Faliure

Yesterday I got some frustrating news.

In Sweden the equivalent to high school is called gymnasium. I did not graduate the gymnasium in my teens but dropped out. To be able to study at a higher level you have to graduate and get a diploma called slutbetyg - a name an English teacher student I had once translated not to final grade or school-leaving certificate but to slut grade.

The rules surrounding this slutbetyg is complicated and differs if you are young, have finished some high school or non at all. A couple of days ago I heard from another student that a rule I thought I had gotten right actually was different and that I then would not qualify for higher education after this term. So I went to the guidance office to seek some answer and was very relieved to learn that I had got the rule right. For a second or so I felt really good but then she looked closer on my report cards I brought and told me that I missed a required coarse. My last guidance council told me I didn't have to take that coarse but I learned that she probably thought I hadn't any previous high school and I do so the rules force me to take that coarse and now it is to late to do this term so there is no chance of going to the university this fall.

I felt so stupid for not double check the first info I got. If I had known this earlier it wouldn't have been any problem. It is a coarse I wanted to take every term but it never really worked well with my schedule.

The problem for me now is not that I have to take this coarse. The problem is that I completely lost motivation and inspiration to finish this term. I have been on reserve energy for a while and now I just feel empty.

I got a profound sense of worthlessness and meaninglessness I didn't go to todays class even if I really need them. Tomorrow is my first final and I know I will go but I feel like such a failure even in advance so I doubt it will go well. It's the first of two English class finals and it is 90 minutes of essay writing. It will probably result in me writing even less on this blog for a while. The main reason for my infrequent posts here is my English class and getting language "skills" graded. I should focus my energy onto something I do well instead. Unfortunately I haven't found much of that. My talents are above average in much areas but I am not really good at anything.

I detest our school system right now. I am so stupid but the system seems to be even more stupid. I have studied so much and so hard and I scored so high on the högskoleprov, our national university aptitude test and still I can't get in because of a short and irrelevant coarse I will never need for knowledge just for the qualification. It is a science coarse and I will study history and philosophy.

Graduation seems to be for others than me. But I know I will finish it. I have failed enough and I got more than enough of stubborn genes and I will do this. I just have to get the frustration out on something and now it gets to be you.

Mom, don't get worried, I am just sad and frustrated. Many things are very good as well. The spring is coming at last. If you squint you hardly see any ice on the shore in this photo on our Nydalasjön

Patient

So I had surgery 10 days ago. Nothing major and nothing minor. Or maybe both major and minor. The OR was cancelled 13 hours before I was supposed to check myself in. Besides the immediate frustration to get a phone call canceling something I just drove 500 miles to do I was disapointed on a deeper level and I felt really broken. I have waited for almost two years to get this chest surgery and I have always told myself it is no big deal but just practical to get it done so I don't have to care about binders and stuff. But when I got the call telling me it was canceled I got beyond sad and maybe close to mad. But magic happened and I got my surgery. It went fine and the first day was tough pain wise but now I have no pain left. I am just tired and the scars itch as it heals.

Just one tiny complication. One of my nipples doesn't get what it wants and is a bit cranky. I have been to the ER three times the last three days and had several phone calls and now most people involved agrees that it is no infection and just bad circulation and hopefully rest of my body can share some blood and the tissue can start to heal. It is a very different feeling to look down on a body part and see how it turnes blue, purple and now black just hoping that something good will happen and that it will not die and fall off. I have some good blood, why can't I force my body to just share some more with the nipple? It is so easy to think that you are in charge of your body. This is my body I decide where the blood goes! If it wasn't ice on every lake I would seriously go looking for leeches. I am not good at just sitting and waiting to see if pieces of me will heal or fall off.

Tomorrow morning the eastern weekend is over and I will contact the plastic surgery clinic at the huge local teaching hospital and I hope that the step from ER:s to regular wards at regular hours get more rewarding comments than "that looks bad but there's nothing we can do". But mostly happy I don't have any pain. I feel free and n the right track. To annoy any (every) American trans person I can tell you that the total cost for my surgery, the three er-consultations and the many phone-calls up till now have reached a total of 0 kr. That is about $0 in your currency. The bright side of our almost socialism. Well I have spent some money on gas to get to the hospitals and the same almost socialism makes the gas cost more than twice as much here. To be fair I have spent 300-400 kr/~$50 on antibiotics and Panodil/Panadol. But now I have reached the limit for how much I have to pay on prescribed medications this year. Free health care for everyone is better than good.

Now I have to post this and jump in the shower. The kids and I have eastern break for a week and now when the clock has turned 8.50 am they think I am almost evil not having done anything funny yet. Not to mention how deeply unjust it is that the store we have plans on going to not opens before 10. How on earth could my offspring become early birds?

Happy new year!

Today it is the first day of the Christian year. The new liturgical year that my lutheran Church follows begins today but I actually spent it in my parents pentecostal Church, who don't follow any liturgy in a strict sense of the word. But sure as many they have traditions a order of worship that everyone knows of and follows almost as strict as any defined liturgy. Well, the Sunday service I attended there today was very moving and fruitful. I don't know how much I read into it myself but it was very focused on the importance of being truthful, forgiving and honest to others but to one self to in order to focus on spreading the Word. That is something I have thought about a lot for the last year and it was good to hear someone else talk about it for a while.

This week I have met all four of my siblings, my three, soon to be four nieces and nephews my brothers in law and my parents. Not everyone at the same time at once, but still, all of them in a week. That's very nice.

Now I have to find some sleep. I have two weeks of intense school work left until I have a few weeks of holiday vacation when we will move up north. I don't know how much I will be writing, I shouldn't post here until I know that I will have the time and energy to do everything I have to get my grades. I have two distance courses I haven't got a hold on yet.