I am up at home in Lapland. I don't have a cable with me so I can't share my photos with you. Instead you get a colored drawing of my childhood playhouse. My grandfather Alex built it to my aunt when she was little and now my children are playing in it. Well not now in all the snow but in the summertime.
Now I have some copyright on my stuff. If someone want to do anything against the copyright just contact me. I am probably up to anything as long as I can get some personal flattering.
My monsters and other drawings is now under a pretty strict creative commons to save some rights to me.
I have a few days off and am totally exhausted. I have to little energy left and every time I tries to write something I just get stuck in grammar and nothing gets posted.
Tomorrow I will go up to home-home and enjoy total silence and air so fresh it feels strange to breath.
A few days ago it was a snow sculpturing contest here:
The first one was a beautiful piece named Utopia. What doesn't show on the image is that on one side of the building different people with different sizes are walking in and they came out on a straight line all the same on the other side of the building.
Already Friday again. I hope you all will have a good weekend. I have a very nice couple of days planned.
The image above has nothing to do with the text below. It is just a little girl (who was eating a semla. Semla is a pastry we eat mainly on fettisdagen/Mardi Gras (Swedish and French for the fat day) the day before Ash Wednesday.
Yesterday I started to more seriously look at what I can do if everything goes according to schedule and I have the grades that qualify me to study at the university. My problem wasn't low grades but not grades enough. I have to finish more high school courses and I will have everything I need by the end of May.
I just browsed through the catalogue and I have no idea what to apply for. I have rather good grades and can choose what I want except for becoming a physician, psychiatrist or physiotherapist. If I wanted to be a ph-something I would have to improve my grades for another year but I am not at all interested in that.
Right now I am thinking of studying history of ideas but theology, philosophy and so many other things seems to be interesting as well. I will take one or two summer courses to learn more about what I want to learn.
But just to choose two summer coarses is impossible for me. This is the list of courses that I really want to take but I can only do two at once so I have until March 15 to decide what to study:
Filosofihistoria - The history of Philosophy
Från vikingar till välfärd:Svensk idéhistoria under tusen år - From Vikings to wellfare: Swedish history of ideas during thousand years
Historia - History
Logik och kritiskt tänkande - Logic and critical thinking
Maktens och motståndets kulturer - The cultures of power and opposition
Människosyn och moral - View of humanity and ethics
Nya religiösa rörelser och nyreligiositet - New religious movements and new religious expressions
Religion och mystik - Religion and mysticism
Allmän anatomi - General anatomy (basic human anatomy)
Freds- och konfliktstudier - Peace and conflict studies
Humanekologi och hållbar utveckling - Human ecology and a sustainable development
Vardagens mysterier förklarade - The everyday mysteries explained
Gruppvägledning - att leda grupper till utveckling - Group counseling - to lead groups to development.
Svåra samtal i professionella möten - Difficult conversations in professional meetings/situations.
Something I will not become when I grow up is a translator but if I am off to wrong on the coarse translations maybe someone can make a comment with more accurate names. Just do not complain on my grammar. I have had way to much of that this week from my English teacher.
That brings me into another subject. Grammar and normality. My English teacher is focusing a lot on grammar and pronunciation. I think that both grammar and pronunciation is good to know because it helps learning to communicate unhindered. But there me and my teacher does not seem to agree. For me language has only one goal - to help with communication. For my teacher, who deeply loves grammar and pronunciation, languages has an end in itself. We have to use British English and preferably RP and there are a thousand rules just to learn for the sake of it. If she was focused on grammar and focused on how good it is to know when we have to write reports in English at the university it would have been one thing, but now she just sigh and tell us how basic our errors are and how this is an advance class. As the coward I still am I just smile but on the inside I sigh an tell her how languages are made to communicate and how good it is that we try and that every time we can connect and interact in a foreign language that is good and grammar and pronunciation is a good way of learning how to interact more smoothly with one and other.
In todays class I did the connection between her attitude towards language and the society's attitude towards normality.
I think that many people when they express them selfs have a image that can be described as normal and because of that normality can be good. But when we turn it over and say that someone should be normal because that is the way people are it just becomes wrong. When my teacher grunt and correct someones comm-I-tment [kə'mĩtmənt] to a correct commitment [kə'mitmənt]. I can understand why it is good to pronounce well but everybody understood him and the next time she asked him a question he just shook his head and stayed quiet.
If I should go back and re-read this and check up the grammar it would probably take me a week or two to post this I would never try to write anything. But I post my entries with my basic (and advanced) grammatical errors, misspellings and bad allusions (I don't even want to try to think on more errors I do in my posts). If I don't write in English I surly will not improve at all and so what if I have the wrong tense? I get to tell my story and most of you understand me just fine.
Well, I now I can't even put words of how I thing her behavior is very alike society's thoughts on normality. But the feeling of someone having to follow the rules just because the rules are there. But neither language nor normality are static. The rules are there to help us understand how language and society works, not to bind us down and make us feel useless.
Lets change subject again. That one never got good enough.
Today me and Noa test drove a Ford and took a quick drive out to the sea (Kvarken) and I took some pictures. Everyone is talking about how very little snow it is this winter but I am just happy there are snow at all after 10 years in a milder climate that just had snow for some weeks every year.
When I started to come out many people took my transsexuality well. It seems like it is ok to be a man if I just promise to go all the way and be a butchy mans man. Like gender is binary and crossing those lines is the worse thing a person can do if you don't flip totally and hide out on the other side.
What if I wanted to wear lipstick? I don't at the time but what in the world would be horrible with that? This world needs more diversity not less!
was to tired when I did the coloring and smudged it badly but I hadn't the energy or even will to redo it.
I was sitting drinking a glass of bitter but fair trade coffee latte at the cafe next to the public library at a ugly red table and tried to write a normal post but failed once again. I have some thoughts I am trying to get a grip on to share with you but I am not there just yet.
Got a overwhelmed thinking of you all and I just want to say that I am so very grateful for all the comments you have given my previous posts and given new angles to my thoughts (and/or nice company during times of not that interesting thoughts)
So I fell into the Valentine love theme today and just want to say that I am thinking of you all:
I am very grateful to all the readers but here is a special thanks to some of you:
Calia77: Are you still around? Miss you and hope all is well.
Diana_CT: Interesting but hard to read post on partners to transpeople you had the other day.
Elliot: Love you're new blogger photo, you're so cute.
Eric: I am happy to read about your experience from transgendered Christians. I am in the same place of not being surprised but amazed of what the Lord show me.
Heath: I miss reading your blog. Gimme more! :)
Jacob: Did your back hurt enough or will you join me tomorrow and assure some sever leg pain to enjoy during the weekend?
Jami: Just loved the trans fat comic! Have it om my desktop and still giggle every time I see it.
Jay: Hope you are well, haven't seen you for a while.
Jeanette: Didn't ever thank you for the very kind comment on the post I erased. Your words made me keep posting.
Joe (not the G-one): Don't know much about you but thanks for the comment!
Joe G: I really, really miss Beppe Podcast. Didn't remove my bookmark until last week. Don't you have any respect for us who need you?
Koan: Don't know if you are online at all anymore. Miss your blog. Wish you all the best!
Linderholm: I have a problem with the feed from your blog, I don't get new posts so I have to manually visit your post. If you get 10 hits a day from Umeå I not stalking you, just well, uhm,
almost staling you.
Linster: Love you, miss you, and don't call. Have we heard that before? Hope things are good. It's still strange being at Mimer every day without you.
M: I love your blog. Hope you will post again soon. You write things I need to read so it's just a ego wish I have to read more. Glad you made that comment so I found you.
Malgul: Miss you a lot! *hugs*
Mamma: hope you will come by and see our new home some time. Thanks for all your comments. I am so happy you found the blog!/Hoppas att du kan komma förbi och se vår nya lya någon gång. Tacc
k för alla dina kommentarer. Jag är så glad att du hittade till bloggen!
Maria: look what you have done! If you hadn't given me that Christmas gift wouldn't have started to draw or paint.
Marika82: You and me baby, and a couple of ears, knifes, gnu and brute force. I look forward to your visit :)
Nillo: You are an inspiration and you have broaden my horizon!
Ninja: Got almost sick listening to the evangelist in #87. I was glad to be with you on the trip to Cleveland. :)
Noa: You not only rock, you are my rock!
Olov: I am glad you found me. I will tell my story if you tell me yours... :)
Paul: I'm hope all is well. I still think of you almost every time I drink single malt, and that would be more than once in a while :)
Peterson: You make the world a better place. I cannot find any better thing to say (besides wishing you a great birthday week)
Puck: Lost the link to your blog a while ago and miss it. :(
Scotmagicman: Thanks for your comments! I will come back with a report on the books I bought in november and promised you to talk about when they was read. I forgot it until today when I re-read your comment.
Sloopy: Your comment really made a big impact on me. You are a great example on how sharing burdons can make the life so much more manageable.
Tj: Thinking of you daily! Big hugs to you, Anders and Hannes.
Ull: Thanks for loving the dino, I needed that tonight! (K)
Valorie: You are an inspiration when it comes to share love and compassion. Thanks for your comments!
My bookstore has a big shelf with Moleskine notebooks and I did resist the urge to buy one for more than a month. "They are to expensive and you have other paper to paint on" I tried to tell myself. But yesterday I gave in and bought it. Then I just happen to buy a set of water colors. I haven't had good water colors since I moved away from home. And then just a new pen, ooh, they had a special price if I buy four. Great. Maybe a new pencil. I just need a rubber too...
I had a honest feeling that it would be enough there. But no. Today the obvious next step arrived. I had to get a image scanner so I can scan what I draw.
Conclusion: Do not, I repeat: NOT, buy a Moleskine. They come with so many expenses. :)
It says that a picture says more than a thousand word. So this is what I have done today:
(if you are not interested in hand crafts and other fun stuff you can at least notice my almost noticable side burns. I can understand that I have gone from 19 to 22-23 in age when people guess how old I am)
So I spent the day as a living book. I went there with the mind set of changing others and came there changed myself. Love it when that happens.
Besides me there was a girl with CP, a Kurd, a Policewoman, a female preist, a former criminal and drug addict, a Sami, a muslim woman from Somalia, a person on longterm sick leave, a animal rights activist, a lesbian and a white middelaged man.
Can you imagen a more fun group of people to spend almost 6 hours with? It was interesting to meet peoples prejudices when we got borrowed but to sit down and talk with the other books about their life and the prejudices they meet was so fun!
I am already booked as a book for next years living book project.
I have learned so much today.
Now I have to go and eat some real food. I have had russian, ethiopian, finnish and asian fikas. You don't have a good word for having a coffee or tea break with something sweet to it so you can have our fika. But still no proper food.
On Saturday on a event called Midvinterfestival (Mid winter festival (did you really need to read the translation for that?!)), a public library is giving the citizens here in Umeå the chance to borrow another citizen. Yes, up for lending is 12 people. You can borrow one of them for 45 min and you get to sit down and chat with someone often biased. The event is the 2nd annual "Borrow a prejudice - and get rid of it" The 12 persons you can lend is a Kurd, a lesbian, a female priest, a imam, a person with CP, a policeman, a animal rights activist, a former addict and criminal, a Sami, a muslim woman from Somalia, a middle aged white heterosexual man and last a transsexual man. They are called living books and the meaning of the arrangement is to help people not to judge a book by its cover.
The event was a big success last year and the borrowers specifically asked for transpersons when asked what could make the happening better for next year. So now they have a transsexual man and the other new books are the animal rights activist and the white man.
It will be very interesting. I'll probably report more about it on Saturday evening.
So I have given you peaces of my darker sides. I want to give you some parts of me that is more representative to what I think about. I still have dark days, and probably will have for the rest of my life. But I want to compensate with more of the daily me.
I can't begin to tell you how many times I have decided to stop being a Christian.
When I was 6 years old I got baptized in my Pentecostal Church. I was a bit younger then most people was when they was baptized. I had heard someone talk about how the will to be baptized was planted as a seed by the Holy Spirit and I wanted some prof that I was truly Christian so I told my parents that I wanted to be baptized.
After a submersion in cold water in the chapel besides the home of my childhood I stood in front of the parish and sang a song called "Jag har beslutat att följa Jesus"/"I have decided to follow Jesus". I remember how I asked what "beslutat"/decided meant. It is a word more like determine in swedish but means roughly the same. I remember how I felt that I didn't mean what I sang. I hadn't decided to follow Jesus. I had always been a Christian. It felt like saying that I had chosen to be my parents child. It was just the way it was. It felt particularly weird to sing "och aldrig mer tillbaka gå"/"no turning back, no turning back" (or literally "and never again turn back" (or if you want the swedish word by word, "and never more back go" well, back to the point)). Turn back to what? Not being baptized but still believe in Jesus? Well. I sang the song and was very happy to officially be in the family of Christ.
During the years I have tried to choose not to be a Christian. Because I never found grace I have to many times viewed my faith as something that almost me and I just had to be Christian because I didn't want to burn forever. But even if I did decide to stop being a Christian I have never felt like it worked for longer than until I fell a sleep. A few hours went OK but with a good nights sleep I always woke up and prayed and didn't remember I didn't believe in that and I accepted that my faith was still there.
A couple of years ago when I accepted fully that I am transsexual and always will have this glitch between body and mind if I don't change my body, I assumed God hated all transpeople that gave in to who they where. When I came to the point where I cried to God and said that I was truly sorry for being this way but that I still was the way I am and that I couldn't change and that I hope God could make me different before I died so I could be welcomed again. Like a sort of sabbatical leave for most of my lifetime and then God would come and re-save me at the autumn of my life.
For the first time I felt peace and I felt a very strong feeling of presence and for the first time I felt sure that God loved me no matter what.
When I came out to my parents i.e. my mom I had the same feeling. I was heartbroken and sure that it would be the beginning of the end of our relationship. When I came out I surely gave her a big chock but since then I have learned that both my parents truly loved me. Unfortunately I didn't know that earlier but it wasn't until I came to the crossing point and said "this is me and you have to take it or leave it" I finally could understand that I was loved. Both by my parents and by God.
I have always found the "take it or leave it"-mentality to be annoying and egoistic. But for me it turned out to be essential. I started this blog in the same spirit and what it has given me is not only new friends from around the world but also a much better contact with my relatives.
It can seem to self centered to focus as much as I do on myself and give in to my fallen nature. But since I started I have grown not only as a person but on every level and mostly spiritual. For the first time in my life I feel certain that I will forever be a Christian, not only because I don't know how to unChristianize myself but because it is the part of me I like the most and without it I wouldn't be me. It's the light of my life and I finally understand what Jesus talked about in John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." Even if I seem troubled and afraid I have a deeper knowledge than I had before I accepted myself that I am not only accepted, but loved because of who I am.
So in English class we got to work with the homework in small groups. One assignment was to make a poem out of some of the words in the very long list I posted previously. We were allowed to use some additional words for it to make sense.
I used half of our words and wrote
disaproval at your disposal
emphasize various and regular insults
frequently clenched fists
never recall
just assume
I thought I had written a poem. Of course I would have written otherwise if I hadn't been limited in my choices of what word to write. But I think it has a meaning. But for the first time in a while I just got laugther back at me. Well, I did my homework and will surly never read another poem in that class. I will keep them for myself as usual.
Then we got more homework, so now I have to go back to that.
I am sitting at my library. With my I refer to the central public library of Umeå.
When I moved away from home a few days after my not so sweet 16 I moved to this city 230 km/143 miles away from my parents. It was as far away I could get back then. Since then a lot has happened. Not only has almost 12 years gone by, I have changed in many ways.
This time I moved as close as possible to the place I couldn't wait to get away from.
Contrary to me, this public library hasn't changed a lot. I have been sitting in this very chair many times before.
I liked to sit here when I was a teenager as well as now. It is a big round table with comfortable chairs between the book shelfs for religion and for foreign talking books. It is a quiet corner of the library and the few people who comes to this two shelfs is always interesting to observe. The chair I am sitting in is placed in a oriel that gives me a view over the avenue. Across the avenue I can see the window of the youth health clinic where I first understood that I truly am a human being.
I met a psychiatrist there about this time of year 11 years ago and first we chitchatted for a while and talked about my boyfriend, my parents and siblings. They are all good people but she picked up that there was something else and I felt comfortable enough to tell her a bit of what separated me from the rest of humanity. She immediately wrote a referral to the hospital and I got very good help to start to understand myself. Back then I didn't have words nor feelings to explain what made me feel like a bomb ready to detonate.
Now, a decade later I have learned how to allow myself to feel and to put words not only in my mother tongue but in a foreign language as well. That closes one chapter in the book of me and opens others. I am happy that chapter wasn't the only one in my story.
It gives me a special joy to sit here with Webster's 3rd and learn the words for todays English lesson. I am not at all against technology, on the contrary, I would use a online dictionary without a doubt if I had Internet here. But it surely is a wonderful feeling to have a huge dictionary in front of you and find ori•el on page 1591 for this post with a nice little illustration to show me that it really is the right word. Before today I didn't know that thinghood was a word. But Webster teach me on page 2376 : thinghood 1: the quality or state of being a thing. 2: something that constitutes a ting as such (~ must also include objective change - C.I. Lewis).
Now I have to study for my English class. My homework for this week is to read eight pages of a test about how we learn language and how the English language don't have a good word for a live-in partner. Then we have some words we have to know. If anyone want to learns some Swedish, here they are:
adult -- vuxen
mother tongue -- modersmål
cope with -- klara av, reda sig i
environment -- omgivning, miljö
context -- sammanhang
suitable -- lämplig
subject -- ämne
experience -- erfara, uppleva
sense -- sinne
approach -- närma sig, angripa
purpose -- syfte, ändamål
assume -- anta
level -- nivå
correspond -- motsvara
course -- kurs
achieve -- uppnå, åstadkomma
otherwise -- annars
whereas -- medan
require -- kräva
vocabulary -- ordförråd
regular -- regelbunden
generalization -- generalisering
regularity -- regelbundenhet
set forth -- lägga fram, presentera
consistent -- sammanhängande, konsekvent
systematize -- systematisera
finite verb -- verb som står i nutids- eller dåtids-form; i texten avses nutidsformen
hold for -- gälla
innumerable -- otalig
unsystematic -- osystematisk
go about -- bära sig åt, gå tillväga med
unconsciously -- omedvetet
handle -- behandla
disposal -- förfogande
carry over -- överföra
case -- fall
bother -- besvära, bekymra
whenever -- närhelst
differ from -- vara olik, skilja sig från
create -- skapa
apply -- tillämpa
above all -- framför allt
furnish -- förse, tillhandahålla
concrete -- konkret
go on -- gå efter, rätta sig efter
analyse -- analysera
thus -- sålunda
master -- behärska
abstract -- abstrakt
on the other hand -- å andra sidan
limit -- begränsa
educated -- bildad
clumsy -- klumpig, otymplig
laborious -- mödosam, tung
set -- uppsättning
the sheer number -- bara (blotta) antalet
various -- olika
peculiarity -- egenhet
time-consuming -- tidskrävande
essential -- väsentlig
unless -- om inte
grasp -- fatta, begripa
mainly -- huvudsakligen
tend -- tendera, ha en tenden
occur -- förekomma, uppträda
recall -- erinra sig, påminna sig
efficient -- effektiv
store -- lagra, bevara
means -- medel
connect -- förbinda
be similar -- likna
inner -- inre
structure -- struktur, uppbyggnad
stand to -- förhålla sig till
logical -- logisk
etymology -- etymologi
that we are likely to read about -- som vi sannolikt kommer att läsa om
hence -- därför
policy -- politik: tillvägagångssätt
concentrate on -- konsentrera sig på
frequent -- vanlig, ofta förekommande
by contrast -- däremot
argument -- resonemang
connected -- sammanhängande
substance -- substans, innehåll
whether...or -- vare sig...eller
naturally -- naturligt
fluently -- flytande
revise -- repetera
fix in our minds -- inpränta
worth while -- mödan värd
wag -- vifta på
rub -- gnida
wave -- vifta med
antenna -- känselspröt
linguist -- språkvetenskapsman
gesture -- gest
cave -- grotta
signal -- signalera till
standardize -- standardisera
communicate -- kommunisera
series -- serie
symbolize -- symbolisera
emphasize -- framhäva
punch -- kraft
emphasis -- eftertryck
obscene -- oansträndig
gladiator -- gladiator
clench -- knyta
fist -- knytnäve
extend -- sträcka ut
approval -- gillande
disapproval -- ogillande
approve -- gilla, godkänna
wink -- blinka
cooperate -- samarbeta
shrug the shoulders -- rycka på axlarna
dramatic -- dramatisk
indicate -- ange
first finger, index finger -- pekfinger
chest -- bröst(korg)
curl -- rulla: böja upp
tease -- reta
disrespect -- ringaktning
adult -- vuxen
snap -- knäppa med
If anyone still wonders why I don't post as much I just will say that this is my shortest HW in the three courses I have started, in two weeks I will start another course. But actually I work the other way around. With much to do I am more likely to write here. So maybe I will post more frequently during February.
Alan Chambers is lying about my country. That makes me frustrated. First I thougt it was a missunderstanding but it seems to be nothing less than just a cheap lie to score easy points to a audience unable or unwilling to check the facts.
Today is the Religious Freedom Day and Exodus International is celebrating this with lies about Swedish laws. I first read about this on Tor Billgrens Swedish blog antigayretorik who quoted Exodus press release:
Chambers notes that there have been many examples of this in the United States and around the world. Canada, Australia, Sweden and other European nations have used hate crimes law to punish, even imprison preachers for speaking out against protected persons. Preachers have been fined or jailed in Canada and Sweden for quoting passages from the Bible about homosexuality.
I have had some fights with blogger. Blogger refuse to upload pictures from me this weekend and I have tried to post just text twice but got errors even from that.
But now the pictures will load so maybe I have some luck with the posting as well.
I am back in the village I grew up. My parents moved away from here a couple of years ago down to Stockholm but they have kept this place and now my father is here for a few days and we drove up for the weekend.
This place is three hours up north from Umeå where we live. It is a very small village in a rather harsh climate. Usually it is snow on the ground from October until the end of April but most winters there are some snow left a lot longer. My birthday is June 5th and it wasn't many birthdays my neighbor didn't find some snow to make a birthday snowball to throw at me. Right now it is about a meter of snow here and -15°C/5°F. I am glad we didn't come two days earlier when it was -25°C/-13°F. I love the snow but I think it is hard to enjoy it when it is as cold as that.
The two images above is just taken with my phone camera from the car when we arrived yesterday. It doesn't make the spectacular sunset any justice. The house is where I grew up and the hill below is just to the right, you can see how they fit together.
So yesterday my kids started at their new preschool. I don't really know if preschool is the right name. My dictionaries are mostly online and my paper dictionaries do not make a difference between preschool, daycare and kindergarten. It is a place for kids between age 1-5 with educational activities a few hours but mostly just a place to be at when the parents work or like me, go to school.
I knew they had my old name in their papers and we hadn't told them anything about my transition before we arrived. I think it is good to meet people in person when I tell them about transgender stuff. That helps many people not to do the big you-are-a-sick-bastard-thing. When you meet someone eye to eye most people really tries to listen.
That is mostly the thing I want to avoid. People calling me names in front of the kids. So we went to the preschool knowing nothing about them except for the time and place to arrive. We knew that we will have a two week acclimatization period when we get to know the teachers and the kids get a chance to a slow introductory period. So I will meet the personal quite a lot for a few days now.
We arrived and a preschool teacher said hello, reached out to shake hands and presented herself. I will call her Y. We all said our names and I added "In your papers it says oldname. I was born in a more female body but felt like I needed to look more like I felt. In a couple of months I will get the name in order". That is about how much I think one can say before having to take a break and se how it was received. Y just looked cool and nodded and said "that is good to know". Then she turned to the kids and started go give them the grand tour. Then it didn't come up more in any way yesterday.
Today Y told me that they have spoken about same sex parents with the children earlier but she thinks that the kids are so alike both me and Noa that it is obvious that we both are the birth parents and she wanted to know how I wanted the personnel to respond to the the other kids and parents questions. I told her that most of the times our kids give good answers them self but if anyone asks the teachers I want them to answer as openly and direct as possible. Y exhaled and looked relieved. She said that she thought that most people would understand these things if they only was educated. She had watched a documentary about a transwoman with wife and three kids and said that she thought it was obvious that the woman was feeling much better by the transition. Then we talked on for a bit and I felt so happy that she will be in daily contact with my children.
The acclimatization goes well so far not only for me but for the kids to. Frode cried when he realized we were going home and the oldest just asked me if I could promise that they stay longer tomorrow.
Other than that. The weather is crazy. The little snow we had is melting, yesterday it rained! I love the sunsets from my bedroom but tomorrow we have to be at the preschool at 9 a.m. and the sun doesn't rise until after, maybe 9.15, maybe some minutes later. Then it sets again a few minutes after 2 p.m..
The picture at the top is from this mornings sunrise. They are building a few new houses nearby and I have this thing for constructions sites. It is a magical world for me. My father was working a lot when I grew up and he made stucco elements. The times when I got to visit him at construction sites was always very special to me and I still feel happy when I see houses being built.
If you are bored by parental pride, this is not the video for you! Surf away and come back later.
Our three children got skates from our very generous friend Gnu. Her kids had grown out of them and our kids has never tried skating before. I shot a short movie on Frode, our youngest.
I like to move because it gives me a great opportunity to evaluate my life and sort out clutter both physically and mentally. At the same time I hate moving. Because when I evaluate my life I come back to the main issue in my life. How to survive myself. I am one of those who really have to struggle to stay alive. I know it probably will pass when I am finished transition. For most transpeople it does. I don't know if you readers know that transpeople have a extremely high suicidal percentage. I have met many "Christians" that have told me that it is Gods punishment for breaking some divine gender rule. That is statistically easy to see is just bullshit because after transition transpersons gets as eager to survive as non transpeople. The problem is not, let me repeat, NOT Gods punishment. Then it would just be as hard to survive after transition. The problem is much easier and at the same time much harder. The problem is how society, the family and one self can't accept this problem.
As so many transpeople I have been hated by so many for no peculiar reason. Even long before I came out as trans. Most people have noticed that something has been wrong with me anyway. I have never until I came out as trans liked myself so I can't blame others for acting the same way.
I have had three big reasons to keep on going.
1. My huge fear of the evil God I grew up with. My parents didn't give me that image of God intentionally, they where relatively quiet about God and just said prayers with us. I think they wanted me to form my own image of God but instead others gave me a very false image of a evil God that hates almost everybody. I have been scared of hell since I was 6 years old and have feared dying since then. I remember since I was seven how I have longed to die but at the same time being extremely scared of hell. A few years later an uncle to my dad died and I remember mom telling me that he was in heaven now and how I was scared for her ending up in hell just for telling me that he was going to heaven when I knew he had been a alcoholic and therefore by default was going downstairs. When I was a teenager I remember how my parents showed some bible cartoons to my little siblings where Jesus was portrayed as a nice and loving person who wanted everybody just to be nice. I secretly hide those tapes because I was afraid my siblings would be growing up and just be them self's and end up in hell. Nowadays of course I hope that they do think that God is loving but just 10 years ago that was one of my biggest fears. I knew I was screwed but I wanted my beloved siblings to walk the right path of ice cold fear.
2. My second previous reason to keep on was the humiliation I would feel if I tried to end things but would end up at the hospital and everyone would know that I was the freakish failure that could even kill my self. I have failed at almost everything I tried to do in life so I figured it wouldn't be surprising if I failed even that.
3. My last big thing was a fear of a funeral that would include some family members that felt obligated to attend and that no one would miss me.
Now I am fairly sure that if God exists then God is loving and the most I would see of hell was by living. I know I am loved by many and that the memory of me would last for a very long time.
I few weeks ago my mom asked me why people doesn't cry out for help and let people help them when they are suicidal. I think I said that I didn't know. I do know. I know I don't want people to know that I struggle with these questions. I know people will look at me differently after they have read this. I don't want people to come with easy answers and think that everything will be alright if they just tell me that they love me or that my children needs me.
Part of hating one to the level of wanting to end ones life include the standard answer to that. People love me because they don't know me, if I die they will live on with the memory of a fairly good me, not the real me. And as far as the kids goes. Of course I think they would be better of without me. How can people think that I or anyone else wouldn't think of this kind of things. Not just one or two times but for hours and hours.
If I was close to doing anything I wouldn't even be writing this. I would be sure to make it look as something my insurance would cover so I wouldn't be as much trouble for my family.
But lately I have started to think that maybe a reason to keep living is to talk about things like this. How it is to live in the shadow lands, how it is to be someone that other fears. But even if I get a thousand reasons I fear that I will have to really, really struggle with this for a long time. Sometimes every day, sometimes just a few time a month.
What I want people to understand is that myself and people like me do not need your fear. We have more then enough ourselves. What I need and many I have spoken to, is to know that we are accepted without change. That even our dark sides are welcome. I can be nice to people. I don't need to know that my politeness is loved. I need to know that there are places where I, the whole me, is welcomed. Where my story is something important and not just scary.
We are all the same. We all want to be loved. Even if some of us have a hard time accepting the fact that we already are.
I hate the fact that I hate myself. I am so ashamed of it. I don't want anyone to know it. I don't want anyone to fear me. I don't want anyone to think that I am to much to handle and that they don't have anything to give me.
When people ask what they can do for me I so badly want to have a good answer. But I don't. There are no easy answers. But to not do anything is always a bad thing. Passivity can be deadly. It gives the wrong people the power. It is like when my parents told me that God existed but didn't tell me about God. Even if they believe in a good God they remained silent towards me, probably in fear of being wrong, and gave others the power of defining God. I think that it is important to share our beliefs and our stories to one and others so that we can understand that there are never easy solutions. Life is complex and that is a good thing. I think that we too often feel ashamed of our prior wrongs or fear future ones so that to many of us accept silence. I think that shame and fear both are the opposite of what God wants.
I still don't have a internet connection at home and it can take some time for me to answer e-mails and update my blog. We are waiting for the painter to do some work at home before we can unpack the rest of our things but most things are in order. I love this place more and more. I can see the sunrise over the snow covered tree tops from our bed and the sunset from the living room.
Now everything we own is in the right city. Yesterday we arrived and almost everything in the kitchen is unpacked and later today I will put together the beds so that we can sleep at home. Tonight we slept at a dear friend and right now I am using her internet connection. We don't have our lines up yet. Our ISP have promised to have it up and alive in 1-3 weeks. How will i survive? Well, I guess that time is meant to get things in order, like buying more lamps. Who could have guessed that you need more lamps in a apartment twice the size?
It's already 9.20 am and I really have to get dressed, pack up the kids and go home!
Ohh Father in heaven, are you there? Can you hear me? Can you be here?
If your name is hallow, what are then a name? Are words really hallow? Or is the name-thing about more then just your name?
Why didn't you make a easier prayer? One who I understand.
Is it because I do not know your name? I just have a bunch of titles for you, not a name...
I hope that you know that I want to know it.
I hope that you know mine.
However...
Let thy kingdom come.
Let me be a part of it.
Help me to enjoy it and not worry about tomorrow
Let me lay my worries down before you so that I without burdens can come before you.
Let me be a part of your will, a part of your plan.
I know you are God and everything and that you probably has a lot on your mind but I would like it if you would like me.
I hope that you like me even if I am who I am.
I hope that you like me because of who I am.
No, I will not try to lie to You.
The chances are You are omnipotent and I guess you don't like lies.
But I do want to have that hope.
That you would like me not despite but because of who I am.
Are you in heaven? What are you doing up there? Come join us down here instead?
I guess you have a great plan. I hope that your will is done both up there and down here.
I hope your not mad at me for not eating bread. It is such a good analogy and I feel bad sometimes for not eating bread when it painted up as being the most basic of needs in The Book. At the same time it feels like my life in a nutshell. The Bible is full of pictures that just doesn't talk to me. Or just babble rubbish. Like that you should give me my daily bread when I don't eat any. Or that Jesus is the bread of life and that I just use bread to feed my fishes.
Don't dismiss me just for not eating bread please.
Please don't dismiss me at all. I hope you like me more than I like myself. That you don't obsess about my sins like I do. Forgive my sins like I forgive those who sin against me. Let me learn how to forgive myself.
Hold on to me, save me from too much danger and let me know what is right and wrong. I want to do right and in order to do that I need you to help me to understand what is what. Or just do your magic thing and deliver me from evil in every way.
Im just rambling. Lets come back to the basic, You are The man. You have the power and don't screw it up like others but still has the glory. I want to be a part of your team. Please let me!
Amen.
It's not that I am against heterosexuality and monogamy, I think people should be free to express them self's in any way they want, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone, but there has to be limits. People needs boundaries. I spent the Christmas with my extended family and in it there is these three beautiful and intelligent girls who is in their teens. Already they are experimenting with both heterosexuality and monogamy. I mean, don't they know that a mono heterosexual relationship are the most dangerous sort of relationship there is? Couldn't they start out with a more safe and healthy form of relationship? As lesbians they would minimize the risk of both STDs and violence. Or take Pauls advice and just go asexual. If it is possible to change, why not choose the apostle way and just say no to all sexuality?
I really hope that the conservatives can take a step back and see their argumentation from a different angel...
I like irony and satire. No, that is a understatement, I need it. It is a great part of me. I spent the xmas with my husbands family. They are very nice people all of them and I do love them a great deal. But, and this is a great but, they don't get my sense of humor at all. Today I spent a few hours at my parents and it was great to get the homy feeling of satire. Mean is the new kind! I can be nice to almost anyone but there is just a few that I dare to be snotty to.
I met a aunt and uncle I haven't met as Alex yet. I knew they knew but I just chickened out and didn't dare to talk about my change even if it is quite obvious, I hadn't shaved that day, my kids calling me dad and my husband using the right pronouns, so it wasn't like they didn't noticed. But nether them nor I said anything. I don't know why. People I care about I often talk more deeply to but unfortunately I chickened out.
Maybe I can blame it on me being tired. The last three days me and husband has driven almost 1200 miles, and 1000 of them with a trailer filled with our belongings. Now most of our household is up in Umeå. A few days so will we be. In some ways it is a huge step. In other ways I still live a such a big part of my life online so it doesn't really make a huge difference. But I will surly miss my sister Maria who lives here. I miss her even now when she is a few minutes away.
But it is nice to move. To pack up your life and evaluate it. Throw out what you don't like and dream about how things should be. I have never moved and felt this good about myself. When I pack up my things I don't feel panic as earlier times when I just flied. Now I just tidy up something I like and make it more beautiful. I love aging. Youth is highly overrated. Life, here I come!
This might be the last post from this apartment. I am always sitting in bed, often with my headphones in my ears. Right now Jack Johnson's album brushfire Fariytales is playing and I am dreaming of a village where everyone I love is living. I am happy that this is one of the days that I am happy about the fact that my village would be crowded if it was more than a dream. The last days I have mostly mourn that it is just a dream.
After the Christmas Eve dinner we went for a walk
My dapper dog, my handsome husband, my stylish sister-in-law and my sleepy son
Now playing: Coldplay - X&Y
Have I been here before?
I can't remember but this feels familiar
Have I been running in circles or never left this place?
Or am I drifting in a unknown sea?
I am trying to hard to repair broken sounds that my hart gives me.
pasting syllables back to words
Letters becomes words
From nothing to something
Back to something
Is this part of a plan?
Why do I have so many questions?
They smile and say
In due time dear
In due time
Is this my time?
What is time?
Is my journey my goal?
I want to love You
I need to love me
I don't know if I have it in me
I give in and beat myself bloody
A good spank is what I need
Next time I will know what to do
Next time everything will be better
Now playing: Diana Ross - Ain't No Mountain High Enough
They built a fifty foot high wall
To keep me away from You
They dug a moat wide as a sea
To keep me away from You
You just sighed and gave me a brand new pair of wings.
Now Playing: Jonas Gardell - Det tror jag på
I believe
I don't know in who
I do know in what
I believe in faith
I believe in honesty
I believe in mercy
and to give it one more try
I believe in anonymity
I believe in standing up and raise my voice
I believe in the power in art
and to respect creativity
I believe in forgiveness
I believe in blind faith
I believe in questioning it all
and to let some questions rest even when people demands answers
I believe in love
I believe in loving
I believe in lovers
and to let love free
Now playing: Leonard Cohen - I'm Your Man
you brighten up my days
you disturb my nights
I could be the answers to most of your questions
and a distraction from the rest
you make me feel like more then a man
you make me sure that I am your man
Now playing: K's Choice - A Virgin State of Mind
There is a place
It is my place
I know what I will get here in my place
The most safe thing I've got
This is my endless well of
Fear
Dread
Hopeless loneliness
Despair
I know this maze
I have build it to get myself lost in the darkness
The only thing I don't know is to let this place go
Now playing: Morphine - I Know You (Part III)
I know how you want your coffee
You know how I want mine
You know not to touch my tears
I know how to kiss yours away
You know I need you to ask questions and to explain
I know how you need me to lie still and hold you
I don't know where I end and you begin
I love that I know what most of your breaths means
I love that I don't know them all
This is just the beginning
I love we are not alone in this
This is a post that I have written and re written a few times. The word just simply don't come. I don't know if the thoughts are clear.
A little bit more than a year ago I met some transmen for the first time. I lived closeted for a very long time and it was a huge step for me to meet others like me. I liked them all and a few made a big impression on me. But I didn't get to know anyone of them. Not more then "wave and say hello when you see each other"-know. One man in particular really seemed to be interesting and I wanted to speak more to him but just didn't. I met him a few times during this last year and got more and more interested in getting to know him. I realized that I wouldn't change and start talking IRL so I found him on the internet to contact him online. I started to write on a message that I never sent and told myself that I would contact him when my semester ended. Now it has, but today I found out that so has he. He is no more and I never took the chances that was given to me to get to know him.
As a transperson I know to many that didn't survive but every time it really tears me apart. For so long I thought it was only me struggling to survive and I so bad wanted to know someone that knew how I feel. Now I am devastated by how many we are and I kind of wish that it was only me.
I am truly grateful for being trans and get to see myself and society from different views but these dark sides that I share with so many brothers breaks my hart over and over.
Peterson tagged me and I am supposed to tell you about things that are weird about me. But I am tiered and don't really like chain letters at all. So I won't tell you anything. If I had done in, how would I do?
Would I do like Peterson did and write five things on the same subject as the tagger. No, I am not in the mood to write about my tic and that I bite, or almost plane my lips with my teethes each and every moment. For how long would I have to google to find a correct term to explain that where the upper inner tendon of gluteus maximus meet the pelvis is my favorite spot on the human body? That is just not worth the time it would take. Who would be interested in knowing that I have a phobia for newly changed tires? We have to change between winter and summer tires by law and the first 500 miles are really tough for me. I am convinced that they will fall off even if I now that the bolts are fixed.
I have no interest in telling you that I don't like potatoes unless it is served with fermented fish and that I don't like fermented fish without potatoes.
I most certainly will not tell you about the imaginary friends that I still have. I will never confess to the long dialogues I have with my "friends". Earlier on I called them Friends instead an that made everything fun when I met my beloved friend Peterson and started to learn about quakers and that they call them self Friends. I still think about imaginary friend when I see him and others write about Friends.
Well, I don't think I will answer the questions the way Peterson did. I just don't feel like it.
Do I want to tell you different details that I think that others would think is weird with me? It is a big difference between what I think is weird with me and what other react to. I think it is very weird to have pets (like I do) but people never think that is strange. Instead they thing that something as normal as the fact that I am a man who have given birth is weird.
I think it is really weird that I some times buy magazines. They only exists to make me want to buy more by telling me everything that I am not but should be. Why do I read them even once in a while? Why do I give money to them and why do I enjoy the reading when I know the aftertaste? But few realizes the weirdness of magazines and react to other things like the amounts of dark chocolate that I eat. A day with less then 5 ounces of chocolate with at least 70% cacao is an empty day.
Another thing I think is very strange with me is that I often excuse myself when admit to prejudice thoughts. I have noticed that many think that it is good to feel ashamed when they discover prejudice thoughts with them self's but I think it is wrong to react with shame on ones biases. Everybody needs to simplify life and prejudice is a back side of that. I think that it is impossible to be unprejudiced but that we would want to strive to be as open as possible and that the obvious thing when we met one of our prejudice sides we would be happy to know that we have the possibility to become better persons and conclude with the bias inside. But few think that it is weird when I feel shame when I meet prejudice within myself. Instead people think that I am weird thinking about stuff like this.
No, I am still not convinced. I don't to write a post about my weirdness neither what I consider weird nor what I think that others think about me.
(long pause)
I'm sitting at the library as usual. Just besides me three girls who are in 9th grade which make them 15 yrs old. A couple of minutes ago one of them told the third (the second one seemed to already know) about her weekend.
girl: Have you heard what happened this weekend?
friend: No, anything special?
girl: You know Hannah, my best friend?
friend: Hannah, Hannah?
girl: Yeah, Hannah.
friend: What?
girl: She slept with Jimmy friday night.
friend: You're kidding? (her voice got really serious)
girl: No. He is my boyfriend and she is my best friend.
friend: How do you know?
girl: She was supposed to sleep at my place but mom caught us smoking and said that Hannah had to leave. Her mother didn't want to get her and she didn't have anyone to go to so we asked Timmy to lend her his sofa. She promised not to do anything with her but then on saturday she called me and told that they had slept together.
friend: That sucks
girl: I know. I tried to take my life and slept at the psych. ward. I don't know what to do. I don't want do die anymore, he is not worth it. But I can't go back to either mom nor dad. Social services is going to call me in a few hours to tell me if they have any place for me to sleep for a few nights. I don't want to sleep at the hospital any more.
friend: You can't kill your self
girl: I know
friend: I don't know what to say
(Hannah and Jimmy isn't the names she used)
Then they talked about other stuff for a while and I wrote this. Then they was quite for a while.
girl: Mom is pregnant. She can't take care of us two she already have but now she will start over with a third.
friend: Three is not that much
girl: I don't get why she wants another when she doesn't want us and says that she can't handle us
friend: It can be nice with a baby
girl: If she let me stay.
Then they went on with hair styles and make-up.
girl: I wonder what I am supposed to do know
the friends starts to joke.
girl: I have to go home now and pack a bag before mom gets home.
This is probably the first time I miss looking like a woman. As a woman it would be easer just to start talking to her, buy her a cup of tea and try give some support.
What is the right thing to do? To just sit here, stealing her words thinking about me. I think I am a part of her hell, having heard what I heard and choose not to do anything. But I honestly have no idea what would be a good thing to do. The friends didn't hesitate to follow her when se had to go so she is not completely alone, but she surely could need some adult that wouldn't fuck with her or her feelings.
What would have been the right thing to do? The way she told the story told me that it was true and that this is how her life has been for many years. Her love for her younger sister that came up in other discussions with her friends seems to be what keeps her going. I hope that she will meet someone more mature and caring than me. I hope I will grow to show compassion. I wish I knew how to be a Christian and I am happy that my sins are forgiven so that I not will be judged as I deserve. I hope that God listens to prayers and that my prayers for her can do something better for her, not only calm my mind.
What would have been the right thing to do? My conscious only gives me a lot of wrong things that I don't want to do. I know not what to do.
In the news a few days ago they talked about what people thinks gives others high social status here in Sweden. They did a list of 100 things you can be or you can have. Then they made a lot of people grade this qualities from 1-5 on a scale with 5 to the things they thought as making people have high social status gives a high social position and 1 for what brings your social status down.
Top 10
1. Be allmänbildad That's a good word that I miss in English so I keep it without translating. It means to be well-infomed and well-read on many diffrent subjects.
2. Be an involved and good parent
3. Have a capital you have earned by hard work
4. Be an accomplished professional
5. Speak many languages
6. Have the opportunity to take the whole summer off from work
7. Spend time and money on charity and helping people in need
8. Have many friends
9. Live in a spacious house or apartment
10. Have your own style
Bottom 10
91. Plays tennis
92. Have a fully booked schedule
93. Be good at poker or games like that
94. Have an intense party life/night life
95. Be a good amateur DJ
96. Being single and have an intense love life
97. Have attended private school
98. Have a nanny or cleaner without paying proper taxes for your employee
99. Have a fur
100. Have a 15 year younger partner
It is quite impossible to be the whole top ten but still, I like what my coutrymen sees as an ideal person. But the last ten surprises me. I wouldn't have guessed that we have this aversion against tennis. Or that it is a bad thing to be a great DJ.
The one thing that confuses me the most is: How the **** are you suppose to score a full top ten without having a fully booked schedule, the 92nd thing?
I am happy that a high social status aren't on my personal top ten.
Yesterday and today me and my kids did a very small but still gingerbread town. They are only front side and that gave me the opportunity to try to explain dimensions to a five year old. She wanted to do a regular house with four walls and a roof but I said that we would do them 2D instead of 3D. For a minute I thought that she would accept that but of course she asked what dimensions was and there wasn't many minutes until she could tell me that what we where baking was in 3D. I should have learned by now that I can't fool them and come with easy answers. When my English speaking readers will visit us I feel pretty sure that the very first word you will learn is varför why.
Our sugary town has seven buildings. Two of them is churches, one is a school and the rest is toy stores. I made a cross to make a church and then Ella, the middle child, wanted to do a cross too. First she told me that it was a one church with two buildings but then she got quiet for a while and changed her mind and said that it was two different churches, one for some and one for the ones that are not allowed in the first one.
It hurts that she is four years old and thinks of that sort of things. We have tried to not talk about not being welcome in our old Church and said that we wanted to change Church. But they are bright and observant all three of them. But I got happy right away when she said that my Church had to be the boring one because everyone was welcome at her Church. She gave me the tip later on that I should only have one color candy on my Church so everyone could see that it is a more boring place.
I realized that I can't project my own feelings of being rejected to her. She wasn't sad at all. She just felt that it was strange but natural with people that wants to be alone with people just like them and that she felt like it was their loss to miss a wonderful world of diversity. I hope that I will be as tolerating as her some day.
Finally I have accomplished something! I have had a mental blackout for the last week. This might have been the worst week not to perform anything. I had to drop some courses and still have to much ahead. But today things started to fall into place and I have finished one analysis that will get me 100 points in my grade. I our system one hour represents one point and I need 2071 points to get a high school grade and be able to go on to college. Now I have two philosophy essays left and one on modern literature. Yesterday I was pretty sure I wouldn't make it but today it feels like I am going to be able to finish it.
Next term I will study at the same school that I started high school in 11 years ago. I haven't told them I am a man yet. In their paper I am the same as when I started all those years ago. Next week I will write a letter. I remember when I started at the school I am at now. It was in january this year and it feels like a lifetime ago. I had dislocated my right knee a few weeks earlier and walked with crutches. I didn't dare to say that I was male nor female in class. The first one to say any pronoun to me was the same teacher that I just have finished my analysis to. She never doubted, no one never did. The only one at that school to think that I might look feminine has been me. She has become very special to me. She said that it feels like an honor to read my papers which has made me be more and more personal. Her care tricked me into loving history as well. I was pretty sure that I hated history. It only made me feel ashamed of being human. But she ruined that...
Now I will finish the next assignment and write about René "I think, therefore I am" Descartes and his ontological proof of a benevolent God. If I finish that tonight I will reward myself with recording a voice message to Kentie. If you haven't listen to Flatus Show 73 you just have to! One of the topics is my favorite subject; myself.
Yesterday I got another niece. I will never meet her in this life.
It is strange with loss of someone you never knew. Dreams and hopes that never will be. It should never be like this.
I hope there is gingerbread houses in heaven, and butterflies, and cousins to loan, and birches to clime up in until the tummy tickles.
...emptiness...
Today it is the first day of the Christian year. The new liturgical year that my lutheran Church follows begins today but I actually spent it in my parents pentecostal Church, who don't follow any liturgy in a strict sense of the word. But sure as many they have traditions a order of worship that everyone knows of and follows almost as strict as any defined liturgy. Well, the Sunday service I attended there today was very moving and fruitful. I don't know how much I read into it myself but it was very focused on the importance of being truthful, forgiving and honest to others but to one self to in order to focus on spreading the Word. That is something I have thought about a lot for the last year and it was good to hear someone else talk about it for a while.
This week I have met all four of my siblings, my three, soon to be four nieces and nephews my brothers in law and my parents. Not everyone at the same time at once, but still, all of them in a week. That's very nice.
Now I have to find some sleep. I have two weeks of intense school work left until I have a few weeks of holiday vacation when we will move up north. I don't know how much I will be writing, I shouldn't post here until I know that I will have the time and energy to do everything I have to get my grades. I have two distance courses I haven't got a hold on yet.
Today I had to hold a five minute speech at my Swedish course. I am not out as trans in school, they "just" know that I have a husband. A few friends know but it has never been a good time to come out and I don't feel obligated to talk about my trans history. They know that I am Alex and that felt enough.
But then this opportunity came. A five minute speech about dialects, nordic languages, sociolects or something in that area. I choose to talk about my own body language and spoken language as a man and as a woman. I did is as a little show where Alex and the girl I use to try to be. It was the most scary thing I have done in quite a while but oh so fun!
This is the ms I had (translated though), the italic styled text was told with a very feminine body language another voice:
My minutes here in front of you will deal with body language from a gender perspective. More specific, my own body language as man and as a woman.
When I was born 27 years ago something usual happened. My parents didn't see that I was a boy. That can sound weird but there actually was not any single sign that said otherwise.
(at this point I turned on a overhead projector that showed my driver license with Oldname and a feminine photo)
I noticed the difference quite early but used very many years to cover up the tracks. I really wanted to be a normal girl.
To look as normal as possible I had to learn everything a woman was supposed to be. To be on the safe side I had to know how a man was acting so I could avoid that.
I think that it is remarkable that so many small things can make so much difference.
During about a year I lived as both woman and man depending on who I met. With some family and old friends I was Oldname and with my immediate family I was Alex.
No one misinterpret my signals. By the way I choose to dress, speak and use my body I could choose to pass as man or woman.
What is it that makes us think that someone is male or female?
When I walked up here I used big confident steps. I placed myself right here in the middle in front of you. I took a good look at you and looked calm. If Oldname would have been here she would stand a bit by the side, glanced at the teacher and then rearranged the papers. (said with a giggle and a blush)
Alex talk with a clear and slow voice
Oldname speaks faster, she almost reels off her words at a high paste that you almost never would hear Alex use. Oldname would need a much longer manuscript then Alex and she doesn't make pauses in her speech but marks points with different melody when she talks.(said in one breath)
The worst thing of it all
When Alex speaks almost everyone listens
When Oldname said the same thing she had to work twice as hard to get half the attention
Oldname took to much space
Alex gets authority
I do not tell you this just to pass this assignment
I do not tell you this just to give you something cool to tell your friends
I tell you this because I want you to know what a tremendous power body language can give you. That someone who act masculine gets attention that a classic feminine way to express one self goes without.
I did not only go from male to female
I went from under paid to over paid
I went from G:s to straight MVG:s (from C's to straight A's)
What I am sad to tell you is this: What we say is not yet as important as how we say it.
Transgender Blogs
