I'm on my way

http://paraflax.wordpress.com/

Things I've learned

I have had some serious problems with Blogger. One post disappeared and another changed in a weird way. Sorry about that.

On another blog I found my way to this list from Eric Zorn with things he have learned during his 50 years of life.

I got inspired and tried to do a list of my own. Even if I haven't lived very long yet it seemed fun. If I'm as young and dumb as I suspect I will have a lot of fun in 22 years when I can do a list as long as his.

1. If don't even you know yourself it's very hard for others to get to know you.
2. To learn to accept the things you cannot change and to get the courage to change the things you can takes wisdom that needs hard work. With that kind of work many failures will come along your way. But without it failure might be all you get.
3. Dream about your future. That makes for a good start when figuring out what is realistic to do with your time.
4. Keep track of your many dreams for your future. If you do so you will get surprised by how many that comes true.
5. Learn how to do one fine dinner from scratch every year. Something you haven't cooked before. Anyone can learn to cook one fine dinner in one year and after a couple of years you have a lot to choose from if you want or need to cook. If you don't cook you still have given your creativity a boost.
   
6. Learn the basic chemistry of the human body. You are a lot more than just hormones and chemistry but if you learn about them hormones you will get a short cut to the rest of yourself.
7. Dance more often! It is never to late and always to little. If it is in ballroom at a castle, on a club or in your room with closed curtains makes little difference. The importance lies in getting to know en enjoy your body.
8. Throw or give away one piece of clothing for every new one you buy.
   
9. To become angry, sad, disappointed and mad is easy but it takes a lot of practice and analyzing to get good at it. To keep a journal to write in during the peak of such emotions and go back when your are in a good place is a very effective way of learning how you really work.
10. Focus on finding the questions that you carry instead of finding their answers. You'll get farther than you think by just knowing what you wonder about. However, focusing on finding the answers will certainly slow you down.
11. If you can read this, you are more rich and more educated than most people in the world.
    
12. Wisdom and close friends might be the most valuable things in life. None of them can be bought or forced, but both will come for free if you work on being honest, open, trustworthy and admit your mistakes and learn from them. Note that you don't have to succeed in all that, just really work on it.
13. Lists makes things seem easier then they really are. Without lists things often gets harder then they really are.
14. Write a really honest journal at least once in a while. If you're to paranoid/disappointed/scared to keep it then destroy it after you've written it. The process of writing is the important part.
15. You are more beautiful than you think you are.
16. Most of the people in the world think where you live and how you live are exotic and foreign.
17. Take care of your health. It is so much easier taking care of an existing one than buying a new one later.
18. Family is much more than just blood bonds. It is living together sharing life and usually gets better the more you do just that, live and share.
19. Being normal is not normal. Very few people are what is looked upon as normal.
20. Make a budget and stick to it. Keeping track of your money really is worth it. It takes to much time later on not doing it.
21. Understand that most of the times you run away you're trying to run away from yourself.
22. During the state of fear the brain isn't physically able to think critically
23. Lies will bring loneliness.
24. Honesty, respect and openness will open doors and bring you to very interesting places.
25. Both living in the way that is right for you and in ways that are wrong for you are both exhausting but in different ways. But only one of them brings freedom.
26. When people talk about others being embarrassing or ridiculous it tells you nothing but how ashamed they are themselves.
27. Do listen to your elders. Life teaches good lessons and they have much knowledge you might need. It takes to long to figure out life on your own.
28. Listen to yourself.

So Blogger might file this away too but if you got to here. I wish you a very interesting new year!

Today I got a mail from my doctor telling me I had to reapply for my sex-change once again. So now it is get again 4-9 months until I become a real citizen again.

By some reason I got really shaken up by Benazir Bhutto's death. It left an unproportional hole in my stomach. Than later on that day someone I really care about got ill for a while and that made me very worried and (what ever the word for that feeling you get when someone you love hurts. It must have a special word since it is such a specific feeling. But I don't know a word neither in Swedish nor English).

Stupid last 24 hours!

The only good thing I can see in all this buer bear byer beauracracy mess is that I have grown an incredible amount of empathy towards every illegal immigrant. To live without any real possibility to identify yourself is just crazy in this socialistic controlling country.

I'm a tad bitter today. But it will pass. Ohh, it seems like it did the moment I wrote it. Well, then I have nothing more to blog about. Everything is alright now.

I am very easily pleased during the holidays. But soon and very soon it will be all normal again and I'll be back!

Hollywood came to me, or?

So today my American friend arrived. That is all nice an so. But I have met him before (at least most of his personalities). But the biggest thing today was actually when he came and did something he took out his wallet and there I saw something strange. In his wallet there was real American dollars. And yes, as you read this I know you will question that I am adult but that was actually the first time ever I realized that American dollars isn't just a make up thing from all the movies and TV I have watched during my life.

I don't think any American or other native English speaking person can get that feeling I just got. As children we look at cartoon made in the US dubbed to Swedish. Almost all movies are in English with Swedish subtitles. Since few of us knows to read at early age we don't get much of the dialog but learn a lot of English sounds. Then in school at age 10 when I grew up and usually at age 7 nowadays we start to learn English for real. So much of our culture is media based and so very much of the media is from USA.

I have seen us dollars all my life - on TV, in movies, printed on clothes and everything. But up until today I have never seen any real physical money. It was such a strange feeling. Maybe it's for real that country of much strangeness over there. Maybe New York is a real town, maybe George W Bush isn't just made up to be a good source of jokes for Comedy Central. I had to touch the dollars, smell them and try to rip them apart a bit just to really understand they were for real.

I guess I have always known allt that but still I have just sort of assumed it was all fiction. I never thought there was any real people getting their salary in actual dollar. It might have been an actual kid that got their allowance with this dollars that I'm now holding in my hand. Not just kids looking at the TV seeing fictional kids getting their bucks.

Now that important gap between real and fake is starting to fade away. What is for real? Who am I?

As soon as I have my legal issues with my sex change all finished I am going to get myself a passport and going over there! I need to get me some real experiences beyond this.

Midwinter and love ramble

The shortest day has once again passed and lighter days are on its way!

Found a blog I didn't know of earlier today. The author is also a member of a fairly new Swedish association for transgendered issues called KIM I am a bit involved in.

http://genderwarrior.blogspot.com/

I will read it through now while I am drinking my julmust. Julmust is a Swedish x-mas soft drink that is so good it makes Coca Cola drop their sales with 50% here. During December 50% of the soft drinks we buy is julmust.

Tomorrow the sun will set one minute later and in a couple weeks there will be no problem saying when sunrise ends and sunset starts.

I mentioned recently me and my primary partner N was in an article in a local Swedish Christian paper. We was on the cover and the only heading set on it was "Störst av allt är kärleken" - Greatest of them all is love.

I have been thinking a lot about what love is in general but since I read that cover I have gone back to my questions regarding love. I am portraited as someone who knows love and still I have very little clue.

In the chapter from 1 co that Paul tells us love is greatest he describe love like this "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

Apart from Paul I have only heard this describtion of love from abused women. "I do love him and I will always protect him and I will always hope he will change". I hope my daughters will never look upon love as something where they shouldn't keep record of wrongs. Everyone should do that I think. Yeah, sometimes it is good to ignore that record but in the long run you have to get stats on that record that works out.

I don't stay with N because of the kind of list Paul made. I just can't imagine that any life without him would be as good as the one with him. If we take Pauls list:

Love...

1. …is patient
2. …is kind
3. …does not envy
4. …does not boast
5. …is not proud
6. …does not dishonor others
7. …is not self-seeking
8. …is not easily angered
9. …keeps no record of wrongs
10. …does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
11. …always protects
12. …always trusts
13. …always hopes
14. …always perseveres.

To talk about love as a being of it's own is a good way of Paul to just weird it up a bit but still. How do we have it on these points? After nine years this isn't my look upon it.

1. …is patient. I would say the opposite. With people I don't know I have a rather good patience. When it comes to the people I love I am very impatient. Impatient to meet them soon, impatent for them to do nice and smart things frequently.
   
2. …is kind. Sure. Love gives some kindness. But I am most certainly never as cruel to people I don't love as the ones I love.
   
3. …does not envy. That is just plain silly. When we hear of jealousy love is almost always in the picture. I am not proud of my envy of all the life goodies N has that I don't but it is there and will always be. But I have to say that I like that he has so many envious sides.
   
4. …does not boast. There I can almost agree. At least after a couple of years together I don't feel much need to boast. It's just no point. We are too much of the same person.
   
5. …is not proud. Proud is such a hard word. I am proud of him and our relationship. At least most of the time. But I understand it isn't that kind of proud he was talking about.
   
6. …does not dishonor others. Maybe Love don't but I do from time to time.
   
7. …is not self-seeking. Who looks for love without self-interests?
   
8. …is not easily angered. I don't think I am the only one out there to be the most angry at the one I love most.
   
9. …keeps no record of wrongs. No formal records of course but yeah, I try to keep in mind how we suck and when.
   
10. …does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Here I'm sort of in agreement with him. Evil is just evil. Truth is nice, hard but have obvious perks.
    
11. …always protects. Well yes. I think love have a tendency to make us protect each other. But I don't see that as a good side of love. When I get treated badly I mostly swallow it and feel shitty. I have tried getting better of not protecting and that little truth part just makes all the difference.
    
12. …always trust. Not at all. At some periods in our life I have had very little trust. Trust gets built and torn down by other stuff than love. There are many people I trust that I have no love towards. There are some I love deeply but doesn't trust much. Love and trust in a fluffy combo is always sweet but not always a given.
    
13. …always hopes. Maybe I agree here too. At least in the long run.
    
14. …always perseveres. Well, not always and is it a good thing? It is so easy to forget what is best in the long run and just persistent hang in there. To fight just because it is the right thing to do without really defining what's the goal and why.
    

I might have a very pragmatic view on love. But what has been our way of finding love and safety in our life together hasn't been that stupid list. Besides from a bunch of fluffy feelings to begin with it has been a rather simple rule to write and almost impossible to follow: To talk about everything. If things makes us happy we talk about it. If stuff makes us sad, mad or just uncomfortable we talk about it. We talk for hours and hours every week about seemingly meaningless stuff about how we feels but in the longterm that makes us know each other extremely well. It is beyond bonding.

But it is all about that communication. As soon as we stop talking about everything our knowledge about each other don't improve and the bonds loosens up. Love doesn't offer much when communication isn't there. At least it just makes me build up my own image of him and when the real version and my image crashes it hurts and creates loneliness regardless of physical distance. With lots of open communication prevents that sort of crashes a strong togetherness grows and the fluffy stuff grows.

That sounds all nice and are easy when the open communication is about how great everything is and how beautiful eyes you have. But from time to time life is about other stuff. Jealousy, disappointment, uncertainty and such are not that easy and socially encouraged to talk about at the end of the day. But just do it anyways. At least for me any feelings in that area grows fast if I keep it to myself and mostly just disappears if I bring it out in the light.

So, no. Love doesn't conquer everything. Honesty does. And it kind of builds love. Love is great but I have my bet on honesty. And love doesn't at all equals honesty.

So there is my midwinter love ramble. Next time I will write more fun stuff. I think. All i know for sure is that the sun will show for one more minute tomorrow.

A vacation anyone?

I like Sweden. In many ways. But I wouldn't say that I'm proud of it. Here's one reason why I will never be proud:

From the local paper vk.se

Umebo dömd för sexövergrepp på dottern

Två års fängelse blir domen för en umebo i 40-årsåldern som förgripit sig sexuellt på sin egen dotter. Men tingsrätten var inte enig.

Mannen ska vid flera tillfällen ha utfört sexuella handlingar med sin fyraåriga dotter. Bland annat har mannen låtit flickan utföra oralsex.

I won't translate it much because I like you but it is about a man here in my town who today got his ruling for sexually assaulting his own four year old daughter. Amongst other things he forced her to perform oral sex on him. Yes, she was four. It was her father. What does he get? Two years in prison. And that will probably become a lot less if he behaves.

Theoretically we focus a lot on rehabilitation in our jails. The prisons have one person cells with a bed, a desk, a window with curtains, a board to put up posters and cards on the wall and a TV. Many prisoners gets a video game to pass the time. They have to work or finish basic education in there and by securing the basic needs with safety, good food and a nice place to feel at home in the grounds for rehabilitation should be high. Sure I want allt he criminals to turn good but still. Two years? The kid will still be a small child then...

A year ago or so there was a discussion if there would be possible to keep sex offenders in prisons from porn and they agreed to stop the porn channels on TV and porn in common spaces but they decided that it would be unethical to take away the private porn from prisoners and as long as they keep it in their desks and don't bother others.

One prison actually took the matter in their own hands and took away the porn from one rapist in their prison and the prisoner reported it and went all the way to the Supreme Administrative Court who ruled in favor of the prisoner.

I can't understand how the government doesn't view porn consumption for a rapist as something disturbing rehabilitation.

Since we are a country in agreement of never disagree we can't discuss it either. Everyone gets to be sad in silence but shame on anyone who speaks up.

This makes me beyond sad.

A lot of other stuff makes me less sad. I have now been on T for two years. Tomorrow is midwinter and we will start our journey to lightness. Now there is a couple of hours of sunrise, two-three hours when the sun comes up over the tree tops if you're in the right place and then sundown. I'm not in the right place so I can never see the sun up above the horizon if I'm at home and there is just this long sunrise that every day just fail totally and the darkness wins. I will come back when the sun does.

Mission Accomplished!

A month ago i did the annual obligatory bilbesiktning. It is a yearly car inspection we have where they check everything on your car, the amount of rust in important places, that all the lights work, that you're not having to bad exhausts and such. I think it's a good thing. Every car has to be in really good shape at least once a year.

This is the third year we have had a car and also the third car we have had. It is always a bit scary to besiktiga a new car because you sort of get to know if you were tricked when you bought it or not. But every important part of the car was in good shape. But some light bulbs were broken and one headlight aimed to high so it might dazzle the cars I meet.

I bought new light bulbs some days later and changed them but waited with the headlight. That needed tools and I was lazy. Today was the last day to fix it before the car would be illegal to drive so I took my toolbox and went down to the car with the thought it would take me ten minutes. After ten times ten minutes I gave up and went inside and did a first for me. I called a mechanic. I went down and got it fixed and read a flyer telling me that they could tell the bilprovning that the problems were fixed as long as they had the inspection report from bilprovningen. Unfortunately I had that at home and my car in the shop at the time but some sweet talking with the cashier gave me my keys back before I paid to drive home to the other part of the town to get the inspection report and drive back to pay it all and get it approved.

When I showed it to them they correctly told me that they had only changed the headlight and not the bulbs that were in the report. Yeah, that was only light bulbs, I changed them myself. Well, then they couldn't help me because they had to do the changes themselves. I asked how much it would cost me to make them do it again and actually change my already changed bulbs to new new ones to know that they were new but they declined. I was actually willing to pay them to charge me new bulbs but only go out to the car 5 meters away but they refused. Stupid businessmen! So I had to drive a mile to the bilprovning and check my car there.

Four hours of my life I wont get back. But I managed to keep it legal to drive with my car.

But the shitty day soon changed. One of the best blogs here in town is written by the fabulous MJ Bliss and after following her blog for a long time we finally met up for a fika and she was as fun irl ans on her blog. Why does almost every new and fun people I meet in this town come from out of town? That is a strange thing about this place.

My long time readers might remember that the single reason to start this blog was to practise my English. My first posts took hours and hours with the dictionary and now I rarely use the dictionary at all and writes what ever comes to my mind. So I think I might have reached my goal. Especially after today when she gave me the greatest compliment on that part. Until we met she took me for a native English speaker. I haven't even been to any English speaking country (yet). She also gave me a bag of delicious chocolate covered almonds!

Even though she knows Swedish we spoke in English the whole fika and it was only a few times I had to put in some Swedish word that I didn't find the right English one. But at the other hand that happens to me a lot in Swedish too. That a English word comes up before the right Swedish one.

So, then and there I decided to never make any excuses for my English skills anymore. Yeay me!

Now I have to go cook some dinner. The kids last day in school this term gets celibrated with their favorite food and the Swedish national lagom fancy food - tacos. If you ever get to visit a Swedish family eating something to celebrate anything and it isn't pay weekend (we get our salary once a month and almost everybody the same date) it is very lightly it is tacos. It wouldn't surprise me if Swedes eats more tacos than Swedish meatballs. But tonight is the kids night and they decide. I'm just their humble servant. For one night every term at least.

I took some photos of the kids, the gingerbread house and other stuff for the blog but my stupid computer refuses to connect with my phone since a few months so no more photos for you... (yeah I know I have a camera in the computer, and two real digital cameras on my desktop but that is not the point!)

Not another update

God Jul or whatever holiday you may celibrate or avoid!

I have a short brake from decorating gingerbread house 2 and 3. We're having a x-mas orgie here.

For the first time since I moved away from home I am spending x-mas at home. I wonder why we didn't think about that earlier. A lot of my holiday stress is gone when we don't have to plan far away traveling.

We also skipped most of the gifts and other parts of the tradition that I don't like much. The other parts that I do like I enjoy a lot more.

I can recommend that a lot.

But Alex. you might think, why are you talking about that? Make amends for blogfading, explain it and promise to never let it go more than a couple of days between posts like last year!

I don't do well with rules and that rule of having to feel bad for not blogging on my own blog is not really something I will do.

When I started blogging my big focus were spiritual and philosophical wonders regarding transition, non-normality and other stuff that I feel have a great point in being talked about in the open.

When I started to accept myself more and more those questions faded and other questions started to arise. The new questions were stuff I liked to keep for myself. Not really secrets but stuff I didn't want input on from others because I needed to build a foundation for myself first.

Another part is that many of my questions now will keep changing your view on me and I feel like I have put yall through enough already.

Being transgendered is hard in many ways. But in some ways it isn't. Since it isn't a choice but forced upon us and there is no other healthy way to handle it than to accept it and learn to live with it. I often meet people that think it has to do with morality or spirituality but I don't think so. At least for me transition was necessary to keep me (get me) sane.

So here's my warning. You will probably not approve with much that I will write. I don't do well with just writing about how many gingerbread houses I have done so when I write my values and thoughts will come up. Even if they don't fit.

I haven't read this since I don't read stuff about me ->
In Swedish: http://www.tidningenspira.com/artikel.php?id=455

So where where we?

Back in the autumn I had this idea that I was going to get back to blogging. I did a monster a thursday many weeks ago and thought I was going to put it up the day after, but obviously I didn't. But here it is.

Then the migraines came. I don't know why yet but we have our theories that some other medications are making them come and kick me down. It hasn't been a week without them for a looong time now. There are a bunch of obvious bad things about that. Obviously! If you don't get that just check migraines up in a dictionary. Besides the pain I just can't do anything. Can't work, can't write much, don't have the creativity to paint. The don't being able to work part has been very frustrating since I am in a place where I both have and love my job. But, besides the bad stuff there are some good things with this illness. First of all I have stopped with almost every bad habit I have. I smoked some earlier but since nicotine can trigger an attack I stopped. I have stopped regularly drinking caffeine, drinking alcohol and eating chocolate. I almost only eat really healthy and I exercise and treat myself good. I hope that will make some difference soon or that our slow health care system will help me some more.

But there have been several good days too. But not enough time to really reload my batteries. So I can't really write anything with substance. So I fill it out with some happiness in two photos taken between attacks. The first snow a couple of weeks ago and the most recent niece.

Scattered Showers

Hi. Remember me? I have some new urls and don't even know if my old rss-feed will bring you here. Well. If it don't I will just write to my self and that I'll guess is alright as well.

Any questions about the loss of http://acrossandbeyond.blogspot.com/ will be kindly ignored. I will not recognize stupidity it takes to explain that change.

Now I can be found at http://alex.resare.com/ if anybody wants me. Alex as in my first name, Resare as in my surname and Com as in I would sell my soul for dime if anybody offered to buy it.

I rearranged my living room today. I didn't use it at all. I don't know if I buy the feng shui-thing but I didn't like the vibe in here earlier and just didn't go in here if I didn't have to. Since our living room is kind of huge it seemed kind of stupid not to use it at all so tonight I moved everything around. I don't know how I feel about it now but it is not worse at least.

When I moved around the book shelfs across the room I found a collections of poems my grandfather made in the end of his life. The first time I saw it was on his funeral. The title is "Spridda skurar" the Swedish term for scattered showers. My first honest project about my life was called "Cloudy With Sunny Spells". I guess we had a few things in common me and my grandpa.

We lived together for a few years. It was a time when my father in long periods of time was away on buisness, my mom was working hard. It was a time where I felt very lonely. After a happening I call the ironing situation that changed.

When I as a 6 or 7 years old was accused by someone of stealing an iron (I was obviously innocent, the few things I have stolen in my life was far more logical, fun and/or exiting than an iron). I won't tell the whole story now but it was a rough time in my life when I thought I was a burdon to everyone and felt incredibly in the way everywhere and as an unneccesary part of my family.

In the ending of the Iron situation it came down to the moment when the three adults in my life at the moment: my grandmother, my grandfather and my mother all were fighting about me. My mom telling the other two I was too nice to do anything stupid, my grandmother talking about how smart and confident I was and my grandfather telling the others It didn't matter who had done what - I was a child and just needed love and care. I was very encouraged by that. Moments earlier I had felt terrible but just in this moment I realized all three of them had very high thoughts of me even if it came out in very different ways.

As told I was just 6 or 7 years old. I am not entirely sure what happened. But I am sure my grandfather said something that changed me.

Since I was a child the focus wasn't what I had done or not done in this situation. I just needed love and care. I desperatly needed to hear someone telling me just that. And he told me. Not to my face, I am not sure I even was in the room. It was between adults but he said it and I heard. That changed everything in my life as things likely does at that age..

He was there when my parent couldn't.

Now when I am grown up with two girls on my own in the same age I admire that even more. I know how incredible impossible it can be to give support and knowledgeable love at that age.

So here I am sitting here with his poems in my hands. I feel sadened by the fact that I never told him how very much he meant to me. But where we grew up feelings like that was never discussed as far as I heard. I hope he knew were he had me anyways.

Something he gave me during our years together is something that will last for many years to come. Both my mother and my siblings seems to get my father in a way that I have never understood. My grandfather gave me the tools to see both who I am myself and who my father am and how he loves me.

It was never discussed openly but he often told me stories about my father and they most often showed how he went the extra mile to care for someone or something without any words. He gave me many keys I needed.

One of the poems in this booklet I have here are called Rust Free Love. I had heard this one before I got the collection on his funeral. I remembered how he read it to my grandmother on their 50th anniversary. This in a place where men where though and feelings often kept to one self. This is a rough translation:

We have endeavoured together for many years.
My hair has fallen off
Your hair have turned gray

Of all the grand plans I made
are just splinters and gravel left

I wanted to build a large house
for us and our children to live in
It only became a half built shed.

I wanted to give you a rose, a flaming red,
but I hurt my finger on the rose's thorn.
It only got to be a stain on a paper napkin.

I wanted to deliver an honest I'm so thankful
But I stumbled on the syllables
It only came out as an hesitant Umm..


Still it happens
You slip your hand in mine
and whisper:
My friend, I am yours, just yours.

I hope he knew that even if I never was there by his side, I loved that he was always on mine. How he years after he has passed away still helps me figuring out myself through his words and life.

When I was in the (weird) situation that I had to decide a name for my self it was his name I chose. It wasn't even a decision. I wanted to grab hold of something of his.

Today when I rearranged the furnitures I had to get a some help from my daughters. One of them said with the utter most respect in her voice Wow dad, you're almost as strong as grandpa.

I love that they get him and have the same look in their eyes when they talk about my father I have when I talk about his father. It is strange but good. I wonder if they need him to get me in the same way that I needed grandpa. Life is strange and interesting. We'll se what happens.

I like the new arranged living room. My kids are finally asleep. This day is over, my blogging isn't.

peace and quiet

I haven't been good at updating my blog this summer as the brave few readers still left probably have noticed. The thing is that I'm not in blog mode when the kids are home from school and the summer tend to do that with kids. Ergo no posts until fall.

Last week was spent with my partners family. This summer has been very wet (rain-wet not liquor-wet) and most of the time at the in-laws was spent on one of their huge porches with thousands (ok, not really, but probably at least a hundred) pelargoniums/geraniums. Here is one of the ones that got caught under my pen and brush and the veranda it was placed on.




My mother-in-law has a very beautiful garden with a magnificent view over the Viskan river valley. Viskan is a "river" known by everyone that has attended Swedish schools. Every single student have to learn the names of the rivers Lagan, Nissan, Ätran, Viskan by learning the phrase Lagar Ni, Äter Vi (If you cook we will eat). There is nothing strange with students that have to learn a few rivers in school. The only surprise was when I first saw these rivers. Where I come from those water-thingies are a stream at best but would probably mostly counts as a ditch. It is literally possible to jump over every single one of them without getting wet. At least on some spots. We never had to learn the name of the real rivers like Klarälven that is seven times longer and where a boat is needed to cross. But besides that - the view from the in-laws veranda is beautiful. I'm glad we stayed for a couple of days.

Now it is supposed to be all work for me. But the kids have another view on the summer so it just becomes a few hours of work every day. We're all working on learning how to compromise at least.

lazy dayz

We're down visiting some family. Yesterday I met three of my siblings and all the kids cousins. Today one of the siblings had a birthday we celebrated and among others one of my cousins with family came and ate some cake.

Tomorrow we will try to meet some old friends who live here and on friday it is time for more family and on saturday we have a wedding to attend.

It is a bit stressful to live so far away in the other part of the country so that every minute of free time should be planned to meet people we moved away from. But on the other hand - one could have bigger problems than having too much loved ones to visit...

The photos are from yesterday at my parents allotment with my kids and their cousins, my older sisters and some polar bears (or is it my sisters dogs?) and my mum.

Friday monsterday

monster time

Friday in Stockholm

I'm on a short vacation down in Stockholm and will not write much just deliver another monster. I hope y'all are having a good time. A special thought to everyone in Irvine at the bXg conference.

click to view in a readable size:

Friday? Really?

Yeah, seems to be Friday at last... (click for enlargement)





For a few weeks just with the kids color pencils and no water color but maybe that will change back in time. I hope the Fridays will come more regularly for a time now.

Just a little bit of summer

My parents-in-law came and made the kids summer even more fun. The last few days happened to be filled with many animals. I have no time to sit down and write more but you can take a look at some photos from the last couple of days and make your own story.

That dude, what's his name?

I have an interesting problem/milestone. I am sitting here with the application form for my legal sex change. After a couple of years it just comes down a simple one-paged form with a number of boxes and lines. I have to fill in this form to apply for a permit to do more surgery, to get my new names and then finally get my new male personnummer and then I'm done.

I have to send this form tomorrow and before I send it in I have to decide what my new names will be. My first name Alexander feels good but i want to have to other names as I do now and as most people around me have.

I have thought of what names I should take for several years and two times earlier I have applied for just a name change but those requests was turned down because of bureaucracal mistakes or inexperience from my side.

When we expected our first child we had a number of names possible for that child and when she was born and got her name we saved the list of names for future children. When the next one was on her way all the old names still was beautiful but seemed strange to think of again.

I feel sort of the same way now. The old names I thought of for me seems strange to use and now when I sit here with the surreal application form I don't know what to choose or what to write.

I feel pretty comfortable with Alexander, the only hesitation there is that my father seems a bit skeptical and the name is after his father and parents have a lot to say when it comes to name to wear.

So what shall I write on that little line on this little form? Any suggestions will be thoughtfully considered even if I obviously have the last word. Please help me now friends and family! :)

Colors

Peterson Toscano wrote a very good post about being a refugee and I made a comment there and got thinking about personality and what it is that make me like some people/churches/clubs/situations/whatever and dislike others.

In the comment I wrote "I am my own color on Gods palette. There might not be other colors like me but I match well with other nuances and even some contrast colors." The more I think about it the more I like that image.


I have two friends that are divorced and have a ugly fight over the children right now. They are a really bad match and they only have two things in common. They both love the kids and how they both think that the other parent is the worst being on the earth. They both have good and bad qualities and watching them makes me more and more convinced that most people are equally good and bad just in different ways and it is just a matter of finding people you get along with.

In one way this seems like something most people would agree on but at the same time we grade people differently all the time. On what seems to be a linear scale. We don't have to look far to hear comments like "1st person isn't good enough for 2nd person".

If we could look upon our fellow creatures more like colors that might change. Different colors matches with each other and some colors are more popular than others but few can argue and say that purple is an objectively worse color off less worth in the world than green or that a warm nuance of red have a bigger value for the world than a colder red. I think that most people think that it is good that every color exists. At the same time I think that everyone would agree that they don't want every color in the world on their walls in their living room. It is widely accepted that different people can like and dislike different colors and match them together as they like without wanting to change what colors should exist in the world.

I like a lot of people and I dislike some. The ones that I dislike are just colors I don't want to combine my own color with. They might fit well in others living rooms but not mine. My color is beautiful with with my husbands but far from all colors that are beautiful with his is beautiful with mine.

Different people likes different colors together, some think that pink and red are beautiful together, others think it is a terrible combination. Some people I like myself with don't agree and some that think their color goes well with me I don't really see as beautiful.

Some colors you want to have around you all the time, some colors are nice for shorter amounts of time.

Yes, I think I will keep this image.

Happy New Year

Today 109 years ago Federico García Lorca was born in Granada. I couple of days I didn't know about him at all and when I read about him I learned that we share the same birthday so I had to read a bit about him. He was a multi talented Spanish poet and dramatist. At the age of 38 he was killed by the nationalists. In the Wikipedia article about him it says:

He was executed, shot by Falange militia on August 19, 1936. The executioner is reputed to have said "I fired two bullets into his arse for being a queer."

I wish I could say that much has happened since then...

But today all is good up here. I have had a wonderful day today. Perfect weather, nice company, really good vegan food, thoughtful gifts and I feel so glad that I am who I am where I am today.

As I always do on birthdays I evaluate the last year and make dreams for the next year. It is interesting to see how much my dreams can change from year to year and how I seem to learn at least a bit every now and then. After I have posted this I shall relax and listen to some new music and read some more poems until the sun rises again. Not very smart but after a day with tired kids and many impressions it is nice to be awake all alone.

If there is more out there that didn't know Lorca before here is one of his poems for you:

Sonnet of the Sweet Complaint

Never let me lose the marvel
of your statue-like eyes, or the accent
the solitary rose of your breath
places on my cheek at night.

I am afraid of being, on this shore,
a branchless trunk, and what I most regret
is having no flower, pulp, or clay
for the worm of my despair.

If you are my hidden treasure,
if you are my cross, my dampened pain,
if I am a dog, and you alone my master,

never let me lose what I have gained,
and adorn the branches of your river
with leaves of my estranged Autumn.

--Federico García Lorca


I hope you all have a good day. Tomorrow is our national holiday. It is not celebrated much at all, at least not by the people I know. Only way it effects me is that I always can sleep in the day after my birthday. On TV they will probably sing our national anthem and humble as I am I always get the same thought when I hear that tune -- I may not know much but I am not as stupid as that song. This is how it goes:


You ancient, you free, you mountainous North
You quiet, you joyful beauty
I greet You, most beautiful land upon earth
Your sun, Your sky, Your meadows green


You throne upon memories of great olden days
When honoured Your name flew over the world
I know that You are and will be as you were
Yes, I want to live I want to die in the North


First of all. The most beautiful land? The idea of beauty as something objective where one thing can be the most beautiful as that doesn't match my way of understanding. Second of all I don't like the idea of throning on old great wars. I can't be less proud of wars. But it is the penultimate line that makes me sigh and wonder what they where thinking. I know that You are and will be as you were. I may not know who I am but at least I know that nothing will ever be as it always where. And that is good, change is good.

Lunch break

So I'm on my lunch break from work. Yes! It has been a long time since I had a job more than a few hours here and there so it is sweet to be able to say that: I am on my lunch break.

When I work I sit in my bed with my laptop on my lap and now on my break I sit here in my bed with my laptop on my lap. More specifically my job is at a company called Voxbiblia who sell the Bible on audio files in different ways. Right now I am sitting and cutting files following our Swedish Lectionary.

Noa, my husband also work at Voxbiblia and has recently made a nice little embedded player that I want to try out.



Now my break is over and I will go back to work.

Tinky Winky in trubble again

Polands official spokesperson for children's rights, Ewa Sowinska wants psychologists to examine if Tinky Winky, the purple Teletubbie is gay and should be banned from public television in Poland. Ewa Sowinska had watched Teletubbies and didn't realise he was a boy at first and was very concerned when she understood that it was a boy that carried a handbag. You probably remember the same argumentation from Jerry Falwell many years ago.

From a BBC article:

Ms Sowinska wants the psychologists to make a recommendation about whether the children's show should be broadcast on public television.

Poland's authorities have recently initiated a series of moves to outlaw the promotion of homosexuality among the nation's children.

It is strange that a country can spend so much energy on the wrong things but I think it is even more strange that so many thinks that a handbag makes someone gay. I know a lot of gay men and only one of them have I ever seen carrying a handbag. Men carrying handbags are often transvestites and they are most often heterosexual. As so often the conservatives are not mainly afraid of homosexuality but of non-heteronormality.

Lite på svenska

So here's a post mostly in Swedish. I wrote a fictional letter and I don't think I can translate it to English but I know many of you know Swedish so here it is:

Min älskade

Nu ligger jag nedbäddad i din säng. Jag kommer hit varje dag och låter minnena av dig skölja över mig. Det var länge sedan de sista doftfragmenten av din underbara kropp försvann men jag letar ändå långsamt och noggrant mig fram med slutna ögon och tänker att om jag bara kan känna ett uns av din doft så finns du kvar här hos mig.

Hur kunde jag låta mig bli så hals över huvud förälskad i dig? Förtvivlan över att vi aldrig hann dela våra tankar om tiden innan. Tankarna om varandra under den första tiden tillsammans. Du vet hur man ofta en bit in i relationer går tillbaka och väver ihop minnena från de första stegen tillsammas. När visste du första gången att du var dragen till mig? Visste du redan när jag kom fram till dig den där första gången att jag redan fallit för dig? Visste du någonsin att jag redan innan vi sagt ett ord till varandra hade tappat fotfästet och var bortom all räddning?

Minns du när vi kysstes första gången? Det är klart att du gör. Men vet du hur det var för mig? Jag började tappa hoppet om att någonsin komma dig nära då du böjde dig fram och kysste mig. En stilla kyss, kanske bara ett kort farväl från din sida. Jag är så ledsen att jag aldrig fick berätta för dig hur du fick mig att för ett ögonblick glömma allt annat. Hur det bara var du och jag i hela världen. Inga bekymmer, inga sjukdomar, ingen annan någonstans. Det var bara du och jag kvar i hela världen.

Jag önskar att jag kunde sätta mig ner och berätta hur mycket den kyssen betydde för mig. Av alla ögonblick som byggt mitt liv är det den stunden som jag allra helst minns. I det ögonblicket var allt bara lycka.

Allt stannade upp.
Allt stannade kvar.

I den stunden vad vi de enda som fanns, de enda som räknades. Du var allt för mig och jag tror att jag var allt för dig

Men det är något jag aldrig kommer att få veta. Jag hoppas att du fick veta vad jag tänkte. Jag hoppas att du vet, verkligen vet, hur du stannade upp lela min tid, hela mitt jag. Men jag är rädd att du inte ens anar. Att det inte finns någon eller något som berättar allt det här för dig.

Det finns ingen doft kvar av dig i dag heller. Den här sängen är bara sängen du sov i, inte sängen du finns kvar i.

Min älskade, jag hoppas att jag får kalla dig min älskade. Visste du att jag älskade dig? Eller var vi bara en stund av verklighetsflykt och gemensamma drömmar för dig? När du kysste mig den första gången, kände du då också att hela världen stannade eller fyllde världen dig med skam och skuld över den börda du la på mig? Trodde du att du kunde välja om jag skulle älska dig eller inte? Trodde du att du la ditt ok på mig?

Min älskade, om jag har en önskan i mitt liv så är det att du får veta, verkligen veta, att det du gett mig var allt igenom min gläde att bära. Ingenting av det du lagt på mig var en börda. Om allt jag fått av dig var en kyss vore jag för evig tid glad. Nu fick jag oändligt mycket mer och varje dag är en dag då jag tackar gudarna att jag fick träffa dig.

När jag var barn berättade min farfar de mest fantastiska historier om tiden före vår, när magiska varelser härskade på vår jord och alla sagorna skrevs ner. Jag trodde att sagornas tid var förbi, att allt i vår tid var utan magi. Skulle inte varje väsen från alla tider avundas oss, alla tidigare historier blekna när vår blev berättad?

Den första kyssen du gav mig innan vår resa formade allt det jag är. Resten av vår saga gav oss mig alla nyanser till den tavla som nu är vårt liv. Du och jag. Allt något så stort kan vara så kort.

Varken du eller jag var perfekta. Ändå blev vi tillsammans det vackraste som någonsin funnits. Det som för evig tid kommer att eka mellan bergen. Sagan som alltid lever kvar.

Vi trodde båda att livet var över, vi trodde båda att allt var stora var för andra. Men det vi fick var den största av skatter. Att två liv kan få vävas ihop så nära, att två liv faktiskt kan bli ett. Det måste vara den största gåvan någonsin given samtidigt det som nu förbannat mig till att för evig tid vara halv.

Att ligga i dina armar och veta att jag var för evigt trygg. Att känna mig helt säker, helt trygg och allt igenom hel. Det var mer än jag någonsin kan önska.

När du låg där i min famn och hela världen var vår, när plötsligt en tår föll ner för din kind och landade på mitt bröst. Visst ville jag för alltid stanna kvar i min dröm men att få möta verkligheten med dig var en större smärta än jag kunde bära men samtidigt mer ljuvt än allt jag tidigare drömt om.

Jag önskar att du finns där ute och fått höra hur ren och klar min kärlek för dig var i ögonblicket då du berättade för mig. Jag minns med smärta den tystnad och den sorg jag kanske visade. Min vän. Min tystnad och stillhet var inte i på något sätt skapad av besvikelse. Den tid vi fick tillsammans fick aldrig smaka ett ögonblick av besvikelse.

Jag borde ha lyft upp dig i en virveldans, kysst dig och berättat högt och klart att jag var din. Men trots att jag bara låg där stilla och tyst fick jag vara din tills all din tid var slut. Min vän, min värld, mitt allt. Att våra dagar inte ens hann bli räknade. Att din tid redan var slut. Att jag ligger här och letar fragment av din doft i den säng där vår saga fick sitt slut. Att den sjukdom redan ägde allt so var du. Allt detta innan vi knappt fick börja vårt liv tillsammans.

Nu är du borta och jag ligger här. Med papper och penna du lämnat mig skriver jag ett brev som du aldrig kan läsa. Du och jag hade allt. Kanske var det därför vi aldrig kunde bli mer. Det var rätt redan från början. Nu ligger jag här i din säng som bara bär doften av mig och min desperata längtan efter mer av dig. Du är för alltid borta och jag är för evigt bara halv.

Make adverbs, not jokes

Last week I had a English class lead by a very nervous teachers student. He held a lesson on how to make adjectives into adverbs. Many if not everyone of us students had heard about this several times before but he was to nervous to notice that. In the end of the lesson we got a few adjectives to make adverbs out of by our selves for a few minutes and then he questioned us how we did. Still very nervous he didn't hear what we were answering and asked the same question over and over again.

Actual excerpt:

Teacher: If the adjective is hard, what is the adverb?
Me: Hard.
Teacher didn't hear me and continued: Did anybody write hardly?
Me: Hardly...
Teacher: But that is wrong Alex, the adjective is hard. Does anybody know what hardly means?
Me: Hardly.
Teacher: Yes, do you know what hardly mean?
Me: Hardly.
Teacher: Yes, do you know what it means?
Me: Almost not at all. I barely have an idea of what it means.

Teacher explains it in Swedish since he is sure I don't know.

Teacher: Can anyone make a adverb out of sarcastic?
Me: Sarcastically I can't.
Teacher: What?
Me: Sarcastically...
Teacher: That is correct, great Alex.

And so the lesson went on.

I am glad my term is coming to an end. I have just gotten a great job and might not be coming back to school this fall. But that is another post.

Spring-time happiness or just another post.

So right about now the fabulous mr Peterson Toscano is performing a stand-up performance in my town and I am sitting here at home missing out on it. Strangely that feels rather good. The reason why Im here and not there is because I have three kids I get to spend the evening with. Right now I am listening to Rufus Wainwrights new album Release the Stars and as soon as the kids are asleep I will watch a episode of one of my favorite TV-show with a glass of wine left over from the dinner we had yesterday with the whole apartment filled with people I like and love. No, I am not even close to complaining I just feel blessed.

I know I haven't been writing much here lately. That is mostly because my life has been crazy busy with the end of my term. My last final is tomorrow and than things might be slowing down. Another reason I am not writing as much is that much of what Im thinking about is on a personal level and I don't really know where I stand and then it can be even more confusing to write about it and share it with others.

Yesterday I finished my utredning/inqury that is obligatory to make a legal sex change in Sweden. I finished all of it except for this last step last spring and now I am finally finished with all of it. Now it is mostly waiting left. And a thousand other things. But it is a huge step and relief to be where I am now.

I have a thousand wishes regarding how my life could improve but at the same time I am so happy to be where I am now. More and more often I get the priceless feeling that I am just the person I should be right in the place I should be in.

Faliure

Yesterday I got some frustrating news.

In Sweden the equivalent to high school is called gymnasium. I did not graduate the gymnasium in my teens but dropped out. To be able to study at a higher level you have to graduate and get a diploma called slutbetyg - a name an English teacher student I had once translated not to final grade or school-leaving certificate but to slut grade.

The rules surrounding this slutbetyg is complicated and differs if you are young, have finished some high school or non at all. A couple of days ago I heard from another student that a rule I thought I had gotten right actually was different and that I then would not qualify for higher education after this term. So I went to the guidance office to seek some answer and was very relieved to learn that I had got the rule right. For a second or so I felt really good but then she looked closer on my report cards I brought and told me that I missed a required coarse. My last guidance council told me I didn't have to take that coarse but I learned that she probably thought I hadn't any previous high school and I do so the rules force me to take that coarse and now it is to late to do this term so there is no chance of going to the university this fall.

I felt so stupid for not double check the first info I got. If I had known this earlier it wouldn't have been any problem. It is a coarse I wanted to take every term but it never really worked well with my schedule.

The problem for me now is not that I have to take this coarse. The problem is that I completely lost motivation and inspiration to finish this term. I have been on reserve energy for a while and now I just feel empty.

I got a profound sense of worthlessness and meaninglessness I didn't go to todays class even if I really need them. Tomorrow is my first final and I know I will go but I feel like such a failure even in advance so I doubt it will go well. It's the first of two English class finals and it is 90 minutes of essay writing. It will probably result in me writing even less on this blog for a while. The main reason for my infrequent posts here is my English class and getting language "skills" graded. I should focus my energy onto something I do well instead. Unfortunately I haven't found much of that. My talents are above average in much areas but I am not really good at anything.

I detest our school system right now. I am so stupid but the system seems to be even more stupid. I have studied so much and so hard and I scored so high on the högskoleprov, our national university aptitude test and still I can't get in because of a short and irrelevant coarse I will never need for knowledge just for the qualification. It is a science coarse and I will study history and philosophy.

Graduation seems to be for others than me. But I know I will finish it. I have failed enough and I got more than enough of stubborn genes and I will do this. I just have to get the frustration out on something and now it gets to be you.

Mom, don't get worried, I am just sad and frustrated. Many things are very good as well. The spring is coming at last. If you squint you hardly see any ice on the shore in this photo on our Nydalasjön

Grown up, grown cynical or just changed.

Today my daughters had a friend over to play. That was the first time they brought home a friend by them self since we moved up here more than 3 months ago. I am happy to learn that they make new friends here at the block. The friend seems nice.

The first thing I did was to go to the kitchen and clean up a bit and then pick up a few things that was lying on the floor. I thought the familiar thought "why is it always a mess at home?" and then I remembered how it was about a year ago. Everything in the sink was from the last meal we ate. Last year I was happy if the sink even was showing under all the mess. Today I picked up 5-10 things from the floor and nothing was left. A year ago 5-10 things wouldn't had made a big difference at all.

It is not that I have a spotless home, not at all. We still have a entire living room filled with junk, cartons, clutter and it is not at all moved into. But the rooms we have moved into is in rather good shape.

But still. When someone came over I got the exact same feeling of messy guilt as I got 1 or 10 years ago. What was normal then is not normal to me now. What is normal to me now was unthinkable to much work with a one-year-old and much less energy.

5 years ago we was conservative Christians starting up a Vineyard Church in a city far, far away. What was normal for me then seems so far away now. If I had known what would come I don't know what I would have done. I think that I would have regarded myself as a transitioned male living in the relation I do as the worst nightmare possible. Now I think of that time as so painful and soul-limiting and spiritually smothering. I feel so much more alive now and it feels like I can breath more freely (not only because I just vacuumed most of the apartment something seldom done back then). I wasn't very mainstream conservative Christian then. I was very annoying saying and doing things people questioned but mostly I questioned everything. I wondered what the Bible said and how to live by it and my leaders gave me good answers for a while and when they didn't have any more answers they just said "good question, lets pray together about that" and I was called prophet and leader because I dared to question as long as I did it in the right way.

Now I ask as many questions but I do not do it in the same way. I question things that we agreed was unquestionable. I am no longer a role model but a heretic and danger. I am someone to keep children away from.

What is it that makes me so dangerous now? Besides from gender and other outside changes I think that the danger mostly is this: I now question how I should live to embrace myself and regard that as a positive thing. 5 years ago "me" and "myself" was almost dirty words. The question had to be how to live by The Word or how to spread the Kingdom, how to save more souls. To focus on me and to feel good was just plain foolishness.

Speak about foolishness...

When I see my children play with their new friend I feel so happy. Why? It is simple, because they seem happy. If they are happy I am happy. I am a parent and of course I enjoy it when they grow and learn new things and get new nice friends. Some times it is a bit more complex but when it comes down to it that is how it is. I can not understand how I thought God would be happy if I did things against my will to please God. I am very happy that life took me here. Even if I surly know much less now than I did 5 years ago. Back then I new a lot and had a opinion on everything. Now I don't , but now I now how to enjoy the days as never before and at the same time at least ever other week have a rather nice apartment at the same time.

(last week I was kitty-sitter for my friends J&J:s cats Ester and Pius. They are about 7 months (I think -- bad kitty-sitter don't remember))

My first EDM challenge

This is my first contribution to the weekly EDM challenge. A community I got interested in by my sister who have done several EDM challenges and have them on her blog Depict.

EDM #114 "Draw something ugly that you love for it's sentimental value,
journal about the object."

It is also the first time I use a dip pen and ink instead of regular pens.

Patient

So I had surgery 10 days ago. Nothing major and nothing minor. Or maybe both major and minor. The OR was cancelled 13 hours before I was supposed to check myself in. Besides the immediate frustration to get a phone call canceling something I just drove 500 miles to do I was disapointed on a deeper level and I felt really broken. I have waited for almost two years to get this chest surgery and I have always told myself it is no big deal but just practical to get it done so I don't have to care about binders and stuff. But when I got the call telling me it was canceled I got beyond sad and maybe close to mad. But magic happened and I got my surgery. It went fine and the first day was tough pain wise but now I have no pain left. I am just tired and the scars itch as it heals.

Just one tiny complication. One of my nipples doesn't get what it wants and is a bit cranky. I have been to the ER three times the last three days and had several phone calls and now most people involved agrees that it is no infection and just bad circulation and hopefully rest of my body can share some blood and the tissue can start to heal. It is a very different feeling to look down on a body part and see how it turnes blue, purple and now black just hoping that something good will happen and that it will not die and fall off. I have some good blood, why can't I force my body to just share some more with the nipple? It is so easy to think that you are in charge of your body. This is my body I decide where the blood goes! If it wasn't ice on every lake I would seriously go looking for leeches. I am not good at just sitting and waiting to see if pieces of me will heal or fall off.

Tomorrow morning the eastern weekend is over and I will contact the plastic surgery clinic at the huge local teaching hospital and I hope that the step from ER:s to regular wards at regular hours get more rewarding comments than "that looks bad but there's nothing we can do". But mostly happy I don't have any pain. I feel free and n the right track. To annoy any (every) American trans person I can tell you that the total cost for my surgery, the three er-consultations and the many phone-calls up till now have reached a total of 0 kr. That is about $0 in your currency. The bright side of our almost socialism. Well I have spent some money on gas to get to the hospitals and the same almost socialism makes the gas cost more than twice as much here. To be fair I have spent 300-400 kr/~$50 on antibiotics and Panodil/Panadol. But now I have reached the limit for how much I have to pay on prescribed medications this year. Free health care for everyone is better than good.

Now I have to post this and jump in the shower. The kids and I have eastern break for a week and now when the clock has turned 8.50 am they think I am almost evil not having done anything funny yet. Not to mention how deeply unjust it is that the store we have plans on going to not opens before 10. How on earth could my offspring become early birds?

Did I want to become a man?

"So you have always wanted to be a guy?" The question is as far as I know inevitable. Almost always I go the easy way and give people the answer they are looking for. "Yes, for as long as I can remember, at least since I was 4" They often nod and says something like "wow" and act surprised even if it is just the answer they where looking for.

What people often want is that things or people outside of the norm still is at least some what predictable. We strive for all our life to minimize the unknown around us. I think it is a profound human thing to do. I do it as well. I know how people react to my standard answers to most questions. So I give the easy ones.

Have I always wanted to be a guy? Absolutely not! Most of my life I have used all my energy trying to be a woman. I have not wanted anything as much as I have wanted to be a woman and stop having my unwanted male identity.

My partner Noa is left-handed. Has he always wanted to be wired that way? Probably not. It is not a big deal but it is rather impractical and it would have been easier to write without smudging with his right. But he is not right-handed even if it seems smarter considering the consequences. He just is. No why or how questions answered he just write better with the left hand.

I did a good job as a woman, most people that knew me then can assure you. Mostly I am the exact same person now as then with just some slightly changes.

A few days ago I did a change that seems major to many. I did my chest surgery after years of binding. For my identity it is not a big change. Personally it is just a way to avoid the physical pain of binding and because the breast only felt in the way and gave me an unnatural feeling hard to explain. My big change was when people I met started to see me as the man I am. As the man I think I was born to be.

When I decided to transition it was not because I wanted to be a man, it was that I had no energy left for trying to be a woman. I know many think I did a splendid job but for me being a man or a woman is something deeper than appearance. I know many that do not feel that they have to be labeled as man nor woman but I am not one of them. I have tried but that is just not who I am.

The last year I have more and more learned that I do not only accept myself as male but like myself. I have more energy then before and learn new things about myself every day. One of the things I still learning is the fine and hard balance between choosing who and what you are and accepting the same. That is not a easy thing. I can choose much in life to some extend but others are forced upon me. I could choose to try to make a carrier in singing and it would go terrible. I can't hold a tune. But I sure have other blessings and pieces that in the end is what is me.

To express myself as male is one piece in my puzzle that seemed so wrong and frightening at first but at the same time inevitable. Now when I have accepted this piece I am more and more happy about it and embrace it but at the same time it is getting a less and less deal for me. When I meet new people (and out my transgendership) my genderhistory always is something that they define by. For me that is not that important. Things I wounder about is the pieces important to me right now. How to be a good (or at least ok) parent, how to live in relationships and even rules regarding derivative and my math class is more central in what defines me at the moment.

Another thing I have learned maybe from being transgendered and so "abnormal" is how both very alike and very different we all are. Just as the Friday monsters most of us share the same fears of being rejected or too odd. At the same time there are so very different situations and dilemmas that scares us. It is both remarkable and beautiful. Diversity is beautiful and enriching but knowledge has to be a part of it. Without knowledge hate and fear grows and we only accept when people answers with the answer we expect them to.

If I would just answer "no" to the next person asking me if I always wanted to be a man it would rise some eyebrows. If I give them the time to explain myself and provide some knowledge the understanding between us would be far better than if I just answered "yes". But if I would just say "no" and not go any further people would probably think I was crazy or lie. Because they "know" what the supposed right answer should be to that question and if I would answer wrong and not explain myself the fear of the unknown would drive us more apart.

Sometimes I would like to have the long and correct answer to all the regular questions in a easy format where people asking the same question for the thousand time could get a clue of who I am. Ohh, wait. Isn't this blog just that? :)

Exhausted

When I woke up today I had an e-mail waiting from my social studies teacher telling me no major corrections had to be made in my paper about UN and terrorism that was due to day at noon. So I did a few changes and handed it in more than an hour before deadline. 14 pages and I was totally exhausted. Not the best of times to be tired because not even two hours later I had the incredibly fun honor to have a class of teacher students at the university forced to listen to me for over two and a half hour. It was a requirement for them to be there and they was a bit negative at the beginning but at the end the questions came flowing and I had no chance to answer them all in just a few hours. But I feel rather drained now. I sat down for a minute and planned to do two lab reports to my science class (deadline tomorrow morning 9 a.m). But instead I had to do something with my hands and I feel to tired to paint so I sew curtains to the kids playroom. Very cute green fabric with spiders which made the kids force me to sing Itsy Bitsy Spider 50 times altering between English and Swedish.

Tomorrow morning I have to be up by 6.30 to write that lab reports and Wednesday I first have a vocabulary test for two hours followed by a oral presentation of my terrorism paper.

I will sleep very well this weekend!

Next week I will be out of town for a while. I will undergo some surgery on Tuesday and any prayers, thoughts and/or good vibrations will be appreciated. I am sorry for not posting as much as I want. I have had some problems with time, life and getting it all together. Today my 6-year old told me she is happy that I am not as angry as I use to be and that feels good. I have had a few rough weeks but now but I do feel better now.

Tried and failed on the friday monster

Didn't have any time to do a monster for today this week. I have had too much work and some private issues to deal with. On top of that we have had a painter here to hang some new wallpaper in four rooms and that stole some energy as well.

Today I had a meeting with a teacher about a paper I am writing for next Monday. Only 10 days left made me a bit nervous but I got some extra minutes to do a sketch for a monster. When I came home it was ruined by some water even though it is waterproof ink in the pen I used. So I take it that this will be a monster free week. So this is not a friday monster but just a ruined skech:






Now I have to write my paper about the U.N.s definition of terrorism and how their work changed with 9/11 and how hard it is for 192 countries to compromise and agree on one definition on terrorism. Everybody thinks terrorism is wrong. Nobody agrees on what terrorism is. Fun, interesting but it will take some time. Fortunately I have until next Monday. Or so I thought until I met my teacher who told me it is this Monday in three days we have our deadline. I have some serious reading and writing to do.