across and beyond

I'm on my way

2008-01-31T09:48:00.001+01:00

http://paraflax.wordpress.com/

Things I've learned

2008-01-12T10:32:00.001+01:00

I have had some serious problems with Blogger. One post disappeared and another changed in a weird way. Sorry about that.

On another blog I found my way to this list from Eric Zorn with things he have learned during his 50 years of life.

I got inspired and tried to do a list of my own. Even if I haven't lived very long yet it seemed fun. If I'm as young and dumb as I suspect I will have a lot of fun in 22 years when I can do a list as long as his.

If don't even you know yourself it's very hard for others to get to know you.
To learn to accept the things you cannot change and to get the courage to change the things you can takes wisdom that needs hard work. With that kind of work many failures will come along your way. But without it failure might be all you get.
Dream about your future. That makes for a good start when figuring out what is realistic to do with your time.
Keep track of your many dreams for your future. If you do so you will get surprised by how many that comes true.
Learn how to do one fine dinner from scratch every year. Something you haven't cooked before. Anyone can learn to cook one fine dinner in one year and after a couple of years you have a lot to choose from if you want or need to cook. If you don't cook you still have given your creativity a boost.
Learn the basic chemistry of the human body. You are a lot more than just hormones and chemistry but if you learn about them hormones you will get a short cut to the rest of yourself.
Dance more often! It is never to late and always to little. If it is in ballroom at a castle, on a club or in your room with closed curtains makes little difference. The importance lies in getting to know en enjoy your body.
Throw or give away one piece of clothing for every new one you buy.
To become angry, sad, disappointed and mad is easy but it takes a lot of practice and analyzing to get good at it. To keep a journal to write in during the peak of such emotions and go back when your are in a good place is a very effective way of learning how you really work.
Focus on finding the questions that you carry instead of finding their answers. You'll get farther than you think by just knowing what you wonder about. However, focusing on finding the answers will certainly slow you down.
If you can read this, you are more rich and more educated than most people in the world.
Wisdom and close friends might be the most valuable things in life. None of them can be bought or forced, but both will come for free if you work on being honest, open, trustworthy and admit your mistakes and learn from them. Note that you don't have to succeed in all that, just really work on it.
Lists makes things seem easier then they really are. Without lists things often gets harder then they really are.
Write a really honest journal at least once in a while. If you're to paranoid/disappointed/scared to keep it then destroy it after you've written it. The process of writing is the important part.
You are more beautiful than you think you are.
Most of the people in the world think where you live and how you live are exotic and foreign.
Take care of your health. It is so much easier taking care of an existing one than buying a new one later.
Family is much more than just blood bonds. It is living together sharing life and usually gets better the more you do just that, live and share.
Being normal is not normal. Very few people are what is looked upon as normal.
Make a budget and stick to it. Keeping track of your money really is worth it. It takes to much time later on not doing it.
Understand that most of the times you run away you're trying to run away from yourself.
During the state of fear the brain isn't physically able to think critically
Lies will bring loneliness.
Honesty, respect and openness will open doors and bring you to very interesting places.
Both living in the way that is right for you and in ways that are wrong for you are both exhausting but in different ways. But only one of them brings freedom.
When people talk about others being embarrassing or ridiculous it tells you nothing but how ashamed they are themselves.
Do listen to your elders. Life teaches good lessons and they have much knowledge you might need. It takes to long to figure out life on your own.
Listen to yourself.

So Blogger might file this away too but if you got to here. I wish you a very interesting new year!

2007-12-28T20:10:00.000+01:00

Today I got a mail from my doctor telling me I had to reapply for my sex-change once again. So now it is get again 4-9 months until I become a real citizen again.

By some reason I got really shaken up by Benazir Bhutto's death. It left an unproportional hole in my stomach. Than later on that day someone I really care about got ill for a while and that made me very worried and (what ever the word for that feeling you get when someone you love hurts. It must have a special word since it is such a specific feeling. But I don't know a word neither in Swedish nor English).

Stupid last 24 hours!

The only good thing I can see in all this buer bear byer beauracracy mess is that I have grown an incredible amount of empathy towards every illegal immigrant. To live without any real possibility to identify yourself is just crazy in this socialistic controlling country.

I'm a tad bitter today. But it will pass. Ohh, it seems like it did the moment I wrote it. Well, then I have nothing more to blog about. Everything is alright now.

I am very easily pleased during the holidays. But soon and very soon it will be all normal again and I'll be back!

Hollywood came to me, or?

2007-12-26T18:32:00.000+01:00

So today my American friend arrived. That is all nice an so. But I have met him before (at least most of his personalities). But the biggest thing today was actually when he came and did something he took out his wallet and there I saw something strange. In his wallet there was real American dollars. And yes, as you read this I know you will question that I am adult but that was actually the first time ever I realized that American dollars isn't just a make up thing from all the movies and TV I have watched during my life.

I don't think any American or other native English speaking person can get that feeling I just got. As children we look at cartoon made in the US dubbed to Swedish. Almost all movies are in English with Swedish subtitles. Since few of us knows to read at early age we don't get much of the dialog but learn a lot of English sounds. Then in school at age 10 when I grew up and usually at age 7 nowadays we start to learn English for real. So much of our culture is media based and so very much of the media is from USA.

I have seen us dollars all my life - on TV, in movies, printed on clothes and everything. But up until today I have never seen any real physical money. It was such a strange feeling. Maybe it's for real that country of much strangeness over there. Maybe New York is a real town, maybe George W Bush isn't just made up to be a good source of jokes for Comedy Central. I had to touch the dollars, smell them and try to rip them apart a bit just to really understand they were for real.

I guess I have always known allt that but still I have just sort of assumed it was all fiction. I never thought there was any real people getting their salary in actual dollar. It might have been an actual kid that got their allowance with this dollars that I'm now holding in my hand. Not just kids looking at the TV seeing fictional kids getting their bucks.

Now that important gap between real and fake is starting to fade away. What is for real? Who am I?

As soon as I have my legal issues with my sex change all finished I am going to get myself a passport and going over there! I need to get me some real experiences beyond this.

Midwinter and love ramble

2007-12-22T20:17:00.000+01:00

The shortest day has once again passed and lighter days are on its way!

Found a blog I didn't know of earlier today. The author is also a member of a fairly new Swedish association for transgendered issues called KIM I am a bit involved in.

http://genderwarrior.blogspot.com/

I will read it through now while I am drinking my julmust. Julmust is a Swedish x-mas soft drink that is so good it makes Coca Cola drop their sales with 50% here. During December 50% of the soft drinks we buy is julmust.

Tomorrow the sun will set one minute later and in a couple weeks there will be no problem saying when sunrise ends and sunset starts.

I mentioned recently me and my primary partner N was in an article in a local Swedish Christian paper. We was on the cover and the only heading set on it was "Störst av allt är kärleken" - Greatest of them all is love.

I have been thinking a lot about what love is in general but since I read that cover I have gone back to my questions regarding love. I am portraited as someone who knows love and still I have very little clue.

In the chapter from 1 co that Paul tells us love is greatest he describe love like this "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

Apart from Paul I have only heard this describtion of love from abused women. "I do love him and I will always protect him and I will always hope he will change". I hope my daughters will never look upon love as something where they shouldn't keep record of wrongs. Everyone should do that I think. Yeah, sometimes it is good to ignore that record but in the long run you have to get stats on that record that works out.

I don't stay with N because of the kind of list Paul made. I just can't imagine that any life without him would be as good as the one with him. If we take Pauls list:

Love...

…is patient
…is kind
…does not envy
…does not boast
…is not proud
…does not dishonor others
…is not self-seeking
…is not easily angered
…keeps no record of wrongs
…does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
…always protects
…always trusts
…always hopes
…always perseveres.

To talk about love as a being of it's own is a good way of Paul to just weird it up a bit but still. How do we have it on these points? After nine years this isn't my look upon it.

…is patient. I would say the opposite. With people I don't know I have a rather good patience. When it comes to the people I love I am very impatient. Impatient to meet them soon, impatent for them to do nice and smart things frequently.
…is kind. Sure. Love gives some kindness. But I am most certainly never as cruel to people I don't love as the ones I love.
…does not envy. That is just plain silly. When we hear of jealousy love is almost always in the picture. I am not proud of my envy of all the life goodies N has that I don't but it is there and will always be. But I have to say that I like that he has so many envious sides.
…does not boast. There I can almost agree. At least after a couple of years together I don't feel much need to boast. It's just no point. We are too much of the same person.
…is not proud. Proud is such a hard word. I am proud of him and our relationship. At least most of the time. But I understand it isn't that kind of proud he was talking about.
…does not dishonor others. Maybe Love don't but I do from time to time.
…is not self-seeking. Who looks for love without self-interests?
…is not easily angered. I don't think I am the only one out there to be the most angry at the one I love most.
…keeps no record of wrongs. No formal records of course but yeah, I try to keep in mind how we suck and when.
…does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Here I'm sort of in agreement with him. Evil is just evil. Truth is nice, hard but have obvious perks.
…always protects. Well yes. I think love have a tendency to make us protect each other. But I don't see that as a good side of love. When I get treated badly I mostly swallow it and feel shitty. I have tried getting better of not protecting and that little truth part just makes all the difference.
…always trust. Not at all. At some periods in our life I have had very little trust. Trust gets built and torn down by other stuff than love. There are many people I trust that I have no love towards. There are some I love deeply but doesn't trust much. Love and trust in a fluffy combo is always sweet but not always a given.
…always hopes. Maybe I agree here too. At least in the long run.
…always perseveres. Well, not always and is it a good thing? It is so easy to forget what is best in the long run and just persistent hang in there. To fight just because it is the right thing to do without really defining what's the goal and why.

I might have a very pragmatic view on love. But what has been our way of finding love and safety in our life together hasn't been that stupid list. Besides from a bunch of fluffy feelings to begin with it has been a rather simple rule to write and almost impossible to follow: To talk about everything. If things makes us happy we talk about it. If stuff makes us sad, mad or just uncomfortable we talk about it. We talk for hours and hours every week about seemingly meaningless stuff about how we feels but in the longterm that makes us know each other extremely well. It is beyond bonding.

But it is all about that communication. As soon as we stop talking about everything our knowledge about each other don't improve and the bonds loosens up. Love doesn't offer much when communication isn't there. At least it just makes me build up my own image of him and when the real version and my image crashes it hurts and creates loneliness regardless of physical distance. With lots of open communication prevents that sort of crashes a strong togetherness grows and the fluffy stuff grows.

That sounds all nice and are easy when the open communication is about how great everything is and how beautiful eyes you have. But from time to time life is about other stuff. Jealousy, disappointment, uncertainty and such are not that easy and socially encouraged to talk about at the end of the day. But just do it anyways. At least for me any feelings in that area grows fast if I keep it to myself and mostly just disappears if I bring it out in the light.

So, no. Love doesn't conquer everything. Honesty does. And it kind of builds love. Love is great but I have my bet on honesty. And love doesn't at all equals honesty.

So there is my midwinter love ramble. Next time I will write more fun stuff. I think. All i know for sure is that the sun will show for one more minute tomorrow.

A vacation anyone?

2007-12-21T17:54:00.000+01:00

I like Sweden. In many ways. But I wouldn't say that I'm proud of it. Here's one reason why I will never be proud:

From the local paper vk.se

Umebo dömd för sexövergrepp på dottern

Två års fängelse blir domen för en umebo i 40-årsåldern som förgripit sig sexuellt på sin egen dotter. Men tingsrätten var inte enig.

Mannen ska vid flera tillfällen ha utfört sexuella handlingar med sin fyraåriga dotter. Bland annat har mannen låtit flickan utföra oralsex.

I won't translate it much because I like you but it is about a man here in my town who today got his ruling for sexually assaulting his own four year old daughter. Amongst other things he forced her to perform oral sex on him. Yes, she was four. It was her father. What does he get? Two years in prison. And that will probably become a lot less if he behaves.

Theoretically we focus a lot on rehabilitation in our jails. The prisons have one person cells with a bed, a desk, a window with curtains, a board to put up posters and cards on the wall and a TV. Many prisoners gets a video game to pass the time. They have to work or finish basic education in there and by securing the basic needs with safety, good food and a nice place to feel at home in the grounds for rehabilitation should be high. Sure I want allt he criminals to turn good but still. Two years? The kid will still be a small child then...

A year ago or so there was a discussion if there would be possible to keep sex offenders in prisons from porn and they agreed to stop the porn channels on TV and porn in common spaces but they decided that it would be unethical to take away the private porn from prisoners and as long as they keep it in their desks and don't bother others.

One prison actually took the matter in their own hands and took away the porn from one rapist in their prison and the prisoner reported it and went all the way to the Supreme Administrative Court who ruled in favor of the prisoner.

I can't understand how the government doesn't view porn consumption for a rapist as something disturbing rehabilitation.

Since we are a country in agreement of never disagree we can't discuss it either. Everyone gets to be sad in silence but shame on anyone who speaks up.

This makes me beyond sad.

A lot of other stuff makes me less sad. I have now been on T for two years. Tomorrow is midwinter and we will start our journey to lightness. Now there is a couple of hours of sunrise, two-three hours when the sun comes up over the tree tops if you're in the right place and then sundown. I'm not in the right place so I can never see the sun up above the horizon if I'm at home and there is just this long sunrise that every day just fail totally and the darkness wins. I will come back when the sun does.

Mission Accomplished!

2007-12-20T18:22:00.000+01:00

A month ago i did the annual obligatory bilbesiktning. It is a yearly car inspection we have where they check everything on your car, the amount of rust in important places, that all the lights work, that you're not having to bad exhausts and such. I think it's a good thing. Every car has to be in really good shape at least once a year.

This is the third year we have had a car and also the third car we have had. It is always a bit scary to besiktiga a new car because you sort of get to know if you were tricked when you bought it or not. But every important part of the car was in good shape. But some light bulbs were broken and one headlight aimed to high so it might dazzle the cars I meet.

I bought new light bulbs some days later and changed them but waited with the headlight. That needed tools and I was lazy. Today was the last day to fix it before the car would be illegal to drive so I took my toolbox and went down to the car with the thought it would take me ten minutes. After ten times ten minutes I gave up and went inside and did a first for me. I called a mechanic. I went down and got it fixed and read a flyer telling me that they could tell the bilprovning that the problems were fixed as long as they had the inspection report from bilprovningen. Unfortunately I had that at home and my car in the shop at the time but some sweet talking with the cashier gave me my keys back before I paid to drive home to the other part of the town to get the inspection report and drive back to pay it all and get it approved.

When I showed it to them they correctly told me that they had only changed the headlight and not the bulbs that were in the report. Yeah, that was only light bulbs, I changed them myself. Well, then they couldn't help me because they had to do the changes themselves. I asked how much it would cost me to make them do it again and actually change my already changed bulbs to new new ones to know that they were new but they declined. I was actually willing to pay them to charge me new bulbs but only go out to the car 5 meters away but they refused. Stupid businessmen! So I had to drive a mile to the bilprovning and check my car there.

Four hours of my life I wont get back. But I managed to keep it legal to drive with my car.

But the shitty day soon changed. One of the best blogs here in town is written by the fabulous MJ Bliss and after following her blog for a long time we finally met up for a fika and she was as fun irl ans on her blog. Why does almost every new and fun people I meet in this town come from out of town? That is a strange thing about this place.

My long time readers might remember that the single reason to start this blog was to practise my English. My first posts took hours and hours with the dictionary and now I rarely use the dictionary at all and writes what ever comes to my mind. So I think I might have reached my goal. Especially after today when she gave me the greatest compliment on that part. Until we met she took me for a native English speaker. I haven't even been to any English speaking country (yet). She also gave me a bag of delicious chocolate covered almonds!

Even though she knows Swedish we spoke in English the whole fika and it was only a few times I had to put in some Swedish word that I didn't find the right English one. But at the other hand that happens to me a lot in Swedish too. That a English word comes up before the right Swedish one.

So, then and there I decided to never make any excuses for my English skills anymore. Yeay me!

Now I have to go cook some dinner. The kids last day in school this term gets celibrated with their favorite food and the Swedish national lagom fancy food - tacos. If you ever get to visit a Swedish family eating something to celebrate anything and it isn't pay weekend (we get our salary once a month and almost everybody the same date) it is very lightly it is tacos. It wouldn't surprise me if Swedes eats more tacos than Swedish meatballs. But tonight is the kids night and they decide. I'm just their humble servant. For one night every term at least.

I took some photos of the kids, the gingerbread house and other stuff for the blog but my stupid computer refuses to connect with my phone since a few months so no more photos for you... (yeah I know I have a camera in the computer, and two real digital cameras on my desktop but that is not the point!)

Not another update

2007-12-18T17:39:00.001+01:00

God Jul or whatever holiday you may celibrate or avoid!

I have a short brake from decorating gingerbread house 2 and 3. We're having a x-mas orgie here.

For the first time since I moved away from home I am spending x-mas at home. I wonder why we didn't think about that earlier. A lot of my holiday stress is gone when we don't have to plan far away traveling.

We also skipped most of the gifts and other parts of the tradition that I don't like much. The other parts that I do like I enjoy a lot more.

I can recommend that a lot.

But Alex. you might think, why are you talking about that? Make amends for blogfading, explain it and promise to never let it go more than a couple of days between posts like last year!

I don't do well with rules and that rule of having to feel bad for not blogging on my own blog is not really something I will do.

When I started blogging my big focus were spiritual and philosophical wonders regarding transition, non-normality and other stuff that I feel have a great point in being talked about in the open.

When I started to accept myself more and more those questions faded and other questions started to arise. The new questions were stuff I liked to keep for myself. Not really secrets but stuff I didn't want input on from others because I needed to build a foundation for myself first.

Another part is that many of my questions now will keep changing your view on me and I feel like I have put yall through enough already.

Being transgendered is hard in many ways. But in some ways it isn't. Since it isn't a choice but forced upon us and there is no other healthy way to handle it than to accept it and learn to live with it. I often meet people that think it has to do with morality or spirituality but I don't think so. At least for me transition was necessary to keep me (get me) sane.

So here's my warning. You will probably not approve with much that I will write. I don't do well with just writing about how many gingerbread houses I have done so when I write my values and thoughts will come up. Even if they don't fit.

I haven't read this since I don't read stuff about me ->
In Swedish: http://www.tidningenspira.com/artikel.php?id=455

So where where we?

2007-11-26T22:45:00.000+01:00

Back in the autumn I had this idea that I was going to get back to blogging. I did a monster a thursday many weeks ago and thought I was going to put it up the day after, but obviously I didn't. But here it is.

Then the migraines came. I don't know why yet but we have our theories that some other medications are making them come and kick me down. It hasn't been a week without them for a looong time now. There are a bunch of obvious bad things about that. Obviously! If you don't get that just check migraines up in a dictionary. Besides the pain I just can't do anything. Can't work, can't write much, don't have the creativity to paint. The don't being able to work part has been very frustrating since I am in a place where I both have and love my job. But, besides the bad stuff there are some good things with this illness. First of all I have stopped with almost every bad habit I have. I smoked some earlier but since nicotine can trigger an attack I stopped. I have stopped regularly drinking caffeine, drinking alcohol and eating chocolate. I almost only eat really healthy and I exercise and treat myself good. I hope that will make some difference soon or that our slow health care system will help me some more.

But there have been several good days too. But not enough time to really reload my batteries. So I can't really write anything with substance. So I fill it out with some happiness in two photos taken between attacks. The first snow a couple of weeks ago and the most recent niece.

Scattered Showers

2007-10-20T23:29:00.000+02:00

Hi. Remember me? I have some new urls and don't even know if my old rss-feed will bring you here. Well. If it don't I will just write to my self and that I'll guess is alright as well.

Any questions about the loss of http://acrossandbeyond.blogspot.com/ will be kindly ignored. I will not recognize stupidity it takes to explain that change.

Now I can be found at http://alex.resare.com/ if anybody wants me. Alex as in my first name, Resare as in my surname and Com as in I would sell my soul for dime if anybody offered to buy it.

I rearranged my living room today. I didn't use it at all. I don't know if I buy the feng shui-thing but I didn't like the vibe in here earlier and just didn't go in here if I didn't have to. Since our living room is kind of huge it seemed kind of stupid not to use it at all so tonight I moved everything around. I don't know how I feel about it now but it is not worse at least.

When I moved around the book shelfs across the room I found a collections of poems my grandfather made in the end of his life. The first time I saw it was on his funeral. The title is "Spridda skurar" the Swedish term for scattered showers. My first honest project about my life was called "Cloudy With Sunny Spells". I guess we had a few things in common me and my grandpa.

We lived together for a few years. It was a time when my father in long periods of time was away on buisness, my mom was working hard. It was a time where I felt very lonely. After a happening I call the ironing situation that changed.

When I as a 6 or 7 years old was accused by someone of stealing an iron (I was obviously innocent, the few things I have stolen in my life was far more logical, fun and/or exiting than an iron). I won't tell the whole story now but it was a rough time in my life when I thought I was a burdon to everyone and felt incredibly in the way everywhere and as an unneccesary part of my family.

In the ending of the Iron situation it came down to the moment when the three adults in my life at the moment: my grandmother, my grandfather and my mother all were fighting about me. My mom telling the other two I was too nice to do anything stupid, my grandmother talking about how smart and confident I was and my grandfather telling the others It didn't matter who had done what - I was a child and just needed love and care. I was very encouraged by that. Moments earlier I had felt terrible but just in this moment I realized all three of them had very high thoughts of me even if it came out in very different ways.

As told I was just 6 or 7 years old. I am not entirely sure what happened. But I am sure my grandfather said something that changed me.

Since I was a child the focus wasn't what I had done or not done in this situation. I just needed love and care. I desperatly needed to hear someone telling me just that. And he told me. Not to my face, I am not sure I even was in the room. It was between adults but he said it and I heard. That changed everything in my life as things likely does at that age..

He was there when my parent couldn't.

Now when I am grown up with two girls on my own in the same age I admire that even more. I know how incredible impossible it can be to give support and knowledgeable love at that age.

So here I am sitting here with his poems in my hands. I feel sadened by the fact that I never told him how very much he meant to me. But where we grew up feelings like that was never discussed as far as I heard. I hope he knew were he had me anyways.

Something he gave me during our years together is something that will last for many years to come. Both my mother and my siblings seems to get my father in a way that I have never understood. My grandfather gave me the tools to see both who I am myself and who my father am and how he loves me.

It was never discussed openly but he often told me stories about my father and they most often showed how he went the extra mile to care for someone or something without any words. He gave me many keys I needed.

One of the poems in this booklet I have here are called Rust Free Love. I had heard this one before I got the collection on his funeral. I remembered how he read it to my grandmother on their 50th anniversary. This in a place where men where though and feelings often kept to one self. This is a rough translation:

We have endeavoured together for many years.
My hair has fallen off
Your hair have turned gray

Of all the grand plans I made
are just splinters and gravel left

I wanted to build a large house
for us and our children to live in
It only became a half built shed.

I wanted to give you a rose, a flaming red,
but I hurt my finger on the rose's thorn.
It only got to be a stain on a paper napkin.

I wanted to deliver an honest I'm so thankful
But I stumbled on the syllables
It only came out as an hesitant Umm..

Still it happens
You slip your hand in mine
and whisper:
My friend, I am yours, just yours.

I hope he knew that even if I never was there by his side, I loved that he was always on mine. How he years after he has passed away still helps me figuring out myself through his words and life.

When I was in the (weird) situation that I had to decide a name for my self it was his name I chose. It wasn't even a decision. I wanted to grab hold of something of his.

Today when I rearranged the furnitures I had to get a some help from my daughters. One of them said with the utter most respect in her voice Wow dad, you're almost as strong as grandpa.

I love that they get him and have the same look in their eyes when they talk about my father I have when I talk about his father. It is strange but good. I wonder if they need him to get me in the same way that I needed grandpa. Life is strange and interesting. We'll se what happens.

I like the new arranged living room. My kids are finally asleep. This day is over, my blogging isn't.

peace and quiet

2007-08-03T20:10:00.001+02:00

I haven't been good at updating my blog this summer as the brave few readers still left probably have noticed. The thing is that I'm not in blog mode when the kids are home from school and the summer tend to do that with kids. Ergo no posts until fall.

Last week was spent with my partners family. This summer has been very wet (rain-wet not liquor-wet) and most of the time at the in-laws was spent on one of their huge porches with thousands (ok, not really, but probably at least a hundred) pelargoniums/geraniums. Here is one of the ones that got caught under my pen and brush and the veranda it was placed on.

My mother-in-law has a very beautiful garden with a magnificent view over the Viskan river valley. Viskan is a "river" known by everyone that has attended Swedish schools. Every single student have to learn the names of the rivers Lagan, Nissan, Ätran, Viskan by learning the phrase Lagar Ni, Äter Vi (If you cook we will eat). There is nothing strange with students that have to learn a few rivers in school. The only surprise was when I first saw these rivers. Where I come from those water-thingies are a stream at best but would probably mostly counts as a ditch. It is literally possible to jump over every single one of them without getting wet. At least on some spots. We never had to learn the name of the real rivers like Klarälven that is seven times longer and where a boat is needed to cross. But besides that - the view from the in-laws veranda is beautiful. I'm glad we stayed for a couple of days.

Now it is supposed to be all work for me. But the kids have another view on the summer so it just becomes a few hours of work every day. We're all working on learning how to compromise at least.

lazy dayz

2007-07-18T22:25:00.000+02:00

We're down visiting some family. Yesterday I met three of my siblings and all the kids cousins. Today one of the siblings had a birthday we celebrated and among others one of my cousins with family came and ate some cake.

Tomorrow we will try to meet some old friends who live here and on friday it is time for more family and on saturday we have a wedding to attend.

It is a bit stressful to live so far away in the other part of the country so that every minute of free time should be planned to meet people we moved away from. But on the other hand - one could have bigger problems than having too much loved ones to visit...

The photos are from yesterday at my parents allotment with my kids and their cousins, my older sisters and some polar bears (or is it my sisters dogs?) and my mum.

Friday monsterday

2007-07-13T17:29:00.000+02:00

monster time

2007-07-06T18:20:00.000+02:00

Friday in Stockholm

2007-06-29T10:34:00.000+02:00

I'm on a short vacation down in Stockholm and will not write much just deliver another monster. I hope y'all are having a good time. A special thought to everyone in Irvine at the bXg conference.

click to view in a readable size:

Friday? Really?

2007-06-23T19:18:00.000+02:00

Yeah, seems to be Friday at last... (click for enlargement)

For a few weeks just with the kids color pencils and no water color but maybe that will change back in time. I hope the Fridays will come more regularly for a time now.

Just a little bit of summer

2007-06-19T13:49:00.000+02:00

My parents-in-law came and made the kids summer even more fun. The last few days happened to be filled with many animals. I have no time to sit down and write more but you can take a look at some photos from the last couple of days and make your own story.

That dude, what's his name?

2007-06-12T20:37:00.000+02:00

I have an interesting problem/milestone. I am sitting here with the application form for my legal sex change. After a couple of years it just comes down a simple one-paged form with a number of boxes and lines. I have to fill in this form to apply for a permit to do more surgery, to get my new names and then finally get my new male personnummer and then I'm done.

I have to send this form tomorrow and before I send it in I have to decide what my new names will be. My first name Alexander feels good but i want to have to other names as I do now and as most people around me have.

I have thought of what names I should take for several years and two times earlier I have applied for just a name change but those requests was turned down because of bureaucracal mistakes or inexperience from my side.

When we expected our first child we had a number of names possible for that child and when she was born and got her name we saved the list of names for future children. When the next one was on her way all the old names still was beautiful but seemed strange to think of again.

I feel sort of the same way now. The old names I thought of for me seems strange to use and now when I sit here with the surreal application form I don't know what to choose or what to write.

I feel pretty comfortable with Alexander, the only hesitation there is that my father seems a bit skeptical and the name is after his father and parents have a lot to say when it comes to name to wear.

So what shall I write on that little line on this little form? Any suggestions will be thoughtfully considered even if I obviously have the last word. Please help me now friends and family! :)

Colors

2007-06-07T21:18:00.000+02:00

Peterson Toscano wrote a very good post about being a refugee and I made a comment there and got thinking about personality and what it is that make me like some people/churches/clubs/situations/whatever and dislike others.

In the comment I wrote "I am my own color on Gods palette. There might not be other colors like me but I match well with other nuances and even some contrast colors." The more I think about it the more I like that image.

I have two friends that are divorced and have a ugly fight over the children right now. They are a really bad match and they only have two things in common. They both love the kids and how they both think that the other parent is the worst being on the earth. They both have good and bad qualities and watching them makes me more and more convinced that most people are equally good and bad just in different ways and it is just a matter of finding people you get along with.

In one way this seems like something most people would agree on but at the same time we grade people differently all the time. On what seems to be a linear scale. We don't have to look far to hear comments like "1st person isn't good enough for 2nd person".

If we could look upon our fellow creatures more like colors that might change. Different colors matches with each other and some colors are more popular than others but few can argue and say that purple is an objectively worse color off less worth in the world than green or that a warm nuance of red have a bigger value for the world than a colder red. I think that most people think that it is good that every color exists. At the same time I think that everyone would agree that they don't want every color in the world on their walls in their living room. It is widely accepted that different people can like and dislike different colors and match them together as they like without wanting to change what colors should exist in the world.

I like a lot of people and I dislike some. The ones that I dislike are just colors I don't want to combine my own color with. They might fit well in others living rooms but not mine. My color is beautiful with with my husbands but far from all colors that are beautiful with his is beautiful with mine.

Different people likes different colors together, some think that pink and red are beautiful together, others think it is a terrible combination. Some people I like myself with don't agree and some that think their color goes well with me I don't really see as beautiful.

Some colors you want to have around you all the time, some colors are nice for shorter amounts of time.

Yes, I think I will keep this image.

Happy New Year

2007-06-05T23:36:00.001+02:00

Today 109 years ago Federico García Lorca was born in Granada. I couple of days I didn't know about him at all and when I read about him I learned that we share the same birthday so I had to read a bit about him. He was a multi talented Spanish poet and dramatist. At the age of 38 he was killed by the nationalists. In the Wikipedia article about him it says:

He was executed, shot by Falange militia on August 19, 1936. The executioner is reputed to have said "I fired two bullets into his arse for being a queer."

I wish I could say that much has happened since then...

But today all is good up here. I have had a wonderful day today. Perfect weather, nice company, really good vegan food, thoughtful gifts and I feel so glad that I am who I am where I am today.

As I always do on birthdays I evaluate the last year and make dreams for the next year. It is interesting to see how much my dreams can change from year to year and how I seem to learn at least a bit every now and then. After I have posted this I shall relax and listen to some new music and read some more poems until the sun rises again. Not very smart but after a day with tired kids and many impressions it is nice to be awake all alone.

If there is more out there that didn't know Lorca before here is one of his poems for you:

Sonnet of the Sweet Complaint

Never let me lose the marvel
of your statue-like eyes, or the accent
the solitary rose of your breath
places on my cheek at night.

I am afraid of being, on this shore,
a branchless trunk, and what I most regret
is having no flower, pulp, or clay
for the worm of my despair.

If you are my hidden treasure,
if you are my cross, my dampened pain,
if I am a dog, and you alone my master,

never let me lose what I have gained,
and adorn the branches of your river
with leaves of my estranged Autumn.

--Federico García Lorca

I hope you all have a good day. Tomorrow is our national holiday. It is not celebrated much at all, at least not by the people I know. Only way it effects me is that I always can sleep in the day after my birthday. On TV they will probably sing our national anthem and humble as I am I always get the same thought when I hear that tune -- I may not know much but I am not as stupid as that song. This is how it goes:

You ancient, you free, you mountainous North
You quiet, you joyful beauty
I greet You, most beautiful land upon earth
Your sun, Your sky, Your meadows green

You throne upon memories of great olden days
When honoured Your name flew over the world
I know that You are and will be as you were
Yes, I want to live I want to die in the North

First of all. The most beautiful land? The idea of beauty as something objective where one thing can be the most beautiful as that doesn't match my way of understanding. Second of all I don't like the idea of throning on old great wars. I can't be less proud of wars. But it is the penultimate line that makes me sigh and wonder what they where thinking. I know that You are and will be as you were. I may not know who I am but at least I know that nothing will ever be as it always where. And that is good, change is good.

Lunch break

2007-05-30T13:53:00.000+02:00

So I'm on my lunch break from work. Yes! It has been a long time since I had a job more than a few hours here and there so it is sweet to be able to say that: I am on my lunch break.

When I work I sit in my bed with my laptop on my lap and now on my break I sit here in my bed with my laptop on my lap. More specifically my job is at a company called Voxbiblia who sell the Bible on audio files in different ways. Right now I am sitting and cutting files following our Swedish Lectionary.

Noa, my husband also work at Voxbiblia and has recently made a nice little embedded player that I want to try out.

Now my break is over and I will go back to work.

Tinky Winky in trubble again

2007-05-30T09:19:00.001+02:00

Polands official spokesperson for children's rights, Ewa Sowinska wants psychologists to examine if Tinky Winky, the purple Teletubbie is gay and should be banned from public television in Poland. Ewa Sowinska had watched Teletubbies and didn't realise he was a boy at first and was very concerned when she understood that it was a boy that carried a handbag. You probably remember the same argumentation from Jerry Falwell many years ago.

From a BBC article:

Ms Sowinska wants the psychologists to make a recommendation about whether the children's show should be broadcast on public television.

Poland's authorities have recently initiated a series of moves to outlaw the promotion of homosexuality among the nation's children.

It is strange that a country can spend so much energy on the wrong things but I think it is even more strange that so many thinks that a handbag makes someone gay. I know a lot of gay men and only one of them have I ever seen carrying a handbag. Men carrying handbags are often transvestites and they are most often heterosexual. As so often the conservatives are not mainly afraid of homosexuality but of non-heteronormality.

Lite på svenska

2007-05-26T10:37:00.000+02:00

So here's a post mostly in Swedish. I wrote a fictional letter and I don't think I can translate it to English but I know many of you know Swedish so here it is:

Min älskade

Nu ligger jag nedbäddad i din säng. Jag kommer hit varje dag och låter minnena av dig skölja över mig. Det var länge sedan de sista doftfragmenten av din underbara kropp försvann men jag letar ändå långsamt och noggrant mig fram med slutna ögon och tänker att om jag bara kan känna ett uns av din doft så finns du kvar här hos mig.

Hur kunde jag låta mig bli så hals över huvud förälskad i dig? Förtvivlan över att vi aldrig hann dela våra tankar om tiden innan. Tankarna om varandra under den första tiden tillsammans. Du vet hur man ofta en bit in i relationer går tillbaka och väver ihop minnena från de första stegen tillsammas. När visste du första gången att du var dragen till mig? Visste du redan när jag kom fram till dig den där första gången att jag redan fallit för dig? Visste du någonsin att jag redan innan vi sagt ett ord till varandra hade tappat fotfästet och var bortom all räddning?

Minns du när vi kysstes första gången? Det är klart att du gör. Men vet du hur det var för mig? Jag började tappa hoppet om att någonsin komma dig nära då du böjde dig fram och kysste mig. En stilla kyss, kanske bara ett kort farväl från din sida. Jag är så ledsen att jag aldrig fick berätta för dig hur du fick mig att för ett ögonblick glömma allt annat. Hur det bara var du och jag i hela världen. Inga bekymmer, inga sjukdomar, ingen annan någonstans. Det var bara du och jag kvar i hela världen.

Jag önskar att jag kunde sätta mig ner och berätta hur mycket den kyssen betydde för mig. Av alla ögonblick som byggt mitt liv är det den stunden som jag allra helst minns. I det ögonblicket var allt bara lycka.

Allt stannade upp.
Allt stannade kvar.

I den stunden vad vi de enda som fanns, de enda som räknades. Du var allt för mig och jag tror att jag var allt för dig

Men det är något jag aldrig kommer att få veta. Jag hoppas att du fick veta vad jag tänkte. Jag hoppas att du vet, verkligen vet, hur du stannade upp lela min tid, hela mitt jag. Men jag är rädd att du inte ens anar. Att det inte finns någon eller något som berättar allt det här för dig.

Det finns ingen doft kvar av dig i dag heller. Den här sängen är bara sängen du sov i, inte sängen du finns kvar i.

Min älskade, jag hoppas att jag får kalla dig min älskade. Visste du att jag älskade dig? Eller var vi bara en stund av verklighetsflykt och gemensamma drömmar för dig? När du kysste mig den första gången, kände du då också att hela världen stannade eller fyllde världen dig med skam och skuld över den börda du la på mig? Trodde du att du kunde välja om jag skulle älska dig eller inte? Trodde du att du la ditt ok på mig?

Min älskade, om jag har en önskan i mitt liv så är det att du får veta, verkligen veta, att det du gett mig var allt igenom min gläde att bära. Ingenting av det du lagt på mig var en börda. Om allt jag fått av dig var en kyss vore jag för evig tid glad. Nu fick jag oändligt mycket mer och varje dag är en dag då jag tackar gudarna att jag fick träffa dig.

När jag var barn berättade min farfar de mest fantastiska historier om tiden före vår, när magiska varelser härskade på vår jord och alla sagorna skrevs ner. Jag trodde att sagornas tid var förbi, att allt i vår tid var utan magi. Skulle inte varje väsen från alla tider avundas oss, alla tidigare historier blekna när vår blev berättad?

Den första kyssen du gav mig innan vår resa formade allt det jag är. Resten av vår saga gav oss mig alla nyanser till den tavla som nu är vårt liv. Du och jag. Allt något så stort kan vara så kort.

Varken du eller jag var perfekta. Ändå blev vi tillsammans det vackraste som någonsin funnits. Det som för evig tid kommer att eka mellan bergen. Sagan som alltid lever kvar.

Vi trodde båda att livet var över, vi trodde båda att allt var stora var för andra. Men det vi fick var den största av skatter. Att två liv kan få vävas ihop så nära, att två liv faktiskt kan bli ett. Det måste vara den största gåvan någonsin given samtidigt det som nu förbannat mig till att för evig tid vara halv.

Att ligga i dina armar och veta att jag var för evigt trygg. Att känna mig helt säker, helt trygg och allt igenom hel. Det var mer än jag någonsin kan önska.

När du låg där i min famn och hela världen var vår, när plötsligt en tår föll ner för din kind och landade på mitt bröst. Visst ville jag för alltid stanna kvar i min dröm men att få möta verkligheten med dig var en större smärta än jag kunde bära men samtidigt mer ljuvt än allt jag tidigare drömt om.

Jag önskar att du finns där ute och fått höra hur ren och klar min kärlek för dig var i ögonblicket då du berättade för mig. Jag minns med smärta den tystnad och den sorg jag kanske visade. Min vän. Min tystnad och stillhet var inte i på något sätt skapad av besvikelse. Den tid vi fick tillsammans fick aldrig smaka ett ögonblick av besvikelse.

Jag borde ha lyft upp dig i en virveldans, kysst dig och berättat högt och klart att jag var din. Men trots att jag bara låg där stilla och tyst fick jag vara din tills all din tid var slut. Min vän, min värld, mitt allt. Att våra dagar inte ens hann bli räknade. Att din tid redan var slut. Att jag ligger här och letar fragment av din doft i den säng där vår saga fick sitt slut. Att den sjukdom redan ägde allt so var du. Allt detta innan vi knappt fick börja vårt liv tillsammans.

Nu är du borta och jag ligger här. Med papper och penna du lämnat mig skriver jag ett brev som du aldrig kan läsa. Du och jag hade allt. Kanske var det därför vi aldrig kunde bli mer. Det var rätt redan från början. Nu ligger jag här i din säng som bara bär doften av mig och min desperata längtan efter mer av dig. Du är för alltid borta och jag är för evigt bara halv.

Make adverbs, not jokes

2007-05-25T19:58:00.000+02:00

Last week I had a English class lead by a very nervous teachers student. He held a lesson on how to make adjectives into adverbs. Many if not everyone of us students had heard about this several times before but he was to nervous to notice that. In the end of the lesson we got a few adjectives to make adverbs out of by our selves for a few minutes and then he questioned us how we did. Still very nervous he didn't hear what we were answering and asked the same question over and over again.

Actual excerpt:

Teacher: If the adjective is hard, what is the adverb?
Me: Hard.
Teacher didn't hear me and continued: Did anybody write hardly?
Me: Hardly...
Teacher: But that is wrong Alex, the adjective is hard. Does anybody know what hardly means?
Me: Hardly.
Teacher: Yes, do you know what hardly mean?
Me: Hardly.
Teacher: Yes, do you know what it means?
Me: Almost not at all. I barely have an idea of what it means.

Teacher explains it in Swedish since he is sure I don't know.

Teacher: Can anyone make a adverb out of sarcastic?
Me: Sarcastically I can't.
Teacher: What?
Me: Sarcastically...
Teacher: That is correct, great Alex.

And so the lesson went on.

I am glad my term is coming to an end. I have just gotten a great job and might not be coming back to school this fall. But that is another post.

Spring-time happiness or just another post.

2007-05-22T21:17:00.000+02:00

So right about now the fabulous mr Peterson Toscano is performing a stand-up performance in my town and I am sitting here at home missing out on it. Strangely that feels rather good. The reason why Im here and not there is because I have three kids I get to spend the evening with. Right now I am listening to Rufus Wainwrights new album Release the Stars and as soon as the kids are asleep I will watch a episode of one of my favorite TV-show with a glass of wine left over from the dinner we had yesterday with the whole apartment filled with people I like and love. No, I am not even close to complaining I just feel blessed.

I know I haven't been writing much here lately. That is mostly because my life has been crazy busy with the end of my term. My last final is tomorrow and than things might be slowing down. Another reason I am not writing as much is that much of what Im thinking about is on a personal level and I don't really know where I stand and then it can be even more confusing to write about it and share it with others.

Yesterday I finished my utredning/inqury that is obligatory to make a legal sex change in Sweden. I finished all of it except for this last step last spring and now I am finally finished with all of it. Now it is mostly waiting left. And a thousand other things. But it is a huge step and relief to be where I am now.

I have a thousand wishes regarding how my life could improve but at the same time I am so happy to be where I am now. More and more often I get the priceless feeling that I am just the person I should be right in the place I should be in.

Faliure

2007-05-03T19:51:00.000+02:00

Yesterday I got some frustrating news.

In Sweden the equivalent to high school is called gymnasium. I did not graduate the gymnasium in my teens but dropped out. To be able to study at a higher level you have to graduate and get a diploma called slutbetyg - a name an English teacher student I had once translated not to final grade or school-leaving certificate but to slut grade.

The rules surrounding this slutbetyg is complicated and differs if you are young, have finished some high school or non at all. A couple of days ago I heard from another student that a rule I thought I had gotten right actually was different and that I then would not qualify for higher education after this term. So I went to the guidance office to seek some answer and was very relieved to learn that I had got the rule right. For a second or so I felt really good but then she looked closer on my report cards I brought and told me that I missed a required coarse. My last guidance council told me I didn't have to take that coarse but I learned that she probably thought I hadn't any previous high school and I do so the rules force me to take that coarse and now it is to late to do this term so there is no chance of going to the university this fall.

I felt so stupid for not double check the first info I got. If I had known this earlier it wouldn't have been any problem. It is a coarse I wanted to take every term but it never really worked well with my schedule.

The problem for me now is not that I have to take this coarse. The problem is that I completely lost motivation and inspiration to finish this term. I have been on reserve energy for a while and now I just feel empty.

I got a profound sense of worthlessness and meaninglessness I didn't go to todays class even if I really need them. Tomorrow is my first final and I know I will go but I feel like such a failure even in advance so I doubt it will go well. It's the first of two English class finals and it is 90 minutes of essay writing. It will probably result in me writing even less on this blog for a while. The main reason for my infrequent posts here is my English class and getting language "skills" graded. I should focus my energy onto something I do well instead. Unfortunately I haven't found much of that. My talents are above average in much areas but I am not really good at anything.

I detest our school system right now. I am so stupid but the system seems to be even more stupid. I have studied so much and so hard and I scored so high on the högskoleprov, our national university aptitude test and still I can't get in because of a short and irrelevant coarse I will never need for knowledge just for the qualification. It is a science coarse and I will study history and philosophy.

Graduation seems to be for others than me. But I know I will finish it. I have failed enough and I got more than enough of stubborn genes and I will do this. I just have to get the frustration out on something and now it gets to be you.

Mom, don't get worried, I am just sad and frustrated. Many things are very good as well. The spring is coming at last. If you squint you hardly see any ice on the shore in this photo on our Nydalasjön

Grown up, grown cynical or just changed.

2007-04-17T20:23:00.000+02:00

Today my daughters had a friend over to play. That was the first time they brought home a friend by them self since we moved up here more than 3 months ago. I am happy to learn that they make new friends here at the block. The friend seems nice.

The first thing I did was to go to the kitchen and clean up a bit and then pick up a few things that was lying on the floor. I thought the familiar thought "why is it always a mess at home?" and then I remembered how it was about a year ago. Everything in the sink was from the last meal we ate. Last year I was happy if the sink even was showing under all the mess. Today I picked up 5-10 things from the floor and nothing was left. A year ago 5-10 things wouldn't had made a big difference at all.

It is not that I have a spotless home, not at all. We still have a entire living room filled with junk, cartons, clutter and it is not at all moved into. But the rooms we have moved into is in rather good shape.

But still. When someone came over I got the exact same feeling of messy guilt as I got 1 or 10 years ago. What was normal then is not normal to me now. What is normal to me now was unthinkable to much work with a one-year-old and much less energy.

5 years ago we was conservative Christians starting up a Vineyard Church in a city far, far away. What was normal for me then seems so far away now. If I had known what would come I don't know what I would have done. I think that I would have regarded myself as a transitioned male living in the relation I do as the worst nightmare possible. Now I think of that time as so painful and soul-limiting and spiritually smothering. I feel so much more alive now and it feels like I can breath more freely (not only because I just vacuumed most of the apartment something seldom done back then). I wasn't very mainstream conservative Christian then. I was very annoying saying and doing things people questioned but mostly I questioned everything. I wondered what the Bible said and how to live by it and my leaders gave me good answers for a while and when they didn't have any more answers they just said "good question, lets pray together about that" and I was called prophet and leader because I dared to question as long as I did it in the right way.

Now I ask as many questions but I do not do it in the same way. I question things that we agreed was unquestionable. I am no longer a role model but a heretic and danger. I am someone to keep children away from.

What is it that makes me so dangerous now? Besides from gender and other outside changes I think that the danger mostly is this: I now question how I should live to embrace myself and regard that as a positive thing. 5 years ago "me" and "myself" was almost dirty words. The question had to be how to live by The Word or how to spread the Kingdom, how to save more souls. To focus on me and to feel good was just plain foolishness.

Speak about foolishness...

When I see my children play with their new friend I feel so happy. Why? It is simple, because they seem happy. If they are happy I am happy. I am a parent and of course I enjoy it when they grow and learn new things and get new nice friends. Some times it is a bit more complex but when it comes down to it that is how it is. I can not understand how I thought God would be happy if I did things against my will to please God. I am very happy that life took me here. Even if I surly know much less now than I did 5 years ago. Back then I new a lot and had a opinion on everything. Now I don't , but now I now how to enjoy the days as never before and at the same time at least ever other week have a rather nice apartment at the same time.

(last week I was kitty-sitter for my friends J&J:s cats Ester and Pius. They are about 7 months (I think -- bad kitty-sitter don't remember))

My first EDM challenge

2007-04-11T21:14:00.000+02:00

This is my first contribution to the weekly EDM challenge. A community I got interested in by my sister who have done several EDM challenges and have them on her blog Depict.

EDM #114 "Draw something ugly that you love for it's sentimental value,
journal about the object."

It is also the first time I use a dip pen and ink instead of regular pens.

Patient

2007-04-09T07:42:00.000+02:00

So I had surgery 10 days ago. Nothing major and nothing minor. Or maybe both major and minor. The OR was cancelled 13 hours before I was supposed to check myself in. Besides the immediate frustration to get a phone call canceling something I just drove 500 miles to do I was disapointed on a deeper level and I felt really broken. I have waited for almost two years to get this chest surgery and I have always told myself it is no big deal but just practical to get it done so I don't have to care about binders and stuff. But when I got the call telling me it was canceled I got beyond sad and maybe close to mad. But magic happened and I got my surgery. It went fine and the first day was tough pain wise but now I have no pain left. I am just tired and the scars itch as it heals.

Just one tiny complication. One of my nipples doesn't get what it wants and is a bit cranky. I have been to the ER three times the last three days and had several phone calls and now most people involved agrees that it is no infection and just bad circulation and hopefully rest of my body can share some blood and the tissue can start to heal. It is a very different feeling to look down on a body part and see how it turnes blue, purple and now black just hoping that something good will happen and that it will not die and fall off. I have some good blood, why can't I force my body to just share some more with the nipple? It is so easy to think that you are in charge of your body. This is my body I decide where the blood goes! If it wasn't ice on every lake I would seriously go looking for leeches. I am not good at just sitting and waiting to see if pieces of me will heal or fall off.

Tomorrow morning the eastern weekend is over and I will contact the plastic surgery clinic at the huge local teaching hospital and I hope that the step from ER:s to regular wards at regular hours get more rewarding comments than "that looks bad but there's nothing we can do". But mostly happy I don't have any pain. I feel free and n the right track. To annoy any (every) American trans person I can tell you that the total cost for my surgery, the three er-consultations and the many phone-calls up till now have reached a total of 0 kr. That is about $0 in your currency. The bright side of our almost socialism. Well I have spent some money on gas to get to the hospitals and the same almost socialism makes the gas cost more than twice as much here. To be fair I have spent 300-400 kr/~$50 on antibiotics and Panodil/Panadol. But now I have reached the limit for how much I have to pay on prescribed medications this year. Free health care for everyone is better than good.

Now I have to post this and jump in the shower. The kids and I have eastern break for a week and now when the clock has turned 8.50 am they think I am almost evil not having done anything funny yet. Not to mention how deeply unjust it is that the store we have plans on going to not opens before 10. How on earth could my offspring become early birds?

Did I want to become a man?

2007-04-03T23:11:00.000+02:00

"So you have always wanted to be a guy?" The question is as far as I know inevitable. Almost always I go the easy way and give people the answer they are looking for. "Yes, for as long as I can remember, at least since I was 4" They often nod and says something like "wow" and act surprised even if it is just the answer they where looking for.

What people often want is that things or people outside of the norm still is at least some what predictable. We strive for all our life to minimize the unknown around us. I think it is a profound human thing to do. I do it as well. I know how people react to my standard answers to most questions. So I give the easy ones.

Have I always wanted to be a guy? Absolutely not! Most of my life I have used all my energy trying to be a woman. I have not wanted anything as much as I have wanted to be a woman and stop having my unwanted male identity.

My partner Noa is left-handed. Has he always wanted to be wired that way? Probably not. It is not a big deal but it is rather impractical and it would have been easier to write without smudging with his right. But he is not right-handed even if it seems smarter considering the consequences. He just is. No why or how questions answered he just write better with the left hand.

I did a good job as a woman, most people that knew me then can assure you. Mostly I am the exact same person now as then with just some slightly changes.

A few days ago I did a change that seems major to many. I did my chest surgery after years of binding. For my identity it is not a big change. Personally it is just a way to avoid the physical pain of binding and because the breast only felt in the way and gave me an unnatural feeling hard to explain. My big change was when people I met started to see me as the man I am. As the man I think I was born to be.

When I decided to transition it was not because I wanted to be a man, it was that I had no energy left for trying to be a woman. I know many think I did a splendid job but for me being a man or a woman is something deeper than appearance. I know many that do not feel that they have to be labeled as man nor woman but I am not one of them. I have tried but that is just not who I am.

The last year I have more and more learned that I do not only accept myself as male but like myself. I have more energy then before and learn new things about myself every day. One of the things I still learning is the fine and hard balance between choosing who and what you are and accepting the same. That is not a easy thing. I can choose much in life to some extend but others are forced upon me. I could choose to try to make a carrier in singing and it would go terrible. I can't hold a tune. But I sure have other blessings and pieces that in the end is what is me.

To express myself as male is one piece in my puzzle that seemed so wrong and frightening at first but at the same time inevitable. Now when I have accepted this piece I am more and more happy about it and embrace it but at the same time it is getting a less and less deal for me. When I meet new people (and out my transgendership) my genderhistory always is something that they define by. For me that is not that important. Things I wounder about is the pieces important to me right now. How to be a good (or at least ok) parent, how to live in relationships and even rules regarding derivative and my math class is more central in what defines me at the moment.

Another thing I have learned maybe from being transgendered and so "abnormal" is how both very alike and very different we all are. Just as the Friday monsters most of us share the same fears of being rejected or too odd. At the same time there are so very different situations and dilemmas that scares us. It is both remarkable and beautiful. Diversity is beautiful and enriching but knowledge has to be a part of it. Without knowledge hate and fear grows and we only accept when people answers with the answer we expect them to.

If I would just answer "no" to the next person asking me if I always wanted to be a man it would rise some eyebrows. If I give them the time to explain myself and provide some knowledge the understanding between us would be far better than if I just answered "yes". But if I would just say "no" and not go any further people would probably think I was crazy or lie. Because they "know" what the supposed right answer should be to that question and if I would answer wrong and not explain myself the fear of the unknown would drive us more apart.

Sometimes I would like to have the long and correct answer to all the regular questions in a easy format where people asking the same question for the thousand time could get a clue of who I am. Ohh, wait. Isn't this blog just that? :)

Exhausted

2007-03-19T20:34:00.000+01:00

When I woke up today I had an e-mail waiting from my social studies teacher telling me no major corrections had to be made in my paper about UN and terrorism that was due to day at noon. So I did a few changes and handed it in more than an hour before deadline. 14 pages and I was totally exhausted. Not the best of times to be tired because not even two hours later I had the incredibly fun honor to have a class of teacher students at the university forced to listen to me for over two and a half hour. It was a requirement for them to be there and they was a bit negative at the beginning but at the end the questions came flowing and I had no chance to answer them all in just a few hours. But I feel rather drained now. I sat down for a minute and planned to do two lab reports to my science class (deadline tomorrow morning 9 a.m). But instead I had to do something with my hands and I feel to tired to paint so I sew curtains to the kids playroom. Very cute green fabric with spiders which made the kids force me to sing Itsy Bitsy Spider 50 times altering between English and Swedish.

Tomorrow morning I have to be up by 6.30 to write that lab reports and Wednesday I first have a vocabulary test for two hours followed by a oral presentation of my terrorism paper.

I will sleep very well this weekend!

Next week I will be out of town for a while. I will undergo some surgery on Tuesday and any prayers, thoughts and/or good vibrations will be appreciated. I am sorry for not posting as much as I want. I have had some problems with time, life and getting it all together. Today my 6-year old told me she is happy that I am not as angry as I use to be and that feels good. I have had a few rough weeks but now but I do feel better now.

Tried and failed on the friday monster

2007-03-16T16:30:00.000+01:00

Didn't have any time to do a monster for today this week. I have had too much work and some private issues to deal with. On top of that we have had a painter here to hang some new wallpaper in four rooms and that stole some energy as well.

Today I had a meeting with a teacher about a paper I am writing for next Monday. Only 10 days left made me a bit nervous but I got some extra minutes to do a sketch for a monster. When I came home it was ruined by some water even though it is waterproof ink in the pen I used. So I take it that this will be a monster free week. So this is not a friday monster but just a ruined skech:

Now I have to write my paper about the U.N.s definition of terrorism and how their work changed with 9/11 and how hard it is for 192 countries to compromise and agree on one definition on terrorism. Everybody thinks terrorism is wrong. Nobody agrees on what terrorism is. Fun, interesting but it will take some time. Fortunately I have until next Monday. Or so I thought until I met my teacher who told me it is this Monday in three days we have our deadline. I have some serious reading and writing to do.

Wonderful weekend

2007-03-10T15:13:00.000+01:00

I am up at home in Lapland. I don't have a cable with me so I can't share my photos with you. Instead you get a colored drawing of my childhood playhouse. My grandfather Alex built it to my aunt when she was little and now my children are playing in it. Well not now in all the snow but in the summertime.

copyright and stuff

2007-03-10T09:25:00.000+01:00

Now I have some copyright on my stuff. If someone want to do anything against the copyright just contact me. I am probably up to anything as long as I can get some personal flattering.

My monsters and other drawings is now under a pretty strict creative commons to save some rights to me.

Another Friday

2007-03-09T21:21:00.000+01:00

Sports holiday

2007-03-06T19:29:00.000+01:00

I have a few days off and am totally exhausted. I have to little energy left and every time I tries to write something I just get stuck in grammar and nothing gets posted.

Tomorrow I will go up to home-home and enjoy total silence and air so fresh it feels strange to breath.

A few days ago it was a snow sculpturing contest here:

The first one was a beautiful piece named Utopia. What doesn't show on the image is that on one side of the building different people with different sizes are walking in and they came out on a straight line all the same on the other side of the building.

Friday monster

2007-03-02T11:34:00.000+01:00

Most monsters have a lot in common.

Friday monster

2007-02-23T22:24:00.000+01:00

Already Friday again. I hope you all will have a good weekend. I have a very nice couple of days planned.

How long can a blog-entry be?

2007-02-22T18:00:00.000+01:00

The image above has nothing to do with the text below. It is just a little girl (who was eating a semla. Semla is a pastry we eat mainly on fettisdagen/Mardi Gras (Swedish and French for the fat day) the day before Ash Wednesday.

Yesterday I started to more seriously look at what I can do if everything goes according to schedule and I have the grades that qualify me to study at the university. My problem wasn't low grades but not grades enough. I have to finish more high school courses and I will have everything I need by the end of May.

I just browsed through the catalogue and I have no idea what to apply for. I have rather good grades and can choose what I want except for becoming a physician, psychiatrist or physiotherapist. If I wanted to be a ph-something I would have to improve my grades for another year but I am not at all interested in that.

Right now I am thinking of studying history of ideas but theology, philosophy and so many other things seems to be interesting as well. I will take one or two summer courses to learn more about what I want to learn.

But just to choose two summer coarses is impossible for me. This is the list of courses that I really want to take but I can only do two at once so I have until March 15 to decide what to study:

Filosofihistoria - The history of Philosophy
Från vikingar till välfärd:Svensk idéhistoria under tusen år - From Vikings to wellfare: Swedish history of ideas during thousand years
Historia - History
Logik och kritiskt tänkande - Logic and critical thinking
Maktens och motståndets kulturer - The cultures of power and opposition
Människosyn och moral - View of humanity and ethics
Nya religiösa rörelser och nyreligiositet - New religious movements and new religious expressions
Religion och mystik - Religion and mysticism
Allmän anatomi - General anatomy (basic human anatomy)
Freds- och konfliktstudier - Peace and conflict studies
Humanekologi och hållbar utveckling - Human ecology and a sustainable development
Vardagens mysterier förklarade - The everyday mysteries explained
Gruppvägledning - att leda grupper till utveckling - Group counseling - to lead groups to development.
Svåra samtal i professionella möten - Difficult conversations in professional meetings/situations.

Something I will not become when I grow up is a translator but if I am off to wrong on the coarse translations maybe someone can make a comment with more accurate names. Just do not complain on my grammar. I have had way to much of that this week from my English teacher.

That brings me into another subject. Grammar and normality. My English teacher is focusing a lot on grammar and pronunciation. I think that both grammar and pronunciation is good to know because it helps learning to communicate unhindered. But there me and my teacher does not seem to agree. For me language has only one goal - to help with communication. For my teacher, who deeply loves grammar and pronunciation, languages has an end in itself. We have to use British English and preferably RP and there are a thousand rules just to learn for the sake of it. If she was focused on grammar and focused on how good it is to know when we have to write reports in English at the university it would have been one thing, but now she just sigh and tell us how basic our errors are and how this is an advance class. As the coward I still am I just smile but on the inside I sigh an tell her how languages are made to communicate and how good it is that we try and that every time we can connect and interact in a foreign language that is good and grammar and pronunciation is a good way of learning how to interact more smoothly with one and other.

In todays class I did the connection between her attitude towards language and the society's attitude towards normality.

I think that many people when they express them selfs have a image that can be described as normal and because of that normality can be good. But when we turn it over and say that someone should be normal because that is the way people are it just becomes wrong. When my teacher grunt and correct someones comm-I-tment [kə'mĩtmənt] to a correct commitment [kə'mitmənt]. I can understand why it is good to pronounce well but everybody understood him and the next time she asked him a question he just shook his head and stayed quiet.

If I should go back and re-read this and check up the grammar it would probably take me a week or two to post this I would never try to write anything. But I post my entries with my basic (and advanced) grammatical errors, misspellings and bad allusions (I don't even want to try to think on more errors I do in my posts). If I don't write in English I surly will not improve at all and so what if I have the wrong tense? I get to tell my story and most of you understand me just fine.

Well, I now I can't even put words of how I thing her behavior is very alike society's thoughts on normality. But the feeling of someone having to follow the rules just because the rules are there. But neither language nor normality are static. The rules are there to help us understand how language and society works, not to bind us down and make us feel useless.

Lets change subject again. That one never got good enough.

Today me and Noa test drove a Ford and took a quick drive out to the sea (Kvarken) and I took some pictures. Everyone is talking about how very little snow it is this winter but I am just happy there are snow at all after 10 years in a milder climate that just had snow for some weeks every year.

Re-define

2007-02-17T22:31:00.000+01:00

When I started to come out many people took my transsexuality well. It seems like it is ok to be a man if I just promise to go all the way and be a butchy mans man. Like gender is binary and crossing those lines is the worse thing a person can do if you don't flip totally and hide out on the other side.

What if I wanted to wear lipstick? I don't at the time but what in the world would be horrible with that? This world needs more diversity not less!

Friday monster

2007-02-15T23:39:00.000+01:00

was to tired when I did the coloring and smudged it badly but I hadn't the energy or even will to redo it.

2007-02-14T20:33:00.000+01:00

I was sitting drinking a glass of bitter but fair trade coffee latte at the cafe next to the public library at a ugly red table and tried to write a normal post but failed once again. I have some thoughts I am trying to get a grip on to share with you but I am not there just yet.

Got a overwhelmed thinking of you all and I just want to say that I am so very grateful for all the comments you have given my previous posts and given new angles to my thoughts (and/or nice company during times of not that interesting thoughts)

So I fell into the Valentine love theme today and just want to say that I am thinking of you all:

I am very grateful to all the readers but here is a special thanks to some of you:

Calia77: Are you still around? Miss you and hope all is well.
Diana_CT: Interesting but hard to read post on partners to transpeople you had the other day.
Elliot: Love you're new blogger photo, you're so cute.
Eric: I am happy to read about your experience from transgendered Christians. I am in the same place of not being surprised but amazed of what the Lord show me.
Heath: I miss reading your blog. Gimme more! :)
Jacob: Did your back hurt enough or will you join me tomorrow and assure some sever leg pain to enjoy during the weekend?
Jami: Just loved the trans fat comic! Have it om my desktop and still giggle every time I see it.
Jay: Hope you are well, haven't seen you for a while.
Jeanette: Didn't ever thank you for the very kind comment on the post I erased. Your words made me keep posting.
Joe (not the G-one): Don't know much about you but thanks for the comment!
Joe G: I really, really miss Beppe Podcast. Didn't remove my bookmark until last week. Don't you have any respect for us who need you?
Koan: Don't know if you are online at all anymore. Miss your blog. Wish you all the best!
Linderholm: I have a problem with the feed from your blog, I don't get new posts so I have to manually visit your post. If you get 10 hits a day from Umeå I not stalking you, just well, uhm,
almost staling you.
Linster: Love you, miss you, and don't call. Have we heard that before? Hope things are good. It's still strange being at Mimer every day without you.
M: I love your blog. Hope you will post again soon. You write things I need to read so it's just a ego wish I have to read more. Glad you made that comment so I found you.
Malgul: Miss you a lot! *hugs*
Mamma: hope you will come by and see our new home some time. Thanks for all your comments. I am so happy you found the blog!/Hoppas att du kan komma förbi och se vår nya lya någon gång. Tacc
k för alla dina kommentarer. Jag är så glad att du hittade till bloggen!
Maria: look what you have done! If you hadn't given me that Christmas gift wouldn't have started to draw or paint.
Marika82: You and me baby, and a couple of ears, knifes, gnu and brute force. I look forward to your visit :)
Nillo: You are an inspiration and you have broaden my horizon!
Ninja: Got almost sick listening to the evangelist in #87. I was glad to be with you on the trip to Cleveland. :)
Noa: You not only rock, you are my rock!
Olov: I am glad you found me. I will tell my story if you tell me yours... :)
Paul: I'm hope all is well. I still think of you almost every time I drink single malt, and that would be more than once in a while :)
Peterson: You make the world a better place. I cannot find any better thing to say (besides wishing you a great birthday week)
Puck: Lost the link to your blog a while ago and miss it. :(
Scotmagicman: Thanks for your comments! I will come back with a report on the books I bought in november and promised you to talk about when they was read. I forgot it until today when I re-read your comment.
Sloopy: Your comment really made a big impact on me. You are a great example on how sharing burdons can make the life so much more manageable.
Tj: Thinking of you daily! Big hugs to you, Anders and Hannes.
Ull: Thanks for loving the dino, I needed that tonight! (K)
Valorie: You are an inspiration when it comes to share love and compassion. Thanks for your comments!

another monster

2007-02-12T19:13:00.000+01:00

Expences

2007-02-11T19:14:00.000+01:00

My bookstore has a big shelf with Moleskine notebooks and I did resist the urge to buy one for more than a month. "They are to expensive and you have other paper to paint on" I tried to tell myself. But yesterday I gave in and bought it. Then I just happen to buy a set of water colors. I haven't had good water colors since I moved away from home. And then just a new pen, ooh, they had a special price if I buy four. Great. Maybe a new pencil. I just need a rubber too...

I had a honest feeling that it would be enough there. But no. Today the obvious next step arrived. I had to get a image scanner so I can scan what I draw.

Conclusion: Do not, I repeat: NOT, buy a Moleskine. They come with so many expenses. :)

another nice day

2007-02-04T20:15:00.000+01:00

It says that a picture says more than a thousand word. So this is what I have done today:

(if you are not interested in hand crafts and other fun stuff you can at least notice my almost noticable side burns. I can understand that I have gone from 19 to 22-23 in age when people guess how old I am)

Had a nice day

2007-02-03T17:41:00.000+01:00

So I spent the day as a living book. I went there with the mind set of changing others and came there changed myself. Love it when that happens.

Besides me there was a girl with CP, a Kurd, a Policewoman, a female preist, a former criminal and drug addict, a Sami, a muslim woman from Somalia, a person on longterm sick leave, a animal rights activist, a lesbian and a white middelaged man.

Can you imagen a more fun group of people to spend almost 6 hours with? It was interesting to meet peoples prejudices when we got borrowed but to sit down and talk with the other books about their life and the prejudices they meet was so fun!

I am already booked as a book for next years living book project.

I have learned so much today.

Now I have to go and eat some real food. I have had russian, ethiopian, finnish and asian fikas. You don't have a good word for having a coffee or tea break with something sweet to it so you can have our fika. But still no proper food.

Want to borrow a living book or 12?

2007-02-01T23:39:00.000+01:00

On Saturday on a event called Midvinterfestival (Mid winter festival (did you really need to read the translation for that?!)), a public library is giving the citizens here in Umeå the chance to borrow another citizen. Yes, up for lending is 12 people. You can borrow one of them for 45 min and you get to sit down and chat with someone often biased. The event is the 2nd annual "Borrow a prejudice - and get rid of it" The 12 persons you can lend is a Kurd, a lesbian, a female priest, a imam, a person with CP, a policeman, a animal rights activist, a former addict and criminal, a Sami, a muslim woman from Somalia, a middle aged white heterosexual man and last a transsexual man. They are called living books and the meaning of the arrangement is to help people not to judge a book by its cover.

The event was a big success last year and the borrowers specifically asked for transpersons when asked what could make the happening better for next year. So now they have a transsexual man and the other new books are the animal rights activist and the white man.

It will be very interesting. I'll probably report more about it on Saturday evening.

Serenity

2007-01-28T00:35:00.000+01:00

So I have given you peaces of my darker sides. I want to give you some parts of me that is more representative to what I think about. I still have dark days, and probably will have for the rest of my life. But I want to compensate with more of the daily me.

I can't begin to tell you how many times I have decided to stop being a Christian.

When I was 6 years old I got baptized in my Pentecostal Church. I was a bit younger then most people was when they was baptized. I had heard someone talk about how the will to be baptized was planted as a seed by the Holy Spirit and I wanted some prof that I was truly Christian so I told my parents that I wanted to be baptized.

After a submersion in cold water in the chapel besides the home of my childhood I stood in front of the parish and sang a song called "Jag har beslutat att följa Jesus"/"I have decided to follow Jesus". I remember how I asked what "beslutat"/decided meant. It is a word more like determine in swedish but means roughly the same. I remember how I felt that I didn't mean what I sang. I hadn't decided to follow Jesus. I had always been a Christian. It felt like saying that I had chosen to be my parents child. It was just the way it was. It felt particularly weird to sing "och aldrig mer tillbaka gå"/"no turning back, no turning back" (or literally "and never again turn back" (or if you want the swedish word by word, "and never more back go" well, back to the point)). Turn back to what? Not being baptized but still believe in Jesus? Well. I sang the song and was very happy to officially be in the family of Christ.

During the years I have tried to choose not to be a Christian. Because I never found grace I have to many times viewed my faith as something that almost me and I just had to be Christian because I didn't want to burn forever. But even if I did decide to stop being a Christian I have never felt like it worked for longer than until I fell a sleep. A few hours went OK but with a good nights sleep I always woke up and prayed and didn't remember I didn't believe in that and I accepted that my faith was still there.

A couple of years ago when I accepted fully that I am transsexual and always will have this glitch between body and mind if I don't change my body, I assumed God hated all transpeople that gave in to who they where. When I came to the point where I cried to God and said that I was truly sorry for being this way but that I still was the way I am and that I couldn't change and that I hope God could make me different before I died so I could be welcomed again. Like a sort of sabbatical leave for most of my lifetime and then God would come and re-save me at the autumn of my life.

For the first time I felt peace and I felt a very strong feeling of presence and for the first time I felt sure that God loved me no matter what.

When I came out to my parents i.e. my mom I had the same feeling. I was heartbroken and sure that it would be the beginning of the end of our relationship. When I came out I surely gave her a big chock but since then I have learned that both my parents truly loved me. Unfortunately I didn't know that earlier but it wasn't until I came to the crossing point and said "this is me and you have to take it or leave it" I finally could understand that I was loved. Both by my parents and by God.

I have always found the "take it or leave it"-mentality to be annoying and egoistic. But for me it turned out to be essential. I started this blog in the same spirit and what it has given me is not only new friends from around the world but also a much better contact with my relatives.

It can seem to self centered to focus as much as I do on myself and give in to my fallen nature. But since I started I have grown not only as a person but on every level and mostly spiritual. For the first time in my life I feel certain that I will forever be a Christian, not only because I don't know how to unChristianize myself but because it is the part of me I like the most and without it I wouldn't be me. It's the light of my life and I finally understand what Jesus talked about in John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." Even if I seem troubled and afraid I have a deeper knowledge than I had before I accepted myself that I am not only accepted, but loved because of who I am.

What is a poem?

2007-01-24T17:51:00.000+01:00

So in English class we got to work with the homework in small groups. One assignment was to make a poem out of some of the words in the very long list I posted previously. We were allowed to use some additional words for it to make sense.

I used half of our words and wrote

disaproval at your disposal
emphasize various and regular insults
frequently clenched fists
never recall
just assume

I thought I had written a poem. Of course I would have written otherwise if I hadn't been limited in my choices of what word to write. But I think it has a meaning. But for the first time in a while I just got laugther back at me. Well, I did my homework and will surly never read another poem in that class. I will keep them for myself as usual.

Then we got more homework, so now I have to go back to that.

2007-01-24T17:44:00.000+01:00

I am sitting at my library. With my I refer to the central public library of Umeå.

When I moved away from home a few days after my not so sweet 16 I moved to this city 230 km/143 miles away from my parents. It was as far away I could get back then. Since then a lot has happened. Not only has almost 12 years gone by, I have changed in many ways.

This time I moved as close as possible to the place I couldn't wait to get away from.
Contrary to me, this public library hasn't changed a lot. I have been sitting in this very chair many times before.

I liked to sit here when I was a teenager as well as now. It is a big round table with comfortable chairs between the book shelfs for religion and for foreign talking books. It is a quiet corner of the library and the few people who comes to this two shelfs is always interesting to observe. The chair I am sitting in is placed in a oriel that gives me a view over the avenue. Across the avenue I can see the window of the youth health clinic where I first understood that I truly am a human being.

I met a psychiatrist there about this time of year 11 years ago and first we chitchatted for a while and talked about my boyfriend, my parents and siblings. They are all good people but she picked up that there was something else and I felt comfortable enough to tell her a bit of what separated me from the rest of humanity. She immediately wrote a referral to the hospital and I got very good help to start to understand myself. Back then I didn't have words nor feelings to explain what made me feel like a bomb ready to detonate.

Now, a decade later I have learned how to allow myself to feel and to put words not only in my mother tongue but in a foreign language as well. That closes one chapter in the book of me and opens others. I am happy that chapter wasn't the only one in my story.

It gives me a special joy to sit here with Webster's 3rd and learn the words for todays English lesson. I am not at all against technology, on the contrary, I would use a online dictionary without a doubt if I had Internet here. But it surely is a wonderful feeling to have a huge dictionary in front of you and find ori•el on page 1591 for this post with a nice little illustration to show me that it really is the right word. Before today I didn't know that thinghood was a word. But Webster teach me on page 2376 : thinghood 1: the quality or state of being a thing. 2: something that constitutes a ting as such (~ must also include objective change - C.I. Lewis).

Now I have to study for my English class. My homework for this week is to read eight pages of a test about how we learn language and how the English language don't have a good word for a live-in partner. Then we have some words we have to know. If anyone want to learns some Swedish, here they are:

adult -- vuxen
mother tongue -- modersmål
cope with -- klara av, reda sig i
environment -- omgivning, miljö
context -- sammanhang
suitable -- lämplig
subject -- ämne
experience -- erfara, uppleva
sense -- sinne
approach -- närma sig, angripa
purpose -- syfte, ändamål
assume -- anta
level -- nivå
correspond -- motsvara
course -- kurs
achieve -- uppnå, åstadkomma
otherwise -- annars
whereas -- medan
require -- kräva
vocabulary -- ordförråd
regular -- regelbunden
generalization -- generalisering
regularity -- regelbundenhet
set forth -- lägga fram, presentera
consistent -- sammanhängande, konsekvent
systematize -- systematisera
finite verb -- verb som står i nutids- eller dåtids-form; i texten avses nutidsformen
hold for -- gälla
innumerable -- otalig
unsystematic -- osystematisk
go about -- bära sig åt, gå tillväga med
unconsciously -- omedvetet
handle -- behandla
disposal -- förfogande
carry over -- överföra
case -- fall
bother -- besvära, bekymra
whenever -- närhelst
differ from -- vara olik, skilja sig från
create -- skapa
apply -- tillämpa
above all -- framför allt
furnish -- förse, tillhandahålla
concrete -- konkret
go on -- gå efter, rätta sig efter
analyse -- analysera
thus -- sålunda
master -- behärska
abstract -- abstrakt
on the other hand -- å andra sidan
limit -- begränsa
educated -- bildad
clumsy -- klumpig, otymplig
laborious -- mödosam, tung
set -- uppsättning
the sheer number -- bara (blotta) antalet
various -- olika
peculiarity -- egenhet
time-consuming -- tidskrävande
essential -- väsentlig
unless -- om inte
grasp -- fatta, begripa
mainly -- huvudsakligen
tend -- tendera, ha en tenden
occur -- förekomma, uppträda
recall -- erinra sig, påminna sig
efficient -- effektiv
store -- lagra, bevara
means -- medel
connect -- förbinda
be similar -- likna
inner -- inre
structure -- struktur, uppbyggnad
stand to -- förhålla sig till
logical -- logisk
etymology -- etymologi
that we are likely to read about -- som vi sannolikt kommer att läsa om
hence -- därför
policy -- politik: tillvägagångssätt
concentrate on -- konsentrera sig på
frequent -- vanlig, ofta förekommande
by contrast -- däremot
argument -- resonemang
connected -- sammanhängande
substance -- substans, innehåll
whether...or -- vare sig...eller
naturally -- naturligt
fluently -- flytande
revise -- repetera
fix in our minds -- inpränta
worth while -- mödan värd
wag -- vifta på
rub -- gnida
wave -- vifta med
antenna -- känselspröt
linguist -- språkvetenskapsman
gesture -- gest
cave -- grotta
signal -- signalera till
standardize -- standardisera
communicate -- kommunisera
series -- serie
symbolize -- symbolisera
emphasize -- framhäva
punch -- kraft
emphasis -- eftertryck
obscene -- oansträndig
gladiator -- gladiator
clench -- knyta
fist -- knytnäve
extend -- sträcka ut
approval -- gillande
disapproval -- ogillande
approve -- gilla, godkänna
wink -- blinka
cooperate -- samarbeta
shrug the shoulders -- rycka på axlarna
dramatic -- dramatisk
indicate -- ange
first finger, index finger -- pekfinger
chest -- bröst(korg)
curl -- rulla: böja upp
tease -- reta
disrespect -- ringaktning
adult -- vuxen
snap -- knäppa med

If anyone still wonders why I don't post as much I just will say that this is my shortest HW in the three courses I have started, in two weeks I will start another course. But actually I work the other way around. With much to do I am more likely to write here. So maybe I will post more frequently during February.

Exodus International is lying

2007-01-16T19:52:00.000+01:00

Alan Chambers is lying about my country. That makes me frustrated. First I thougt it was a missunderstanding but it seems to be nothing less than just a cheap lie to score easy points to a audience unable or unwilling to check the facts.

Today is the Religious Freedom Day and Exodus International is celebrating this with lies about Swedish laws. I first read about this on Tor Billgrens Swedish blog antigayretorik who quoted Exodus press release:

Chambers notes that there have been many examples of this in the United States and around the world. Canada, Australia, Sweden and other European nations have used hate crimes law to punish, even imprison preachers for speaking out against protected persons. Preachers have been fined or jailed in Canada and Sweden for quoting passages from the Bible about homosexuality.

No preacher in Sweden has been jailed for quoting passages from the Bible about homosexuality. It is a lie. Åke Green and Leif Liljeström was prosecuted but freed on the charges concerning quoting the bible in order to oppress homosexual persons.

Snow!

2007-01-14T11:37:00.000+01:00

I have had some fights with blogger. Blogger refuse to upload pictures from me this weekend and I have tried to post just text twice but got errors even from that.

But now the pictures will load so maybe I have some luck with the posting as well.

I am back in the village I grew up. My parents moved away from here a couple of years ago down to Stockholm but they have kept this place and now my father is here for a few days and we drove up for the weekend.

This place is three hours up north from Umeå where we live. It is a very small village in a rather harsh climate. Usually it is snow on the ground from October until the end of April but most winters there are some snow left a lot longer. My birthday is June 5th and it wasn't many birthdays my neighbor didn't find some snow to make a birthday snowball to throw at me. Right now it is about a meter of snow here and -15°C/5°F. I am glad we didn't come two days earlier when it was -25°C/-13°F. I love the snow but I think it is hard to enjoy it when it is as cold as that.

The two images above is just taken with my phone camera from the car when we arrived yesterday. It doesn't make the spectacular sunset any justice. The house is where I grew up and the hill below is just to the right, you can see how they fit together.

I can now spell acclimatization without hesitating

2007-01-09T16:01:00.000+01:00

So yesterday my kids started at their new preschool. I don't really know if preschool is the right name. My dictionaries are mostly online and my paper dictionaries do not make a difference between preschool, daycare and kindergarten. It is a place for kids between age 1-5 with educational activities a few hours but mostly just a place to be at when the parents work or like me, go to school.

I knew they had my old name in their papers and we hadn't told them anything about my transition before we arrived. I think it is good to meet people in person when I tell them about transgender stuff. That helps many people not to do the big you-are-a-sick-bastard-thing. When you meet someone eye to eye most people really tries to listen.

That is mostly the thing I want to avoid. People calling me names in front of the kids. So we went to the preschool knowing nothing about them except for the time and place to arrive. We knew that we will have a two week acclimatization period when we get to know the teachers and the kids get a chance to a slow introductory period. So I will meet the personal quite a lot for a few days now.

We arrived and a preschool teacher said hello, reached out to shake hands and presented herself. I will call her Y. We all said our names and I added "In your papers it says oldname. I was born in a more female body but felt like I needed to look more like I felt. In a couple of months I will get the name in order". That is about how much I think one can say before having to take a break and se how it was received. Y just looked cool and nodded and said "that is good to know". Then she turned to the kids and started go give them the grand tour. Then it didn't come up more in any way yesterday.

Today Y told me that they have spoken about same sex parents with the children earlier but she thinks that the kids are so alike both me and Noa that it is obvious that we both are the birth parents and she wanted to know how I wanted the personnel to respond to the the other kids and parents questions. I told her that most of the times our kids give good answers them self but if anyone asks the teachers I want them to answer as openly and direct as possible. Y exhaled and looked relieved. She said that she thought that most people would understand these things if they only was educated. She had watched a documentary about a transwoman with wife and three kids and said that she thought it was obvious that the woman was feeling much better by the transition. Then we talked on for a bit and I felt so happy that she will be in daily contact with my children.

The acclimatization goes well so far not only for me but for the kids to. Frode cried when he realized we were going home and the oldest just asked me if I could promise that they stay longer tomorrow.

Other than that. The weather is crazy. The little snow we had is melting, yesterday it rained! I love the sunsets from my bedroom but tomorrow we have to be at the preschool at 9 a.m. and the sun doesn't rise until after, maybe 9.15, maybe some minutes later. Then it sets again a few minutes after 2 p.m..

The picture at the top is from this mornings sunrise. They are building a few new houses nearby and I have this thing for constructions sites. It is a magical world for me. My father was working a lot when I grew up and he made stucco elements. The times when I got to visit him at construction sites was always very special to me and I still feel happy when I see houses being built.

First time on skates

2007-01-06T20:49:00.001+01:00

If you are bored by parental pride, this is not the video for you! Surf away and come back later.

Our three children got skates from our very generous friend Gnu. Her kids had grown out of them and our kids has never tried skating before. I shot a short movie on Frode, our youngest.

If anyone want a high resolution version and can play .mov this is the place to go

Some heavy stuff

2007-01-05T21:26:00.000+01:00

I like to move because it gives me a great opportunity to evaluate my life and sort out clutter both physically and mentally. At the same time I hate moving. Because when I evaluate my life I come back to the main issue in my life. How to survive myself. I am one of those who really have to struggle to stay alive. I know it probably will pass when I am finished transition. For most transpeople it does. I don't know if you readers know that transpeople have a extremely high suicidal percentage. I have met many "Christians" that have told me that it is Gods punishment for breaking some divine gender rule. That is statistically easy to see is just bullshit because after transition transpersons gets as eager to survive as non transpeople. The problem is not, let me repeat, NOT Gods punishment. Then it would just be as hard to survive after transition. The problem is much easier and at the same time much harder. The problem is how society, the family and one self can't accept this problem.

As so many transpeople I have been hated by so many for no peculiar reason. Even long before I came out as trans. Most people have noticed that something has been wrong with me anyway. I have never until I came out as trans liked myself so I can't blame others for acting the same way.

I have had three big reasons to keep on going.

1. My huge fear of the evil God I grew up with. My parents didn't give me that image of God intentionally, they where relatively quiet about God and just said prayers with us. I think they wanted me to form my own image of God but instead others gave me a very false image of a evil God that hates almost everybody. I have been scared of hell since I was 6 years old and have feared dying since then. I remember since I was seven how I have longed to die but at the same time being extremely scared of hell. A few years later an uncle to my dad died and I remember mom telling me that he was in heaven now and how I was scared for her ending up in hell just for telling me that he was going to heaven when I knew he had been a alcoholic and therefore by default was going downstairs. When I was a teenager I remember how my parents showed some bible cartoons to my little siblings where Jesus was portrayed as a nice and loving person who wanted everybody just to be nice. I secretly hide those tapes because I was afraid my siblings would be growing up and just be them self's and end up in hell. Nowadays of course I hope that they do think that God is loving but just 10 years ago that was one of my biggest fears. I knew I was screwed but I wanted my beloved siblings to walk the right path of ice cold fear.

2. My second previous reason to keep on was the humiliation I would feel if I tried to end things but would end up at the hospital and everyone would know that I was the freakish failure that could even kill my self. I have failed at almost everything I tried to do in life so I figured it wouldn't be surprising if I failed even that.

3. My last big thing was a fear of a funeral that would include some family members that felt obligated to attend and that no one would miss me.

Now I am fairly sure that if God exists then God is loving and the most I would see of hell was by living. I know I am loved by many and that the memory of me would last for a very long time.

I few weeks ago my mom asked me why people doesn't cry out for help and let people help them when they are suicidal. I think I said that I didn't know. I do know. I know I don't want people to know that I struggle with these questions. I know people will look at me differently after they have read this. I don't want people to come with easy answers and think that everything will be alright if they just tell me that they love me or that my children needs me.

Part of hating one to the level of wanting to end ones life include the standard answer to that. People love me because they don't know me, if I die they will live on with the memory of a fairly good me, not the real me. And as far as the kids goes. Of course I think they would be better of without me. How can people think that I or anyone else wouldn't think of this kind of things. Not just one or two times but for hours and hours.

If I was close to doing anything I wouldn't even be writing this. I would be sure to make it look as something my insurance would cover so I wouldn't be as much trouble for my family.

But lately I have started to think that maybe a reason to keep living is to talk about things like this. How it is to live in the shadow lands, how it is to be someone that other fears. But even if I get a thousand reasons I fear that I will have to really, really struggle with this for a long time. Sometimes every day, sometimes just a few time a month.

What I want people to understand is that myself and people like me do not need your fear. We have more then enough ourselves. What I need and many I have spoken to, is to know that we are accepted without change. That even our dark sides are welcome. I can be nice to people. I don't need to know that my politeness is loved. I need to know that there are places where I, the whole me, is welcomed. Where my story is something important and not just scary.

We are all the same. We all want to be loved. Even if some of us have a hard time accepting the fact that we already are.

I hate the fact that I hate myself. I am so ashamed of it. I don't want anyone to know it. I don't want anyone to fear me. I don't want anyone to think that I am to much to handle and that they don't have anything to give me.

When people ask what they can do for me I so badly want to have a good answer. But I don't. There are no easy answers. But to not do anything is always a bad thing. Passivity can be deadly. It gives the wrong people the power. It is like when my parents told me that God existed but didn't tell me about God. Even if they believe in a good God they remained silent towards me, probably in fear of being wrong, and gave others the power of defining God. I think that it is important to share our beliefs and our stories to one and others so that we can understand that there are never easy solutions. Life is complex and that is a good thing. I think that we too often feel ashamed of our prior wrongs or fear future ones so that to many of us accept silence. I think that shame and fear both are the opposite of what God wants.

Short update

2007-01-05T21:23:00.001+01:00

I still don't have a internet connection at home and it can take some time for me to answer e-mails and update my blog. We are waiting for the painter to do some work at home before we can unpack the rest of our things but most things are in order. I love this place more and more. I can see the sunrise over the snow covered tree tops from our bed and the sunset from the living room.

Homemaking

2007-01-03T08:33:00.000+01:00

Now everything we own is in the right city. Yesterday we arrived and almost everything in the kitchen is unpacked and later today I will put together the beds so that we can sleep at home. Tonight we slept at a dear friend and right now I am using her internet connection. We don't have our lines up yet. Our ISP have promised to have it up and alive in 1-3 weeks. How will i survive? Well, I guess that time is meant to get things in order, like buying more lamps. Who could have guessed that you need more lamps in a apartment twice the size?

It's already 9.20 am and I really have to get dressed, pack up the kids and go home!

My Father?

2006-12-31T00:01:00.000+01:00

Ohh Father in heaven, are you there? Can you hear me? Can you be here?
If your name is hallow, what are then a name? Are words really hallow? Or is the name-thing about more then just your name?
Why didn't you make a easier prayer? One who I understand.

Is it because I do not know your name? I just have a bunch of titles for you, not a name...

I hope that you know that I want to know it.

I hope that you know mine.

However...

Let thy kingdom come.
Let me be a part of it.
Help me to enjoy it and not worry about tomorrow
Let me lay my worries down before you so that I without burdens can come before you.

Let me be a part of your will, a part of your plan.
I know you are God and everything and that you probably has a lot on your mind but I would like it if you would like me.

I hope that you like me even if I am who I am.
I hope that you like me because of who I am.
No, I will not try to lie to You.
The chances are You are omnipotent and I guess you don't like lies.
But I do want to have that hope.
That you would like me not despite but because of who I am.

Are you in heaven? What are you doing up there? Come join us down here instead?
I guess you have a great plan. I hope that your will is done both up there and down here.

I hope your not mad at me for not eating bread. It is such a good analogy and I feel bad sometimes for not eating bread when it painted up as being the most basic of needs in The Book. At the same time it feels like my life in a nutshell. The Bible is full of pictures that just doesn't talk to me. Or just babble rubbish. Like that you should give me my daily bread when I don't eat any. Or that Jesus is the bread of life and that I just use bread to feed my fishes.

Don't dismiss me just for not eating bread please.

Please don't dismiss me at all. I hope you like me more than I like myself. That you don't obsess about my sins like I do. Forgive my sins like I forgive those who sin against me. Let me learn how to forgive myself.

Hold on to me, save me from too much danger and let me know what is right and wrong. I want to do right and in order to do that I need you to help me to understand what is what. Or just do your magic thing and deliver me from evil in every way.

Im just rambling. Lets come back to the basic, You are The man. You have the power and don't screw it up like others but still has the glory. I want to be a part of your team. Please let me!

Amen.

evaluation 0.1

2006-12-28T22:00:00.000+01:00

It's not that I am against heterosexuality and monogamy, I think people should be free to express them self's in any way they want, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone, but there has to be limits. People needs boundaries. I spent the Christmas with my extended family and in it there is these three beautiful and intelligent girls who is in their teens. Already they are experimenting with both heterosexuality and monogamy. I mean, don't they know that a mono heterosexual relationship are the most dangerous sort of relationship there is? Couldn't they start out with a more safe and healthy form of relationship? As lesbians they would minimize the risk of both STDs and violence. Or take Pauls advice and just go asexual. If it is possible to change, why not choose the apostle way and just say no to all sexuality?

I really hope that the conservatives can take a step back and see their argumentation from a different angel...

I like irony and satire. No, that is a understatement, I need it. It is a great part of me. I spent the xmas with my husbands family. They are very nice people all of them and I do love them a great deal. But, and this is a great but, they don't get my sense of humor at all. Today I spent a few hours at my parents and it was great to get the homy feeling of satire. Mean is the new kind! I can be nice to almost anyone but there is just a few that I dare to be snotty to.

I met a aunt and uncle I haven't met as Alex yet. I knew they knew but I just chickened out and didn't dare to talk about my change even if it is quite obvious, I hadn't shaved that day, my kids calling me dad and my husband using the right pronouns, so it wasn't like they didn't noticed. But nether them nor I said anything. I don't know why. People I care about I often talk more deeply to but unfortunately I chickened out.

Maybe I can blame it on me being tired. The last three days me and husband has driven almost 1200 miles, and 1000 of them with a trailer filled with our belongings. Now most of our household is up in Umeå. A few days so will we be. In some ways it is a huge step. In other ways I still live a such a big part of my life online so it doesn't really make a huge difference. But I will surly miss my sister Maria who lives here. I miss her even now when she is a few minutes away.

But it is nice to move. To pack up your life and evaluate it. Throw out what you don't like and dream about how things should be. I have never moved and felt this good about myself. When I pack up my things I don't feel panic as earlier times when I just flied. Now I just tidy up something I like and make it more beautiful. I love aging. Youth is highly overrated. Life, here I come!

This might be the last post from this apartment. I am always sitting in bed, often with my headphones in my ears. Right now Jack Johnson's album brushfire Fariytales is playing and I am dreaming of a village where everyone I love is living. I am happy that this is one of the days that I am happy about the fact that my village would be crowded if it was more than a dream. The last days I have mostly mourn that it is just a dream.

Julafton - Christmas Eve

2006-12-24T14:57:00.000+01:00

After the Christmas Eve dinner we went for a walk

My dapper dog, my handsome husband, my stylish sister-in-law and my sleepy son

the sound track of my night

2006-12-24T01:37:00.000+01:00

I can't go to sleep tonight. 2.28 AM right now. Early morning tomorrow but I have to much on my mind. As always much at this hour is about myself but some others as well, mostly God.

Now playing: Coldplay - X&Y

Have I been here before?
I can't remember but this feels familiar

Have I been running in circles or never left this place?
Or am I drifting in a unknown sea?

I am trying to hard to repair broken sounds that my hart gives me.
pasting syllables back to words

Letters becomes words
From nothing to something
Back to something

Is this part of a plan?

Why do I have so many questions?

They smile and say
In due time dear
In due time

Is this my time?
What is time?
Is my journey my goal?

I want to love You
I need to love me

I don't know if I have it in me

I give in and beat myself bloody
A good spank is what I need

Next time I will know what to do
Next time everything will be better

Now playing: Diana Ross - Ain't No Mountain High Enough

They built a fifty foot high wall
To keep me away from You

They dug a moat wide as a sea
To keep me away from You

You just sighed and gave me a brand new pair of wings.

Now Playing: Jonas Gardell - Det tror jag på

I believe

I don't know in who
I do know in what

I believe in faith
I believe in honesty
I believe in mercy
and to give it one more try

I believe in anonymity
I believe in standing up and raise my voice
I believe in the power in art
and to respect creativity

I believe in forgiveness
I believe in blind faith
I believe in questioning it all
and to let some questions rest even when people demands answers

I believe in love
I believe in loving
I believe in lovers
and to let love free

Now playing: Leonard Cohen - I'm Your Man

you brighten up my days
you disturb my nights

I could be the answers to most of your questions
and a distraction from the rest

you make me feel like more then a man
you make me sure that I am your man

Now playing: K's Choice - A Virgin State of Mind

There is a place
It is my place
I know what I will get here in my place
The most safe thing I've got
This is my endless well of
Fear
Dread
Hopeless loneliness
Despair

I know this maze
I have build it to get myself lost in the darkness
The only thing I don't know is to let this place go

Now playing: Morphine - I Know You (Part III)

I know how you want your coffee
You know how I want mine

You know not to touch my tears
I know how to kiss yours away

You know I need you to ask questions and to explain
I know how you need me to lie still and hold you

I don't know where I end and you begin

I love that I know what most of your breaths means
I love that I don't know them all

This is just the beginning
I love we are not alone in this

carpe diem quam minimum credula postero

2006-12-15T22:34:00.000+01:00

This is a post that I have written and re written a few times. The word just simply don't come. I don't know if the thoughts are clear.

A little bit more than a year ago I met some transmen for the first time. I lived closeted for a very long time and it was a huge step for me to meet others like me. I liked them all and a few made a big impression on me. But I didn't get to know anyone of them. Not more then "wave and say hello when you see each other"-know. One man in particular really seemed to be interesting and I wanted to speak more to him but just didn't. I met him a few times during this last year and got more and more interested in getting to know him. I realized that I wouldn't change and start talking IRL so I found him on the internet to contact him online. I started to write on a message that I never sent and told myself that I would contact him when my semester ended. Now it has, but today I found out that so has he. He is no more and I never took the chances that was given to me to get to know him.

As a transperson I know to many that didn't survive but every time it really tears me apart. For so long I thought it was only me struggling to survive and I so bad wanted to know someone that knew how I feel. Now I am devastated by how many we are and I kind of wish that it was only me.

I am truly grateful for being trans and get to see myself and society from different views but these dark sides that I share with so many brothers breaks my hart over and over.

Gott tagged

2006-12-14T18:13:00.000+01:00

Peterson tagged me and I am supposed to tell you about things that are weird about me. But I am tiered and don't really like chain letters at all. So I won't tell you anything. If I had done in, how would I do?
Would I do like Peterson did and write five things on the same subject as the tagger. No, I am not in the mood to write about my tic and that I bite, or almost plane my lips with my teethes each and every moment. For how long would I have to google to find a correct term to explain that where the upper inner tendon of gluteus maximus meet the pelvis is my favorite spot on the human body? That is just not worth the time it would take. Who would be interested in knowing that I have a phobia for newly changed tires? We have to change between winter and summer tires by law and the first 500 miles are really tough for me. I am convinced that they will fall off even if I now that the bolts are fixed.

I have no interest in telling you that I don't like potatoes unless it is served with fermented fish and that I don't like fermented fish without potatoes.

I most certainly will not tell you about the imaginary friends that I still have. I will never confess to the long dialogues I have with my "friends". Earlier on I called them Friends instead an that made everything fun when I met my beloved friend Peterson and started to learn about quakers and that they call them self Friends. I still think about imaginary friend when I see him and others write about Friends.

Well, I don't think I will answer the questions the way Peterson did. I just don't feel like it.

Do I want to tell you different details that I think that others would think is weird with me? It is a big difference between what I think is weird with me and what other react to. I think it is very weird to have pets (like I do) but people never think that is strange. Instead they thing that something as normal as the fact that I am a man who have given birth is weird.

I think it is really weird that I some times buy magazines. They only exists to make me want to buy more by telling me everything that I am not but should be. Why do I read them even once in a while? Why do I give money to them and why do I enjoy the reading when I know the aftertaste? But few realizes the weirdness of magazines and react to other things like the amounts of dark chocolate that I eat. A day with less then 5 ounces of chocolate with at least 70% cacao is an empty day.

Another thing I think is very strange with me is that I often excuse myself when admit to prejudice thoughts. I have noticed that many think that it is good to feel ashamed when they discover prejudice thoughts with them self's but I think it is wrong to react with shame on ones biases. Everybody needs to simplify life and prejudice is a back side of that. I think that it is impossible to be unprejudiced but that we would want to strive to be as open as possible and that the obvious thing when we met one of our prejudice sides we would be happy to know that we have the possibility to become better persons and conclude with the bias inside. But few think that it is weird when I feel shame when I meet prejudice within myself. Instead people think that I am weird thinking about stuff like this.

No, I am still not convinced. I don't to write a post about my weirdness neither what I consider weird nor what I think that others think about me.

Home free?

2006-12-11T13:12:00.000+01:00

I have used the last half hour to google the term "home free". I am not sure how to use it and google don't really give me any help. Do you know what that means? I can use half an hour to do something totally meaningless. I realized after one minute that I wouldn't get any good answers but I kept on reading. You know why? I am finished with my studies for this year! I did it!

(long pause)

I'm sitting at the library as usual. Just besides me three girls who are in 9th grade which make them 15 yrs old. A couple of minutes ago one of them told the third (the second one seemed to already know) about her weekend.

girl: Have you heard what happened this weekend?
friend: No, anything special?
girl: You know Hannah, my best friend?
friend: Hannah, Hannah?
girl: Yeah, Hannah.
friend: What?
girl: She slept with Jimmy friday night.
friend: You're kidding? (her voice got really serious)
girl: No. He is my boyfriend and she is my best friend.
friend: How do you know?
girl: She was supposed to sleep at my place but mom caught us smoking and said that Hannah had to leave. Her mother didn't want to get her and she didn't have anyone to go to so we asked Timmy to lend her his sofa. She promised not to do anything with her but then on saturday she called me and told that they had slept together.
friend: That sucks
girl: I know. I tried to take my life and slept at the psych. ward. I don't know what to do. I don't want do die anymore, he is not worth it. But I can't go back to either mom nor dad. Social services is going to call me in a few hours to tell me if they have any place for me to sleep for a few nights. I don't want to sleep at the hospital any more.
friend: You can't kill your self
girl: I know
friend: I don't know what to say

(Hannah and Jimmy isn't the names she used)

Then they talked about other stuff for a while and I wrote this. Then they was quite for a while.

girl: Mom is pregnant. She can't take care of us two she already have but now she will start over with a third.
friend: Three is not that much
girl: I don't get why she wants another when she doesn't want us and says that she can't handle us
friend: It can be nice with a baby
girl: If she let me stay.

Then they went on with hair styles and make-up.

girl: I wonder what I am supposed to do know
the friends starts to joke.
girl: I have to go home now and pack a bag before mom gets home.

This is probably the first time I miss looking like a woman. As a woman it would be easer just to start talking to her, buy her a cup of tea and try give some support.

What is the right thing to do? To just sit here, stealing her words thinking about me. I think I am a part of her hell, having heard what I heard and choose not to do anything. But I honestly have no idea what would be a good thing to do. The friends didn't hesitate to follow her when se had to go so she is not completely alone, but she surely could need some adult that wouldn't fuck with her or her feelings.

What would have been the right thing to do? The way she told the story told me that it was true and that this is how her life has been for many years. Her love for her younger sister that came up in other discussions with her friends seems to be what keeps her going. I hope that she will meet someone more mature and caring than me. I hope I will grow to show compassion. I wish I knew how to be a Christian and I am happy that my sins are forgiven so that I not will be judged as I deserve. I hope that God listens to prayers and that my prayers for her can do something better for her, not only calm my mind.

What would have been the right thing to do? My conscious only gives me a lot of wrong things that I don't want to do. I know not what to do.

You can't buy social status

2006-12-10T12:36:00.000+01:00

In the news a few days ago they talked about what people thinks gives others high social status here in Sweden. They did a list of 100 things you can be or you can have. Then they made a lot of people grade this qualities from 1-5 on a scale with 5 to the things they thought as making people have high social status gives a high social position and 1 for what brings your social status down.

Top 10
1. Be allmänbildad That's a good word that I miss in English so I keep it without translating. It means to be well-infomed and well-read on many diffrent subjects.
2. Be an involved and good parent
3. Have a capital you have earned by hard work
4. Be an accomplished professional
5. Speak many languages
6. Have the opportunity to take the whole summer off from work
7. Spend time and money on charity and helping people in need
8. Have many friends
9. Live in a spacious house or apartment
10. Have your own style

Bottom 10
91. Plays tennis
92. Have a fully booked schedule
93. Be good at poker or games like that
94. Have an intense party life/night life
95. Be a good amateur DJ
96. Being single and have an intense love life
97. Have attended private school
98. Have a nanny or cleaner without paying proper taxes for your employee
99. Have a fur
100. Have a 15 year younger partner

It is quite impossible to be the whole top ten but still, I like what my coutrymen sees as an ideal person. But the last ten surprises me. I wouldn't have guessed that we have this aversion against tennis. Or that it is a bad thing to be a great DJ.

The one thing that confuses me the most is: How the **** are you suppose to score a full top ten without having a fully booked schedule, the 92nd thing?

I am happy that a high social status aren't on my personal top ten.

the older, the smarter?

2006-12-09T17:10:00.000+01:00

Yesterday and today me and my kids did a very small but still gingerbread town. They are only front side and that gave me the opportunity to try to explain dimensions to a five year old. She wanted to do a regular house with four walls and a roof but I said that we would do them 2D instead of 3D. For a minute I thought that she would accept that but of course she asked what dimensions was and there wasn't many minutes until she could tell me that what we where baking was in 3D. I should have learned by now that I can't fool them and come with easy answers. When my English speaking readers will visit us I feel pretty sure that the very first word you will learn is varför why.

Our sugary town has seven buildings. Two of them is churches, one is a school and the rest is toy stores. I made a cross to make a church and then Ella, the middle child, wanted to do a cross too. First she told me that it was a one church with two buildings but then she got quiet for a while and changed her mind and said that it was two different churches, one for some and one for the ones that are not allowed in the first one.

It hurts that she is four years old and thinks of that sort of things. We have tried to not talk about not being welcome in our old Church and said that we wanted to change Church. But they are bright and observant all three of them. But I got happy right away when she said that my Church had to be the boring one because everyone was welcome at her Church. She gave me the tip later on that I should only have one color candy on my Church so everyone could see that it is a more boring place.

I realized that I can't project my own feelings of being rejected to her. She wasn't sad at all. She just felt that it was strange but natural with people that wants to be alone with people just like them and that she felt like it was their loss to miss a wonderful world of diversity. I hope that I will be as tolerating as her some day.

Inspiration!

2006-12-09T15:44:00.000+01:00

Finally I have accomplished something! I have had a mental blackout for the last week. This might have been the worst week not to perform anything. I had to drop some courses and still have to much ahead. But today things started to fall into place and I have finished one analysis that will get me 100 points in my grade. I our system one hour represents one point and I need 2071 points to get a high school grade and be able to go on to college. Now I have two philosophy essays left and one on modern literature. Yesterday I was pretty sure I wouldn't make it but today it feels like I am going to be able to finish it.

Next term I will study at the same school that I started high school in 11 years ago. I haven't told them I am a man yet. In their paper I am the same as when I started all those years ago. Next week I will write a letter. I remember when I started at the school I am at now. It was in january this year and it feels like a lifetime ago. I had dislocated my right knee a few weeks earlier and walked with crutches. I didn't dare to say that I was male nor female in class. The first one to say any pronoun to me was the same teacher that I just have finished my analysis to. She never doubted, no one never did. The only one at that school to think that I might look feminine has been me. She has become very special to me. She said that it feels like an honor to read my papers which has made me be more and more personal. Her care tricked me into loving history as well. I was pretty sure that I hated history. It only made me feel ashamed of being human. But she ruined that...

Now I will finish the next assignment and write about René "I think, therefore I am" Descartes and his ontological proof of a benevolent God. If I finish that tonight I will reward myself with recording a voice message to Kentie. If you haven't listen to Flatus Show 73 you just have to! One of the topics is my favorite subject; myself.

unlife

2006-12-07T19:09:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I got another niece. I will never meet her in this life.

It is strange with loss of someone you never knew. Dreams and hopes that never will be. It should never be like this.

I hope there is gingerbread houses in heaven, and butterflies, and cousins to loan, and birches to clime up in until the tummy tickles.

...emptiness...

Happy new year!

2006-12-03T21:53:00.000+01:00

Today it is the first day of the Christian year. The new liturgical year that my lutheran Church follows begins today but I actually spent it in my parents pentecostal Church, who don't follow any liturgy in a strict sense of the word. But sure as many they have traditions a order of worship that everyone knows of and follows almost as strict as any defined liturgy. Well, the Sunday service I attended there today was very moving and fruitful. I don't know how much I read into it myself but it was very focused on the importance of being truthful, forgiving and honest to others but to one self to in order to focus on spreading the Word. That is something I have thought about a lot for the last year and it was good to hear someone else talk about it for a while.

This week I have met all four of my siblings, my three, soon to be four nieces and nephews my brothers in law and my parents. Not everyone at the same time at once, but still, all of them in a week. That's very nice.

Now I have to find some sleep. I have two weeks of intense school work left until I have a few weeks of holiday vacation when we will move up north. I don't know how much I will be writing, I shouldn't post here until I know that I will have the time and energy to do everything I have to get my grades. I have two distance courses I haven't got a hold on yet.

Trans activism

2006-11-28T17:28:00.001+01:00

Today I had to hold a five minute speech at my Swedish course. I am not out as trans in school, they "just" know that I have a husband. A few friends know but it has never been a good time to come out and I don't feel obligated to talk about my trans history. They know that I am Alex and that felt enough.

But then this opportunity came. A five minute speech about dialects, nordic languages, sociolects or something in that area. I choose to talk about my own body language and spoken language as a man and as a woman. I did is as a little show where Alex and the girl I use to try to be. It was the most scary thing I have done in quite a while but oh so fun!

This is the ms I had (translated though), the italic styled text was told with a very feminine body language another voice:

My minutes here in front of you will deal with body language from a gender perspective. More specific, my own body language as man and as a woman.

When I was born 27 years ago something usual happened. My parents didn't see that I was a boy. That can sound weird but there actually was not any single sign that said otherwise.

(at this point I turned on a overhead projector that showed my driver license with Oldname and a feminine photo)

I noticed the difference quite early but used very many years to cover up the tracks. I really wanted to be a normal girl.

To look as normal as possible I had to learn everything a woman was supposed to be. To be on the safe side I had to know how a man was acting so I could avoid that.

I think that it is remarkable that so many small things can make so much difference.

During about a year I lived as both woman and man depending on who I met. With some family and old friends I was Oldname and with my immediate family I was Alex.

No one misinterpret my signals. By the way I choose to dress, speak and use my body I could choose to pass as man or woman.

What is it that makes us think that someone is male or female?

When I walked up here I used big confident steps. I placed myself right here in the middle in front of you. I took a good look at you and looked calm. If Oldname would have been here she would stand a bit by the side, glanced at the teacher and then rearranged the papers. (said with a giggle and a blush)

Alex talk with a clear and slow voice
Oldname speaks faster, she almost reels off her words at a high paste that you almost never would hear Alex use. Oldname would need a much longer manuscript then Alex and she doesn't make pauses in her speech but marks points with different melody when she talks.(said in one breath)

Then it went on like that, when I described myself and just took a step aside when I was Oldname to reinforce that I was different characters.
After a while i paused and looked at them and said

The worst thing of it all
When Alex speaks almost everyone listens
When Oldname said the same thing she had to work twice as hard to get half the attention

Oldname took to much space
Alex gets authority

I do not tell you this just to pass this assignment
I do not tell you this just to give you something cool to tell your friends

I tell you this because I want you to know what a tremendous power body language can give you. That someone who act masculine gets attention that a classic feminine way to express one self goes without.

I did not only go from male to female
I went from under paid to over paid
I went from G:s to straight MVG:s (from C's to straight A's)

What I am sad to tell you is this: What we say is not yet as important as how we say it.

I got by far the most applause afterward. I was so nervous and had to force the words out of me afterwards. But now it is done. My first live trans activist performance. I know it will be many more and it feels good that I never have to do it for the first time again :)

(The photo in the beginning of this post is of me and my darling niece, taken a few days ago.)

Amateur - Lasse Gjertsen

2006-11-27T18:36:00.001+01:00

I saw this a couple of days ago on a blog I never read before and today I stumbled upon it again. I think it is a sign that I should share this with you. I could really recommend his "Jeg går en Tur - A self portrait" too. I like his way of using his creativity

An unexpected ending

2006-11-27T13:54:00.000+01:00

Today me and my husband is celebrating our last wedding anniversary. That is so weird. We have to divorce because only unmarried people are allowed to a legal sex-change in Sweden. When we married all those years ago I was realistic enough to know that it was a possibility that it wouldn't last forever but I did never, ever think about the possibility that the state was going to force us to divorce and that we wouldn't have any plan to separate when we divorced.

But now it is here. The last anniversary. Guess we are going to celebrate some other day in the future. The first date-day or something like that or maybe start celebrating our divorce day. But today we are going to celebrate. Presents, good food and good wine.

I have nothing to say but; weird...

Thanks for these years hubby-soon-to-be-boyfriend-again.

So now I know who I really am...

2006-11-26T17:59:00.000+01:00

My favorite podcaster, the funny and way too bright Joe G just posted a entry called I am the hanged man where he told us that he became the hanged man in a What Tarot Card are You-test. He linked to the test and I took it...

You are The Devil

Materiality. Material Force. Material temptation; sometimes obsession

The Devil is often a great card for business success; hard work and ambition.

Perhaps the most misunderstood of all the major arcana, the Devil is not really "Satan" at all, but Pan the half-goat nature god and/or Dionysius. These are gods of pleasure and abandon, of wild behavior and unbridled desires. This is a card about ambitions; it is also synonymous with temptation and addiction. On the flip side, however, the card can be a warning to someone who is too restrained, someone who never allows themselves to get passionate or messy or wild - or ambitious. This, too, is a form of enslavement. As a person, the Devil can stand for a man of money or erotic power, aggressive, controlling, or just persuasive. This is not to say a bad man, but certainly a powerful man who is hard to resist. The important thing is to remember that any chain is freely worn. In most cases, you are enslaved only because you allow it.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Maybe I have found my true self now. But i like goats and I can live with being "a powerful man who is hard to resist". I will just sit back and wait for that business success and some money. Maybe I will use my unresistible charm once in a while to.

Male mumble

2006-11-24T01:36:00.000+01:00

Today I got locked in by my inflexible personality and bad habit of questioning what should be unquestioned.

I referred to someone as "biomale". Then I got confused. Does a permanently attached dick right from birth or i a Y in your chromosomes define your biology for the rest of your life? What makes me less bio then others? Last week when I went into the men's locker room to change clothes and a whole lot of naked men walked around and was comfortable with me being there. Quite a few of them actually knowing I am trans. If I had only opened the door to the woman there would have been quite a few screams. My biological appearance as they saw it was all male. Or at least man enough. I am not only a man, I am a bio man. All male, even if my dicks didn't came at birth.

So what to call them? The male ones that never did any changing? Birth-males? But I have known forever that I wanted to be a boy and research tells us the transconfusion probably comes long before we are born. So transdudes are birth-males as well.

XY-men? Well, there are quite a few men that have Klinefelter with XXY or other variants. But just to call them Y-men, nahh, thats just not right ether.

Dickdudes? Well, most transmen has dicks of some sort. PenisRightFromtheStartMale? Doesn't really goes well with ether speaking or writing. And I'm tired with all the genitalia focus. Besides, having a penis doesn't make you male, I know lots of woman that had or have a penis.

I think I have painted my self into a corner. Non-transman-male? NtM...

Hate labels. Obviously I can't live with them and I can't really see a reality without them.

My spell check didn't know all words in this post. Never could have guessed...

The perfect democracy

2006-11-22T18:17:00.000+01:00

So now we have it on paper. Sweden is the closest thing to a perfect democracy. At least according to The Economist and this article

Sweden, a near-perfect democracy, comes top, followed by a bevy of similarly virtuous northern European countries. More surprising are the relatively modest scores for two traditional bastions of democracy—Britain and the United States. In America there has been a perceptible erosion of civil liberties related to the fight against terrorism. Long-standing problems in the functioning of government have also become more prominent. In Britain, too, there has been some erosion of civil liberties but also a shocking decline in political participation. Britain’s score in this area is the lowest in the West and is reflected across all dimensions—voter turnout, membership of political parties, willingness to engage in politics and attitudes towards it.

US came 17th and GB scored surprisingly low: 23th place.

I have one thing to say: Welcome to Sweden!

I don't know what to do with my money

2006-11-21T08:58:00.000+01:00

I like that title. But no, I am not as rich as it imply, well I am rich but not counted in money, my assets arent material.

Still, the title is correct, I do have a problem with what to do with my money.

My parents like their parents are pentecostals. Growing up inside that movement being trans or gay wasn't an option. Maybe as an adult I could go back and consider being open but I can't see that it was a possibility back in my teens. Jesus and Satan was all that mattered. They where both two very real persons lurking about all the time. Everything good was of Jesus and everything bad or great was of Satan. Yes, everything great. Not only was everything bad that happend evil, even the really good things was bad. I remember when a big role model to me said she wanted to eat a whole block of chocolate, they come in 100 gram/3,5 oz blocks here. She knew she was a model for me and the moment she said it got devastated that she had said something so stupid. Of course a Christian wouldn't and shouldn't do or even talk about something like that. So we prayed that Jesus would take care of her craving that Satan given her.

Now, I know that I have some different readers and I think I can devide you into three groups. The first group will shout out or maybe laught ot a "what?!" and if I tell you about the first exorsism I attended was to drive away Satan from a 13 year old boy because a pastor found a Metallica CD you will stare at me trying to see if I am making fun of you. The second group are the ones saying "wow" and think back on your own expiriences or people you knew who reasoned that way and remember the fear and frustration is gives to live with so much energy focused on living as perfect as possible. The third group are the "well"s and you will follow your well with a explanation how sugar is bad for you and that eating a lot of chocolate really are bad for you and that it is always good to pray. Her behavior was pretty normal to you and I am pretty sure you will pray for me today.

I don't have a clue how many of you what, wow and wells that reads this and thats why I have written 2169 caracters so far and not even begun to explain the title. I just want you all to follow me.

There was many sermons about giving and how you had to pay you tithes gross or net. There was a lot to learn. You had to give more then others who were in the same economical situation as you but it was never allowed to ask how much others gave. You had to give with a loving hart and was never to feel like it was a obligation but you where obligated to give at least more then you saved every month. If you felt obligated it was because you didn't love Jesus enough. Satan was in control of you. This was such a big thing that people made a habit of spending all money at payday and repent the day after just because it was to hard to understand what the Church really wanted you to do.

When I started to question Evangelicalism, that was about two years ago, I started to question the tithes, the shame I had regaring the requirements to give. I have felt shame regardless if I have given 2 or 20%, no matter how much I give there is always someone who has less and do I really need 12 forks? Maybe I should give some of them... When I questioned my guilty conscious about giving I stopped giving money and I was afraid that alone would chrush my faith but I was sickend by always thinking about giving. When I did my grosserys it made me go crazy. Should I by the more expensive local goods to satisfy my will to reduce the environmental pressure or should I buy the Brazilian honey to get some kronor (the swedish currency) over to give away to the poor, the poor needs the money more then the Swedish farmers. Okej, the Swedish honey, but what about the beans. Is it okey to buy Chinse soy beans? Soy doesn't grow in Sweden... It easily becomes 500 questions during one day and the two things I knew for sure is that I have to be obsessed in order to figure all the unwritten rules and that it is wrong to obsess. So I stoped giving anything. For the first time ever I felt blessed and money was given to me from strangers and I could feel that God liked that I put the fear of not giving enought behind.

Now when I have found peace with not giving anything a more healty need to share of my surplus has grown stronger. And at the same time I have realized that money is a small matter, what really matters is what I do with my other talents.

Now I do have a will to give some money, even if it is not much, but I don't know where to put it. During the last years when I have found out more about who I am I have gotten maybe too picky. I want to support some organisation that knows that woman are people. I want "my" organisation to know something about LGBITQ-issues. They don't have to be perfect but if I give money to a orpanage in some African country I want to know that a teenager can be openly gay inside the orpanage. Sure, I knoe that I can't have to high expectatios but at the same time, if nobody never had high expectations nothing would evolve and get better. Money is power and if I can I want to give that power to as good organisations as possible. I don't like the way it is now, giving my money to organisations I know haven't dealt with those issuses yet and just pray to God that my money wont go to some missionary who preaches that homosexual persons are demonic. I give some money to Swedish political organisations just because I know what they will do with it but personally I want to give my money to some organisation or just someone who are Christian. But I would get to sad if I realized that my money supported the opression I felt in my early years.

Maybe I have to buy fair trade chocolate for every single krona I have and just glutton. It would be stupid but I am glad to know that my salvation aren't at risk by the amount of chocolate I eat or how much I enyoy it.

Umeå

2006-11-17T15:34:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I woke up around 6.40 am and had a looong day even before 4.50 pm when I started to drive for more then 12 hours and arrived 5.20 am the morning after. Then I got about* 3 hours of sleep before I had to wake up. I hope I will get some sleep tonight. On sunday night I am going to drive back home so I don't want to be this tired then.

--------
* today I am trying to speak like Ninja and Special K so the abouts are more like a boat. Love that accent (or is it a dialect, i have no clue where you draw your lines).
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So, driving for 12 hours with a car I hadn't driven before and a quite large trailer is enough to complaint about but I will go on for a while longer: It was foggy and the first 200 miles it rained and then it started to snow and got really slushy.

Well, I like driving my car, I will get some sleep tonight and I am happy to be here.

Here in this case is Umeå, the city I will call home in january. I moved to Umeå when I turned 16 and lived here for a couple of years and it feels good to come back. It is much colder here and I am not that in to cold, winter and such but it has other advantages. I like how people are up here, it is very different from Linköping. It is just (?) 500 miles apart but culturally the differences are huge I think. It's on the same latitude as Fairbanks, Alaska but the climate is more mild because of the Gulf Stream. It is covered with white snow but right now it is actually raining which is rare, usually it is below the ice point from middle october and then its covered with snow to late april or may when everything explodes in greens and the summer is short but very beautiful.

The dark side with Umeå is the dark... The sun doesn't really like being here and it is just sunlight for a few hous. At 3 am it will be dark again and unfortunally my body is a bit more continetinal, because it thinks that it is time to sleep when dusk had done its thing. It is hard to stay awake. But in the summer we get al the lost hours and it is light 20 hrs/day

Times are changing

2006-11-15T14:32:00.000+01:00

I have some identity issues. Today I have done something that may affect me for ever. I don't really know how to relate to my self any more.

It was in April 2005 I did it for the first time. I didn't really know how to do and I didn't have any experience but it came sort of natural and it felt so good. But now what? Everything just feels up side down. I thought I knew who I was and that things were going to be the same forever.

Well, I know that change can come and that you have to try not to understand it to much but just to follow and work your way through what ever comes ahead.

But who am I? How will this affect me? Am I the same today as yesterday? What am I suppose to write in my profile?

Maybe it doesn't really matter. What matter is that I love him more then I ever loved my first and that he has almost everything I ever dreamed about. I will pick him up in two hours and tomorrow we will hit the roads and go 500 miles up north. Me and my new car, a Chrysler Grand Voyager. I am no more proud owner of a 18 year old Volvo, I don't even like him anymore. I loved him so much when I bought him last spring and it was great to finally have a car. Before that we always used public transport, which is much better in Sweden then in other parts of the world but still quite hard with three kids. Today I'm going to pick up our Chrysler with seven seats, a lot of space and with roughly the same milage as the old Volvo.

First time with a automatic instead of stick shift for me. I had to ask the salesman how to do but I think I will get use to it. It is very unusual with automatic, it mostly taxi cars that has that.

Helsingin Valituskuoro

2006-11-14T19:43:00.003+01:00

I found this video at Neil Gaimans blog and I love it. The complaints choir of Helsinki really shows a lot of the mentality of the Nordic countrys. Enyoy!

Viability

2006-11-14T09:23:00.000+01:00

This post is dedicated to everyone you'd think that I would despise. The ones who tried to change me to please them. To you who never liked me for me but just wanted me to shut up and fit in.

I have something to say to you: Thank you! Your lies, your despise, your contempt, your superior bullying. Everything that your fear made you do to me. The behavior that almost drained me of my life, it made me so much stronger. You are wrong and I am so grateful that I called your bluff in time. That your shallow reasons for reasoning your way became transparent to me.

You have so many excuses to live by fear and hate. I am so grateful that you pushed me away so I can't be no where close to you. Now I am finally breathing fresh air.

You tried to threw me down in the gutter and I just let you do it. I am so grateful that your world is upside down so I went to the stars instead.

Your hate made me stronger
Your lies made me smarter
Your contempt made me learn humility
You tried to push me down and that made me learn to run faster and try harder

I let you cover my back and you back stabbed me. If you hadn't how would I have known that I'm a immortal superhero?

I would never have come this far without you. I am not the victim anymore, I give that back to you.

You failed, you lost. I gained, I won. I hope life will help give you the lessons you have to learn, I hope your lessons are more gentle then the ones you gave me. Mostly; I hope I never will see you again but that I always will remember never to be like you.

The difference between you and me is that I know I have a long way ahead. I know that I don't know anything, you are trapped in your cave. Thank you!

manic monday

2006-11-13T21:25:00.000+01:00

Today I just had no energy. I have been angry, frustrated, irritable and annoying.

I had noooo energy and had a irritating day at school and when I came home I just sat with my laptop and screamed at the children to shut up (even when they were polite and nice to me).

I became so bored hearing my self scream so I told the kids to go to their room and make it look really good. Half an hour later they came out, smiled and carefully said "it's done".

I don't know if they did it out of fear of their incompetent father but I'm impressed that they got anything done with my depressing energy in the apartment.

Their energy infected me so I got up and took out acrylic colors, brushes, sponges and some canvas panels. Then me and my three kids sat down and for the first time today really talked. We all started to paint and after a while my oldest child, soon to be six years old, started to make some really rotten comments about the two other children's capacity to paint as detailed as her. I really heard my own tone in her voice. Am I really that unbearable? Well, I had to do something more constructive then to yell at her so I took a panel and poured out a lot of green and blue color on my panel and started to smear it out with my hands just to get their attention. Then I took some bright red, yellow and orange and sponged it and started to tell a story about a Tuttelituta (just gibberish in swedish too). It was a lonely monster that was so angry it started burning and it grew out horns. It was very ugly and so boring that everyone who talked to it just turned to stone.

It was very therapeutical for the four of us and we had a blast. The four year old decided that the Tutelituta wasn't to blame for its anger and that we could help it with some rain.

Then they put down both their brushes and their stress and just had fun and let their creativity flow. They did their own stories and they painted with their whole beeing. At the end their panels was red with some golden shimmer. I think we emptied eleven tubes of color and we ended up with four pieces of art I will treasure for ever. I am not a model parent but my kids sure makes the parenting fun. I love their way of thinking, I can get Jesus on that point, the kingdom of heaven belongs to them. Today I saw a gleam of heaven.

2006-11-12T15:03:00.000+01:00

In the middle of the town square there suddenly was a pillar with three buttons on it.

No sign, no hint of why it is there and what it is there for. Just a metal pillar with three buttons.

People noticed that it was there but nobody wanted to be different so everybody just tried to mind their own business, try to look on top of things but at the same time as discreetly as possible trying to glance around to try to get what it was.

I looked around to make sure nobody I knew was around. Like everybody else around I am afraid that I will look stupid. I walked up to the buttons and I pressed one of them. Suddenly a five story building changes colors from yellow to red. There was a impressed murmur from my audience. I pressed another button and the building turned blue.

I took a few steps aside to take some pictures and immediately a few other steped up, first some teenaged boys and then people of all kind came up and wanted to try.

I love the idea of changing something big with the push of a button. The most interesting I think is how people are curios but how every single one wants to fit in. Great art!

I have searched lokal newspapers and Linköpings home page but I haven't found any info about the installation.

More on fear, love and hate

2006-11-11T20:02:00.000+01:00

Lets continue my thoughts about fear, good, evil and what this is all about; me. Yeah. I won't even try to pretend that this is something else then my raw thoughts. You get them fairly uncensored and no bigger points is guaranteed.

Back to my fear. I am struggling with my who I think that God is. This is very personal and to reinforce the personal aspect of this Im posting a quite naked picture of myself taken a few minutes ago. If you get angry with what I write just look on the picture and imagne me, a naked and confused person just trying to get a hunch of who God is. You don't have to worry, I'm not compleatly naked and you don't have to imagine that, just the frank kind of naked.

Right now I have got tangled in Jesus Sermon on the Mount. Have you seen Monty Python's Life of Brian? Well of course you have, I don't know if I would let you read my blog if you hadn't seen it.

When I saw that movie the first time and the scene with the beatitudes came I froze. I don't know how old I was when I first saw it, I think I was 14. Already back then I had big problems with what Jesus said on that mountain so I guess that I don't have to feel all stressed out about it. If I have felt weird about what Jesus said up there on the mountainside for the last 13 years then I can struggle with them for a while longer. I don't mind the beatitudes they are strange but I can accept them just because they are so poetic and they actually make some sense.

"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

I think that what Jesus says is weird. Not only is it weird, it is stupid and impossible.

Love your enemy... The first times I read that it seemed sort of nice. It sounds good to be loving even to those that does not deserve it. But then I grew up and I don't get it any more.

Of course love is good, I am all for love. But wait. Love your enemy? If I try to be perfect like the Father for a while... I have a son as well so I guess me and the Father has something in common. Good to know if I would be placed close to him at some dinner party and run out of things to say. But to love my enemies like I love him? I don't get it. I can understand why revenge isn't the best and I can easily be friendly to my enemies and wish them well. But to love them? To be willing to sacrifice my life and let what is best for them define me, that sounds weird.

I know a few who loves their enemies. One friend of mine comes to my mind, she loved her enemy and he beat her up as soon as he had a problem he didn't know how to solve or whenever he was drunk. She really loved him and tried to do what was best for him. After a couple of years she realized that she didn't love him any more. She said that the moment when she stopped loving him was the moment when she could start to really help him. She moved out, didn't put up with his bullshit and when he did something wrong to her she didn't do that overrated other cheek-thing, instead she called the police. She kept the contact with him, he was physically disabled and she did his laundry and got his groceries. She did it with a smile on her face and was so happy that she didn't have to love him any more.

Her actions was loving but she loved her self and God, not her enemy, she showed him compassion and she never followed her bitterness and she never took her revenge. That sounds so much more healthy then how she responded to his actions when she loved him.

I love my son. If anybody would deliberately hurt him I would get wrathful. I have no intention of loving that person. I wouldn't hurt the person I would try to get her to understand how I or more important my son felt but I would never try to love that person. I can't se the point of loving a enemy. Not be revengeful and feeling love is not at all the same thing.

Another thing. If everyone felt true love to everyone, how could I ever be special? I would rather have 10 people hate me and 10 people love me because they could help them self then 20 people trying to love me because their religion forced them. If a friend of mine express great contempt for someone I feel affirmed. I don't surround my self with people that express a lot of contempt, the only thing in common for all my friends is that they are positive and loving and I love that about them. But I also like their ability to like me more then their enemy.

I think you have to be emotionally torn to love your enemies in the same way you love your friends and family.

I think Jesus was wrong. Don't love your enemy. Be empathic towards your enemy, try to do good, remember that it is a person loved by God, a brother that could have been you. But love only your family, friends and a handful more. The ability to love is a gift and give it to people you like.

I pray for the people who expresses hate towards me, but I do pray that they will change. I don't like them och what they do. I can greet them nice and give some of my time to them. But love is a different thing that I am more careful with.

Over to something different. A poem about how fear can take over the part of you that probably would be better off filled with some love. Don't get me wrong, I am all for love and showing love. But I think love is to special to devaluate to what you can feel towards your enemys. This poem is not my ideal or anything near, it is just a way of handeling all of my thoughts about fear, love and what's right.

I want you
I need you
I need you to long for me
So I can feel that I belong to you
To something
Anything

Everything I want from you is to prove myself
Always myself
Want proof
Need proof

I am everything I ever cared about

Please prove that I am special
I failed when I tried
I want you
I need you

I need to know that someone think that I do
Because I know that I don't

My friday

2006-11-10T17:11:00.000+01:00

I have a bad cold that will never leave. Unfortunally, when my immune defense is down, my anxiety has plenty of room for maneuver. I know it is a physical defect and I try to not listen to much to the voices of dread and worry that fills my mind. This cold too will pass and then the sick part of my anxiety will rest for a while.

This morning I had a small attac in school and I got nauseous, dizzy, my hart was beating to fast and my breath was short. A couple of years ago I would have been sure it was a demonic attack or maybe some cardiac problems. Now I know more about myself and when my body tells me to panic I just feel bored and disconnected.

I got a new assignment in my history class. I three weeks I have to do a 20 minute dramatization of a person or a event of my choice under the subject social history. A fun challenge.

At lunch I followed my only weekly routine and went to friday mass at the cathedral.

I attend the Church of Sweden, an evangelical lutheran denomination. Its structure is the same as in the 11th century when sweden became a part of the Roman Catholic Church but when Sweden was reformed in the 16th century we ditched the pope and the confession but kept most of the other customs. Nowadays the Church of Sweden is affirming and liberal.

Our bishop conducts the friday service (if he is in town) but a layman almost always reads an extract from the Epistles. The layman is often one of many priests or deacons (a clerical title you get ordain to) in the audience not in duty, but today a nervous, stressed out but very honored transguy got asked to read the Epistle text. It was a nice but weird experience. Our cathedral has a.. hmm, I don't know the english word, lets use resonance time... of 9 seconds. The time it takes from that when you let your tongue deliver a word until the huge church is done with juggling your voice across every corner in the cathedral it takes nine seconds. It is about 800 years old and back then people really knew how to build a building to reinforce a single voice to something truly impressive. It was fun that I, a openly gay transdude was asked to do the reading and it was very nice to get to speak up and fill the Church with my voice. I wonder how many of my kind that have been silenced in that place during the millennium it have been a place of Christian worship.

the night of broken glass

2006-11-09T20:33:00.000+01:00

Tonight 68 years ago almost every synagogues i Germany was set on fire, 30 000 jewish men was put into concentration camps and several jews was beaten to death. Tonight I think about Kristallnacht, the persecution of Jews and racism in general. I try to remember but I also tries to forget. I can't believe how little we have learned in the last century.

Today I met a arab friend of mine. We talked about how racism is getting a bigger problem. Since 9/11 he gets more segregational remarks then ever. When people harasses me for being trans or gay it hurts but still I can choose when to show that parts of me. When I go out at night I put my rainbow key ring far down my pocket and walk with a butch walk. When he goes out at night he takes a deep breath, thanks Allah for saving him so far and steps out. He doesn't stay at home because he think that the only god he can serve is Allah and if he surrender by fear he worships a false idol.

What is it he does out at night then? Well, he goes home to his grandmother and helps her to bed. He do her dishes and sets her coffee maker so she will wake up to fresh coffee every morning.

I will light a candle, think of Kristallnacht, my friend and many others. Then I am going to once again listen to beppespodcast podcast #60 where Peggy Senger Parson shares a very important and insightful message about fear and safety.

Cute Swede

2006-11-08T15:48:00.001+01:00

Got a tip from my sister to check out Tingsek and listen to some music at his mySpace site. As usual my sister has good taste in music and I have already played this quite a few times.

Fear

2006-11-08T14:12:00.000+01:00

I believe in good and evil but even more, I believe in love and fear. It is easier to understand good and evil from that point of view. Love, peace, trust and fearlessness is godly. Fear is evil if it gets you or the people around you to feel afraid, frightened or scared. Fear distracts, undermines and confuses. Love drives you to long for understanding, it builds up trust and gives patience to really listen.

But at the same time, a life with out fear and darkness, would it even be a life? Can a person grow up without facing darkness? Many big artists and especially comedians use fear and even hate to feed their creativity. Is that wrong? Would a world where everyone was driven all by love be heaven on earth? Maybe. But it sounds boring as hell. What would comedy be like if there was no fear? Doesn't most funny things include something that at least other fears? Can comedy exist without bordering on what society by fear has forbidden?

The most fearful thing of all I think is indifference and apathy. It is to easy to make everything someone else's responsibility. But it is hard to do something good when it is impossible to know what is good and what is bad.

I stand up and clear my throat
what to say
I do not know

everything I do know
is that something is out of order

I long for order
but have seen the seamy side of regulations

every agenda closes doors
but
no agenda at all means
never even open any door at all

I clear my throat once more

never mind
excuse me
I did not mean to bother you

The gender is more important than your genitalia

2006-11-07T21:47:00.000+01:00

I read that New York has plans to allow transpeople without surgery to legally change sex. I think it is great and once again I feel blessed by living in Sweden that already have that possibility. In Sweden you have to have be on hormones but surgery can either wait or if you don't want it you don't have to undergo any surgery exept the weird thing that you have to be sterile.

Read the article about the plans of changing the laws in New York here.

Not good enough

2006-11-07T20:08:00.000+01:00

I don't suffer from stage fright, I like being on stage and in the spot light. My performance anxiety lies in my writing. I really don't like to show others what I have written. I don't know if you knew but blogging actually includes other people reading what I have written... I think I missed that myself when starting my blog.

Today I got a paper back in school. I saw that she had written "VG" on it. VG is our next best grade, like a B would be for you Over There. I got a small anxiety attack, blurry vision, my hart was pounding and I got very self-conscious. Everyone got to go outside the classroom to get a few minutes of private comments from the teacher. I had a hard time even getting up and go outside. She smiled at me and said that this was the first paper I have written to her that wasn't perfect so she wrote "VG" just to separate it from the others so I would know that she really notice what I write and that the "VG" just was a way to say that she knows that I can do better and if the paper was by any other it would be marked as a "MVG" (top grade) and that my grade in her notes said "MVG".

I think I was the only one to get a MVG but still, a couple of hours later, I feel embarrassed and think I should have worked with the paper a few hours more. I don't want anyone to read what I have written if it isn't perfect. I still feel bad for the only VG I got the last semester and this was the first time I got even close to get a VG this term.

When I am writing this I feel really embarrassed about my perfectionism when it comes to writing. I don't like perfectionists. Perfection kills inspiration. I really believe that. With creativity you have to open up for making mistakes, if you think you can do everything perfect you limit your ability to grow and develop.

Why did I start a blog when I can't handle my short comings? I know my english isn't perfect. It is understandable. I really don't know. I know that I have seven different drafts of posts I never published because I had to high expectations myself. But I know that this is a great way for me to get better at English and by conquering a foreign language my whole world grows.

I wonder if my high expectations on myself is related to being as far away from the norm as I am. In Christian circles I am obviously not normal as trans and gay. Gay people often don't like transmen or Christians and transpeople think I am weird being happily married with three kids. The more I think about it the more I think I want to be perfect in order to give my self the right to exist even if I am a freak. I think that reveals a few ugly sides I have. 1: I think that the prejudices of my surroundings shall define what I do and 2: I think that people outside of the norm has to be successful. I am just as bad as the ones calling me a freak or a monster. I get frighten by myself. I despite myself and others like me. That is just wrong on so many levels.

If I just had written that paper perfectly I wouldn't had thought about this. I should have worked on the paper some more...

To dare myself I am acctually going to post this. I have to work with both my self image and my view on others.

Unforgetable art

2006-11-03T21:02:00.000+01:00

In a recent post on jaywalking some questions was brought up from Isabella about art that made a difference in your life.

is there a book that you want the whole world to read?
a movie that changed your life?
a piece of music that makes your heart swell every time you hear it?
a special play?
some other creative work that you can’t forget?

I tried to answer them my self, I really did! I went out on side tracks. Do I even want the whole world to be able to read? I like diversity and to force all people to learn how to read, well, I'm not sure. For a while I was sure and I was close to post something about me wanting the whole world to have read the whole Bible. How many wars have not been fought in the name of Jesus by people not even taught well in the Book...? But then, there are quite a few who know every last letter and still don't know the first thing about God and Love so I wont take the Bible, and is it really a book and not books?

Then I started to write about the book I read most recently, Middlesex, and I praised it for quite a while. Then I remembered that I always love the book I have read last and that I have to read another book until I can talk about a book so I abandoned the idea of recommending Middlesex until I have read another book.

Then I hit google and terms like "amazing book" and "wonderful book" and was amazed about what books people likes. So many people thinking that the best book in the world is a cake recipe book with cakes that takes more than 10 hours to do or people that think the most wonderful book is a book on bookbinding in the 20th century.

Now I am caught up with my thoughts about if I even want everyone to be able to read.

Next question: a movie that change your life
The hours is one of many movies that really changed my life. I did not know anything about the movie when I borrowed it. I was alone when I watched it and was just stunned. When it was over I sat with my phone in my hand trying to phone my partner Noa. But I just couldn't dial the numbers. I had no words. I sat in front of my TV for a while and then I watched it again.

I think it was in october 2004 I saw it. I had just began to understand that my life as a stay at home mum was a dead end but I had no idea how to understand what road was the right for me and I had many suicidal thoughts even if I never was near follow them thru. When I saw the Hours and the character Laura Brown played by Julianne Moore I finally understood that I had to change path before I abandoned the family I really love.

A piece of music that makes your heart swell every time you hear it?
K's Choices song Virgin State of Mind. It actually was played in a episode of Buffy and I had to get online and order every album they ever done. It is still one of my biggest favorites and Noa uses that fact and play it when he wants me in a better mood. No matter how angry/sad/frustrated/bitter I am, 10 sec of that song makes me happy and mellow.

Another song that has that effect on me is Hallelujah sang by Rufus Wainwright.

Other art work that makes a difference in my life is often photography and names that comes to mind is Elisabeth Ohlson Wallin, Gunnel Wåhlstrand and
Brutus Östling

Solitare?

2006-11-03T09:31:00.001+01:00

I have tried to write a new post for four days. It seems like I can't finish it. The subject for the post has changed a few times but it circles around what sexuality is. One of the big problems is that I don't have any idea at all. Most people seems to know who they are attracted to and I actually do not have any idea of what sexuality is and who I am. If you don't have guessed this already I have to warn you: This will contain details of my sex life and feelings regarding sex. If you are not comfortable with this, wait a few days and read another post.

I guess the trans-thing makes life a bit different even in the matter of sexuality. It is harder to know who you want to have in bed if the only thing you know for sure is that you don't are enough. I don't want my body to be a part of my life. When I fantasize about sex my actual body never is a part of my thoughts. During my life I have suspected my self to be a lesbian, a heterosexual female, gay, a heterosexual male, bisexual and pansexual. Nowadays I just says "queer" if any one asks and hope that nobody ever asks anything about what that means.

I really try to like myself and in most ways I do. But when it comes to sex. I have heard a quite a few gay men describing really trying to have sexual relations with a woman and wanting to like it but just hated it. I think I feel the same way but regarding myself. It is not like I am asexual and don't have a sex drive, God most certainly gave me enough of that, but when I have sex I always has to fill up my thoughts with other images so I don't get to turned off by being so close to myself.

I don't hate myself, I like myself. I like my body in many ways. I am not ashamed of myself but still I have this problem.

I wonder if I'm alone with this sort of feelings or if this is common for transgendered people. Or does it occur even with non trans people? If you have some thoughts about this and don't want to post a comment please email me at alex at resare dot com because right now I am just fed up with being this confused on my own.

I always thought not liking your self in this way was connected to low self-esteem. I feel frustrated discovereing that I was wrong on that one to. I miss the good old days when I knew almost everything. :)

Distracted

2006-10-30T09:29:00.000+01:00

I am sitting at the library with my three kids playing with jigzaw pussels. I went here to get some peace in order to write a comment to Marvin back at Peterson Toscanos A Musing in his recent post where Marvin takes a stand in trans issues.

But I had no luck. Just when I took up my computer a tall, dark and very handsome man with two small children walked in. I looked at him for a while but then turned around to concentate. Then he sat down with his two gorgeous children and stared reading to them with a Irish accent and a dark and plain wonderful voice.

I have no chance to do anything else then just sit back and keep eavesdropping.

2006-10-29T16:00:00.000+01:00

Part of speech

I just read todays news and fealt really anoyed by one article in the Swedish paper Svenska Dagbladet.. The article is about the Miss International Queen 2006 and in a few sentences they say that Mexican Erica Andrews is the new Miss International Queen.

What made me angry was the header. "Transsexuell världsmiss korad" is a wordgame that means both "transsexual miss world is crowned" and "transsexual mistake of global proportion is crowned". I got upset and e-mailed the editorial staff with my complain and within four minutes I got a apology and the header was changed to "Världens snyggaste transsexuella korad" that is without double meaning and means "The most beautiful transsexual in the world is crowned".

I was glad that they imidiate changed it so that sheep joke wasn't there but I'm a bit frustrated about the use of transsexual as a noun. I think transsexual schould be an adjective and not a noun. My problems are of a transsexual nature and I am doing my transition and sexchange in order to not have as few transsexual problems as possible in the future. I don't know if it's a common use of the word but I now that my doctors and a couple of friends see this the same way.

2006-10-28T20:52:00.000+02:00

Amazon shopping spree

I read Transcending Gender about the book The Transgendered Reader and got interested. I met Stephen Whittle at last years Stockholm Pride where mr Wittle talked about transactivism.

I ordered the book from Amazon and when I did I just happen to order a few other books. Two other books about transissues:Transmen and FTM:s and Invisible Lives: The Erasure of Transsexual and Transgendered People. I can't wait for them to get here. I hope they will be deliverd to my mid winter break so I can read them during Christmas. I also got two books about homosexuality; What the Bible Really Says About Homosexuality and Greek Homosexuality: Updated and with a new Postscript. I t wasn't cheep but I feel richer alredy.

2006-10-27T21:27:00.000+02:00

Transcomics and new hormones

I stumbled across Transe-Generation and got caught up for two hours. I just love it. It is so relieving to read other transdudes experiences.

Two days ago I got back on my hormones after a couple of looooong moths waiting for the right prescription. The Swedish transcare is slow but free. You can read more about our Swedish trans care on mr Toscanos: A Musing. I wrote my story and he published it in two peaces.

Well, I had to change my medication and this new one they inject in... well... my behind. I guess they thought that being a dick-less dude wasn't humiliating enough so they changed the injections you took by your self in your thigh to this other that a transignorant old hag injects while you have to bulge up your but. Farewell my dear integrity. I liked getting to know you...!

But of course it feels great to be back on track. I have gotten way to feminine to recognize myself.
This week I learned that my chest op. that I was promised to get done in September is delayed because of one of the surgeons has been on sick leave for few months and that I can’t get my chest done for a couple of months. I don’t know what to do. If I wait it will probably be done in March or April. If I pay for it myself I can get it done in a month. But is it worth 30000 SEK (just over $4000). What is it worth to get it done a couple of months earlier? Idunno

2006-10-27T12:45:00.000+02:00

Done at last!

I've just been to Friday mass at the cathedral. It's one of my very few routines and I really will miss my cathedral when I move up north at new year. I'm sitting at the library behind a big glass wall and looking out at a rain storm. It's supposed to be the worst European windstorm for a couple of years and the authority's has told people in a large part of the country to stay inside if possible and more than 4% of all households in the whole country is without electricity. Here I am, sitting behind a thick glass wall looking out on the stormy weather. Autumn leaves are dancing in the wind, people outside is walking as fast as possible and I just sits right here.

I have worked so hard this week and now I'm actually finished. All of my papers are done and all of my midterm stress is over. Cant the weather tell that it is no use to hurry anymore?

Wow! Actually, when I just wrote that the sun came out. The rain is still pouring down and the wind is intense, but the sun came out and is lightening up all of the yellow maple leaves that are rumbling around in the air without any respect for gravity.

I feel very spiritual today. Tired, worn out, stressed out but happy and proud to have done a very good job this week. I'm blessed to be able to sit in here and not be a part of everyone running outside. I have the time and the peace to sit here and realize that maple leaves can be magical.

2006-10-25T22:02:00.000+02:00

Six words to write whole stories

Found this link about short stories:
http://wired.com/wired/archive/14.11/sixwords.html

I can't stop writing these sentences.

I try to stop but fails.

Can't do my homework for starters.

Want to try short story too.

He found happiness. Reboot, I'm jealous.

Death got depressed, committed suicide. Reincarnated.

Fishes doesn't scream. I'm quiet too.

Time flies. Not away; ahead. Follow!

2006-10-24T10:57:00.000+02:00

A blog is born!

trans Latin across, beyond, over, on the other side.

This is my first post on my brand new blog. I don't really know what to write just yet but here I am. My main purpose is to over come my fear of writing in English.

This week is intence. Midterm exams in three of my subjects; Philosophy, Swedish and History. In Philosophy I have two old pm:s I haven't finished yet. Right now I'm writing about Karl Popper and his critical rationalism. No one can make me as atheistic as Popper and at the same time, no one gets me as interested in God as Popper. It's very interesting. At the same time Im writing my midterm exam in philosophy. The exam is in the form of a paper on moral. I have to take a every day moral conflict in my life, preferible a small one, and write about it with as many philosophers view as possible. It is very fun and very exhausting. I do not like my moral!

I have to turn it in tomorrow morning at 10.30 am and have to take an injection at 10 am 2 miles away. If I even have my paper finised by then. Now it's 8 pm and I have two pages left.