be essential. I started this blog in the same spirit and what it has given me is not only new friends from around the world but also a much better contact with my relatives.

It can seem to self centered to focus as much as I do on myself and give in to my fallen nature. But since I started I have grown not only as a person but on every level and mostly spiritual. For the first time in my life I feel certain that I will forever be a Christian, not only because I don't know how to unChristianize myself but because it is the part of me I like the most and without it I wouldn't be me. It's the light of my life and I finally understand what Jesus talked about in John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." Even if I seem troubled and afraid I have a deeper knowledge than I had before I accepted myself that I am not only accepted, but loved because of who I am.

What is a poem?

So in English class we got to work with the homework in small groups. One assignment was to make a poem out of some of the words in the very long list I posted previously. We were allowed to use some additional words for it to make sense.

I used half of our words and wrote

disaproval at your disposal
emphasize various and regular insults
frequently clenched fists
never recall
just assume


I thought I had written a poem. Of course I would have written otherwise if I hadn't been limited in my choices of what word to write. But I think it has a meaning. But for the first time in a while I just got laugther back at me. Well, I did my homework and will surly never read another poem in that class. I will keep them for myself as usual.

Then we got more homework, so now I have to go back to that.

I am sitting at my library. With my I refer to the central public library of Umeå.

When I moved away from home a few days after my not so sweet 16 I moved to this city 230 km/143 miles away from my parents. It was as far away I could get back then. Since then a lot has happened. Not only has almost 12 years gone by, I have changed in many ways.

This time I moved as close as possible to the place I couldn't wait to get away from.
Contrary to me, this public library hasn't changed a lot. I have been sitting in this very chair many times before.

I liked to sit here when I was a teenager as well as now. It is a big round table with comfortable chairs between the book shelfs for religion and for foreign talking books. It is a quiet corner of the library and the few people who comes to this two shelfs is always interesting to observe. The chair I am sitting in is placed in a oriel that gives me a view over the avenue. Across the avenue I can see the window of the youth health clinic where I first understood that I truly am a human being.

I met a psychiatrist there about this time of year 11 years ago and first we chitchatted for a while and talked about my boyfriend, my parents and siblings. They are all good people but she picked up that there was something else and I felt comfortable enough to tell her a bit of what separated me from the rest of humanity. She immediately wrote a referral to the hospital and I got very good help to start to understand myself. Back then I didn't have words nor feelings to explain what made me feel like a bomb ready to detonate.

Now, a decade later I have learned how to allow myself to feel and to put words not only in my mother tongue but in a foreign language as well. That closes one chapter in the book of me and opens others. I am happy that chapter wasn't the only one in my story.

It gives me a special joy to sit here with Webster's 3rd and learn the words for todays English lesson. I am not at all against technology, on the contrary, I would use a online dictionary without a doubt if I had Internet here. But it surely is a wonderful feeling to have a huge dictionary in front of you and find ori•el on page 1591 for this post with a nice little illustration to show me that it really is the right word. Before today I didn't know that thinghood was a word. But Webster teach me on page 2376 : thinghood 1: the quality or state of being a thing. 2: something that constitutes a ting as such (~ must also include objective change - C.I. Lewis).

Now I have to study for my English class. My homework for this week is to read eight pages of a test about how we learn language and how the English language don't have a good word for a live-in partner. Then we have some words we have to know. If anyone want to learns some Swedish, here they are:

adult -- vuxen
mother tongue -- modersmål
cope with -- klara av, reda sig i
environment -- omgivning, miljö
context -- sammanhang
suitable -- lämplig
subject -- ämne
experience -- erfara, uppleva
sense -- sinne
approach -- närma sig, angripa
purpose -- syfte, ändamål
assume -- anta
level -- nivå
correspond -- motsvara
course -- kurs
achieve -- uppnå, åstadkomma
otherwise -- annars
whereas -- medan
require -- kräva
vocabulary -- ordförråd
regular -- regelbunden
generalization -- generalisering
regularity -- regelbundenhet
set forth -- lägga fram, presentera
consistent -- sammanhängande, konsekvent
systematize -- systematisera
finite verb -- verb som står i nutids- eller dåtids-form; i texten avses nutidsformen
hold for -- gälla
innumerable -- otalig
unsystematic -- osystematisk
go about -- bära sig åt, gå tillväga med
unconsciously -- omedvetet
handle -- behandla
disposal -- förfogande
carry over -- överföra
case -- fall
bother -- besvära, bekymra
whenever -- närhelst
differ from -- vara olik, skilja sig från
create -- skapa
apply -- tillämpa
above all -- framför allt
furnish -- förse, tillhandahålla
concrete -- konkret
go on -- gå efter, rätta sig efter
analyse -- analysera
thus -- sålunda
master -- behärska
abstract -- abstrakt
on the other hand -- å andra sidan
limit -- begränsa
educated -- bildad
clumsy -- klumpig, otymplig
laborious -- mödosam, tung
set -- uppsättning
the sheer number -- bara (blotta) antalet
various -- olika
peculiarity -- egenhet
time-consuming -- tidskrävande
essential -- väsentlig
unless -- om inte
grasp -- fatta, begripa
mainly -- huvudsakligen
tend -- tendera, ha en tenden
occur -- förekomma, uppträda
recall -- erinra sig, påminna sig
efficient -- effektiv
store -- lagra, bevara
means -- medel
connect -- förbinda
be similar -- likna
inner -- inre
structure -- struktur, uppbyggnad
stand to -- förhålla sig till
logical -- logisk
etymology -- etymologi
that we are likely to read about -- som vi sannolikt kommer att läsa om
hence -- därför
policy -- politik: tillvägagångssätt
concentrate on -- konsentrera sig på
frequent -- vanlig, ofta förekommande
by contrast -- däremot
argument -- resonemang
connected -- sammanhängande
substance -- substans, innehåll
whether...or -- vare sig...eller
naturally -- naturligt
fluently -- flytande
revise -- repetera
fix in our minds -- inpränta
worth while -- mödan värd
wag -- vifta på
rub -- gnida
wave -- vifta med
antenna -- känselspröt
linguist -- språkvetenskapsman
gesture -- gest
cave -- grotta
signal -- signalera till
standardize -- standardisera
communicate -- kommunisera
series -- serie
symbolize -- symbolisera
emphasize -- framhäva
punch -- kraft
emphasis -- eftertryck
obscene -- oansträndig
gladiator -- gladiator
clench -- knyta
fist -- knytnäve
extend -- sträcka ut
approval -- gillande
disapproval -- ogillande
approve -- gilla, godkänna
wink -- blinka
cooperate -- samarbeta
shrug the shoulders -- rycka på axlarna
dramatic -- dramatisk
indicate -- ange
first finger, index finger -- pekfinger
chest -- bröst(korg)
curl -- rulla: böja upp
tease -- reta
disrespect -- ringaktning
adult -- vuxen
snap -- knäppa med

If anyone still wonders why I don't post as much I just will say that this is my shortest HW in the three courses I have started, in two weeks I will start another course. But actually I work the other way around. With much to do I am more likely to write here. So maybe I will post more frequently during February.

Exodus International is lying

Alan Chambers is lying about my country. That makes me frustrated. First I thougt it was a missunderstanding but it seems to be nothing less than just a cheap lie to score easy points to a audience unable or unwilling to check the facts.

Today is the Religious Freedom Day and Exodus International is celebrating this with lies about Swedish laws. I first read about this on Tor Billgrens Swedish blog antigayretorik who quoted Exodus press release:

Chambers notes that there have been many examples of this in the United States and around the world. Canada, Australia, Sweden and other European nations have used hate crimes law to punish, even imprison preachers for speaking out against protected persons. Preachers have been fined or jailed in Canada and Sweden for quoting passages from the Bible about homosexuality.

No preacher in Sweden has been jailed for quoting passages from the Bible about homosexuality. It is a lie. Åke Green and Leif Liljeström was prosecuted but freed on the charges concerning quoting the bible in order to oppress homosexual persons.

Snow!

I have had some fights with blogger. Blogger refuse to upload pictures from me this weekend and I have tried to post just text twice but got errors even from that.

But now the pictures will load so maybe I have some luck with the posting as well.

I am back in the village I grew up. My parents moved away from here a couple of years ago down to Stockholm but they have kept this place and now my father is here for a few days and we drove up for the weekend.

This place is three hours up north from Umeå where we live. It is a very small village in a rather harsh climate. Usually it is snow on the ground from October until the end of April but most winters there are some snow left a lot longer. My birthday is June 5th and it wasn't many birthdays my neighbor didn't find some snow to make a birthday snowball to throw at me. Right now it is about a meter of snow here and -15°C/5°F. I am glad we didn't come two days earlier when it was -25°C/-13°F. I love the snow but I think it is hard to enjoy it when it is as cold as that.

The two images above is just taken with my phone camera from the car when we arrived yesterday. It doesn't make the spectacular sunset any justice. The house is where I grew up and the hill below is just to the right, you can see how they fit together.

I can now spell acclimatization without hesitating

So yesterday my kids started at their new preschool. I don't really know if preschool is the right name. My dictionaries are mostly online and my paper dictionaries do not make a difference between preschool, daycare and kindergarten. It is a place for kids between age 1-5 with educational activities a few hours but mostly just a place to be at when the parents work or like me, go to school.

I knew they had my old name in their papers and we hadn't told them anything about my transition before we arrived. I think it is good to meet people in person when I tell them about transgender stuff. That helps many people not to do the big you-are-a-sick-bastard-thing. When you meet someone eye to eye most people really tries to listen.

That is mostly the thing I want to avoid. People calling me names in front of the kids. So we went to the preschool knowing nothing about them except for the time and place to arrive. We knew that we will have a two week acclimatization period when we get to know the teachers and the kids get a chance to a slow introductory period. So I will meet the personal quite a lot for a few days now.

We arrived and a preschool teacher said hello, reached out to shake hands and presented herself. I will call her Y. We all said our names and I added "In your papers it says oldname. I was born in a more female body but felt like I needed to look more like I felt. In a couple of months I will get the name in order". That is about how much I think one can say before having to take a break and se how it was received. Y just looked cool and nodded and said "that is good to know". Then she turned to the kids and started go give them the grand tour. Then it didn't come up more in any way yesterday.

Today Y told me that they have spoken about same sex parents with the children earlier but she thinks that the kids are so alike both me and Noa that it is obvious that we both are the birth parents and she wanted to know how I wanted the personnel to respond to the the other kids and parents questions. I told her that most of the times our kids give good answers them self but if anyone asks the teachers I want them to answer as openly and direct as possible. Y exhaled and looked relieved. She said that she thought that most people would understand these things if they only was educated. She had watched a documentary about a transwoman with wife and three kids and said that she thought it was obvious that the woman was feeling much better by the transition. Then we talked on for a bit and I felt so happy that she will be in daily contact with my children.

The acclimatization goes well so far not only for me but for the kids to. Frode cried when he realized we were going home and the oldest just asked me if I could promise that they stay longer tomorrow.

Other than that. The weather is crazy. The little snow we had is melting, yesterday it rained! I love the sunsets from my bedroom but tomorrow we have to be at the preschool at 9 a.m. and the sun doesn't rise until after, maybe 9.15, maybe some minutes later. Then it sets again a few minutes after 2 p.m..

The picture at the top is from this mornings sunrise. They are building a few new houses nearby and I have this thing for constructions sites. It is a magical world for me. My father was working a lot when I grew up and he made stucco elements. The times when I got to visit him at construction sites was always very special to me and I still feel happy when I see houses being built.

First time on skates

If you are bored by parental pride, this is not the video for you! Surf away and come back later.

Our three children got skates from our very generous friend Gnu. Her kids had grown out of them and our kids has never tried skating before. I shot a short movie on Frode, our youngest.

If anyone want a high resolution version and can play .mov this is the place to go

Some heavy stuff

I like to move because it gives me a great opportunity to evaluate my life and sort out clutter both physically and mentally. At the same time I hate moving. Because when I evaluate my life I come back to the main issue in my life. How to survive myself. I am one of those who really have to struggle to stay alive. I know it probably will pass when I am finished transition. For most transpeople it does. I don't know if you readers know that transpeople have a extremely high suicidal percentage. I have met many "Christians" that have told me that it is Gods punishment for breaking some divine gender rule. That is statistically easy to see is just bullshit because after transition transpersons gets as eager to survive as non transpeople. The problem is not, let me repeat, NOT Gods punishment. Then it would just be as hard to survive after transition. The problem is much easier and at the same time much harder. The problem is how society, the family and one self can't accept this problem.

As so many transpeople I have been hated by so many for no peculiar reason. Even long before I came out as trans. Most people have noticed that something has been wrong with me anyway. I have never until I came out as trans liked myself so I can't blame others for acting the same way.

I have had three big reasons to keep on going.

1. My huge fear of the evil God I grew up with. My parents didn't give me that image of God intentionally, they where relatively quiet about God and just said prayers with us. I think they wanted me to form my own image of God but instead others gave me a very false image of a evil God that hates almost everybody. I have been scared of hell since I was 6 years old and have feared dying since then. I remember since I was seven how I have longed to die but at the same time being extremely scared of hell. A few years later an uncle to my dad died and I remember mom telling me that he was in heaven now and how I was scared for her ending up in hell just for telling me that he was going to heaven when I knew he had been a alcoholic and therefore by default was going downstairs. When I was a teenager I remember how my parents showed some bible cartoons to my little siblings where Jesus was portrayed as a nice and loving person who wanted everybody just to be nice. I secretly hide those tapes because I was afraid my siblings would be growing up and just be them self's and end up in hell. Nowadays of course I hope that they do think that God is loving but just 10 years ago that was one of my biggest fears. I knew I was screwed but I wanted my beloved siblings to walk the right path of ice cold fear.

2. My second previous reason to keep on was the humiliation I would feel if I tried to end things but would end up at the hospital and everyone would know that I was the freakish failure that could even kill my self. I have failed at almost everything I tried to do in life so I figured it wouldn't be surprising if I failed even that.

3. My last big thing was a fear of a funeral that would include some family members that felt obligated to attend and that no one would miss me.

Now I am fairly sure that if God exists then God is loving and the most I would see of hell was by living. I know I am loved by many and that the memory of me would last for a very long time.

I few weeks ago my mom asked me why people doesn't cry out for help and let people help them when they are suicidal. I think I said that I didn't know. I do know. I know I don't want people to know that I struggle with these questions. I know people will look at me differently after they have read this. I don't want people to come with easy answers and think that everything will be alright if they just tell me that they love me or that my children needs me.

Part of hating one to the level of wanting to end ones life include the standard answer to that. People love me because they don't know me, if I die they will live on with the memory of a fairly good me, not the real me. And as far as the kids goes. Of course I think they would be better of without me. How can people think that I or anyone else wouldn't think of this kind of things. Not just one or two times but for hours and hours.

If I was close to doing anything I wouldn't even be writing this. I would be sure to make it look as something my insurance would cover so I wouldn't be as much trouble for my family.

But lately I have started to think that maybe a reason to keep living is to talk about things like this. How it is to live in the shadow lands, how it is to be someone that other fears. But even if I get a thousand reasons I fear that I will have to really, really struggle with this for a long time. Sometimes every day, sometimes just a few time a month.

What I want people to understand is that myself and people like me do not need your fear. We have more then enough ourselves. What I need and many I have spoken to, is to know that we are accepted without change. That even our dark sides are welcome. I can be nice to people. I don't need to know that my politeness is loved. I need to know that there are places where I, the whole me, is welcomed. Where my story is something important and not just scary.

We are all the same. We all want to be loved. Even if some of us have a hard time accepting the fact that we already are.

I hate the fact that I hate myself. I am so ashamed of it. I don't want anyone to know it. I don't want anyone to fear me. I don't want anyone to think that I am to much to handle and that they don't have anything to give me.

When people ask what they can do for me I so badly want to have a good answer. But I don't. There are no easy answers. But to not do anything is always a bad thing. Passivity can be deadly. It gives the wrong people the power. It is like when my parents told me that God existed but didn't tell me about God. Even if they believe in a good God they remained silent towards me, probably in fear of being wrong, and gave others the power of defining God. I think that it is important to share our beliefs and our stories to one and others so that we can understand that there are never easy solutions. Life is complex and that is a good thing. I think that we too often feel ashamed of our prior wrongs or fear future ones so that to many of us accept silence. I think that shame and fear both are the opposite of what God wants.

Short update

I still don't have a internet connection at home and it can take some time for me to answer e-mails and update my blog. We are waiting for the painter to do some work at home before we can unpack the rest of our things but most things are in order. I love this place more and more. I can see the sunrise over the snow covered tree tops from our bed and the sunset from the living room.

Homemaking

Now everything we own is in the right city. Yesterday we arrived and almost everything in the kitchen is unpacked and later today I will put together the beds so that we can sleep at home. Tonight we slept at a dear friend and right now I am using her internet connection. We don't have our lines up yet. Our ISP have promised to have it up and alive in 1-3 weeks. How will i survive? Well, I guess that time is meant to get things in order, like buying more lamps. Who could have guessed that you need more lamps in a apartment twice the size?

It's already 9.20 am and I really have to get dressed, pack up the kids and go home!

My Father?

Ohh Father in heaven, are you there? Can you hear me? Can you be here?
If your name is hallow, what are then a name? Are words really hallow? Or is the name-thing about more then just your name?
Why didn't you make a easier prayer? One who I understand.

Is it because I do not know your name? I just have a bunch of titles for you, not a name...

I hope that you know that I want to know it.

I hope that you know mine.

However...

Let thy kingdom come.
Let me be a part of it.
Help me to enjoy it and not worry about tomorrow
Let me lay my worries down before you so that I without burdens can come before you.

Let me be a part of your will, a part of your plan.
I know you are God and everything and that you probably has a lot on your mind but I would like it if you would like me.

I hope that you like me even if I am who I am.
I hope that you like me because of who I am.
No, I will not try to lie to You.
The chances are You are omnipotent and I guess you don't like lies.
But I do want to have that hope.
That you would like me not despite but because of who I am.


Are you in heaven? What are you doing up there? Come join us down here instead?
I guess you have a great plan. I hope that your will is done both up there and down here.

I hope your not mad at me for not eating bread. It is such a good analogy and I feel bad sometimes for not eating bread when it painted up as being the most basic of needs in The Book. At the same time it feels like my life in a nutshell. The Bible is full of pictures that just doesn't talk to me. Or just babble rubbish. Like that you should give me my daily bread when I don't eat any. Or that Jesus is the bread of life and that I just use bread to feed my fishes.

Don't dismiss me just for not eating bread please.

Please don't dismiss me at all. I hope you like me more than I like myself. That you don't obsess about my sins like I do. Forgive my sins like I forgive those who sin against me. Let me learn how to forgive myself.

Hold on to me, save me from too much danger and let me know what is right and wrong. I want to do right and in order to do that I need you to help me to understand what is what. Or just do your magic thing and deliver me from evil in every way.

Im just rambling. Lets come back to the basic, You are The man. You have the power and don't screw it up like others but still has the glory. I want to be a part of your team. Please let me!


Amen.